[kdecrow]

Wow. I am chairperson of the Foster Care review board in the county in which I reside. Mostly we hear cases on troubled teens.
Today we had a case of foster to adopt parents of a 4 month old baby. Here's the part that stuns me most of all. No one on the board asked ONE QUESTION about the birth mother's position on the adoption and what her situation is. I pursued the line of questioning even though everyone else was disinterested. We were informed that the bmom had a one-night stand, is 23 years old, and is too ashamed to tell her parents. No one knew of this pregnancy. My heart is breaking for this young mother who apparently has no one to talk to.
I do have to say the adoptive parents love this child very much - this may very well be the best place for the child. They wanted an open adoption (kudos) however after 2 visitations and lots of tears the bMom asked that it be closed. Everyone on the board assumed she doesn't care for this baby. It never entered anyone's head that the bmom may be suffering severe grief over the loss of her child. This really chapped my hide. My fellow board members had no idea I'm a bmom from the "closed era" of adoption. They know now and were educated this afternoon. Thanks for letting me vent and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Kim

[belleinblue1978]

Having been that young woman who had no one and nothing, I applaud you for standing up for that woman. So many people just assume that we lack love because the grief causes us to shut down. My parents know now, and are somewhat supportive, but it's still hard sometimes. Open adoption isn't always easy and joyous, it hurts to watch someone else bring up that little person you love so much.

Bless you for looking out her for her. Happy Thanksgiving!

[Longtimewaiting]

Thank you...we the bmothers are the forgotten. I was sinking in sorrow for many years, no one said anything to me about my daughter--except for my husband when we divorced, and then he tried to say that I was an unfit parent and went for full custody of our 2 children. My mother made a comment of "I'm sorry, we should not have forced the adoption on you, maybe you would have been a happier person". Her comment was made right before she passed away 7 years ago. Except for this site and another, I dont discuss my daughter with anyone. All bmothers have pain, whether we show it or not. Some just hide it better than others.

I would have chosen an open adoption if it were available in the mid 70's, at least I would know where my daughter is. Im thrilled that todays bmothers are not as ignorant as I was back then. If I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have allowed my parents and CHS to force me into the adoption. Now that Im divorced, both parents have passed away, and I'm working hard at discovering who I really am, I'm hoping to have the finances next year to start a serious search with CHS. I'm praying that my daughter will want sometype of healthy, positive relationship with me. If she tells me no thank you she's not interested, I will be devastated.

[kdecrow]

Thank you for understanding and I wish you both the best and here's hoping that you will get to know your lost children. Sadly, I found mine in March and he had recently deceased. I hope one day to get to know my granddaughter who at this time doesn't know I exist.

Kim

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kdecrow

Thank you for understanding and I wish you both the best and here's hoping that you will get to know your lost children. Sadly, I found mine in March and he had recently deceased. I hope one day to get to know my granddaughter who at this time doesn't know I exist.

Kim

No wonder you have such compassion and depth of feeling for the young bmother who was so ignored when she turned down an open adoption during the foster care review. How are you doing Kim? How are you coping with your grief, your loss. How are you doing? Its great to see such warm compassion, but I have a feeling, it takes one who's suffered loss to know one.... would you like a few hugs for what you are going through? How are moves to get to know your granddaughter?

Warm love (((Kim)))))
janny

[kdecrow]

Hi Jannyroo---
such a sweet note! I'm doing much better. Have met my son's godparents and they have been willing to share such sweet stories about his childhood. Not any closer to meeting my granddaughter yet, but I think when the time is right God will open that door. He's been helping me so much lately.

Happy Thanksgiving and love to you and yours!

Kim

[Longtimewaiting]

I really am so very sorry to hear about your son....when we the bmothers start our search, we never really expect that our child has passed. Im thrilled for you that you have met his Godparents and they are willing to talk to you.

You may not have been able to help the Bmom that you described, but maybe you will be able to help the future bmoms. Since the board now understands where you are coming from, maybe there can be some changes in the questions that are asked, or maybe counseling can be offered before the adoption is finalized. When we agree to allow our child to be adopted, I know that we really dont understand the full impact of our "emotional" decision. Five, ten, twenty years later, we are suffering over that ill informed decision that we made.