[josh1788smom]

Janny - Society is totally full of crap. I think a single woman would have been applauded back then for her selflessness of being a single parent - IF- she had adopted. First, society would look at her like she was a slut because there was no man around, and then, as the story would come out, people would be like "oh - she is so wonderful. What a selfless person."

Sorry - way off original topic - but oh so true.

[Longtimewaiting]

I have thought about my first born child--a daughter, everyday for the past 32 years. I can honestly say that I would NEVER go through the adoption process again. I have missed her every day, I have cried every day, and I have such a feeling of deep deep sorrow. One of my friends asked me if I was bi-polar, and I chuckled and told her no. No one knows of my daughter, or let me rephrase that, I have told not told anyone of her. (My ex-husband in the divorce told everyone that would listen about her, he wanted me declared any unfit parent) I know that my main problem is not having my daughter with me. My parents never discussed my daughter with me, but before my mother passed away she did tell me that she was sorry that she forced the adoption, that maybe I would have been happier if I had kept her.

Yes, I have had experiences that I may have, no I would have missed if I had to raise her. Maybe those experiences would have been delayed, or maybe my parents would have taken the plunge and helped me with her. I do know that I would never have made the poor choice that I did for a husband, but then I would never have had the children that I have now. My exhusband was a horrible abusive man, but my children are really great people.

Im 50 years old and still trying to figure out who I am.

[BoxerLady6]

Yes and No......
Yes I would still relinquish. Its something I am ok with.
But I would do things very differently. I went through a private adoption I found the family by searching on my own. No one told what questions to ask or what to look for and how to go about picking a family. I am very unahppy with some of the decsions they have chosen in raising her. I can 100% say I wish I had more help chosing a family. Maybe gone thru an agency. They are loving and don't abuse her in any way. I just don't approve of the values they are having her grow up with. I just hope that she is strong like me and can come out of it ok, with a level head.

[MommaKatja]

I've been debating this in my head for awhile and I go back and forth. What I do know is that regardless what choice I'd make if I had it all to do over again I'd make my decision INFORMED

[mommymu_]

Yes - I would place my son again - Tmorow after 18 years I get to meet him - I had an open adoption - When I found out I was pregnant - I told my parents I was going to relinquish for adoption - It was my idea and I regret it all the time - missed him every day - I had a daughter die also - and the pain of loosing two children in my life was horrible - but yes I personally would choose for my son to be raised in the home he was - and the parents divorced when he was 8 - but he was raised in a way financially and emotionally that I as a teen mother could never have accomplished - I knew I would be living on welfare and handing my son off to my parents when I could - I am honest about being able to admit this to myself and others and have shocked people by saying the truth. I would not have been a good mother at a young age - I would not have been financially able to care for a baby at 17. So it broke my heart day after day not to see him - - I would do it again.

[SuddenlySusan]

... and there are many ways to define that placement.

Many from the closed era, including myself, have used the term "surrender" rather than place. It infers yielding to a greater force, and for me that "force" was society. Society is not just a nebulous term, or an image without a face -- it is us. It is our families, our neighbors, our friends, and strangers on the street. It's the teachers, classmates, coaches and scout leaders. Society shaped us and judged us, as well as our children. We are all influenced by our socialization.

Has our society changed since the 60s and 70s? Yes and no. Society is still "us" but we as a people have become somewhat more tolerant of those who operate out of the "norm." Remember the denouncement of "Murphy Brown" by V-P Dan Quayle? Recognizing, of course, that Murphy Brown was a TV show character, the issue at the time was that she was *single* and *chose* to be a single mother. The issue wasn't whether she could *provide* for her child, the issue was her being a single mother.

Which brings up one of the main issues I see regarding reasons to place a child -- that the original mother felt that she could not "provide" for her child. This reads somewhat like a Dickens novel -- "I will place my child with another family who can give him/her all the *things* they need." If that's the case, the majority of children worldwide would be placed for adoption, because the majority of children live in poverty.

I was engaged at age 18 right after high school, got pregnant, and was abandoned. I surrendered my son. I got married a couple years later, had another child and when I was pregnant with our second child my husband walked out. What I came to realize in the ensuing years was that while my children and I barely lived above the poverty line, and sometimes below it, we got by. We had very little, but we had each other. I worked my butt off to provide food and shelter, but that was about all we had.

So, should I have placed my children from my marriage for adoption so that they would have "all the things" that I could not give them? Should I have placed them so that I could "finish my education" and get a good job? When I would tell my children that I was offered overtime hours at my job, and that if I worked overtime we could have more "things" (like, new shoes), my children always said, "Mom, we don't need those things, we need you...don't do it...we don't want those things, we want you."

Even in poverty, my children had what they truly needed: food, shelter, safety, and LOVE. So, it makes me sad to think that some loving parents place their children so that they can have "things" or "a better life." What heartache, because none of that is guaranteed, and none of that is actually "needed" by children.

I surrendered my son because I couldn't bear the stigma that was attached to "illegitimate" children. I did not want him to suffer the maltreatment and name-calling from those around him, and did not feel that I could protect him from that. The children I raised did not suffer from that same stigma -- they were "legal." Poor, but legal.

Today, many women choose to be single mothers. My daughter, at age 28, became a single mother. She has the support of her entire family, and does not suffer the judgment of society. I mean, who even uses *those* terms anymore (i.e., illegitimate or b*****d).

Would I relinquish again? No...not in today's world. But, I didn't give birth in today's world, I gave birth in yesterday's world.

My first son, after we reunited, said that I made the right decision. He said that if things had been different, he wouldn't have his beautiful family (wife and three children). I wouldn't have had the two children I raised, either. It's the "butterfly effect." You cannot go back in time and change one thing without other things being affected.

My son and I found each other, and now we are integrating our families, creating one very large "expanded" family -- a bigger, better version, one that feels more complete. I think we would not have this experience without having endured our previous experience. We are happy to be together again, and look forward to the continuing expansion of our family.

All that being said, would I relinquish in today's world? No, absolutely not. Not even if I knew we would live in poverty. At least we would be together.

Peace,
Susan

[Mrs_Tammy94]

No, I wouldn't of relinquished! I would of looked into more options. I didn't know of some of them till after. Everyone was against me for keeping him. It wouldn't of been easy but it would of been better for the two of us.

But, it didn't happen that way....this is my life journey and I am trying to use it somehow to work for something...

Lots of hopes and prayers 24/7!

[Oceans]

No I would not (closed era)... I am happy with my life and I have the benefit of 20/20 but I can honestly say - I would not.

If I were 17, today and in my same shoes, I might consider a well researched, well matched OA, But closed... never.

[Rose Ekerholm]

No...absolutely...positively, NOT! I, too, was deceived by the aparents and their lawyer. I didn't have anyone on my side at all for counseling. Everyone involved pushed me into "relinquishing" my daughter (I think of it as being legally kidnapped). I was also blackmailed by the man I was with (not her bfather) to force me to do it.

I have found out since I found her in 2005, that her life was/is anything but happy.

I'm extremely happy for those of you that have had "successful" adoptions, and are happy with your choice, but for me and my daughter...we were both robbed. We have had a semi-good reunion, however.

[fairydust159]

Yes, If I had it to do over, I think I would still place my little boy for adoption. I took charge of my adoption plan and made sure I got everything I wanted surrounding the adoption.

I have a semi-open adoption... but the hardest thing now is wanting more. The aparents are wonderful people, but they aren't sending me pics and updates every month like we agreed (right now its going at about 2 months in between updates, and W is only 9 months old) and its REALLY hard not having the decisions in my hands anymore. I would love to have a face-2-face... and I know they wouldnt go for that. I dont regret my decision, but I wish I had chosen a more-open adooption.

[Mil]

I took charge of my adoption plan and made sure I got everything I wanted surrounding the adoption.

but they aren't sending me pics and updates every month like we agreed (right now its going at about 2 months in between updates, and W is only 9 months old) and its REALLY hard not having the decisions in my hands anymore. I would love to have a face-2-face... and I know they wouldnt go for that.

So how is that getting everything you wanted?

[Found at last]

If I was 19 years old and found myself pregnant now, no, I wouldn't place my daughter in adoption. Unfortunately, it was 1978, when I found myself pregnant with my daughter and no one told me that adoption was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[hunny0404]

No, never, not in a million years.

[cosmoe]

If I had to do it all over again, would I ? One hundred percent YES !!!!!! I truly think I made the right decision.
It's been 19 years, and not a day goes by, that I don't think of him. I wanted him to have a better life than I could have given him. I have gotten pics over the years, and when I see them, and see how happy he is...... I know it was the right thing to do.

[Mockingbird]

1970:
I thought that I was doing the best thing for both of us. Yes, my life was less complicated; but his was not. Because of his particular placement, he has had a lot of emotional and behavioral problems (that he is still dealing with) that I would not wish on anyone--much less my own child. He would have been better off with me. If I could go back, I surely would have tried everything possible instead of believing the lie that by being adopted he would have all the things that I couldn't provide--two parents who love him and a stable homelife with people who were financially well off and could give him all of the things I could not.
So, my answer is NO.