[Karen1977]

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your support and kind messages. I haven't been online in awhile because I have just been analyzing the situation, seeing counselors, and trying to figure out what to do. My decision was made easier when I found out 2 weeks ago that the father of this baby who I am not together with, but live with, is a Level 3 Registered Sex Offender. I am a liscenced social worker and have been unable to figure out why I have been unable to get a job, and it turns out I am failing my background checks because I live with him. I have made the decision that I am definitely placing this baby for adoption. I have already spoken to several attorneys and counselors, and basically, there is nothing I can do to block him from seeing the baby. His convictions are for sex crimes against children, and basically there is nothing I can do to protect this child from him if I chose to parent this child. I will not put a child in that position. I know this sounds horrible, but I am so disgusted knowing that I have a rapists baby in me. I feel dirty and disgusting and I just want it out of me so bad. I feel like the father is pure evil, and I am so afraid that this baby will get some of that from his father. I know how awful it sounds but I can't control the way I feel.
To make matters worse, he has been around my 3 year old son, and I will never know if he did anything to him. I feel like the worst mother in this world. If I was stupid enough to fall for a convicted rapist and get pregnant by him, I'm not sure I even deserve to be a mother. Obviously my judgement skills are very poor.
Needless to say I am overwhelmed by all of this and it is causing me unbelievable amounts of guilt and hurt.
Thank you all for all of your support and love

[quantum]

omg Karen....


(((((((Karen)))))))

Please don't blame yourself, there is no way you could have known. Who does a background check on someone they care about??? I was involved with a man some years ago who became more and more mentally abusive towards me. The tendancy was indeed to blame myself, but please remember, these people are really good at hiding their true character.

I feel for you. I really do.

I hope that you can find peace with your placement decision. Please remember your child is a complete innnocent. As far as my understanding goes, things like sexual predatory behavior is not something that is genetic, so cling to that and the decision that you're giving your child the best chance possible to avoid a dark fate.

I hope it's not out of place for me to say these things.
I just want you to feel like you've got support.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Karen1977

I found out 2 weeks ago that the father of this baby who I am not together with, but live with, is a Level 3 Registered Sex Offender.

I have already spoken to several attorneys and counselors, and basically, there is nothing I can do to block him from seeing the baby. His convictions are for sex crimes against children, and basically there is nothing I can do to protect this child from him if I chose to parent this child.

To make matters worse, he has been around my 3 year old son, and I will never know if he did anything to him.

I have to admit to being amazed that the law seemingly does not protect your yet to be born child from a registered sex offender. I am even more amazed that attorneys etc have said there is nothing that can be done to stop access. What kind of country is it that can allow such an offender near a child? Considering that there are huge incentives for both social workers and organisations to encourage adoption (bmothers are under huge pressure to relinquish, even more so in the states I believe - its big bucks) - are you sure you are being told the truth here? I find it ludicrous that you have been told by attorneys that he will have access. Are you sure that they don't have other invested interests? such as they know a mother who would love to adopt......

Is it possible, but it will take courage - can you move? As far away as you can. An unsupportive family, no help, my goodness, no wonder you feel trapped. Are there any refuge organisations in the state you live, another state? Can you google on the computer for one? I'm sure your rights as a mother have been overlooked and I'm not convinced that what you have been told is correct.

In the UK we have an organisation called Women's refuge. That is where women who have been beaten and/or psychologically scarred by their partners/ husbands can find refuge. No man is allowed in that building or near it and injunctions can be taken against any such man. Such organisations can help you with claiming welfare and financial assistance, clothes, suitable housing, that kind of thing. The woman is truly protected and helped through the emotional anguish the like of which you are struggling with. I find it hard to believe that an injunction cannot be issued for the same reason - your mental and emotional health is detrimental to you and to your unborn baby. How can the law not protect you in such jeopardy? Its not only your loss of your child if s/he is adopted but its your current 3 year olds brother/sister too. I feel it would be unbearable for you to part with your child when you have got this far, because financial security is raising its ugly head. I gave up my child because of such financial concerns. I too was cornered by this system and society's stigma and shame at the time. I wish I'd have been able to access organisations of which I now know of.

I am still not convinced that you have been given the correct information and I would honestly keep searching with regards to your legal rights to restrain this guy and keep him completely away from you and from your child, and if necessary move States. This just can't be right - you have a convicted paedophile and the law says he can access? No, that just can't be right. I am sure, as most mothers do in this country that if distance is put between you and him and he has to travel, he would HAVE to have access only with social workers present, then he may lose interest. Quite a few fathers do when presented with such obstacles. But the law should be putting that obstacle there for you so that you can be a mother to your child, unencumbered with such distress. Don't forget that in some states the law is different, so perhaps where you live, you need to move to gain more protection. Is the fathers name to be on the birth certificate? Would he go through the hassle of DNA testing? Sorry, I hope I'm not distressing you, but I get to feeling that you are crying out to keep this child and need as many reasons to do so as not.

I left the bfathers name off the birth certificate because he was making insincere noises at raising the child himself. His track record was hopeless, so I put that obstacle in front of him (70's) to see how sincere he was. It amounted to nothing. In the end, the system got me in a corner and social services were encouraging me/pressurising me to relinquish. They even re-housed me from a place to where I was coping to a place they must have known I wouldn't cope. Miles from anywhere and from my mother, a mile from the nearest bus stop. Yikes, I shudder when I think that there is so much help now, but so little then - or at least, I wasn't aware of it if it was. Like you, I had no help from family whatsoever.

As to the fact you have become pregnant by such a man, you berate yourself, but you have no idea how clever such people are in disguising their true selves. Bromanchik is so right in what she says below. What a loving reply to your post. I knew of such a man in the community and even when he was jailed, many could not believe that he'd done it. It was only when he admitted to an inmate that it came clear that his daughter was right all along. Many people even when he was jailed were still convinced he was innocent, but that was a shock when all found out that he was guilty. Deceit is not something that you should beat yourself up over, it is exactly that - deceit and you have a life inside you, that you are clearly bonding with - its your child and I would be very reticent in saying anything other than, have the child, take temporary measures to get you through this terrible time make a decision when your heart isn't being assaulted with so many questions as to how you will cope.

Even if the child is fostered I would have thought it would help until you get over the pregnancy and birth, and to help you get back on your feet again. Please don't rush into something as big as adoption. Adoption affects the child too you know, as s/he grows up without you. It may be something you regret for the rest of your life. Your agitated emotions to me show that you are not ready to part with this child. You say that your child would be better off without you, but that is you punishing yourself for "not seeing" what you felt you should have. No, its not a punishment from God, its a punishment from you, as you can't forgive yourself. I would encourage you to do so.

Please do consider what I have said. Every fibre of your body is saying you want to keep the child and at the moment you are panicking. That is to be expected, as you only found out - 2 weeks ago? what your partner was truly capable of. No, DNA does not hold characteristics so that someone is "born" with sexual deviancy. People are not born paedophiles, thieves, drug addicts, it is a lifestyle they choose or opt for later in life depending on what has happened in their lives.

My son's father in my eyes at the time was a jerk, but at the same time, since reunion last year (my son is now 29) it has been delightful upon reunion with my son to learn how so many characteristics we share. Plus children do grow up as themselves, a unique individual, so don't be harsh in your anticipation of what you think he "could become". When you hold this child when s/he is born you will see that this child is a unique individual with some traits, but will respond to your teaching and guidance in life.

Also, if you consider an open adoption, if what the attorneys' have told you to date is true in your area, would he not be able to get "rights" to access, so what would be the point of you going through all this? that is, if the law is stupid enough to allow it. If that happened he would be restricted to access perhaps once a year as I understand that bmom's are and in his case I would have thought under supervision at the very least.

Well this is a knee jerk reaction and some of my thoughts. I really feel for you and the trauma you are going through - you are going through **** and you are in a corner. Are you able to find somewhere peaceful, even for a little while. If you find that organisation in your part of the world that will protect you not only from him, but from your emotions that are wreaking havoc - you will get the help you need so very much. I really hope that in the end the decision is right for your family - you, your child and your unborn. Don't be pressurised by anyone or any situation. I wish you strength, love and (((hugs))))

[bromanchik]

Karen,
My heart goes out to you. I have known birthmoms who have placed for the very same reasons. I have something I can send you that may help you reframe how you feel about your child. It is a booklet called "To Bless Him Unaware." Right now the betrayal and revulsion you are feeling towards the father are spilling over on to your son. But please remember, your son is also a part of you. You may be questioning yourself right now, but you are bright and beautiful. Intellectually you must know how charming and charismatic those who violate others can be. They are masters at manipulation.

Also remember that the man you are with did not get that way because he was born that way. He was shaped by his experiences. Your son has yet to experience anything but what you are feeling. Focus on your son's innocence. He is blameless. Visualize him as the innocent as he is and not just the spawn of his father.

Please PM me if you want this booklet. I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this.

[Rondidondi]

I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. Your courage and strength will get you through. I've been thinking and wondering about you! Glad to hear from you again.
When I was pregnant with my PooWee I was soooo mad at him for being in me. I use to cry to him asking him why why me, how could he do this to me? (Of course I knew it wasn't his fault.) Yet, I never wanted him to come out, I wanted him with me always and never wanted to face handing him over to the prospective aparents. All my anger left the moment he was born and I saw this beautiful child.
Being pregnant is a hormonal hurricane and then add extra stress and you feel crazy. Know that you are not alone and many here want to help.
I would suggest that you try to get your 3 yr old into a councellor of some sort to see if this man touched him or anything.
My ex-husband exposed my then 5yr old, E to pornography. He had magazines and movies. VERY DETAILED porn. My major fear was my son was touched. Through councelling I was reassured he was not. HOWEVER, E did "act" out some of the porn he saw on the school bus going to preschool one morning. He told me he thought that was what he was suppose to do. - Of course, his daddy had shown him this. Poor, baby! My ex's acts did not only affect his son, but anothr child as well. We were going through court for 1 1/2 yrs with all this and he only got 2 yrs probation. Which ended this summer. Technically he can knock on my door and pick E up. Cold day in you know where, that I will let that happen. -He hasn't seen him for over 3 yrs. I will go to jail to protect E, truthfully, I already have things planned for my other boys incase this happened. To top the porn off he also told my son people were going to come and kill us at night while we would be sleeping. Yes, I had more major issues there.
Just know that, though we have a bit of a different story, I somewhat know how you are feeling. I often think bad of myself, how could I ever be involved with someone that would do something like that to a child. These men are mentally ill and can play nice guy very well to hide their "nastiness".
I send you love and hugs through this time. Hang in there. Take care of yourself, your unborn child and the son you are parenting. Get rid of this man, and move forward in a positive direction.
And please, let us all know how you are doing from time to time. Best of luck!

[lilraskels]

wow! This is how others get trapped! I can see why you think the way you do but you can not control who you fall in love with. Adoption is an awsome out if you do not want this child. Just protect the one you have and do it for you and your son! He needs you.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Did you just say "adoption is an awesome out?"

[taramayrn]

Ugh Jenna - *puking* - how did I not see that comment yesterday!?

[crick]

Let's just remember though that new members might not understand some of the views on the site or realize how their words sound to others.

Lilraskels - a lot of birth/firstmoms don't see adoption as an awesome out. It's a very hard and painful decision to make and not something very many will see as "awesome". I am sure you didn't mean to offend anyone, just pointing out something you might not have realized.

[princess35126]

I just wanted to say don't be so hard on yourself, there are alot of wolves in sheep's clothing as they say. Now you just need to think about what is best for you and your children. Please remember this baby is just as much a part of you as its father. Good luck with whatever you decide and take care. God bless.
Dustie

[BrandyHagz]

I'd just like to add, in addition to what Crick said, a lot of us first mom's here on the site don't see adoption as any (awesome or otherwise) kind of 'out'.

For those of us who made adoption plans and placed our children in open adoption - it's an emotional and life long commitment. Adoption, at least domestic infant adoption, is not about placing and walking away in a lot of cases...it's about watching your child call another woman mommy, it's about watching your child hit milestones from afar, it's about watching your child's parents make decisions you don't agree with (but can do nothing about).

It is heart wrenching and difficult for first parents. It is awesome and awe inspiring for adoptive parents. But it's an out for no one...not in modern domestic infant adoption anyway.

I know you're new...my post isn't intended to scathe - it's only intended to enlighten.

[amyfk]

Dear Karen,

Dont feel so bad on your part. Sounds to me like you didnt know your partner was a registered rapist. Usually we are good judges of character, but sometimes there are folks clever enough to deceive even the best of us.
I have never been pregnant, but I bet it's hard being pregnant knowing you are carrying a rapist's child.
I think youre doing the right thing by seeking help. I would continue to seek help as much as you need it and as long as you need it for the near future. You have to worry about your mental health and the mental health of the child you are rearing.
amy K, NJ

[lilraskels]

If you do not chose to keep the baby there is only two other options to abort it or to place the baby for adoption. In my reply I know that I would not have the mothering experience if it had not been for adoption, foster, and or course then giving birth. I love my children and I am thankful for their birth parents. I do not mean this in a bad way. I think that I was taking out of text. It is hard to write when you can not see the actions or entent of another person. I was simply trying to support this mother and the decision she had made in saying she is going to give the baby up. I know it will hurt she will remember the feelings forever it hurts and it hurts deep. She needs support for her decision. That is all I was trying to do. There are many reasons for adoption and every story is different. I got my baby when she was two days old in foster care. I still hurt at the thought of all the birth mother missed out on. I took pictures of first bath, first smile, first cry, first cute outfit and I shared this with birth mom so she could see too. I felt guilty about her not having this baby that I loved so much and I knew she did too after all she did carry ner nine months. My other two children were I got at 3 years and 7 years different story for the mom and dad. Dad still thrives in seeing pictures of his son mom consideres the kids 'dead'. This is away for her to deal I am sure. But I am just saying I did not mean to offend any one. I was trying to support the mother and her decision and part of that support was stating that adoption had given me life (yes I know at the same time it took life from the birth mother.) But I love my kids and I stand by the birth parents love to. I know not all mothers are like me and stand by thier word. Truth is the child would not be who they are if it was not for the birth parents.
I hope this has helped clarify my previous thread. Please don't take it wrong. See it with an open mind of all involved. I know it hurts it hurts me that my childrens birth paretns missed out on what I have had. I want to get a glimpse what birth mothers think about this and also allow them to see what it is like when you crave that birth parents to share the expericence of our children. Does that help??

[lilraskels]

I am sorry it was taking wrong. I didnot mean this in a negative manner. I was simply trying to support the mothers decision. I know there is much heartache in both sides.