[redbonec]

Hello, I am an adoptive parent, and I would really like the opinion of a birthparent.

When our daughter was placed with us, I began keeping a calendar of family events, baby milestones, and other things that our daughter was doing. I also placed picture of her on each month. The calendar lasted until her first birthday. I kept two calendars--one for us to keep, and the other to give to her birthmother after her first birthday. My original thought was to share some of her first year events with her.

Now that I am ready to send it, I am having second thoughts. Is it appropriate to send this to her? Will it make her sad, like she missed out? I do send monthly pictures over the email, and we talk often, and she is always asking how we are, and what K is doing. Is the journaled calendar too much or okay to send?

Thanks for any input,
Michelle

[BrandyHagz]

Ask her?

There really is no right or wrong answer - every person is different. This type of thing wouldn't have interested me (I'm not much for that kinda stuff...) but for others, I am sure it does...and then, there will be those who will just find it to hard.

The best course of action is to 'ask' - don't make an assumption either way...allow her to make the choice

[Jackiejdajda]

I would have loved to recieve the calender.

Jackie

[browneyes0707]

I agree with Brandy, since you communicate with her and have a good relationship, I'd ask her if you are uncertain.

But I'd have loved it. Especially now that she is older, to be able to look back on that stuff!

[taramayrn]

I agree if you aren't sure you should ask her. That said, if I had been given the same thing, I would have loved it.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by redbonec

Hello, I am an adoptive parent, and I would really like the opinion of a birthparent.

When our daughter was placed with us, I began keeping a calendar of family events, baby milestones, and other things that our daughter was doing. I also placed picture of her on each month. The calendar lasted until her first birthday. I kept two calendars--one for us to keep, and the other to give to her birthmother after her first birthday. My original thought was to share some of her first year events with her.

Now that I am ready to send it, I am having second thoughts. Is it appropriate to send this to her? Will it make her sad, like she missed out? I do send monthly pictures over the email, and we talk often, and she is always asking how we are, and what K is doing. Is the journaled calendar too much or okay to send?

Thanks for any input,
Michelle

It may make her sad, and it may make her cry,
But, it will be something to have and know about the child she gave up.

It is so much better, no matter how hard, it is better to know something, then nothing at all.

It is wonderful, please send it.

[billysmommy]

I actually did this for my son's first mom. Even though I shared the info with her as it was happening, she appreciated having it as a keepsake - and also a reference.

[SchmennaLeigh]

D made a scrapbook of Munchkin's first year. It's one of my most treasured objects.

[JennyOJenny]

definately ask her to find out if she wants it or not.

I know me personally I wouldnt want to get the calendar. It would make me too sad

[lahdh4]

Ask her and find out.

For me, personally, I would have loved to have something like this.

[maclainesmom]

I told the parents I chose for my daughter that anything they want to send is welcome. If I am not ready to see it, I will put it in the top of my closet until I am ready. I don't want to look back in 20 years and wish I had things like that, and have nothing.

[InBlindFaith]

I would ask her how she feels about it. If she says not right now then hold onto it for later.

[OhSerena]

I would have loved something like that. I agree with the other ladies though, just ask her. Since you have contact with her through email and whatnot, I wouldn't think the calendar would upset her any more than the pictures you send online to her. Also, if she plans on having any more children one day, it might be nice for her to be able to look at it, and kind of know what to expect.

[redbonec]

Thanks very much for your replies. I will ask her before I put it in the mail. She does have fun knowing what K is doing, and sometimes she mentions what her two children (at home with her now) did when they were K's age.
Thanks again--now I am excited to be asking her and hopefully sending it on!
Michelle

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by redbonec

Hello, I am an adoptive parent, and I would really like the opinion of a birthparent.

When our daughter was placed with us, I began keeping a calendar of family events, baby milestones, and other things that our daughter was doing. I also placed picture of her on each month. The calendar lasted until her first birthday. I kept two calendars--one for us to keep, and the other to give to her birthmother after her first birthday. My original thought was to share some of her first year events with her.

Now that I am ready to send it, I am having second thoughts. Is it appropriate to send this to her? Will it make her sad, like she missed out? I do send monthly pictures over the email, and we talk often, and she is always asking how we are, and what K is doing. Is the journaled calendar too much or okay to send?

Thanks for any input,
Michelle

Just another perspective
I think everyone here has pretty much said the same, but at the same time, if you ask her, she may say "yes" (and in her heart feel no, not ready) or she may say "no" and then think she's foiled any attempts for you to want to continue to do so.

I feel timing is crucial, as she adjusts to her situation and she may have other "stuff" going on in her life and this may be too emotional for her? I only say this because I have been in reunion with my son since last year. I asked for photos of him at the start and he sent me quite a few of him as a child growing up. Whilst I had asked for them, it was double edged sword, as it hurt me dreadfully to see them and it took me I would say 3 months to be able to come to terms with the fact someone else had raised my child. In fact, I still find that I get overcome with terrible sadness. When I thought I'd worked my way through my feelings, something happens, some trigger and I depth charge again. Its so hard to come to terms with, especially when I see mothers with their young sons and I think "I missed that". I never had any more children, so its pierces me and yet other times I'm fine with it? congratulating mothers with their newborns etc.

About 15 months later, I asked for photos of his adoptive family and he took ages to put them together and send them, but when they came, again, it was a double edged sword. It lanced my heart but at the same time I was pleased? (nonsensical but true). I was pleased to see at last a photo of his parents and he'd sent more pictures of him as a child but it sent me reeling for quite some considerable time. For me, I couldn't put a photo up on the wall or in a frame and in my lounge until a good 12 months into reunion. My son understood how painful it was for me to see those photos, because they reminded me of what I'd missed.

Even now, I am struggling to come to terms with the photos and most are in an album and tucked away in my wardrobe and when I feel "strong" I look at them. There are times now, even 18 months into reunion, where I feel like putting them all away, as the reunion bobs up and down. Sometimes I feel on top of things, other times I'm drowning in the emotions that don't make sense to me. They come from nowhere and sometimes I just can't explain them.

Anyway, I'm wittering on, but thats one perspective. I would tend to carry on collecting and put them to one side and wait until she asks for them, OR you could casually mention/ask if she thinks such a journal is a good idea for either now or later and if she responds, you'll know. However, I know how treacherous bmothers emotions are; they tell us one thing and we react another, in fact sometimes we have no idea how we are going to react until it happens. Just some thoughts to put your way.

p.s. I think what you are doing is lovely. I wish my sons mom had done that for me.!!