[wonderingkatie84]

My younger sister and I are both adoptees (though not biologically related) and she is now pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. As a little girl, I always had questions about my adoption and my birthparents and everything, but she never really did, and now that she's pregnant, she seems almost cold about it. She's only 20, and while I understand that right now she probably just wants to do what she thinks is right and move on with her life, she's my baby sister and I worry a lot that down the line she may have regrets about not exploring having even minimal contact with this child. Even though I have no identifying information and no contact with my birthparents, I have a letter from my birthmother that she wrote when I was born explaining that she loved me but knew she couldn't raise me the way she thought I deserved to be raised. I'm 23 now, and that letter has always been such a huge comfort to me and I worry that my sister is in too much of a hurry to get through this ordeal to consider the long term effects on both her and her baby. I want to be supportive without being preachy and while she's doing everything right to ensure both she and the baby stay healthy through the pregnancy and future delivery, I'm really concerned about what this will do to her afterward. I don't think my adoptive parents are going to be much help to her at all-they keep telling me not to worry, that this "isn't my business," but how can I not worry? She's my baby sister and we're closer to each other than we've ever felt to them, so I feel like in a lot of ways, it's more my business than it is theirs. I need help, I can't shake the feeling that there's a very real possibility that I might lose my bright, bubbly, beautiful sister to regret and my adoptive parents' old-fashioned sweep it under the rug ideas on psychological problems. ANY little tidbit of advice is welcome!

-Katie

[keepitfluffy]

I just wanted to say that when my sister in law had her kids removed and put up for adoption, I found it very hard, being an adoptee myself. I wanted to 'rescue' them and take them in, but was not in a position to have done that, back then. I guess because I have my own emotional baggage regarding adoption it feels that much harder as I have more insight.

You sound so lovely and your sister is very lucky to have you looking out for her. I hope she can get the support she needs to make the right decision for her and her baby and it sounds like she will with you by her side.

[bromanchik]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Is she going through an agency?

[TxMom65]

In my opinion, you are right. It is your business but you can't force her to open her eyes to any of this. Just be there to support her, as you are, and maybe some of it will sink in.

[belleinblue1978]

Is she working with an agency? Some counseling is really important right now. I'm adopted and a first mom and I KNEW that I needed my son to have an open adoption so he didn't have to live in the dark like I did growing. (I was 26 when he was born and placed by the way.) I do pull back sometimes though when I'm dealing with issues surrounding my own adoption and relationships with my first family or lack there of.

I was blocking a whole lot out about how the future would be while I was pregnant, it was too scary to contemplate, maybe that is what she is doing.

Again, encourage her to get some counseling!

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Again, encourage her to get some counseling!

Please make sure she seeks counseling OUTSIDE of the agency, from someone who stands to gain NOTHING, whether she parents or places.

Good Luck!

[wonderingkatie84]

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and advice. She is going through an agency, so she has some tools available to her for help, I'm not sure she's utilizing them though. The other obstacle here is that she is living at home and I'm 80 miles away at school-close enough to drive in at any time if she needs me, but also far enough away for our parents to fairly effectively keep me out of the loop (I do have direct contact with her but with the holiday season I've been trying to keep our conversations fairly light). I'm getting close to graduating and I've had some troubles getting to this point, so I know that our parents don't want me to worry and lose my focus. It hasn't derailed me so far and she's my family which is way more important. I know this is going to have far reaching effects for her, I just really want her to have all the information so she can decide what will be best. Mommy24-thanks for your post. I think it would be a good idea for her to have someone objective and not invested in the situation to talk to. Thank you all again, I really appreciate all you have to say!

[Jackiejdajda]

When I gave my son up for adoption my parents were a great influence on what I was doing.. My mom (and dad) did everything to make sure I gave him up.. I used a fake name and wore a fake ring.. etc..

There have been times in my life when I felt I had not made the decision myself and I had a lot to sort around that..

When we make a life changing decision such as giving a baby up for adoption we need to be the one making the decision..
Then IMO we can sort it.. We have no one to blame and we have no one to resent.. and we can not divert from the legitimate grieving..

There are some folks these days that want to convince a woman to not relinquish.. Tell her she will hurt and it will never go away etc.. They are talking about themselves and not for the person making the decision.. and its wrong in my thinking..

I say.. tell your sister that you are behind her no matter what she decides..

Jackie

[thanksgivingmom]

I was 24 when I placed and I too couldn't see past the birth and placement. I played the denial game a lot, thinking that once my baby was placed and I knew she was safe and happy and healthy with a family that all my worries, fears, everything would be magically all better.

What a joke!!! Through my now open adoption I do get updates on her safety, health, and happiness, but I can't imagine now not knowing where she was or how she was...everything changed drastically for me after she was born.

I have to agree with the others that unbiased counseling would be of monumental importance and benefit!

[InBlindFaith]

She does need unbiased counseling. the emotions involved after placement are huge. She needs to understand that you don't place and just move on with your life. It's not like dropping off a puppy. There is a lot of pain that goes along with this.

I tried to pretend, I tried to stuff it down and ignore it then 18 years later it came bubbling up and I had to finally face the fact...I wasn't able to just go on and pretend like it never happened.

Unbiased counseling is a must...counseling from an Agency doesn't count.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by wonderingkatie84

My younger sister and I are both adoptees (though not biologically related) and she is now pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. As a little girl, I always had questions about my adoption and my birthparents and everything, but she never really did, and now that she's pregnant, she seems almost cold about it. She's only 20, and while I understand that right now she probably just wants to do what she thinks is right and move on with her life, she's my baby sister and I worry a lot that down the line she may have regrets about not exploring having even minimal contact with this child. Even though I have no identifying information and no contact with my birthparents, I have a letter from my birthmother that she wrote when I was born explaining that she loved me but knew she couldn't raise me the way she thought I deserved to be raised. I'm 23 now, and that letter has always been such a huge comfort to me and I worry that my sister is in too much of a hurry to get through this ordeal to consider the long term effects on both her and her baby. I want to be supportive without being preachy and while she's doing everything right to ensure both she and the baby stay healthy through the pregnancy and future delivery, I'm really concerned about what this will do to her afterward. I don't think my adoptive parents are going to be much help to her at all-they keep telling me not to worry, that this "isn't my business," but how can I not worry? She's my baby sister and we're closer to each other than we've ever felt to them, so I feel like in a lot of ways, it's more my business than it is theirs. I need help, I can't shake the feeling that there's a very real possibility that I might lose my bright, bubbly, beautiful sister to regret and my adoptive parents' old-fashioned sweep it under the rug ideas on psychological problems. ANY little tidbit of advice is welcome!

-Katie

I married at 17, had a dau and a son at 19. I tried to understand why I couldn't raise a child at 16, why my mom forced an adoption. But it hurt anyway. Logic and reality are two different things.

The problem with her being 20, she is old enough to work and raise a child.
In a year of two she will see that she was old enough to do it. That may possibly make her feel worse.

Sorry that she is even considering it. Good luck to you both.

[wonderingkatie84]

Again, thanks for everyone's thoughts. Sorry it's taken me a while to get back, but I had exams last week (fun, fun). I would like to clarify a few things. While my adoptive parents have made it clear that they think adoption is the best path, my sister was the one that initially brought it up to them. While it may be that technically she is "old enough" to work and raise a child, she seems to know she is not mature enough or in the place to do it right now. She's living at home and going to school, but she's been in and out of school for over a year and hasn't decided on a direction for her life, which at only 20 is perfectly acceptable. If the situation were different and she was a lot closer to being ready to be independent from our parents, then raising this baby herself might be a more viable option, but as it is now, it's just not. She has told me that this is what she thinks is best. Her boyfriend (the baby's father) is my age and is in the same place she is except he's not in school and he's not working, so he's just 23 with no life goals and still living at home. Basically neither of them would be raising this baby, it would either be our parents or his parents and our parents are getting old (they're both 60) and she hates his parents (she said she wouldn't wish them on her worst enemy's kids) so she didn't want that. I know this is going to have major effects on her, and I just feel so helpless because I can't force her to realize that and start taking steps to deal with it and because of that I'm worried and scared that she'll eventually become just a shell of the person she was. This is a sad and difficult situation but I don't think it should necessarily tear my family apart and it seems there's a very real chance that it might. I talked to my mom the other day and it's becoming more and more clear that I'm the only one in the family that sees there's a need to take action and make decisions here and I am getting really tired and pissed off that everyone keeps trying to hush me up and make me feel like I'm forcing an issue that doesn't need to be dealt with yet. It's like there's a **** pink elephant in the middle of the room and I'm standing on top of it screaming at the top of my lungs that something should probably be done about it and everyone is either ignoring it or telling me I'm crazy and that there is no elephant. Or that it's none of my business and I should keep to my own affairs. I'm just so angry at my parents right now. I'm 23 and close to graduating, my major is centered around families and I've taken several classes on family stress and child development, not to mention I'm adopted myself which neither of my parents are, and I am being treated like I'm 16 and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and like I don't know anything. It's so frustrating! Why won't they see that I'm an adult and I might have more information and access to resources through my teachers and that (duh) it might be a good idea to try a utilize that? Or that this is my problem because I'm in this family too and that the problems of the individual affect the whole family system? I'm just so tired of it. My parents are 60-I'll never get them to listen because "they are the parent and I am the child" and unfortunately they're the ones with the direct influence on my sister right now. Anyway, I'm done venting and this post is getting long. Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. If nothing else, it's nice to have a place where people are sympathetic and want to be helpful.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by wonderingkatie84

Again, thanks for everyone's thoughts. Sorry it's taken me a while to get back, but I had exams last week (fun, fun). I would like to clarify a few things. While my adoptive parents have made it clear that they think adoption is the best path, my sister was the one that initially brought it up to them. While it may be that technically she is "old enough" to work and raise a child, she seems to know she is not mature enough or in the place to do it right now. She's living at home and going to school, but she's been in and out of school for over a year and hasn't decided on a direction for her life, which at only 20 is perfectly acceptable. If the situation were different and she was a lot closer to being ready to be independent from our parents, then raising this baby herself might be a more viable option, but as it is now, it's just not. She has told me that this is what she thinks is best. Her boyfriend (the baby's father) is my age and is in the same place she is except he's not in school and he's not working, so he's just 23 with no life goals and still living at home. Basically neither of them would be raising this baby, it would either be our parents or his parents and our parents are getting old (they're both 60) and she hates his parents (she said she wouldn't wish them on her worst enemy's kids) so she didn't want that. I know this is going to have major effects on her, and I just feel so helpless because I can't force her to realize that and start taking steps to deal with it and because of that I'm worried and scared that she'll eventually become just a shell of the person she was. This is a sad and difficult situation but I don't think it should necessarily tear my family apart and it seems there's a very real chance that it might. I talked to my mom the other day and it's becoming more and more clear that I'm the only one in the family that sees there's a need to take action and make decisions here and I am getting really tired and pissed off that everyone keeps trying to hush me up and make me feel like I'm forcing an issue that doesn't need to be dealt with yet. It's like there's a **** pink elephant in the middle of the room and I'm standing on top of it screaming at the top of my lungs that something should probably be done about it and everyone is either ignoring it or telling me I'm crazy and that there is no elephant. Or that it's none of my business and I should keep to my own affairs. I'm just so angry at my parents right now. I'm 23 and close to graduating, my major is centered around families and I've taken several classes on family stress and child development, not to mention I'm adopted myself which neither of my parents are, and I am being treated like I'm 16 and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and like I don't know anything. It's so frustrating! Why won't they see that I'm an adult and I might have more information and access to resources through my teachers and that (duh) it might be a good idea to try a utilize that? Or that this is my problem because I'm in this family too and that the problems of the individual affect the whole family system? I'm just so tired of it. My parents are 60-I'll never get them to listen because "they are the parent and I am the child" and unfortunately they're the ones with the direct influence on my sister right now. Anyway, I'm done venting and this post is getting long. Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. If nothing else, it's nice to have a place where people are sympathetic and want to be helpful.

Frist off, though you think, and she feels she is not ready now, that can all change as she gets bigger and the baby becomes more real, or when the baby is born.

If you continue to push your sister to give away her baby, when she may still have doubts, you could ruin your relationship. You will cause you sister more pain then you can imagine.

This decission is her's and her's alone, it is not yours, and you should not say anything else too her.

Until she has the child she will not know if she really can or can't do it. Nor will you know for such if she will be able to handle it until it happens.

The pink elephant right now is you, stop, stop trying to talk your sister into something she is still thinking about.

I lost my son because no one would even let me try. I was 15 when pregnant and just 16 when he was born.

I married at 17 and had another child 9 month later.

I was able, with able, but no one wanted to beleive it.

It is a difficult and pain decission even in today open adoption era.

Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
Your sister will be 9 months older when the baby is born. Nice months more mature.

Relinquishing a child is hard, harder then anything. It hurts, to give birth, it hurts when the milk comes in and there is no baby to nurse. It hurts every day for the rest of your life. A mother may push the hurt down but it never goes away. Do you really want to be a part of causing your sister this pain?

The entire decission is hers not yours or your parents.
Even if you didn't intend too, the way you have written this today, it really sounds like you are the one forcing this. I don't think you are, but that is what it sounds like.

Sorry, this was not meant to flame you, but you need to know how hard this is.

I am a birthmother, I still, even after being reunited for 10 years can be reduced to tears over not being able to raise him.

Do you really want your sister to have this pain?

I wish her the best of luck in whatever her decission is.

My feeling are my own, but I personally know 20 other birthmothers who feel as I do. Some are young and in open adoptions.

Life is never the same after you relinquish a child, you cannot go back to the way it was before you were pregnant. You can't pretend it never happened.

The baby/child, who isn't there any longer, he/she is the elephant in the room. Unspoken, loved and lost.

I am sorry if my feelings upset you. I just feel you need to understand what could happen.

[bromanchik]

Scarlett,
The OP is concerned that her sister is planning to place her baby for adoption without really thinking it through. She wants people in her family to talk about the options. She really is on your side.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Scarlett,
The OP is concerned that her sister is planning to place her baby for adoption without really thinking it through. She wants people in her family to talk about the options. She really is on your side.

I am sorry if I misread the post.

It is a touchy subject for me. I know that sometimes even I try to say something without really getting into real feelings on the boards.

I have to say for some reason this December has been hard for me. You would think after 44 years that it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have no idea what has caused my emotions to be so up front and center.

I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me and I can't see what my trigger is.

I am deeply sorry.