[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Janny the software is slow to day so I can not edit my post..(above)
But there it is you have sorted it..

Good for you!

Jackie

Thanks Jackie,
phew, I'm welling up with tears and sheer frustration. But I'm there. I know deep in my heart this is the right thing to do. I also know he will hate me and there could be two very different outcomes - repair or despair, but at least I will have known that I did the very very best I could.

Wow, this reunion has been tough. I hope for better things. I have a faith that has helped me throughout, I just couldn't have gotten this far without it.

Thanks, to everyone, for all the support. Here come the sobs and the tears. Thanks guys. I'm bawling my eyes out now.

((hugs))) Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lilraskels

Jannyroo-
I am so sorry you are having to endure this. I know this is any mothers night mare. Do you think that his aparents have any clue to his using? I think that out of love it could be that yall could ban together and help him tackle his abuse. He seems like he could be in self distruct mode. I would do what it took not matter if I was an a or b mother. It is the love for the child that causes us to react. If you don't he could die if you do he could 'hate' you and have life. More than likely he will see through that 'hate' once he is sober and got the help he needs. Then when he looks back he will be able to thankful for the interference. I sure hope this helps. Keep you head high. Prayer changes things. Keep us informed.

Thanks Lilraskels,
good thoughts and I have acted on them and all the good advice that has been flying around. I HAVE contacted his amom and NO she didn't know. We had a great conversation, I was so worried as to how she would react to my phoning her or even if I would find her in, but she was great and appreciated the phone call and said she would call me in the next 48 hours after discussing it with her husband.

We are going to provide a united front to help T tackle his problems. We have to be more than strong because he has a formidable personality. I told his mom that he is very much like his grandfather and a bit about my own background and that emotionally I have never been strong because of the destructive family I had been raised from. Surviving such a family meant keeping hundreds of miles between me and them and its been a lonely journey, but eased by my congregation and my faith that have been fantastic in their support in this reunion.

Thanks again LilRaskel,
Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Jannyroo, I am so sorry, I'm out of town and have limited access. I'll PM you when I get home tomorrow night. Hang in there. Not sure what do to as, thankfully, I dont' have any experience with this, but I've never been a tough love kind of gal but sometimes. Talk to you soon. love kate

Hi Kate,
thanks dear friend. I am spent. I have put on my journal how the end result turned out, the email I last sent T and it will be a while before I get to hear from him again. It will either be repair or despair but I'm geared up for whatever result we will or won't get. At the end of the day SOMETHING had to be done. I couldn't carry on and leave him to get some motivation.

It does feel great to know that both us mothers are united in attempting to make him face himself. Phew. Look forward to hearing from you and thanks to EVERYONE that has responded. Oh guys, you are just soooooooo great. Tears and tears and tears, and now just.... frazzled.... followed by more tears. I think the next few days are gonna be - tough.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Janny, lots of love and hugs heading your way!

Thanks K, reallly appreciate it, especially the hugs, thanks again, Janny

[lilraskels]

Jannyroo-
Many hugs to you!! I am so glad that the talk went well with the other mother. I hate the heart ache you are having to endure. In enduring such obsticales it makes one stronger and who we are. I wish you and the a mom much luck in the is adventure. You have seeked out the right help and with that you can make it. You seem like a very strong person and sometimes I know that is our front on the outside but helps to survive. Well I hope you enjoy your holidays. I know it is hard to think but right now you have done all you can. Once our children are adults we are a little limited on what can be done.
Take care

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by quantum

Janny, This is just horrific!

I guess just one thing that first came to mind is remember that there are choices one makes in life and these are choices he's making.

I guess I am just really hoping that you aren't putting any of this on your shoulders!

Hang in there, get support. This seems overwhelming to deal with.*hugs*

thanks quantum,
'horrific' does spring to mind. I can't believe, now thinking about it, all that I've been through since April 2006. The message about it being HIS choices has not gone unnoticed and I'm not prepared to accept it and put it on my shoulders any more. I have tried and tried... and realised, can't do it, shouldn't do it. It has to come from him. Like his amom said, its a cry for help. We HAVE to stand firm on this one, it could literally mean life or death.

I got support this morning from friends who had drug dealings before they became christians and an elder who gave me sound advice too. It meant I phoned T's mom and it went better than I could ever hope for.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the minute, but at the same time, I'm also feeling a kind of peace. I so appreciate these forums, as it has been one long day since 12am last night to now.

Take care and thanks
Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kdecrow

Good morning Jannyroo....

I think that the suggestion of you contacting his aparents and presenting a united front is an excellent one. Good luck to you,

Kim

Hi Kim,
yes it is and I have been in touch with his amom and it went extremely well. Thanks, just going to take a break from the forums for a while, as I'm exhausted. It really takes a lot out of you, trying to deal with this in the best way.

Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lilraskels

Jannyroo-
Many hugs to you!! I am so glad that the talk went well with the other mother. I hate the heart ache you are having to endure. In enduring such obsticales it makes one stronger and who we are. I wish you and the a mom much luck in the is adventure. You have seeked out the right help and with that you can make it. You seem like a very strong person and sometimes I know that is our front on the outside but helps to survive. Well I hope you enjoy your holidays. I know it is hard to think but right now you have done all you can. Once our children are adults we are a little limited on what can be done.
Take care

Thanks Lilraskels, I must admit to feeling 'strong' and 'empowered' rather than cringing weakly around him. Its still hard though and I'm still shaky and find myself bursting into tears throughout the day. But just knowing, that I did the right thing, I just KNOW, well I hope for better news. I keep going through my mind though how he is going to react, outwardly, I think he will be so angry, and swearing and how dare she and all that stuff, but inwardly, he should be feeling the utter strength that is reaching out to him and guiding him 'home' - home to his true self, the lovely lad that I know is inside him, buried under the pain. I really hope that I have something good to say in the future after all this utterly hard work. I now appreciate what a thankless task it is for moms out there, so if you're reading, ((((hugs))) - before reunion, I was single and free!!! LOL

[wilted rose]

Janny ((((((( BIG HUGS!!!!!))))))))))
So thankful for you, to have sooo many caring hearts here for support, what a blessing!!! Thinking of you!!!
Regards,
Rose

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by wilted rose

Janny ((((((( BIG HUGS!!!!!))))))))))
So thankful for you, to have sooo many caring hearts here for support, what a blessing!!! Thinking of you!!!
Regards, Rose

Yes, I was taken with that too Rose, blessings that touch the heart. My grateful thanks to everyone, it felt like a rock to hide under during the upheaval of it all. Thanks for the hugs too! s'great!!! s'nice...

[Rifilanna]

Janny,
I'm thinking of you, and your son. These things are so hard.

[Jannyroo]

Thanks Ravensong for all your support, you have been power to the elbow for a while now.. Janny

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Hi, Janny...

Are you sure we don't have the same son?

I somehow knew that you were going to find out soon about your son's continued substance abuse. The first day I signed up as a member here on Adoption.com and read your thread on your son's "pullback", I said to myself, "That's not adoptee pullback, that's addict behavior."

That was quite some insight there Raven.

Originally Posted by RavenSong

And I think that is why I've been trying to steer you away from Nancy Verrier's books for the moment. Although I'm sure your son does have some pretty deep adoption-related "issues", that is NOT what is going on here. I don't think Verrier can help you deal with your son's substance abuse. Before your son can even begin to work on his reunion issues, he needs to get clean and sober. It will only be then that you can even begin to assess what damage is adoption-related and what is drug-related.

spot on. A few now have been pointing out that the faith in Verrier could be overtaking me. I am backing off, of sorts. I have taken all this that you said above into account when I decided where to go with this. I felt the first step was to speak to his amom, it went well. I felt that I was infusing strength into her to carry this out. That woman has raised him 29 years - she deserves better than this. She is so worn out with it all, so frayed around the edges. She has a formidable character on her hands... my son, and I'm his mother and I know how tough she is going to have to be with him. If I was there, I would kick butt. There is NO way I would let him get away with what he's managed to to date. I feel sorry for amom's there is so much love, but at the same time, I know the precarious situation I would find myself in, disciplining say step kids, when they say or give the vibes.. you're not my mom.....

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Drug addiction, and yes I'm calling it addiction, not drug abuse or recreational use, has a life of its own. The addict may begin using drugs as a method of self-medicating, maybe for some valid reasons in the very beginning. But when the drug gets a hold of them mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the original reason for using it evaporates. At that point, the addict is using because his body and/or mind demands it. And it is at this point, depending on what type of drug is being used, the addict's behavior becomes obnoxious, rageful, contemptuous, and, strangely enough, arrogant. These seem to be common behavior traits with both crack cocaine and crystal methamphetamine. (Heroin addiction, on the other hand, does not seem to have the same type of hard-core dangerous behavior changes, IMHO.)

I spoke to a couple of christians in my congregation that used to do drugs and they were very helpful in how to approach all of this, as was the elder I phoned later. They made me realise that this has to come from my son, and that I couldn't do a thing about it if he chose not to. What you, they said, helped me temper my response to T (son) and also how to go about things. Thanks Raven.

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I've seen crystal meth tear apart families like you wouldn't believe. And it has absolutely nothing to do with adoption.

I heard the despair in his mothers voice, I felt an enormous surge of compassion for her and I'm sure she felt my support. She took my mobile phone number and promised to get back to me. It was strange, but I instantly felt we were united. It was a great place to be, I'm so glad she wrote back to me, when I first approached her with letter back in January, as what she said about him proved to be true. I told her that.

Originally Posted by RavenSong

....She already had her B.A., M.A., and M.S.W. ....her life went down the toilet. The last time I ran into her, she was "cooking" crystal meth in a home-made laboratory. Most of her teeth were gone, her skin looked terrible, and her eyes looked dead. And I wished I could drag her with me to every high-school class in the city, just so the kids could really see what these drugs are about.

Its heart rendering. Hearing my son talking when he's on stuff, well, its just not him. I have to cling to the times when I actually heard 'him', the little boy wanting his mommy. I have had to say, albeit inadvertently, mommy is here, but she is gonna get you sorted, you may not like it hun, but she loves you enough to get firm so that you will go where you need to go'. I just can't believe the depth of love I have that is surging out of my bones, both for him and his family that he has been raised by.

Originally Posted by RavenSong

But this is a subject I become very passionate about, mostly due to the fact that I came very, very close to losing my son forever. Back in those early reunion years, I had to face the fact that I could very well be going to his funeral. It was not only like watching a train wreck about to happen, but it felt like I was standing on the train tracks alongside of him.

My goodness Raven, that is very sobering. I feel what you are saying in a way I would never have felt before, with what is happening. Thanks for all your support and that yet to come. I've hung on for a while, and then realised I hadn't acknowledged what you have already written... sorry, forgive me, my head has been in turbulence. Thanks and thanks again. Janny

[lilraskels]

Jannyroo~
I want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! I know you are going through alot right now. I can't stop thinking about you and how your heart is breaking. Just remember to give thanks for being able to be there to allow the support to him. This could be the begening of a friendship for you and the a mom too. so you can learn more about your son and his growing up. It is so hard to find the good when you are in a situation such as this one. We have life and we have our self and that in its self is something to be worthy of. Many hugs to you. And I hope you can find the peace to relax and breathe and give thanks for what you have.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lilraskels

Jannyroo~
I want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! I know you are going through alot right now. I can't stop thinking about you and how your heart is breaking. Just remember to give thanks for being able to be there to allow the support to him. This could be the begening of a friendship for you and the a mom too. so you can learn more about your son and his growing up. It is so hard to find the good when you are in a situation such as this one. We have life and we have our self and that in its self is something to be worthy of. Many hugs to you. And I hope you can find the peace to relax and breathe and give thanks for what you have.

Hi Lilraskels

I don't know if I've shut down, but my heart isnt breaking right at this minute. Perhaps firefighters or police go through similar feelings, but I feel as if I've arrived at a crash scene, everyone else is floundering and I'm the only one to go in and say 'right, this is what we do'. Pack the crash victim off and get them sorted. (I have literally done this before with an asthma victim having an attack by the side of the road and other instances). I don't feel anything at the minute, other than relief that I've actually done something, taken control of the situation and made suggestions to others who just stand there and stare, or taken other needed action.

I don't honestly think I'm going to react until I hear whether his aparents are going to get firm and do their stuff. IMHO they will be well and truly stuffed and stuck with this child if they dont - (SEE, even now, I'm looking in from a distance, 'with this child' oh this is so weird).

Again, its strange because I don't really feel as if I've gone through a lot, but I have. Its like coming out of the sea after treading water for 24 hours, wondering what you're going to bump into, what unexpected something is gonna come up... (seen those films .. scary!) and you're so relieved that your feet are on land, that you don't really let yourself go back to where you've just been. Maybe its trauma victim mode, I don't know, but I'm feeling calm, slightly on edge, concerned, as I don't know which way my son is going to turn.... what decisions he is going to make or how his aparents are going to deal with him, be firm but level, or lay into him, with an angry "you've brought shame to the family" which he's commented on before. That approach is not likely to get good results, but they are his parents and I have to respect that.

As regards the amom, yeh, thanks, I'm really pleased with our uniting together like that, long may it last. I hadn't hoped for any communication for some years yet, but the fate of our son lies in the balance and I really got to feel that she appreciated my phone call (took a risk doing it, but it was rewarded).

Originally Posted by lilraskels

so you can learn more about your son and his growing up.

yeh, thats a really nice thought lilraskels, one to cherish, I hadn't thought of that thankyou!!

Thanks for the greeting, but I dont really know what happy thanksgiving means, but thanks anyway! I'm in the UK so, not too familiar with your customs over there (apologies).

Originally Posted by lilraskels

Many hugs to you. And I hope you can find the peace to relax and breathe and give thanks for what you have.

Thats a good thought to retire for the night Lilraskels, it has been peaceful today, and I have made time to relax, breathe get some calm and bathe in it and all those good things. I have many blessings, I count them as much as I can, most days. At the minute, the calm after being hit by a tornado, is most welcome. Take care! Thanks for the kind thoughts, Janny