[mondk]

Hello. We just adopted a newborn baby boy and we just get along great with his birthmom. Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter...she is having a very difficult time right now. She is preparing to be kicked out of her used-to-be fiancee's house and getting ready to go to a homeless shelter. She is 22, no other kids, has a GED but no driver's license/car. She does have a job, minimum wage though and I think she doesn't get that many hours.

Our adoption was finalized Nov. 26th. She never asks for money although I'm planning on sending her some tomorrow. Here is the thing...I would love for her to come to live with us until she can get some money saved up to get a place of her own. Like, we would set the boundaries on how long she could stay etc.

Is this a big no-no? I hate to think of her in a homeless shelter...both her parents are dead and she has no other relatives.

If this is a big time no-no, can you suggest other ways I could help her?

Thanks so much and blessings, Michelle

[susieloo]

mondk...I was totally touched by your post.
It sounds like she needs a good dose of mothering...to have lost both parents at such a young age must me devastating, let alone cope with the relinquishment of a baby.
I do not think this is a no no at all, as long as you do set those boundaries. Infact I think this is the most humane response I have heard in a long time from any one on any matter...it makes me smile with my whole body and I wished there was more of it!
This poor girl needs someone pretty quickly to let her know that she is valid and worthy...and it could be the answer to her being able make it through the rest of her life.
I dont think this is something you can do by yourself however...but with your support and the support of proffessionals that you may need to steer her toward, you will at least be giving her the best start possible.
And you can lay your head on your pillow at night knowing you have done the best you can.
Susie

[bromanchik]

I think it would be extremely difficult for her to live with you. I know your intentions are honorable, but can you imagine what it would be like to live with you? To see daily all the things you can give her baby, that she cannot? To see you becoming more of a family while she is so actively grieving?

I think helping her find the services she needs so she can be on her own would be most helpful. Many homeless shelters offer case workers that help with finding housing and adequate employment. Getting her services is the impairative.

[BrandyHagz]

Once you open that door, it's dang hard to close.

Make darn sure you know what you're getting yourself into!

Even two weeks (which doesn't seem long at all) is a LONG time to sit in your bedroom, with the door closed, crying because of your home is out of control and your bedroom door has a lock, so she can't get in!

It'd be better to help her find the resources - rather than putting yourself in the middle.

Gosh I wish I'd listened to my own advice...

[mondk]

Thanks so much for the input everyone. She told me she had signed up for some classes before the big break up with her fiancee and I told her she would probably definitely qualify for a Pell grant; she had never even heard of it. I had a friend get the Pell grant and she had tuition, books, room/board, pretty much everything paid for.

So I told bmom to go to the college where she had wanted to take classes, go to financial aid and ask them to help her apply for the Pell. I sent her $200 today and hope that will help some. She lives in Florida, we live in Missouri. She told me that she had a couple of online girlfriends who had also offered her a place to stay...one in Ohio and another in Kansas. But since she only knows them via talking to them online, I really wouldn't want her taking a chance with them. At least, she knows us and has spent a lot of time with us.

If worse comes to worse and she is out on the streets, then I think I will fly her here; we have a good community college just 10 miles from where we live and with the Pell grant could probably find her some housing based on income. Then I could also help her get a driver's license and maybe a good used car. I just want to take her in and let her save her money. I can't stand the thought of her being on the street!

Anyway, thanks again; I'll keep you all posted.

Blessings, Michelle

[susieloo]

You sound like a person of integrity.I loved what you said in your last post. I think I would feel exactly the same. I also think that the input from others has validity.

[erinelso06]

i understand that you mean well. maybe instead of taking her in, you could find one of your friends or another family member of yours. it wouldnt be healthy for her to live with you. she is grieving losing a child, i dont think it would help for her to have to see the child everyday. if you have no friends or family willing to take her in, then maybe help her get on welfare or financial help in her town. i know you mean well, i just dont think this would be good for her heart or mind. i am a birthmom, and i have a great relationship with my daughters parents, but you cant take it to that level.

[chunkmomma1]

I am a birth mom, there is noway I could live where my child is placed, yes maybe the same town. It would be real hard for you to bond with the child with the birthmom living in your home. If you feel like giving her money I am sure she would really appreciate the help. But in my opinion DO NOT MOVE HER IN.
I know other people may disagree but I would be more worried about you and your family bonding with the baby.

[Oceans]

No advice here but I do want to say that I think you are amazing....

If she is truly committed to school then she will probably get most of it paid for in student loans, grants and I believe there is a small amount of scholarship $$ available for bmom’s.

You can help her understand what she would qualify for here: FAFSA4caster - U.S. Department of Education Also, check out her state grants. I quickly googled and found this: Find a Florida College Grant | OEDb You may want to look more in depth.

I am helping a family member (bmom) through the adoption process. Having her focus on her goals and college has helped her immensely. I know it helped me many years ago when I was a bmom.

If she is truly committed then I would encourage her to look at Universities (with on-campus housing), if not or HS was challenging, then a Community College might be more fitting and typically have lower cost apartments surrounding so no car needed unless for work.

I am up to my neck in college planning so if you need any help I am happy to share what I know…

[mondk]

In a couple of weeks she is moving to another state to stay with this guy that she knows online, he is married and has a young one too and she told me they've been communicating for a year via Internet. He has allegedly told her she could stay in his basement.

Personally, I am scared for her...on the Internet you can say or do anything and live in total anonymity. I am very concerned but what do I say to her? I don't want her mad at me, of course, so I just listened basically and said mmm hmmm during most of the conversation.

My dh says she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions...I know that but I'm still really scared for her. She will be leaving behind all her friends and what little family she does have.

Any suggestions?

Blessings, Michelle

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mondk

My dh says she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions...I know that but I'm still really scared for her. She will be leaving behind all her friends and what little family she does have.

Any suggestions?

Blessings, Michelle

I would help her devise a safety plan.

[Oceans]

Originally Posted by mondk

In a couple of weeks she is moving to another state to stay with this guy that she knows online, he is married and has a young one too and she told me they've been communicating for a year via Internet. He has allegedly told her she could stay in his basement.

Personally, I am scared for her...on the Internet you can say or do anything and live in total anonymity. I am very concerned but what do I say to her?

I am going to think about this too but I would absolutely help her with a safety plan. I have the same instinct as you.... Call me cynical but this doesn't sound right. At a MINIMUM I would want to know his name, address, email and her new phone number. Maybe a background check on him?? <YIKES!!>

I am so sorry you have to worry about her like this but I'm very happy she has you to worry about her...

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by mondk

In a couple of weeks she is moving to another state to stay with this guy that she knows online, he is married and has a young one too and she told me they've been communicating for a year via Internet. He has allegedly told her she could stay in his basement.

Personally, I am scared for her...on the Internet you can say or do anything and live in total anonymity. I am very concerned but what do I say to her? I don't want her mad at me, of course, so I just listened basically and said mmm hmmm during most of the conversation.

My dh says she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions...I know that but I'm still really scared for her. She will be leaving behind all her friends and what little family she does have.

Any suggestions?

Blessings, Michelle

This sounds so wrong to me on so many levels. My gut instinct when I read that this young woman is going to move out of state into the basement of some guy she's "met" on the Internet was to think, "OMG, I hope she doesn't turn out to be another one of those national news stories we've all been hearing the past few years." Seriously, it sounds so dangerous to me. Maybe the guy and his wife are on the "up and up", but they could also be predators.

Is it possible for this young lady to rent out a room in a boarding house or private home? When I first started college, I had about $500 in my pocket. I had moved out of my home state, and had no family living nearby. I was able to rent a room from an elderly woman who lived nearby the university. My rent was far less than I would have paid had I rented my own apartment. Sure, I had to respect the "house rules" and didn't have the freedom I would have had in my own place, but I think this was actually to my advantage in my first year of college.

[keds]

Raven, I agree. There's something that just doesn't "sit" right about this. Of course, I am a bit mistrusting of people but you do hear of awful stories every day. Best to ask questions and be thought to be "over-protective" than keep quiet and have regrets.

[rainmon]

I would agree with all of the others above....get her away from the situations that are so dangerous to her first & foremost....by getting her to your hometown.
then you will be able to get her set up somewhere in a boarding house, etc to get her life together, and with all the exellent suggestions above... but staying with you for more then just a couple weeks might not be so good for ALL concerned, she needs to live independently & get used to doing things on her own, trying on her own.... and you cannot assume the Mom role for her also.
bonding with "your" child cannot be put second.
and with her bonding with the child at the same time...I agree... could cause lots of emotional stress for everyone concerned. and you just don't know how attached she may become.