[SchmennaLeigh]

Hey Moms from closed adoptions, I need some help. If you have ideas for a topic about closed adoption and/or reunion for the birth/first parent blog, please leave me a short note here. As my experience is solely open adoption, I struggle to maintain a balance on the blog. Since I've been doing a chapter review of a book about OA, I want to spend some time this month (Sept) focusing on closed adoption issues. So, I need your help.

I may contact you for further clarification or opinion on your idea. So watch your PM box if you leave me an idea.

Thanks in advance for all of your help!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Hey Moms from closed adoptions, I need some help. If you have ideas for a topic about closed adoption and/or reunion for the birth/first parent blog, please leave me a short note here. As my experience is solely open adoption, I struggle to maintain a balance on the blog. Since I've been doing a chapter review of a book about OA, I want to spend some time this month (Sept) focusing on closed adoption issues. So, I need your help.

I may contact you for further clarification or opinion on your idea. So watch your PM box if you leave me an idea.

Thanks in advance for all of your help!

Closed adoption issues -
how to cope with the pain of relinquishment over decades
how to be better prepared when you start a search
how to be better prepared when you child finds you/where to go for advice
how to better clued up as to how you as the bmother will feel, what your child has had to adapt to throughout adoption and the issues he/she brings with them
how to cope with the 80% of adoptees that make you "pay" for giving them up
Having the right approach to a child now adult in pain.
how, if not already a mother, to adjust from being single to being a "parent" of sorts overnight to not a child, but a now grown adult
how to cope with the loss of their childhood.
how to become the "parent" rather than the lost girl that relinquished (or how to be the "parent" & fairly together/collected to the adoptee, whilst freaking out !!! in other words, a good support in place)

Just some ideas, having been through a tough reunion, single at 50 and now with a son who has called me "mom" from the start. We've had a tough old time, but we're through the worst of it now and things are getting better by the minute. All because I now understand what the heck he went through and can give appropriate responses.

Hope it helps.

[keds]

As usual Jannyroo has some excellent ideas. Here's one I wonder if any has run into - how to cope with the emotions relating to disappointment that your bson or bdaughter had a great life and isn't "missing" anything from their life - exactly what you wanted but hard to handle upon reunion when all the negative emotions of your own loss arise. I was speaking to a girl (she's 38 so I can call her that!) in my support group and she is ecstatic that her daughter had a great family and is "well-adjusted" and yet at the same time a little hurt that there isn't the same "longing" for lack of a better word for missing out on life with her. She has lived a "half-life" as she calls it and I'm not sure how to help her. Might be interesting topic as there is additional guilt in relation to her feelings.

For me, I suppose my topic would be - how to cope with bfather/now husband who isn't interested in reunion and full siblings who are without tearing apart the family.

Thanks!

[SuddenlySusan]

How to handle a "mother reunion" between original and adoptive mom?

Yes, keds, Jannyroo has it pretty well laid out, doesn't she? I just wanted to say that I am grateful for the privilege of becoming acquainted with the two of you -- you're awesome people! SchmennaLeigh - you do a great job as well -- PM me anytime!

Susan

[quantum]

One of my biggest issues is silence.
Dealing with the years of silence before reunion and how to break out of that silence.

[keds]

Quantum, excellent comment. I am comparing the silence post reunion to that before. Part of the reason I am afraid to call/write my bson has to do with having to keep quiet all these years and the uncomfortable (right word?) feeling I get when talking about everything. I have yet to let down my guard totally and I like to say it's because I don't want bson to see how hard it's been but I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm not "supposed" to say anything. Lord, I could keep a therapist in gold for years!

[InBlindFaith]

I think the others did a pretty good job...

and then there are:

• Handling the fear of coming out of the Birthmother closet when you have been silent for so many years.

• Trying to fill a void then realizing many, many years later the void was the First Child and it can never be filled.

• Being overprotective of subsequent children because you are afraid someone will take them away too.

• Learning to accept your First Child has no interest in their First Mother.

• Worrying if you made the right decision

• Looking at every child (or adult) and wondering "Is that her?"

• Wondering if the First Child has your laughter, your smile, your sense of humor or the same quirks as you

These are just a few of the things I live with daily.

[quantum]

Originally Posted by keds

Quantum, excellent comment. I am comparing the silence post reunion to that before. Part of the reason I am afraid to call/write my bson has to do with having to keep quiet all these years and the uncomfortable (right word?) feeling I get when talking about everything. I have yet to let down my guard totally and I like to say it's because I don't want bson to see how hard it's been but I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm not "supposed" to say anything. Lord, I could keep a therapist in gold for years!

Oh I hear you! I think this is a big part of why it's so hard for me to talk about it with my parents and tell new people.
Plus yes, I don't know how to talk to my son! Or what's appropriate to tell him, or when etc etc.

[SchmennaLeigh]

You guys are the best. Seriously. Thank you. I'll be back with some specific questions. As for right now, it's FRIDAY! WOOO!

[sstuart]

These guys have great ideas, wow.
I would also like to discuss, my children that I did not place(my bdaughter is 21 and I have two sons who are 9 and 4) and how do you tell them, when is it appropriate to tell them? Since it was a closed adoption I have not talked about her and she is now old enough to look for me, although she has not yet. Thanks, Stacy