[portlowski]

I am an amom to a precious 9 month old boy I'll call C. We are in an open adoption with his first family. My issue is that I seem to feel incredible guilt about the idea of setting ANY limits on our relationship. We currently see the bfamily (first mom and dad, plus grandparents) about once or twice a month. (15 visits in 9 months) I like seeing them but I also find it somewhat stressful. Fir instance, I know C's firstmom is grieving her loss, and to an extent her decision to relinquish. I want her to be able to be open with me, but on the other hand, her pain is so painful for me that sometimes it makes me wonder if we did the right thing...NOT the thing I need in order to devote all of my heart and soul to C. I need to be secure in my role as his mom. No, I do not feel "threatened" by C's firstmom, but I find myslef thinking and worrying about her a lot. She invites us to many events, and we have said yes to most of them, yet I feel guilty when I have to say no. My dh mentioned that firstmom and her mom have seen C more than our own parents have,a nd he thinks this could be a problem for the future as C will need to feel secure in our family, ands that he is a full and complete part of our family. DH worries that too much contact with the first family will create a sense that C doesn't "belong" with us.

Don't get me wriong...we will never close our adoption. But I am beginning to feel that less frequent visits (maybe once every 6 to 8 weeks) would be better for me and my son at this point. It is very important to me that we include C's first family our life and I want him to grow up knowing that we always showed them love and respect.

I think I might be empathizing with the struggle of the firstmother to such a point that I am paralyzing myself. I have foudn myslef crying when C does something amazing (which is every day) and I think that his firstmom didn't get to see it. But this can't be healthy for me or for him!!

The othe issue DH and I have been discussing is the type of language firstmom uses around C at this time., She always refers to first dad as "Daddy" and will often say things like, "that's my boy" This of course is true...she gave birth to him! But once again, we are not sure what is appropriate for C as he gets older.

I finally made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in aodption issue so that dh and I can at least get on the same page, but I am very interested in the perspective of firstmoms. If you are in an open adoption, have you ever dealt with the issues from another point of view in the triad?

The bottom line is that I wan to do what is best for C. I have never loved anyone so completely beofre. And yet, in the power of that love I am able to realize if I were to be sperated from him I would be devastated. And I assume that is how his firstmom feels. So I am...a wreck sometimes! Not day to day, but when these issues come up.

For instance, we have been invited to another event by firstmom and we don't really want to go. We are just so busy, and we saw them 3 weeks ago. Yet, I feel guilty refusing any invitation.

My goodness, I just read my own post and I sound completely unbalanced! I am normally a very happy and well-adjusted person. This issue has taken me by surprise and I want to get a handle on myself so I can be the best mom for my baby.

Thanks in advance for your replies.

[belleinblue1978]

I see my son four times a year and talk on the phone with them about once a month. I'm NOT his parents and I don't need to be visiting him more than his family. You really can set limits and turn her down for visits. Tell her you're busy and you need time with kiddo. Thank her for inviting you to events but tell her you are having a family weekend or whatever.

As for language. I HATE having to be a first parent when everyone around (my family members) get to be plain grandma and grandpa and uncles. But I'm just B. She probably isn't really thinking about what she is saying when she calls first dad, daddy. I'm very careful about what how refer to myself and my ex around my son, BUT that doesn't mean that I don't still think of my ex as his just his father. So maybe that is what she is thinking and is calling him that without realizing what she is doing. Maybe you can sit down with them and come up with some special honorifics for the two of them so that won't be an issue? As for her calling him my son... well he is. And if you do things right he will realize that he has two mothers, one that loved him enough to give him a life she couldn't with you, and you who loves him so much that you wipe his tears and clean up his throw up.

Just a couple of thoughts.

[SilverWitch]

Just a suggestion. Tell biomom that it is time for everyone to settle down and be a family. That you want her and her family to be part of your son's life and that once every 5 weeks or so would be great. But that all the other stuff is overwhelming and confusing to C. Most of us, I am a birthmother, want our child to be healthy and happy and that includes stable in their family.

Then very gently, and in person (that is important), set her down and explain to her that you understand that in her heart and mind C is her boy. But that C is also your boy and it confuses him. Then, if it is ok, set up some kind of nicknames for her and her family, like for me, my grands call me the other kind of grandma! It does not hurt my feelings and it keeps their other grandparents from feeling hurt.

This is just a thought. Remember, children who know who they are, where they come from and have stable home lives are much healthier in the end than those that don't. You are a good person. Hang in there.

By the way - this statement is coming from a bmom that is wholly against adoption except in specific circumstances. - So, when I say it I mean it.

[lahdh4]

Talk to her. You are going to have to set up some boundaries. You may feel guilt but at some point, she may pick up on that and then forget about it. She may just go and try to take advantage of that.
She needs to respect who you are.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you're having trouble dealing with her own grief and thus feeling guilt, I would suggest talking to that counselor so you can sort through your NORMAL (believe me!) feelings. Having that third party, untouched by the situation, to bounce things off of can be immensely helpful. A therapist could also help you find the words to set those appropriate boundaries. I've been in therapy for almost two years now and D is going for her own issues (some adoption, some not) and it's actually interesting when we share things back and forth that we've learned. It's really helped us communicate better (not that we have big problems with communication but there's always room for improvement).

You should not feel guilt for setting boundaries. Imagine what will happen if you don't and it ends up leading to a complete break down between the lot of you. Then that guilt would be insurmountable!!

You can do this. You need to do this. *hugs* You're not unbalanced. It's normal to react to others' emotions, especially when it indirectly involves you and your family.

Best of luck!

[elizabethvioletz]

Wow. I'm honored to be able to even read your thoughts about this. I am a birthmother to two boys, both given up right after birth and to the same family. they live together and are a great happy family. I think it's very very important for you to understand that what this woman has done by giving you her child is the hardest thing anyone could ever do, with the exception of losing a child to death. And it is really your responsibility to take care of your child, and not to take care of her. I know this sounds harsh, but this is a VERY harsh thing. You have joy, love, a new baby, a future...she has pain, emptiness, a big black hole that is going to take her a lifetime to truly deal with. Please hear me out. All I'm saying is DONT LET YOURSELF BE GUIDED BY YOUR FEAR OF HURTING HER FEELINGS. You're a mom now. And I don't care how that kid got into your house, he's there now and you are entitled to live your impossible, demanding, stressful life however you want. It is very very gracious of you to have indulged that family to such an extent this far, but that birthmom has a LOT of pain still to go through, to fully LET GO and move on. Believe me, it hurts me every single day. It never goes away. But you need to be strong, don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. YOu have to do what you have to do for your family. If you limit their visits w/the baby, they will learn to deal with it. You DON'T owe her anything more than occasional contact, even if it's just a card or an email. I know this may sound harsh, but please, I would love to talk to you more if you are interested. my email is elizabethvioletz@yahoo.com. Be strong. Being a mom is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

[portlowski]

Your posts mean the world to me. I wish I had fully understood the depth of trauma that reliquishing a child causes for the firstmom before I had adopted. but I didn't, and now I do to the extent I am capable of, not having been through it myself. It has been very helpful to hear that regardless of this trauma, I must be there heart and soul for my baby.

Right now I am trying to understand why I am continually drawn to this board above all others, and seem more interested in the birthparnet experience than the adoptive parent experience.

I keep having a dream that there is a war going on and I can hear my little C calling my name through the darkness and the smoke and the bombs going off (which is funny since he can't talk yet!). I am running to him and can't find him and I am in a panic. I suppose this is my subconscious telling me that I can feel all the inner turmoil I want but the bottom line is he needs me!

I wish all of you all good things.

[SilverWitch]

Recently my cousin adopted two children. They are older and are biological brother and sister. Before it became a total done deal, she contacted me and we talked. I told her my feelings about adoption, I told her things I thought were important. Like making sure that the adoption was the right thing for the kids, not just her and her spouse. Not telling the kids things about their birthparents that she was not positive about. Never, ever, being negative about birthparents. Never introducing them as her adopted kids (she has two grown sons of her own birthing) And similar things along those lines.

Since she knew about my daughter from, well almost from birth, she wanted to make sure she was doing the right thing.

Now, the children are home with them and things are going well in the honeymoon stage - since they are not under 10 it will be a bumpy ride! Her daughter has asked her how come she knows that she wanted to be just "her daughter" - my cousin laughed when she told me that her response to her daughter was that she got told by an expert!

Sometimes it is better to get the reaction of those that are on the other side and take advice from those that know than to worry about it alone. I know that I came here to get feedback from adoptees and aparents. It is almost like going to your mom and asking the questions that all parents ask!

You sound like a great person, just remember that bmom is going to go through a process and that nothing will make that process easier for her. Don't feel guilty for that, it was her choice. You already respect her grief. Don't get angry about the stuff that is happening, be respectful, but stand your ground. And, from someone who knows, get counseling for yourself. It will help you deal with all of it.

Be well. Love your child and yourself.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by elizabethvioletz

And it is really your responsibility to take care of your child, and not to take care of her. I know this sounds harsh, but this is a VERY harsh thing.

but that birthmom has a LOT of pain still to go through, to fully LET GO and move on.

You DON'T owe her anything more than occasional contact, even if it's just a card or an email.

I agree with the post here that it is not your responsibility to heal her. She has a lot of grief work to do that you really cannot be a part of. However, grieving a chilld placed in an open adoption is not about "Letting Go" it is about re-integrating their role in the child's life. Going from mother to first/birth/original mother. I do not think it is for this poster to say what you "owe" her, but I do need to say that open adoption is about building relationships. For a relationship to be healthy all parties need to be comfortable in their roles. This takes time in an open adoption relationship, in part because one party is grieving a loss that the other person has gained.

I guess the bottom line is that part of your role here is setting healthy boundaries that you can work withI don't think the new parameters you proposed in your original post are unreasonable.

[Jackiejdajda]

All I'm saying is DONT LET YOURSELF BE GUIDED BY YOUR FEAR OF HURTING HER FEELINGS. You're a mom now. And I don't care how that kid got into your house, he's there now and you are entitled to live your impossible, demanding, stressful life however you want.

Wow Elizabeth.. good words.

Jackie

[krystabelle]

Just tell her what's on your heart...what you put here. Let her know your concerns for all involved and see if ya'll can't figure out how much involvement on both ends is reasonable and appropriate.
It was encouraging reading your post.

[portlowski]

Silverwitch, Brenda, Jackie, Krystal...thank a lot for your responses. I ahve made that appointment to see a counselor, so I am feeling good.

I have one quick question...the kind of question I often wrestle with...it is a small thing that gest me thinking about big things. Halloween is coming up and I have been looking online at costumes for C. I want to ask his firstmom for her input...which does she thinks is the cutest? I'd love to have her help decide. But I also realize that my husband and I have plans for that night with my extended family, so that even if C's firstmom helps pick out his costume, she won't be there in person to see him wear it. Which leaves me worrying again...what's the best thing to do? Include her to the extent that I can, or to just make these little decisions on my own so as not to cause a greater hurt?

Any thoughts?

[krystabelle]

Personally, if it was me, I'd be thrilled to help pick out my daughter's first halloween costume. It's one of those things I thought about throughout the pregnancy, what would her first one be? When she's old enough to decide what she wants to be what will she choose? If you want her to help pick one out, that's great. Let her know what's going on and ask if sending some pictures of your little man dressed up would be okay.

[browneyes0707]

Honestly?

Be honest I'm sure she'd love to offer an opinion, and pics in lieu of a visit ( since you do have plans) to me sounds fine.

Is there a way maybe you can visit with her a day or two before with the baby in costume? That would be special too

.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by portlowski

I am an amom to a precious 9 month old boy I'll call C. We are in an open adoption with his first family. My issue is that I seem to feel incredible guilt about the idea of setting ANY limits on our relationship. We currently see the bfamily (first mom and dad, plus grandparents) about once or twice a month. (15 visits in 9 months) I like seeing them but I also find it somewhat stressful. Fir instance, I know C's firstmom is grieving her loss, and to an extent her decision to relinquish. I want her to be able to be open with me, but on the other hand, her pain is so painful for me that sometimes it makes me wonder if we did the right thing...NOT the thing I need in order to devote all of my heart and soul to C. I need to be secure in my role as his mom. No, I do not feel "threatened" by C's firstmom, but I find myslef thinking and worrying about her a lot. She invites us to many events, and we have said yes to most of them, yet I feel guilty when I have to say no. My dh mentioned that firstmom and her mom have seen C more than our own parents have,a nd he thinks this could be a problem for the future as C will need to feel secure in our family, ands that he is a full and complete part of our family. DH worries that too much contact with the first family will create a sense that C doesn't "belong" with us.

Don't get me wriong...we will never close our adoption. But I am beginning to feel that less frequent visits (maybe once every 6 to 8 weeks) would be better for me and my son at this point. It is very important to me that we include C's first family our life and I want him to grow up knowing that we always showed them love and respect.

I think I might be empathizing with the struggle of the firstmother to such a point that I am paralyzing myself. I have foudn myslef crying when C does something amazing (which is every day) and I think that his firstmom didn't get to see it. But this can't be healthy for me or for him!!

The othe issue DH and I have been discussing is the type of language firstmom uses around C at this time., She always refers to first dad as "Daddy" and will often say things like, "that's my boy" This of course is true...she gave birth to him! But once again, we are not sure what is appropriate for C as he gets older.

I finally made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in aodption issue so that dh and I can at least get on the same page, but I am very interested in the perspective of firstmoms. If you are in an open adoption, have you ever dealt with the issues from another point of view in the triad?

The bottom line is that I wan to do what is best for C. I have never loved anyone so completely beofre. And yet, in the power of that love I am able to realize if I were to be sperated from him I would be devastated. And I assume that is how his firstmom feels. So I am...a wreck sometimes! Not day to day, but when these issues come up.

For instance, we have been invited to another event by firstmom and we don't really want to go. We are just so busy, and we saw them 3 weeks ago. Yet, I feel guilty refusing any invitation.

My goodness, I just read my own post and I sound completely unbalanced! I am normally a very happy and well-adjusted person. This issue has taken me by surprise and I want to get a handle on myself so I can be the best mom for my baby.

Thanks in advance for your replies.

I didn't need to read very far to know you must set limits.
You are a new mom, who got not only a new baby but an entire family.

I would allow the first mom a visit every 6 to 8 weeks as you said it would be ok with you. if you are comfortable with that, but the rest of the family needs to back off too. maybe every three months for them at a family event you are willing to attend.

I am glad to read you feel secure. But the frist mom's pain isn't going away quickly. She needs a little more space and time. The old saying, she needs to get on with her life comes to mind.

I am a birth mom, and would have loved an open adoption in 1964. But it doesn't take a genius to know that in order to live and create a life after giving up a baby requires you spend time doing it.

Going from visit to visit and living for that visit isn't going to help anyone. Eventually the first mom will need to make a life of her own and when that happens she will find herself seeing you less just in the natural course of life.

As for language, she will always think of the baby as her baby too. She will eventually think of you as the "mother" but she will continue to think of herself as "a" mother. The child is part of her and that doesn't change just becasue she signed a piece of paper.

I know full well that I am my bson's mother, I am just not the mother who raised him. I cannot change that no matter how much I wish it. I will never have that postion in his life no matter how much he loves me.

Do I wish he would call me "mom" yes I do. Will he? Not likely, but he calls me on the phone that is far more important. We are reunited and it was after 33 years. I would give anything to have those years back in an open adoption. In the long run, it would have made some things so much easier.

On the other side, don't let others tell you what you feel is right, less visits or more visits. Don't let anothers jealousy push you to end visits entirely. In the long run, knowing will be better for the child. Knowing who they came from, where they came from, you will never have to worry either, you will always know.