[wilted rose]

As a bmother, now years later: perhaps you're in reunion, seeking reunion, or not, would you still choose to relinquish? How have your life experiences affected your viewpoint then and now?
Regards,
Rose

[SchmennaLeigh]

No. I wouldn't. Many factors come into play concerning that feeling and they can't really be separated one from the other either.

That doesn't mean I don't respect her family or love them dearly. I do.

[sstuart]

No I would not. I would have looked into my options in much more depth and now I know that I could have parented, then I had everyone telling me I could not. I couldn't afford it. I couldn't have finished school etc. I could have if I had taken more time to look at my options and known the truth.

[browneyes0707]

I was thinking about this today in fact.....

Truth is I don't know. It's easy for me to look back as an adult and say I shouldn't have done something that as a teenager I was certain of. I obviously know things now that I didn't know then. I was strong enough to raise my daughter. Her birthfather would have eventually come around. My family would have embraced her. I could have finished school, and I could have had a good job.

But I'm pretty sure that at some point I would have married and divorced her father, and how would that have affected her? My family would have had to sacrifice to help me raise her, my mom was just getting back to work at that time after raising me and my siblings, and she probably would have had to delay that to help me. It had taken a long enough time to get her career back to where it needed to be as is. Would she have resented me for that? Would have I been able to at 18 find a good enough job to help subsidize my parents contributions? Sure, it was doable, but how much of a struggle would it have been?

I chose adoption because it was the option I felt MOST secure about, the least risky. I would never have placed her if I wasn't 110% confident that the family I was placing her with could have given her a more stable life than I could. At 17 when I made the decision, that was the truth. It's still the truth now. I had no way of knowing that for certain, so I did what I believe was best in my heart. And I still believe in my choice.

I do however, wish that I could have explored parenting a little better back then. If I had, most of those questions might have been answered, and had I known those answers, I might have made a different, or at least a more informed choice.

[Mil]

No, I would not. That's nothing against my son's adoptive parents - they're great. He was well brought up, loved and cherished. But I should have raised him myself.

I agree with what sstuart said.

I would have looked into my options in much more depth and now I know that I could have parented, then I had everyone telling me I could not.

I wish I would have listened to my heart rather than to other people. And everyone said to place him, move on with my life. No one told me that my heart would never be whole again. No one told me of the wondering and heartache that would take place over the years. I'm now in reunion with my son and my heart is finally mending. But if I could go back in time and do things over - NO, I would not do it again!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by wilted rose

As a bmother, now years later: perhaps you're in reunion, seeking reunion, or not, would you still choose to relinquish? How have your life experiences affected your viewpoint then and now?
Regards,
Rose

I was 15 when I got pregnant. He came just 16 days after my 16th birthday. I didn't want to give up my son, and I would never, ever do it again if I could go back in time.

Being forced to give up my child, changed everything about me. It made me fearful, no confidence. A feeling of never being good enough.

I missed him so much, that 6 months after his birth I was trying to get pregnant again. I needed him and was trying to take away the pain by having another baby.

I was married 9 days before his first birthday, barely nine months later my daughter was born, I was 17. I had another son at 19. I was separated at 20, and 6 months later moved in with another man. I was afraid that if I didn't have a man in my life my mother or someone would take my babies away from me.

I have been married to someone since I was 17, with no more then a year or two between the second and third marriage. We have been married 30 years. I am 59.

If I had been allowed to keep my son, I would have needed help, that is a given considering my age at the time. But I would have been better off.

I was able to raise a child, I proved that, I did it. But even I didn't realize it until I found my birthson 33 years later.

[quantum]

This is a really hard question for me.
I'm happy with who and where I am right now.
I'm happy with how my bson has turned out.
I ache for the years I didn't have him in my life.
I'm devastated that I'll never have the relationship with him that his adoptive mom and even his stepmom have with him.

Would I do it again? I don't know. The only thing I know is that life would have been different.

[cls2445]

Yes, I think I would do the same again, even though I have missed all those years with her. I would have been married to her bfather, and I know now that would not have worked out... I know I would not have had any family support...No, as painful as it was/is I don't think I would have done anything different. In another era/time and different circumstances, possibly I would have done things differently, but to go back to that time again (45 years ago)... and redo....no. I am content with my marriage/children and am happy DD and I are trying to establish a relationship. She was given all the things I could not give her. She is happy/healthy/and has been loved. Her aparents treasured her as I would have, but were able to provide for her. Which I was not able to do at age 16.

[MrsHoot]

Nope, no way, not a chance! If I had the chance to do it over again I would never "relinquish". Unlike most of you I do not respect her parents - they lied to both of us for years and have no respect for me at all, they are doing everything in their power to keep the two of us a part. Yes life would have been difficult, no I probably wouldn't have had any support from my family but I would never ever do it again...not in a million billion years!

[josh1788smom]

Not a chance. I would not have believed any of the crap people tried to force feed me. I would have not been bullied by those trying to get their way. I would not have relied on the passive/aggressive support of my parents. I would have told them all to ____ ____. You can fill in your own blanks. My children have been robbed of a brother; I have been robbed of a child. I would never let that happen twice.

[katlyn]

If I knew then what I know now, then no, I wouldn't relinquish. I know it would have been hard and my life would have been drastically changed forever, but in a much different and a not quite so heart ripping way. I would have been able to hold her and kiss her everyday and tell her how much I loved her and would protect her. However, if I went back not knowing as before then yes, I can honestly say my choice would have been the same. My mother was very supportive and would have done whatever she could to have helped me make it work. She was a single mom raising two daughters, that was a major factor in my choice. I saw how hard she struggled and the hurt in her eyes when she couldn't give us all that she wanted. No, it isn't that I didn't want to hurt like that, but it was that I didn't want my firstborn to have to see that in me. Hope that makes sense. Anyhow, that's a great question, really makes one think.

[BrandyHagz]

Yes, I would. Knowing then what I know now would mean nothing...considering what I know now would be *very* different, had I decided to parent.

I try not to get caught up in the coulda, woulda, shoulda's of it all.

There is really only one thing I'd change about it all...

[wilted rose]

Thankyou kindly to those bmothers who have been able to reply, I realize this is a sensitive subject. I would never presume to 'speak' for my bmother, However, knowing her for the years I did, some of the conversations we exchanged, if she was still alive I have pondered what some of her thoughts might be. I think at the time she signed her rights away as a parent, she did not see any alternative. She was uneducated, poor, and without support from family and community. To complicate things she fell into a downward spiral of addiction, added to that constant pressure from family services to terminate rights of seven of her children. I think she may also add, had she been able to foresee this was a temporary problem, with which she had the ability, (had she had proper support), to overcome, and parent, (as she proved over the years) the outcome could have been very different.
Rose

[Free_to_be_me]

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I would still relinquish. I am very happy with my open adoption. It really was the best possible solution for a very difficult situation. I made the right choice for my babe and I made the right choice for me. Of course, I had a lot of support, a great counselor, upfront and honest adoptive parents who have lived up to everything they promised. My baby's adoption worked the way I expected it to and the way I felt it should.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

I guess I'm lucky because I've always felt that my decision to relinquish was the right one. So my answer is yes, I would definitely make the decision for both of my birthsons and for the one that I am planning to place now. We have had some issues come up with our son's adoption (more with our oldest birthson) and even through all of that, it hasn't changed my feelings on placing him. I still believe with all my heart that that decision was made in both his and our best interest.

I've read a lot of posts on here from birthmothers with unresolved issues and feelings and I always feel so sad for them, and realize again how lucky I really am to have peace in my decision. Not once have I ever regretted it. I've always known that the boys will have wonderful lives and I've always been very comfortable with our situations.