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#16
10-01-2007, 01:31 PM
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No definitly not. If I had been offered the resources that were legally availble to me I would have been able to support myself and my daughter. I couldn't know then what I know now, but at the time I felt I had no choices, no support, and no real hope of proving her a home. I was bullied out any real choice by my family, the hospital and the social work staff. But I love her aparents, they were there for her when no one else was.
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#17
10-01-2007, 01:34 PM
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my son changed my mind
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My son upon finding me changed my mind for me. The experience of giving my son for adoption impacted on me for the rest of my life - negatively. I was told to "get on" with my life and that it would be better because I wouldn't be "tied down". I have been angry all of my life and its only when my son found me last year that I realised just HOW much losing him has cost me - emotionally, physically, in purpose and lack of direction. It cost me dear. Over the years, I thought I was happy giving him up, because I genuinely thought he would be happy. I also felt I was making a childless couple happy. I bought the "lie" as everyone else did, that he would be better off, have a daddy, they could afford what a child needs, etc. That comforted me throughout the 28 years that followed. I thought my son was happy. I know I wasn't happy with life, but I held to the fact that he would be. There was always that hole in the heart that would never heal. I didn't recognise it, because I'd buried my emotions so deep. The devastation upon reunion to find that not only was my son not happy but anti-social, on drugs, problems with booze, ocd, and basically rebelling all over the place, made me change my mind. Also his family are very shocked at the way he has turned out and he is known as a drama queen, shocking all and sundry, rebelling against all that the family stands for. He has been raised by a wealthy, status and rank counts family. It doesn't count to my son. At all. He said to me "I hated growing up without you mum" and that penetrated me to my soul. Plus the fact that he'd been packed off to boarding school at the age of 8 onwards nearly sent me through the roof! I DID NOT give up my son to a childless couple for him to be sent to boarding school. Nor did I want him to be left there to suffer abuse whilst his amom was child minder to 14 children at a time whilst he was sleeping at boarding school. I HATED to hear this. This and many other things made me regret big time giving him up for adoption. Plus the fact that society at that time was very rigid about single unmarried mothers. I have felt bitter that unmarried mothers in this day and age are given homes and benefits to keep their children. I wish that could have been me. We have a very close bond now, but the defense mechanisms that accompany adoptees into adulthood have just about crippled him and his ability in relationships is severely hampered by his strong reactions, particularly anger - he is one angry young bunny. I hold him close to my heart now and try to soothe him that I'm here, but the difficulties remain and its a really tough relationship. I've wanted to quit endless times, but something keeps me going. this fantastic forum and also, stronger than that, I guess its the strong bond of what he affectionately calls DNA.
__________________
 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
Last edited by Jannyroo : 10-01-2007 at 01:38 PM.
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#18
10-01-2007, 03:14 PM
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No, I would not relinquish for many of the same reasons as Jannyroo. I was naive, immature and duped into believing that it was the right thing to do. In many ways, yes, he enjoyed the finer things in life, had great parents, a great education and is successful. My life on the other hand has been anything but and I am not going to get into the details but suffice it to say that adoption has negatively influenced every aspect of my life. The woulda, coulda shoulda though is difficult as I have 2 beautiful daughters that wouldn't be here but for my placing him for adoption so it is hard to say.
Last edited by keds : 10-01-2007 at 03:19 PM.
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#19
10-01-2007, 03:26 PM
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I am so glad that I can say yes. I never have regretted my decision, even now 18 years later. In fact I am so very proud of it! I remember that once I decided that they were the couple, from that point on I felt as if I was having this baby for them.
Neither my dbs nor I would be the person we are today without that courageous decision.
__________________
Homestudy approved and waiting to be matched with our little blessing~!
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#20
10-01-2007, 06:57 PM
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I was just wondering if those who wouldn't relinquish are from the "closed" era and those who would do it again are from the "open" era. Just a thought.
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#21
10-01-2007, 07:13 PM
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The fact that my daughters adoption was open has nothing to do with why I would do it over.
My daughters adoption being open has little to do with my life at the time of her birth. However, the open adoption has had an impact on how I feel about it all.
__________________
 Brandy Adopted Adult :: Mother :: First Mother :: Wife
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#22
10-01-2007, 07:16 PM
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It has been almost 17 years since I made the decision to place my bson for adoption. Would I do it again? No. But that is with the knowledge I have now, I think today has a huge impact on how I see yesterday KWIM? That goes for alot of situations in my own life. I went on to marry my bson's bfather, looking back now, with all of my knowledge, that was a bad idea. But at the time it was the decision I thought was best for me. Same goes for the adoption, At that time in my life it was right, 1 year later I realized what a mistake I had made. Hindsight is definitely 20/20 for me, but to change my decision would completely change the process of my life for the last 17 years so I am not sure that if I could change it that other areas of my life wouldn't be impacted in a negative way. For me, I believe that all things happen for a reason, I am still waiting to figure out the complete reason for the placement
__________________
Community Moderator Michelle "I have learned that people won't remember what you said to them, they won't remember what you did to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel"
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#23
10-01-2007, 07:17 PM
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Right now and mainly because of the way it is going -- Nope wouldn't.
Had I had therapy earlier in my life -- Nope wouldn't.
__________________
    Liable to Change http://lhjh4.wordpress.com/ "One day I will be faith filled I'll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home" Alannis -- Incomplete No day but today.... Rent I can't remember to forget you
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#24
10-01-2007, 08:53 PM
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Quote:
Even though my DD's adoption started open, it's pretty much been closed for the most part. (it's semi open now) I never really had regrets surrounding the adoption, and for all those years it was closed I would have said I would have done it again in a second. It's more recently that I've really started to explore the question whether or not I'd still relinquish, and that has really nothing to do with the adoption, her adoptive family, how DD is doing, how I am doing, open, closed etc. I think it's just a part of my processing things at this particular time.
__________________
"I don't know if I could go through it all again For what's the point if you are never free to say This is what I believe This is a part of me No hero, no regrets But only meant to be" -T'Pau 
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#25
10-02-2007, 02:56 AM
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Good thought. I was wondering that too. I still don't feel that I could have given him anything, (one needs a home, money to buy things, kids don't like being left out from what their peers are doing) but finding him in the state he is in has given me plenty of regrets. If it was an open adoption and I had the contact... who knows? but we weren't offered choices then and the agencies weren't so careful at placing with parents that may match better as they appear to be now. My son may have reacted just as badly to both, but perhaps knowing I was there in the "wings" so to speak may have soothed him. Hard to tell.
__________________
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
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#26
10-02-2007, 05:03 AM
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never
I would never ever ever ever make that decision again. And I would never ever make any of my three daughters relinquish a child.
After I relinquished my ist daughter I went on to do the so called " right thing".I got married, and have since had three more children. I have now been married for 22yrs...and to tell the honest truth is has been ----- hard work. Sometimes when I am out in the car with one of my children I imagine that it is just her and me. The first thought that comes to mind is " I could have done this." Infact it would have been easier than being married and raising three...my hubby is never here anyway. Don't get me wrong, I adore my subsequent children and wouldnt swap them for the world...but am cross with myself for listening to all the propoganda that was dished out to me back in 1979. I don't think I believed it then, I never felt I needed a man to validate me, but it scared me into signing away my rights as a mum, and her rights to have a biological family. Finding out about the dysfunction in her a family ( 10yrs into reunion) doesn't really help matters. Such hypocracy! Aghhhh! So no I wouldn't make the same decision again. Aren't we all so wise in hindsight!! Susie
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#27
10-02-2007, 05:15 AM
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I would do it again, because it really was the right thing for both of us. However I say this with the condition of the open adoption we've had. That is a huge part of what makes me feel it was right.
__________________
Brenda Romanchik Insight: Open Adoption Resources & Support
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#28
10-02-2007, 06:07 AM
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Susieloo - I am with you. Your post made me think of my favorite line people (especially my mom) liked to cram down my throat when I had my son - "no man will ever want someone else's child." Loved that one. So my question was always - Then what does an adad want with him????????
I gain little comfort from the fact my attorney (new not from that time) has told me - my son's adoption would never happen nowadays. The aparents and my parents would be charged with kidnapping. Isn't it funny - what was legal then is kidnapping now.
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#29
10-02-2007, 11:08 AM
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Yeh, I really can respond to that. Someone on these forums wrote (from memory) that single women back then were chastised for wanting to keep their children, now they are encouraged to adopt! Weird how society changes, a complete about turn.
__________________
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
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#30
10-02-2007, 11:29 AM
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Regarding the post a few posts ago, I would not have placed in a closed adoption. I wouldn't have been able to. So, for me, openness is absolutely what made it possible for me to be happy with my decision.
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