[doinit4me]

Hi All!

Keds, I think you hit the nail on the head! From some of the posts I've read, everyone, adoptees, bmoms etc worry when there are periods of time between communication. Even though I haven't gone through the reunion part yet, keeping fingers crossed, I do think that I would be worried if I didn't get responses right away. If I think about it that would be unfair. How could I expect my bmom to have or want to have contact with me all the time when I don't even have contact with my amom that often. We can go days, sometimes weeks without talking and I never thought that she didn't want contact. How can I put that kind of pressure on my bfamily.

Sometimes it reminds me of that first date. You know where you think it went well, you give him your number and then feel devestated that he doesn't call you the next day. Then when he does call a few days later, you may not talk to him right away to let him know how it feels. It's not that he's not interested, but he does have a life without you. I know it's comparing apples to oranges but if you think about it, here you have a person whom you feel should have a bond, a relationship with. Someone who you are afraid to scare off if you tell them too much too quickly. (Like that date. You don't want to say I really like you! I could see a future with you. That would scare anynoe off!) It's kind of the same with the reunion. We all worry am I going to say too much? Am I going to be to needy? Am I going to ask the wrong questions? If you don't get that call or email right away you wonder if you offended or frightened and are they pulling away.

All relationships can feel one sided sometimes. I've felt that way with siblings, friends, parents. Am I bugging them because I'm calling them more than they're calling me. It's just human nature. People get busy. Things come up. I just feel that we all need to communicate with each other. It's not wrong to tell someone that you feel as though they're pulling away. It is possible that they weren't aware that they were doing it.

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Hi, Blessed2x...

You'll be surprised at how many of your "annoying" traits actually are traits and characteristics shared with other members of your birth family.

Yes, so true! My son and I have discovered that a lot of the stuff about us that bugs other people is the stuff that he and I share in common. It's kind of like a cosmic joke--we've been annoying other people inidividually for years and now we can get together and do it in "stereo." I've found that a sense of humor is one of the great reunion survival tools, and that's fortunate because the gene pool is a funny thing...

On a serious note, RavenSong, just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry about what's happening with your son. As I read your posts it is clear that you are handling this unimaginable situation with grace and courage. You give strength to so many. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom with all of us, even in the midst of your own pain.

Best,
Susanne

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by doinit4me

I think we are all afraid to a degree. Adoptees, bmoms, amoms, family. Everyone is afraid that they might lose something. Adoptee's worry about being rejected again. Sometimes by their bmoms, sometimes by their amoms. Bmoms may fear losing their child again if they do or say something wrong. Amoms may fear that they will lose the child that they raised or that they won't be needed anymore now that the "real" mom has been found. Spouses may worry that we will become consumed with this and "change" into someone else. (A strong person may become insecure by the emotions that they are feeling. An insecure person might feel "stronger" or more determined.)

Beautifully expressed, Lori. I love your "voice."

There's so much fear, more than enough to go around, and we all share it, no matter where we sit on the "triangle." Seems to me with so much common ground, we should be able to hear each other, empathize, and give each other the benefit of the doubt. The process is so emotionally charged and hits each of us at the core of our essence--our identity--that it's not hard to see why there are such raw insecurities. But I like to think that this common experience of the fear of loss will bring us all into a place of understanding and compassion and health...

Best,
Susanne

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by Blessed2x.

I have been wrestling with the idea lately if it is morally wrong to "pullback" permanently from one's birthfamily once you have entered each other's lives...This is a difficult post for me to make.

Blessed,
I don't know the answer, but I love that you asked the question. I'll ponder it, too...



Best,
Susanne

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by hunny0404

On a serious note, RavenSong, just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry about what's happening with your son. As I read your posts it is clear that you are handling this unimaginable situation with grace and courage. You give strength to so many. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom with all of us, even in the midst of your own pain.

Dear Susanne,

Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought me much needed comfort today. When I read the paragraph above, tears sprung up in my eyes, and I got all choked up. I feel such a sense of belonging among all of you. Bless your heart....

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Dear Susanne,

Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought me much needed comfort today. When I read the paragraph above, tears sprung up in my eyes, and I got all choked up. I feel such a sense of belonging among all of you. Bless your heart....

You're welcome, Raven, but just telling the truth as I see it. I admire you for just being able to get through the day, never mind the good work you do here. Hope you're finding ways to be as good to yourself as you are to all of us...

Hugs,
Susanne

[mariarippy]

I am angry and sad, my mother who relinquished me stepped back into my life at 18. She didn't tell her immediate family for a year. Thirteen years go by with some bad and some good communication. I was at her home with two of my kids when her 24 year old son passed away from brain cancer in 2005. Its been about three years, she won't return calls and emails. Nothing. Did she really crave reunion? She shuts me, my husband, and my four kids out. Thats our mish mosh... I had hoped for my kids to actively know any grandparents. They have my husbands divorced set of parents, my split mom and dad, and my aparents. All seem lost in their "roll."

We were all in attandance at my sister's wedding in 2004. I heard from my sister in January my mom was hosting my brother's wedding on her property on May 10th. We weren't invited.

I'm getting more emotional about the state of affairs. My birthday is this wednesday and my mom sent my sister a card in february for her birthday. This will be another not acknowledged "my" birthday number three since reunion in 1992. I'm 34 and still crave to be cared about. I have four kids she has forgotten... I've seen recent pictures of her at the bridal shower of my brother's fiance. She celebrates with them. Its great there it seems. I imagine visiting my grandchildren the most i can when I get to be in her shoes. I'm definately not like her at all.

[Mockingbird]

mariarippy, I am so sorry that your mom seems to have "dropped out" of the reunion. That has to be really hard for you (and your children). Could it be that she is in a clinical depression after the death of your brother?

I can't even imagine that a mother could cut you and your children out of her life without any reason (real or imagined) and if it were me, I would want to know why. Have you asked her about the situation, or gone to see her? Or even asked your sister if she knows why she has done this? It could be a simple misunderstanding.

[soprano]

I have been in reunion, on and off, for 10 years now. I say "on and off" because my birth daughter has "pulled back" 3 times during that period--12 weeks, 6 months, and the latest for 14 months. She apologized profusely the first time, but this last time gave no reason for pulling back, gave no reason for resuming contact. That is the kind of behavior an abuser uses. Yet I will take her back always [and she knows that]. I have never pulled back from her, although it's been harder to "open up" to her after each incident--the trust issue.

I feel Raven [as always] has made some excellent observations. I agree that "morally wrong" isn't the term, but [for whatever reason] it is cruel.

Soprano

[Jackiejdajda]

Mariarippy

I am angry and sad, my mother who relinquished me stepped back into my life at 18. She didn't tell her immediate family for a year. Thirteen years go by with some bad and some good communication.

I personally do not think pulling back is morally wrong (the original question)..and... I think some of us do not understand the pain it causes.. this because some of us were broken emotionally when the relinquishment happened.. Be it adoptee or be it birthparent.. father or mother..

Your birthmom did not tell her family for a year.. that is a major clue on this.. to me..

She knows not what she does.. maybe..

I can cut my emotions with a snap of my fingers.. I can shut down fast.. and I can not feel anything.. I learned how when I gave my son up for adoption and no one helped me.. No one in my life gave me a hug or a chance to feel grief.. To actually process my grief..
I know there are still places in me that are not right..

I think we all have a right to pull back when we can not handle it.. when we can not step up to the plate and be the person we know we need to be..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

Well, this is an issue I worry about a lot as I ponder reunion. We are not at that stage yet. Just waiting for an email sent through an intermediary is hard enough! If we plan to meet and reunite, however, I do consider it a commitment. Whether my son will, I don't know yet. I hope he will and that if either of us are experiencing any overwhelming emotions that lead to pullback, that we are able to at least let the other person know what's going on and have some sort of plan to touch base at a set time in the future, so as not to keep the other guessing/worrying. I know there are no guarantees, but this is how I'd like to approach it.

I don't know if it's morally wrong to cut someone out totally, but I do know it would be hurtful to me if my son did this because I've already gone through the pain of relinquishment once. I cannot imagine wanting to cut him out completely at all. Heck, I've been communicating with him/his family through the agency his whole life, so I although I can imagine feeling overwhelmed in reunion (I already have just anticipating it), I cannot imagine never communicating with him again.

[soprano]

Clarification--I am not saying my BD didn't have the right to pull back, but when it is done with no explanation or communication at all it feels cruel.

[mariarippy]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

mariarippy, I am so sorry that your mom seems to have "dropped out" of the reunion. That has to be really hard for you (and your children). Could it be that she is in a clinical depression after the death of your brother?

I can't even imagine that a mother could cut you and your children out of her life without any reason (real or imagined) and if it were me, I would want to know why. Have you asked her about the situation, or gone to see her? Or even asked your sister if she knows why she has done this? It could be a simple misunderstanding.

I've asked, asked and asked some more....I've said I was coming to visit and got shut down by her husband. I've asked my sister and she doesn't seem to know why. Three years of unreturned calls aside from her husband leaving a voicemail. Now she is having my brother's wedding on her property on May 10th. We weren't invited...my sister told me about a wedding. Simple misunderstanding? Happy Birthday to me.

[Mockingbird]

Think your brother knows anything? Wouldn't it be up to him to invite you?--not your mother?

Or possibly that your mother's husband has anything to do with it?

Spouses sometimes get their "noses out of joint" as this sort of relationship kind of leaves them "odd-man out" and can create a jealousy. It also is a reminder to the husband that their wife was intimate with someone else before them (for us older people anyway--younger ones, not so much of an issue). Maybe he views you as competition for "his" children. Just a thought.

[keds]

I'm so sorry for your situation. I "think" I'm on the receiving end of "pullback mode" but not sure and don't want to rock the boat to find out. All we can do is hope that it isn't about "us" but rather they have to work out their emotions. I agree with soprano though it does feel "cruel" but that's my perspective. Although, at the moment I am wondering why a bday card wasn't sent to his sister - too busy at work, hesitant to reach out, who knows. All I know, is that it isn't my place to question anyone else's actions, just to make sure mine are honest, true and that I don't hurt anyone. God knows at times, it's hard to lash out when I haven't heard anything but there's always a good reason. Hang in there - let them work out "their" problems.