[mygrl4meee]

Wow!!! I just read this entire thread. I think you are just great. I think if you guys can continue having a good relationship, it will help her cope with losing a child to adoption.
My daughter who I lost to adoption will be 17 years soon, and one thing that bugs me the most, is plain lies and no consideration for my feelings.
I hope everything goes well for M.C. She is lucky to have you.

[djvj]

this thread has really touched my heart. i think you have been able to walk that miniscule tightrope between compassion and co-depence. i hope your chid's bmom continues to respect boundaries and that she really uses the opportunities you are giving her to grow, heal and stablize...i think it looks (at the moment at least) like you have been able to work through a difficult situation and find a positive outcome and i want to extend my admiration and respect for your success.

best of luck to all involved

[mondk]

She is begging me to let her stay for labor day; they get a 4 day weekend that is a free pass. I told her yes on one condition: that she buy all the food for that weekend (she has over $300 in food stamps) which would make up for the gas to go get her and take her back. She readily agreed.

I also decided we were no longer going to pay for her cell phone, but we decided to put her on our cell phone plan...I'd rather pay an extra $20/mo. on our bill than $70/mo. on hers plus she is getting more minutes with our plan. She will have to change her number yet again but that is a small price to pay I feel.

Anyway, I'm going to go get her on Fri. the 28th...

Blessings, Michelle

[mondk]

Another update: M.C. called me a couple nights ago and she was elected "student of the month" there at Job Corps. I'm not exactly sure what she got from it...she was saying something about now she gets to be some kind of aide there...the cell phone connection was static-y so I couldn't make all of it out.

Anyway, she and her boyfriend are doing fine. She wants to come here sometime this month but I'm having some job problems (trying to find one, I was forced to resign and have a possible lawsuit pending because I feel they discriminated against me because I have a bipolar disability, big long story) so I told her definitely for Halloween we'd come and get her and her boyfriend too. We all plan to dress up...Joshie is going as Elmo...he has 2 Elmo dolls that he HAS to sleep with....I'm going as a witch, Brad is going as a werewolf and Claire is going in 1950's attire. We should really make for an interesting group!

This is also a bump for anyone on the other forums who might want to follow my story.

Blessings, Michelle

[mondk]

M.C. wants to come next weekend for Easter. At first she wanted to bring a guy friend with her...my dh didn't know at the time if he would be home or not, so I told her she could (thinking dh probably would not be home). Well, dh changed bosses and is now going to be home; well so I talked to M.C. a couple weeks ago; she and the guy got into a fight and he wasn't going to come.

So then she calls me last night to tell me that this guy IS coming after all. I told her I'd have to talk it over with dh. Dh said I had to pick between him or this guy that we don't know from Adam. So I told M.C. that I was very sorry but chose my dh (Sunday is also my birthday). She got very upset and told me that she thought my dh was being "childish" and since I had a very trying night at work prior to our discussion, I yelled at her and told her she didn't have to come here at all. She was instantly contrite and very apologetic. She is still coming, the guy is not.

She is still living at J.C. and is supposed to be preparing to learn how to drive (she has a learner's permit). I didn't mean to yell at her but she caught me at a really bad time in my evening.

Anyway, just had to vent! She did ask me right before hanging up how Joshie was doing. Btw, Joshie is now sleeping in a toddler bed (an Elmo one I found on Ebay). He so loves anything Elmo. He will be 21 mos. old on the 9th. I've got our Easter pics on our totsite if anyone would like to see him; he is growing like a weed.

Blessings, Michelle

[EZ2Luv]

Michele Honey, Give yourself a break. You have been so patient, loving, understanding and giving to MC that you shouldn't beat yourself up for losing your cool. We all do it even with people we love and care about. You are 100% correct and listening to your DH. This man is a total stranger and your every right in the world as to who you want in YOUR home. Also, I saw the pics on your site, they are adorable. Joshie is getting so big.

EZ

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by mondk

So I told M.C. that I was very sorry but chose my dh (Sunday is also my birthday).

Michelle, did you actually tell her that your DH said it was between him and this guy and then apologized for it? If so, I would try to find a different method of communicating with MC...You and your DH need to present a united front. And FWIW, I agree with your DH - I wouldn't be comfortable about having a strange man in my home whom I'd never met regardless of whether or not my DH would be home...

In fact, if I were you, I'd sit down and discuss with your DH how you envision the visit with MC going, and decide in advance how you will "handle" potential glitches that may come up, based off past situations.

Good luck...

[JustPeachy]

my dh didn't know at the time if he would be home or not, so I told her she could (thinking dh probably would not be home). Well, dh changed bosses and is now going to be home; well so I talked to M.C. a couple weeks ago; she and the guy got into a fight and he wasn't going to come.

I agree you need to present a united front always. If you knew your husband would not go for this, but agreed to it mistakenly thinking your husband wouldn't be home, I think you are putting MC and her wants/desires ahead of your husband, and that is not good.

So then she calls me last night to tell me that this guy IS coming after all. I told her I'd have to talk it over with dh. Dh said I had to pick between him or this guy that we don't know from Adam. So I told M.C. that I was very sorry but chose my dh (Sunday is also my birthday).

Again, here, not to pick you apart, but you are not presenting a united front. You are basically deferring to your husband and making it all his decision and telling MC you had to choose between your husband or this strange guy she wants to bring into your house. By doing this, you make your husband out to be the bad guy and appear wishy-washy. I think MC can easily pick up on this and take advantage of it. Why not simply and directly tell her no? That you discussed it with your husband and came to the decision together that it was not something you could accommodate, now or in the future?

She got very upset and told me that she thought my dh was being "childish" and since I had a very trying night at work prior to our discussion, I yelled at her and told her she didn't have to come here at all. She was instantly contrite and very apologetic. She is still coming, the guy is not.

Well, I'm actually glad you lost your temper and set some sort of boundary with her. MC has quite some nerve to dictate that your husband was being "childish." It's your house and your rules and not up to her to question them. I did not have an open adoption, but I cannot imagine ever approaching my son's parents in this manner. I know you want to be understanding of your child's birthmom and I know she comes to with a lot of issues, but I wouldn't feel bad about yelling at her. I would, in the future, present that united front, as I think it would go a long way in preventing these sort of misunderstandings in the first place.

[RavenSong]

Michelle, I'm glad you lost your temper with Claire. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. You handled it fine, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

BTW, I wouldn't let her bring her boyfriend of the month to my home either. Don't worry about it.

[mondk]

Thanks everyone...yes I agree we need to present a united front. I sort of knew she'd be mad, so I sort of pushed it all off on dh and made him out to be the bad guy.

Oh work was awful this weekend; the worst weekend I've had since starting there in July...so I was really stressed and her anger about what I thought was petty just sent me over the top. I feel she should be more grateful, but I also realize I enable her too much too.

We are considering adopting again. This time through an agency. Nothing for certain until we have plenty of money saved which won't happen until summer of 2010 if we can keep going now and saving well. We've saved all of Joshie's stuff except the swing which I donated to the womens' shelter.

Thanks again everyone....

Blessings, Michelle

[Teenmom2007]

So i was pregnant when I turned 17.I moved from NC to UT and stayed with a foster family. I got to know them and love them as my own and them the same. I decided to place my baby with them April 2007. They say they got two daughters out of one, adn introduce me to everyone as their daughter.
Thing is, my adoption is so open alot more than other open ones, that I would suggest maybe you could help the birth mom out.
My Acouple and I had boundries, etc.
As long as the mom isn't doing drugs, has a job, etc. then let her stay for a bit...
But you do need to bond with the baby, and depending on how emotionally stable she can handle you bonding it may be different.
I could barely handle watching Molly change Christian's diaper and hearing Christian cry, I knew she needed her mommy and it wasn't me.
I eventually was able to move a week after placing and go to college 30 min away.
I suggest that maybe you could help her find a place nearby if not with you

[EZ2Luv]

Teenmom, I am glad things worked out for you. Michele (the OP) has been a saint in helping the Bmom. She is just working on settin boundries is all.

EZ

[mondk]

Everyone: You know it's funny to hear ourselves talk. I reminded M.C. on the phone before she came that she might want to bring all her winter clothes "home" and switch to more spring/summery clothes. Right after I said that, I was like, I said "home" so whether we acknowledge it or not, it is like we have adopted her too.

Last night, it was just me and her and Joshie and Joshie vomited and even though I thought I was going to hurl too and so did she, we cleaned up the mess and Joshie together. She made the comment that some day she would have her own kids so she probably better start getting used to these things. I told her that even though I'm an RN, vomit is the one thing that will 99% of the time, turn my stomach.

But I was proud of myself and of her for jumping right in to help me. She totally "had my back" LOL.

Blessings, Michelle