[Sniffles]

I need ya'lls help as birthparents for my brother. When I was at my mom's yesterday I overheard my brother telling his daughter that "If my b-mom loved me enough then she would of kept me". Mind you, she was 16 when she went to the Home and 17 when she had him. It was a closed adoption in 1969. I don't think he quite understands what it was like for a single pregnant girl back then. I am asking if ya'll could share your stories here for me to pass them on to him. I hope that it can help him understand a little bit of what his b-mom was going through. If you do not want to share it on this thread then please pm me. Thank ya'll so much.

[missingmax]

Being adopted, I think there comes a point in your life where you wonder but just having gone through placing a child for adoption myself.....I know differently now. I love my son so much it hurts, and that is the only reason that I placed him for adoption, because of that deep love. That was the most difficult decision that I have ever made and forever will have to make. I live with the pain of giving my son up every day, and sometimes it is all that I can bare. I have not regreted my decision once since I walked out of that hospital for the simple fact that he is in a home with people that can provide all the love, and care that he needs. They are a really wonderful family, and my son fits in so perfectly with them. Please tell your brother that his mother thinks of him every day of her life, and loves him more than anything in the world. She did what she did for him, and only him.

[keds]

Hi there, while I can understand your brother's feelings I know that part of my guilt is based on the statements "love conquers all", "love is enough", etc. Unfortunately, this isn't the case outside of Hollywood. I regret every day that I missed of my son's life (27 years) but I know, and I think he does as well, that he grew up with both love and means. Also, when I was young "pregnant girls" and their "offspring" were treated unkindly, to say the least. IMO a number of children placed for adoption were out of the best interest of the child and not for lack of love on the part of the bmom.

All the best.

[TexasPuppy]

So. . . your brother thinks if his mom "loved him enough she would have kept him". Could you shake him by the shoulders while I scream!!!!

I am a birth mom from that closed era. I went to a "home for unwed mothers" where I lived for about two to three months with many others in the same situation as me. We had made the "mistake" of getting pregnant out of wedlock and that was just not acceptable.

I was lucky, my family was supportive. I was sent to the "home" because I would be alone during the day while everyone worked and my mom wanted to be sure that I was safe and had medical care close by. Also, I was relinquishing my child so I would be with others going through the same thing. What a bonding.

There were many girls at the "home" that were not so lucky. The were sent away so as not to shame their family or themselves. They were "traveling out of the country", "helping a sick or elderly aunt", and I believe that there were a couple that were just thrown out by their families and this was the only place they had to go.

We talked amongst ourselves. Wishing things could be different. Daydreaming about taking our child home with us after the birth and our families accepting us and our child. But we also talked about how to survive after it was all over with.

After I got there, the first time a girl just disappeared, I didn't understand it. I was afraid to ask questions. I was just a kid, the youngest one there, and everyone kept treating me like one. After a couple more girls disappeared, I started asking questions. Where did they go? What happened to them? What happened to their child?

They were taken away to the hospital, where they were left alone to deliver their child. Many of them did not have parents or anyone to be with them. Their family only showing up after it was all over and the girl had returned to the "home" no longer pregnant, no longer a family embarrassment, but definitely different. These girls were kept apart from the rest of us. It was like no one wanted us to know what was going to happen.

Then it was my turn. I was rushed to the hospital in the early morning hours where I was left in a room feeling pains I never thought I could survive. My mom did come. She lived close enough and cared for me enough to come. She wasn't in the room with me, she was made to wait, in the waiting room. But she was there for me when I came out of recovery and was placed in yet another room alone.

A nurse brought my child to me. I think it was an accident or a mistake on her part but whatever it was, I got to see, hold, touch, and talk to my child. Just me and her. I would love to tell you that I remember each and every second that we spent together, but I don't. I am not sure if this is because I was so young or if it is the hazards of time (it will be 30 years one week from Monday), But I do remember how I felt. To look into her eyes and see a person. A part of me in her. As I sit here thinking about this and typing I have to stop to wipe the tears, this image is so strong in my mind.

She was perfect. I remember blonde hair, soulful eyes (I cannot remember the color now) that seemed to understand that I was her mother and that she knew she was loved. She gripped my finger with her little hand and we just sat that way for at least an hour. When the nurse came to take her back to the nursery I didn't want to give her back, but she promised to bring her to me again.

I got to see her several more time before we left the hospital. When my mom came to visit again after work, she wheeled me around the hospital floor, "to give me something more to look at then just four white walls" and when we went by the nursery she allowed me to look in but not too close. She didn't know that I had already seen and held my child. When we went back to my room I told her that I had already seen the baby. She told me that it was not a good idea because I could become attached (too late) and that would make things so much harder for me.

I went back to the "home" after three days. I was one of those girls now. I was kept apart, stayed in another part of the building and only allowed to eat with the other girls that had already delivered and were waiting to leave.

I had no one to talk to. The "counselor"??? person who guided me through the signing of all the papers was nice to me. I don't know if this was because she really cared or if it was part of her job. I would love to believe that she really cared. I signed all the papers and went to pack my things.

After packing I sat upstairs staring out of the window, waiting for my mom. The adoption agency was in the building next door. While I sat there staring, I say a family come out. There was a woman with shoulder length brown hair, it flipped up at the ends, hold a child in her arms and just gazing at that child as if it was the most precious gift in the world. The man, I assume it was her husband, had his arms wrapped around her and the child and was watching each step to make sure they were both safe as they all walked to the car. The looked so happy. They looked like the perfect family. They made me believe that I had made the right decision.

That was what I wanted for my child. That total unconditional love between parents and a child. Someone to protect her, care for her, provide for her. I couldn't. Not at that time in my life. I was a child. I could not raise a child and I could not ask my family to do it for me. She deserved so much more.

That vision of that family is what I have carried with me all of my life. When I wondered if she was okay, I just brought back that picture into my mind and I knew that she was okay. I know that it wasn't her in their arms arms that day. She was not given to her adoptive parents until December. Apparently she could not go to them until "he" signed the papers. But that vision has been my God send. It has helped me through so many sad times.

I went home. I did what I was told. I went back to school. I never talked to anyone about any of it. I never asked questions. I never told anyone how horrible and lost I felt. But I thought about it. I dreamed about her. For the first six months I woke up during the night sure that I heard a baby crying. I did go on with my life. I graduated from high school and then went into the military. It was there that I met my husband. We married and now over 25 years later we have two grown sons and a life we are comfortable with.

My husband knew about my daughter before we married. My sons found out about my daughter when they were 7 and 11. I was found in April 07 by the agency where she was placed for my daughter. We have exchanged letters and we are scheduled to meet two weeks from today, at the agency with a post adoption counselor there in case we need her.

I have told two of my brothers about this. That I have been found, not that we are meeting. This is my meeting with her. I want no outside pressures. My husband and sons are great. They are supportive but not pushing. They want to know her too. She is a part of me and because of that, she is welcome in their lives. I am thankful for them. I have been blessed with them (at least in this part of my life, they are boys after all and they have given me stresses over the years).

I have never forgotten her.

I carried her under my heart for 9 months. I did not share that time with her with anyone else. I sang to her, I talked to her. I hugged her, patted her, dreamed of her.

And I have carried her in my heart since she left the protection of my tummy. I loved her more than I thought possible. I never knew that you could love another person so much. But you can. And because I loved her so much, I gave a family the most precious gift I could ever give. My child.

So please do not think that your mother did not love you because she she shared you with another family. So many times there was no choice. And even when there was, the choice was for a better life for you.

I am so sorry for any adoptee that believes that they were not loved and that is why they were placed for adoption. I placed because I loved my child and wanted so much more for her than I could ever give her. This was not a decision made quickly or easily. I have lived with the decision I made every day. Some days have been better than others. Some days I did not want to live.

But I did make it through and now I get to meet her. Something I was told would never happen. See when I signed those papers all those years ago, I was told I was never to try to find her and that I would never get to know anything about her. Meeting her was definitely out of the question. But it is going to happen. In two weeks I will meet my daughter for the first time in over 30 years. I do not know where this will all go. If things will work out. Or if we will meet and that will be the end of it.

Everything I have found out about her since April has been a gift to me. This is how I am dealing with it all. I am going to look at it all as a gift that I never expected to receive. If I get more, great. If this is all I get, then that is okay too. Just having a picture of her and a letter from her is more than I ever believed possible. And I am thankful every day.

I am soory for the long post but I hope it helps anyone that needs to understand the we as birth mothers did love our children so much. More than you can possible imagine. And because of that love we shared the ultimate gift, YOU, OUR CHILD.

[Jackiejdajda]

I did not think I was good enough to keep my son.

I did not get any support.. in order to keep him.

I was convinced that he needed a mother and father..

I honestly do not think I could have survived on welfare.. My parents could not help me..
I did not ask if I could get welfare.. I know daycare was not available at that time..

I gave him out of love..

Jackie

[InBlindFaith]

(((TexasPuppy))) That was so beautifully written!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

More BIG ((((HUGS))))

[josh1788smom]

I agree Texas. That was beautiful. Your story so accurately depicts what so many went through. It is a tragedy that any child would think they were unwanted after the pain, agony, and longing that most birthmothers go through.

(((HUGS))) to you!!!!

[Found at last]

In 1969, having a child out-of-wedlock was frowned upon. I had a child out-of-wedlock nine years later and that attitude towards unwed mothers was just starting to change then.

My mother was so embarassed to be seen with me. She told me that her relationship with my father had deteriorated since I had gotten pregnant.

My father wouldn't even talk to me about the baby.

I worked in a factory and many of the women there wouldn't talk to me.

I didn't go out much, because people wouldn't make eye contact with me. It was very difficult to deal with.

I don't know how those girls got the attitude changed, but I'm glad they did. I wish that they would have had it changed sooner.

Found

[epenn922]

I'm an adoptee. Reading "The Girls That Went Away" by Ann Fessler really helped me somewhat understand. To me, it's like trying to understand a totally different culture.

Elaine

[jrainbow]

Texas, what a beautiful letter. My own bmom is not as detailed as you were but I know a lot of feelings were just like yours.

I wish you great joy in your f2f. It was the most amazing time I ever spent. I gave a talk about all of this at a club I belong to. I asked my bmom what was the best part to her. She said holding me in her arms for the first time. And she was right, it was an incredible feeling. I hope the entire meeting is marvelous for both you and your daughter.

Best wishes!

[Juliana13]

Texas - I wanted you to know how very touching and beautiful your post is... It made me all teary. The love you felt and feel for your daughter is so very obvious. Thank you for sharing some of your deep, personal feelings with us. For me, at least, it opens the door wider to better understanding, friendship and love - for first mothers in general, and for the two beautiful women who went through similar heartache that are the first mothers of my own children.

As an adoptive mother, is IS hard for us to think about the pain, anguish and continued heartache. - But I think is it important for us to do.

[TexasPuppy]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

As an adoptive mother, is IS hard for us to think about the pain, anguish and continued heartache. - But I think is it important for us to do.

It wasn't all bad,. I did get to hold her. I got to feel her grow inside me. Knowing that I made that little person. I did something no one else could ever do. I gave my daughter life.

Yes, there have been sad and hard times over the years but I just kept that image in my head. Somehow in my heart I knew she was okay and that let me go on with my life. I have raised two great young men. I haven't turned to sex or drugs, and thankfully I haven't needed psychiatric help. I believe all this is because of the fact that I was so young. No one ever really blamed me even though it was my choice (sort of) to have sex. I took that chance, but never really got yelled at for it.

I know that may sound strange to so many of you. I do take responsibility for what I did, and for the choice that I made to relinquish my daughter. But. . . I guess I have been easier on myself than most birth mothers. Somehow over the past few months I have found a peace. I am not sure when it came or how it came about, but it is there. I did what I thought was best for my child and for myself. I will not let anyone make me feel bad or guilty for what I have done. I feel I have payed my dues by never getting to see my child grow up.

But now. . . I am blessed again. I am going to meet my daughter. Something so many of us were told would never happen. It's been a long road with many ups and downs (hence there's that rollercoaster) but I don't think I would be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through it all.