[SuddenlySusan]

Okay... I just need to get this out before it eats me up entirely. I read this thread, a couple of times, and I'm still torqued about it. I am just so SICK & TIRED of "some people" insisting on using the "b" word to describe my place...role...value. Yes, the "b" word is "birth" mother. Let me just say this LOUD & CLEAR: I am NOT A BIRTH MOTHER. Never have been. Never will be. I am the one that determines what I am to be called. Too bad for you if you don't like it! There were some posts in this thread that entirely ticked me off. Read it for yourself. You tell me what you think... just don't EVER call me a "birth" mother.

http://forums.adoption.com/general-a...bother-you.htm

And, why is it that "some people" always have to assume that if I am one thing, that they are somehow required to be the opposite. In some people's eyes, if I am a "natural" mother, then that makes them an "unnatural" mother, and to take it to extremes, that it makes "their" child an "unnatural" child.

"Oh, my, it's just such a quandary. What do we call *those* women whose only purpose in life was to give birth to *our* child?" Hmmmm.... Oh, let's call them birth mothers, since that's all they were."

Well, if you are determined to play the opposites game, here's something for you to think about: If I am a birth mother, just what is the opposite of that? Hmmm... let's see... natural/unnatural, real/unreal... hmm... birth/death...

Okay, so be it. If you insist on the term birth mother, see above for your opposite term. How's it feel? Yeah. I thought so!

Too bad not enough moms are willing to share the title. The son I surrendered has two mothers, and his adoptive mother acknowledges me as such. We are mothers to OUR son, just in different ways. If the term "natural" bothers you, why not just say "My son's other mother."

Or, how about the term RavenSong used in Keds' thread, "Tired of being the bad guy."

PRIMAL MOTHER.

What is soooooo wrong about being inclusive rather than exclusive? "Some" people just need to get over it, and get over themselves!

Okay! 'Nuff said! Thanks for letting me rant...

Susan

[julie23]

i am wondering how many other natural mothers are offended by birthmother?

being one myself, i don't particularly like the term... but use it here because it seems to be the politically correct term to distinguish myself from other types of mothers...

if a natural mother uses the term "birthmother" does that offend, too?

And, why is it that "some people" always have to assume that if I am one thing, that they are somehow required to be the opposite. In some people's eyes, if I am a "natural" mother, then that makes them an "unnatural" mother, and to take it to extremes, that it makes "their" child an "unnatural" child.

don't you think this is just immaturity? this is what children do at certain developmental stages... i teach art to kindergardeners ... and i was warned in the first instructional session not to say to one child, "I really like your picture!" because the child next to him will think "she doesn't like my picture."

or when raising siblings... if we say to one "you are such a good artist."... the other will think "gee, i guess i am not a good artist."

but don't we outgrow that at some point?? i happen to know an alot of adults that haven't... they're in my family actually... if i do something nice for a cousin, they get annoyed... because i didn't do it for them... ?? i guess that means i like the other person more.... whatever.

the point is... is this something we outgrow, or not?

we are pursuing adopting a baby boy... and we had to write our "dear birthmother" letter... this is what we were instructed to do... we saw samples... and when I sat down to write... i choked on "dear birthmother"

nope... couldn't do it... i settled for nothing... i didn't write "dear ____"... i just started my letter....

at one point, i felt i needed to distinguish... it was just appropriate in the context... and i struggled with how to distinguish... and ended up with referring to her as his "first mother".... i think if i would have thought of it, i would have put "other" mother... that would have been better... but i didn't think of it... but can change it for next time...

from being in adoption orientation.... i see why potential adoptive parents do this... it's what the agencies do... they start off calling us "birthmothers"... and the mother hasn't even relinquished yet...

dehumanizing... maybe. taking away the human factor.. the feelings... the emotions.... because if we are only "birth" mothers... it really doesn't matter how they treat us? if they keep promises? they can pretend that giving birth doesn't make us a mother... whew... it's hard to write that... it reminds me of how i've felt for 22 years... not worthy of being called mother....

but i do think a lot of people use the term because everyone does... and it seems like the politically correct thing to do... Just a short time ago, we were being called by the initials of a bowel movement... it took a lot of brave women to get rid of that....

and ironically, a lot of women, including natural mothers... aren't at all bothered by those initials...

nice rant.... i don't think i've ever seen you rant before... I'm impressed.

julie

[MrsHoot]

IMHO: Our society can be so narrow-minded...people can be so insecure...so oblivious to how some words are just down right demeaning...

[sstuart]

I guess I have never given it much thought. I am not that offended and I am a bmother/nmother whatever. It is all symantics to me. I know what I am. I am a mother to DD I am just not a parent to her.

[Mommy24]

Birth Mom doesn't offend me, it just implies that all I did was give birth and that is the furthest thing from the truth. I suppose there are Birth Mom's in the world, I just happen to think that I am not one of them, and apparently neither do you. Good for you for standing up for what you believe in. However, I do think that "most" people do not call us Birth Mom's with the intentions of downplaying our roles in our childrens lives. I do believe that it is the term that has been used and because everyone varies in what they want to be referred as, people just picked this one up. I prefer First Mom because I feel like I was his first mom, to love him, care for him, make life altering decisions for him when he was unable to, I then passed on that role to his adoptive mom who then just became mom.

Personally, I think it will be up to my son to refer to me as he wishes, I just hope he continues to refer to me

[mom2behappy]

now all cases are very different. and my point of view is coming from adopting via foster care. i dont use the work birthmother i use biological mother. to my kids i often just say ex mellisa the women whose tummy you grew in. i realize its different because you made a plan for your child that included what you thought was the best plan for yourself and the child you gave birth to.
As for a mother for me it means more than to give birth and i would like to think the decision to place is made from love.
I have a cousin whose mother placed him because his dad was black and her dad told her if if she brought a black child home she would be on her own and writted out of any inheritence. (she was italian) she decided to place my cousin for me her decision wasnt made out of love but greed/selfishness, she was grown working and had her own home. my aunt and uncle ended up adopting him.(biological dad was also my uncle) but because he was in the service didnt think it would be possible to raise him alone in the military. so I say this to say that not everyone makes the decision to place for the same reasons and not everyone deserves the title of Mother. i will continue to use Biological mother or simply say the women who gave birth to my children when speaking of the women who did just that gave birth, but of course i know not everyone falls into the same catagory in any situation. i admire the mothers who make a plan for the children they gave birth to and continue to be a part of the childs life i really do. just like some biological mothers use the term my childs adoptive mom. yet that adoptive mom is the one who chose to raise this child as their own that adoptive mom is the one whose up @ nite when your child is sick, who makes all those first for the child, who has chosen to MOTHER this child. this post isnt an attack on any of the biological or first moms or other mom s whatever you choose to be called. its just a perspective from the otherside.

[thanksgivingmom]

I prefer to call myself a First Mom too. When I first came here "Birthmom" didn't bother me, because that's what I was told I was. Truth be told, I didn't know what one was until I became one and someone said, "Oh, you're the birthmother?" Well, sure, yes, I am.

Now, exactly one year and two months after giving birth to my daughter, I feel very differently. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to correct people that use "birthmother" for a woman that is pregnant and planning to place her child....it makes me crazy, but I can't spend all my time and effort correcting other people, and I don't want to hijack just about every thread I come across...

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

. yet that adoptive mom is the one who chose to raise this child as their own that adoptive mom is the one whose up @ nite when your child is sick, who makes all those first for the child, who has chosen to MOTHER this child. this post isnt an attack on any of the biological or first moms or other mom s whatever you choose to be called. its just a perspective from the otherside.

Hmmm because we don't get the view from the other side forced down our throats all the time. Do you understand that those of us that made a choice and a plan sometimes lie awake at night in anguish because we AREN'T the ones mothering our child? I still have dreams where I can feel my son in my arms. I have a heart that is broken and will never heal. You sure as heck don't need to remind us what you're doing, we think about it every darn day.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I prefer to call myself a First Mom too. When I first came here "Birthmom" didn't bother me, because that's what I was told I was. Truth be told, I didn't know what one was until I became one and someone said, "Oh, you're the birthmother?" Well, sure, yes, I am.

Now, exactly one year and two months after giving birth to my daughter, I feel very differently. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to correct people that use "birthmother" for a woman that is pregnant and planning to place her child....it makes me crazy, but I can't spend all my time and effort correcting other people, and I don't want to hijack just about every thread I come across...

I have the same problem you do with the birthmother for pg women thing.

Get this, I was the first woman my agency knew that requested to be called something OTHER than birthmom. Oh we use that in love they told me. I told them I didn't care it made me feel like an incubator. Four years later I still haven't gotten their attention on the deal (insert HUGE eye role). I grew up in a house where we just called our first mom and dad, mom and dad, and no one was offended because there wasn't any confusion about who cleaned up my puke and changed my diapers and there still isn't. I don't see M buying the furnace I needed this week, no my mom and dad did that.

The birthmom thing is all about making people comfortable with us. We are either sinners or saints in most peoples' eyes so how can we be a mother? We have to be labelled so people can make sense of our role in the world or what they think our role should be.

Wow I am fired up today, lol.

[thanksgivingmom]

Mom2behappy....
I appreciate your perspective, I just wanted to respond to a couple points...

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

As for a mother for me it means more than to give birth and i would like to think the decision to place is made from love.

For me being a mother did mean more than just giving birth, and would have even had I not entered into the open adoption I am now in.

For nine months I carried my daughter. My Motherhood began long before her birth. I read to her, I sang to her, I took care of myself for her, I made decisions based on her, and only after nine months of caring for her and giving her the best start possible, only THEN did I give birth to her.

So yeah, I did a lot more than just give birth. A lot of us did. I'm not saying your childs first mother did, but many of us did. So even if I made no "Motherly" decisions for her after that, I didn't just give birth.

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

Just like some biological mothers use the term my child's adoptive mom. yet that adoptive mom is the one who chose to raise this child as their own that adoptive mom is the one whose up @ nite when your child is sick, who makes all those first for the child, who has chosen to MOTHER this child.

I know for me if I say "My child's Mom" to someone that doesn't know my whole adoption story they look at me like I'm crazy, so it's necessary for me to refer to her as my daughters Amom.

On the boards and around those who know about DD and her adoption, I generally just say DD's Mom.

I don't know if there is something going on with me today, but this last part of your post really seemed to trigger me for some reason...I guess for me it's that there isn't a finite amount of "Motherhood" available in my relationship with D and A. D being A's everyday MOTHER does NOT make me any less A's Mother. Our roles are certainly different, and I don't try to blur or cross that line in any way, but I still am her Mother in some respect.

[Oceans]

I don't mind the term Birthmom. Actually coming from the closed era, I'm just happy to have a title at all. Birthmom is a big improvement over bio-mom IMHO.

[keds]

Hi Susan, I agree! I use the term only to be identified on these forums - I don't use it anywhere else! I find myself having to go back and "insert" the b when I type a post sometimes as I talk about my "son" and have to fix it to "bson". Sometimes it's the little things that aggravate me the most. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

[alinev]

I am both an Amom and a biomom. When speaking of our son's bmom to others I generally say "the boys mom" not "birth mom", not "natural mom" (which to me sounds oddly like an organic product). We have had them since birth, but is never occurs to me to have to differentiate. I use bmom on the threads because that seems to be the reference of choice, not for any other reason. I am my boys mother now and for always, and so is she. Differently, but the same. (note, we do not have an OA) I understand that this may not be true of all "first, birth or natural" mothers but it is also not necessarily true of all "bio or adoptive" mothers. Many times I have been referred to as an "adoptive mother" in a way that I know was meant to be invalidating, but at the end of the day, for me personally, I just don't care. Funny though, the one time I was completely enraged by a reference was on these forums. I think I was less effected by the reference itself then the fact that it came from the place I thought was the safest, the one place where each of us can expect either solidarity or a least no judgement.

I am clearly tired because I am rambling. I am truly sorry that the OP or anyone else feels invalidated by some of the references used but please take some solace in the fact that it goes all the way around.

Best wishes.

Alison


That said, it would appear that the language is very important to many people. The need to box things in. My own relatives correct my "mom" reference telling me that I am their mother. Really? I think I got that.
I have found that so much of this is simply still so foreign to most people that they just cannot wrap their heads around it.

[wilted rose]

An adoptee chiming in here. I've been following this thread with interest. It has me wondering about 'terms and titles', how, why and where we use them.
Is it the term itself or what we think the term infers? For instance we use the term birthmother here on the forums as a form of distinguishing, ex. amother, bmother. Personally for me, I use the term, but attach no negative connotation to it. I have respect for every position of the triad, and I believe the triad exists inside and outside of these forums. If you are involved in the adoption process, you're a part of the triad for life. If you feel personally that someone inside or outside of the triad is addressing you with a negative intention, they'll find a way to do that regardless, and perhaps that is their agenda, that's unfortunate for everyone involved in the triad, everyone loses on that one, jmo...
I'm wondering how adoptees feel being referred to as an adoptee, that's usually a lifelong term, wonder what connotations it holds? Must ask them...
Thanks,
Rose

[lonni]

"You sure as heck don't need to remind us what you're doing, we think about it every darn day."

"Reminding" is a polite way to express that.
Nice restraint Belle:~))