[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Hi, Jannyroo!

As I read our posts on the subject of our fathers, it struck me how similar the pullback issues are between adoptees and birthparents when compared to the children of divorce and the formerly absent parent. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think there are similarities here?

I absolutely detest the long-term effects of divorce on children. Both my parents remarried subsequent spouses, my father several times, in fact. I felt displaced, at least emotionally. It was hard dealing with half-brothers and half-sisters ~ I never knew how long they'd be around before another divorce happened, before their mothers would take them away. I loved my younger half-siblings with a certain ferocity, and when they left, my heart broke.

My dad married for the last time a couple years after I surrendered my baby, so by then I was a young adult. And it was this stepmother I had the most problems with. I was not allowed to speak of my own childhood in her household. She would get so upset when reminded that my father had any history before she came along! And if my dad and I reminisced about memories from my childhood, my stepmother would throw a big fit. That felt so strange ~ it felt like my entire existence was being invalidated. Sometimes I wonder if this feeling of invalidation is similar to what some adoptees go thru.

I totally understand how in other threads you've stated you see a lot of yourself in Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self. I think her books resonate with my own emotional damage. I do believe a lot of the same emotional processes described in her books apply to the children of divorce and/or dysfunctional families. What do you think on this subject?

Hi Raven and Janny I happened to flip to the back cover of 'The Primal Wound', and thought perhaps this may be relevant to your discussion...

"The Primal Wound is a book which will revolutionize the way we think about adoption. In it's application of information about pre-and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of seperation from the birthmother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior. The insight which Ms. Verrier brings to the experiences of abandonement and loss will contribute not only to the healing of adoptees, their adoptive families, and birthmothers, but will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned".

As I read the pages of "the Primal Wound" it occured to me how many of us who have felt abandoned or loss throughout childhood perhaps through divorce, alcoholism, death of a parent, etc. could find validation and acknowledgement for our feelings and experiences. Great point, Raven...
Rose