[SeaMom]

Hi all,

I am a birth mom whose child is approaching 18. I have a wonderful supportive husband and three beautiful children. My oldest is now 10, the youngest 5. I left a journal I kept during pregnancy with the daughter I gave up, indicating that I would welcome reunion when she was ready. As her 18th birthday approaches, I am becoming nervous. My question is how do I tell my children about her, if at all? My husband doesn't think they need to know, but if I had a sibling I didn't know about, I would want to know. I wouldn't begin discussions with my children until it actually became an issue, but I'm wondering how others have handled this. The fact that I gave her up is not common knowledge except to my immediate family. Reunion is welcome but would cause upheaval, to say the least. Can you tell I'm confused? There isn't a day goes by that I don't miss her, but I'm worried about the impact on the children I'm raising. Thanks for any advice!

[quantum]

I was also in a situation where only my immediate family knew of the adoption, but I've been extremely lucky in that I am now in reunion with my son and my girls were only 4 and 2 when this started (my son is 22). Anyway, they know they have a brother and I'm glad that they will grow up knowing about him.

I guess from what I've read here, the sooner you tell your kids the better. Some people get extremely upset about having the secret of an older sibling kept from them. But that's just the impression I've gotten! Hopefully others will be able to give you good advice.

In my case, as soon as I made contact I started talking about him, showing them pictures he'd sent and then I talked a lot more about it when we had a face to face. Now my older daughter draws him pictures. They are too young to answer questions, but of course I will answer whatever they want to know!I just tried to make it as normal as possible. 'We're going to visit your nana and grandpa, mamma's friend G and your brother A.'

Good luck and take care!

[Jackiejdajda]

It’s a journey to me..

I did not tell my kids till they were pre teen..

My daughter asked me if I had any other secret.. and my son seemed to take it okay..

But I was getting prepared.. My life.. my reunion.. my emotional chaos..
If you can’t talk about it in your home how in the heck do you sort the emotions you are going to sort?

My son helped me..My daughter helped me..
My daughter would bring her friends home from school.. friends that were connected with adoption.. a girl that was relinquished and wanted to find her birthmom right away.. a boyfriend that has still not looked.. I had long conversations with these wonderful kids..
Heck I can remember sitting in the kitchen with a group of kids discussing this.. them asking questions etc..

My son helped me.. when I was crying and grieving on the bson birthday.. (we had not met up yet)
He said.. “Mom he’s okay.. he has a family.. a life”. “You are not okay.”

I believe the secret keeping helps no one..

Jackie

[woundedannie]

My daughter who is 22 years old knew that she had a sister at the age of 12...I had read somewhere it was best to tell them pre-teen but age appropriate. My daughter felt threatened at first- she was 16 years old when her sister wanted to make contact but over time,
to my delight, she has become a beautifully intelligent sounding board, ( I wasn't confiding much to her thinking maybe this was a sensitive issue for her - she amazed 0me with her understanding and objectivity.) It has brought us closer.

[TexasPuppy]

I told my sons when they were about 7 and 11. My older son had come home from school and was kinda freaked out about a class mate. There was a birthday party that afternoon and the classmate could not go to the party with the rest of them because she had to go home and take care of her daughter. He could not understand how someone so young could have a child. I figured this was my cue, it was time to talk.

So we talked and I included his younger brother because they both needed to know. They asked how it happened. I treaded carefully here because it was not a perfect story and I didn't want to upset them. They asked where she was. How old she was. If they could meet her. I answered all their questions as best as I could. And then they went out to play like nothing had happened.

When I was contacted in April 07, I called both of my boys to let them know. They are happy for me and want to meet her if she would like to meet them. They think of her just like they think of their half brother (my husband was married before), they are family.

Tell your children. Before that knock on the door.

Good luck

[kakuehl]

I told my son when he was about 14. He promptly told his 12 year old sister. We talked about it a little and then the subject was pretty much dropped. D and I did not reconnect until he was almost 32. (Our first email exchange occured on the eve of our shared birthday in 05. We had our first f2f about 7 weeks later when he came to my home. My other 2 were here as well. Of course all my children are grown, but D was simply excepted as "big brother." In fact I would say that their relationships have grown faster than mine with D. (After all, you can have lots of siblings... what do you do with 2 mothers (lol). I tell D's wife I'm either her illeagl mother-in-law or her mother-out-law.

I have a parishonier who didn't tell her children until after her birthson contacted her. He daughter was angry that her mother had never told them.

[keds]

I promised my husband (bdad and his family) that I wouldn't tell our children unless he searched and found us and only after they reached 18. Thank goodness he did and our eldest daughter was 3 months from her 18th birthday. They were very upset as it explained a lot about our relationship and my emotions over the years!

[snuffie]

I spoke with a fellow classmate at a reunion recently who had placed a son when we were seniors. She didn't tell her kids and then her son found her when he was in his thirties. Her daughter was angry as she was very close to her mother and wondered why she never shared this secret with her. One of her sons was upset that he was no longer the "oldest" and the middle son was excited to have another brother. It's been a year now and they are all becoming a "family". My friend cried when she told me how happy she is that it is turning out so special.

[cls2445]

I waited until DD contacted me(she was 45) to tell my other children then, 38, 37,and 33, about her. If I had it to do all over they would have know my past history when they were old enough to understand.

[Dickons]

Adoptee's thoughts...tell them now or perhaps when you have a birds and bees talk... I do not remember not knowing I was adopted, in my mind the earlier the better.

I knew I had siblings but had no idea how close in age they were to me. I was afraid to be the searcher in case my mother had not told her husband / kids and my showing up would ruin too many lives.

My mother passed away before I met her and never told her kids. They were very upset to say the least and do not want contact which is sad as I think I would make a terrific sister.

I am building a relationship with my two aunts but I really want the chance to build a relationship with my siblings.

If you do not tell them at least write a letter just in case.

My two cents,
Dickons

[txrnr]

From another adoptee... I'd say tell them asap. I've not searched, and while I have many reasons/excuses why I haven't, the idea of disrupting someones life is a huge one. If I was sure that I wasn't still a secret, things may be different. (and how would that make the bchild feel...knowing they're still a secret) I think reunion may be enough drama, even if it is a welcome one. You don't need to have your other kids mad at you, or their newly found sibling.

I hope you aren't kicking yourself too much. It sounds like many bmothers were told to keep the secret. Since you care this much about the feelings of a child you haven't seen in years, I'm sure your kids will be equally sensitive, even if it takes them a minute to adjust.