[ems999]

Hi there,

I am new to this forum but hope someone can help me. I have made the decision to place my baby girl for adoption. Obviously this has been very hard.

My baby will be going to her adoptive parents in a few weeks time (she is currently with foster parents) and I have been asked by the agency to write her a letter for her life story book.

To say I am stuck for words would be an understatement. How do you write this sort of thing? Can anyone help me.

Thanks

[Lucky5]

I'm an adoptee so I dont know if I can help you, but thought I might try.

As an adoptee, I think I would have like that kind of letter to describe why I was given up (the bmom's perspective is different to the facts you get in the official papers, & the official papers can be wrong). But try to keep this neutral & avoid blaming people if you can.

Maybe a bit about her bdad, how you guys met etc. But I don't know your situation, so that depends.

If you named her, maybe explain why you chose that name. My bdad named me after a foster sister of his, so that name meant a lot more to me after I heard how much he'd cared about the girl he named me after. My aparents changed my name, but it was still nice to hear what my original name had meant to him.

I'd suggest ending the letter by saying how much you love your daughter, how you'll never forget her and if she ever wants to contact you, you'd love to hear from her. But obviously, only if this is the truth. (I'm assuming this is a closed adoption?)

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but will come back if I do. Hope this helps.

I'm not in your situation so can't imagine how hard it must be, but I really hope you're ok. Good luck x

[kdecrow]

Hi Steph...

When I located my adult birth son this year, unfortunately he was deceased. BUT, I did learn from his Amom that the thing that bothered him most is not knowing his heritage. Also, will this be an open or closed adoption? I think that's instrumental in deciding what you need to put on paper now.
Good luck to you sweetheart. There will be some hard days ahead of you and just remember, there are those of us here that understand and care so very much.

Love & Peace,
Kim

[Rifilanna]

Hi,

Tell the truth, but do remeber you are talking to a child. If all the truth you write is that you love her, do that. I can't rember a word I wrote, so it had better have been the truth. Tell her how hard the decision is for you.

dd had wanted to know not just about me, but about her whole bfamily, I would have included that if I had known. My mom did a photofamily tree for her this year. I didn't write much about myself, I would change that also. I would also have had her bdad write his own letter (don't know if that is possible for you) so that he could have established his own relastionship with her more easily. Having said all that I don't know if she got the letter, a copy would have been nice, for her to have now....and so I could remember what I wrote.


p

[lilraskels]

I am an amom. I know from experience with adoptees that my child longs to know her mother loves her. She was adopted at 7 and now shes 16 but she is very jealous of the others for getting such a letter from their mother that said she loves them. From there I would not know what to say. Go with your heart. As long as you do that I don't see how you could go wrong. Good luck to you!

[ems999]

Thanks so much for all your replies. It means a lot.

My situation is probably a bit different from yours.

My baby girl was planned and very much wanted. I am still with the father and we have another child.

After an uneventful pregnant and normal ultrasound scans, my baby was born with downs syndrome and my partner and I do not feel we can cope with the additional needs she has.

The adoption will be open but possibly only letterbox contact. I am not sure how much she will understand even when she is a bit older. The agency want us to write a letter for her life story book.

Thanks once again

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by ems999

After an uneventful pregnant and normal ultrasound scans, my baby was born with downs syndrome and my partner and I do not feel we can cope with the additional needs she has.

The adoption will be open but possibly only letterbox contact. I am not sure how much she will understand even when she is a bit older.

Keep it simple, but realize that children with Downs vary widely in their cognitive abilities. She may be high functioning. Children with this syndrome absolutely understand love. Make sure she knows that.

My heart hurts for you. It is extremely painful to come to the decision that you cannot provide for your child. There is a book called "Shattered Dreams - Lonely Choices" written by a birthmom of a Downs child. It is out of print but you might be able to find it online. I have a copy. If you cannot find it I would be happy to copy some excerpts for you.

[ems999]

Thanks very much. I already have a copy of that book, it has helped enormously.

Thanks again

[Juliana13]

My mom's little sister is Down's Syndrome. She is (and many Down's individuals are) very sensitive emotionally. They feel deeply. They want reassurances of love and acceptance. My aunt is high functioning, - able to be left alone, able to read and carry on mostly adult conversations (with quirks), but not live independently. She's eternally about 6 years old, which, if you think about it, is a pretty capable age. I am thinking of her, as well as my two adopted children as I write this.

Write about how much she is loved. They really understand love. Write about why you placed her. Don't write that you placed because she has Down's. That is not the reason, and she should not feel at all that it is her fault. You placed because you were not ready at that time in your life to be the parents you felt she needed. So you found her forever family for her. Down's kids tend to believe whatever they are told - very childlike.

My children love to read their letters, they love to read the reasons we were chosen as their parents, so maybe you could include that, too. ("I chose your parents because your mom is strong and loving, and you Dad is kind and funny, and I knew they were the right family for you." - or whatever.)

Also you could write about when she was born, maybe how you held her, if you talked to her, what you told her. Write that you loved her. I wouldn't dwell on the sadness part of it. It is very real and valid for you, but she may not understand it, and may have a hard time processing that. Down's kids sometimes have a hard time dreaming about the future, but they love to relive the past. They love to hear stories, especially about themselves. And that people love them and think about them. My aunt loves to hear about when she was a cute little girl (just like my almost 6 year old does...).

And put in a picture of you guys. Even though my children's birthparents did not stay together, it matters to my daughter that they liked each other, and respect each other, and it's important to them to have picture of them, to put a face to it all.

Good luck.

[ems999]

Thank you for responding Juliana. That does give me some help and strength. The last thing I wanted to write was that it was because of the Downs Syndrome but it is so hard to find the words. I will try now.

Thanks again
x

[InBlindFaith]

Make sure you put in there that you love her!!

(((HUGS)))

[loveajax]

EMS, I just wanted to say good luck with writing the letter. Although we have an open adoption with our DD's birth parents, I have asked DD's birth mom if she would write a letter like the one you are planning to write. I just think it would be really helpful to me as I try to explain the "whys" as DD gets older and for DD to know how much she is loved. Good luck with everything...I am sure this is an incredibly emotional time and I am thinking of you. Karen

[ems999]

Thanks once again.

I have just had the news that we are hopefully going to get twice yearly face-to-face contact with her so I am absolutely thrilled about that.

I still haven't written my letter, I am going to try at the weekend when I have got some time to sit and think

x

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by ems999

I have just had the news that we are hopefully going to get twice yearly face-to-face contact with her so I am absolutely thrilled about that.

That is wonderful news! I am so glad you and your husband are having an open adoption, with face-to-face visits! It sounds like your little girl's new parents are wonderful people, as are you and your husband. God bless, and I hope the letter-writing goes smoothly this weekend. Just take your time, and imagine your daughter sitting in front of you while you tell her her lifestory.