[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by DISCGOLFER30991

I wondering what most of you feel. I am an adoptee that is courios about finding my birthmother

Please be a bit more than curious if you intend to go through with it. Awakening feelings for someone that has lived with a lot of pain with giving you up in the first place is a pandoras box that this website gives testimony to, as does Nancy Verriers "coming home to self" and also Julie Bailey/Lynn Giddens "The adoption reunion survival guide", but you say that you have already prepared yourself this way, so I hope it goes well, but please consider it more than just being curious? If my son had found me and then backed off because of being curious, but no thanks, I would be devastated.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

Please be a bit more than curious if you intend to go through with it. Awakening feelings for someone that has lived with a lot of pain with giving you up in the first place is a pandoras box that this website gives testimony to, as does Nancy Verriers "coming home to self" and also Julie Bailey/Lynn Giddens "The adoption reunion survival guide", but you say that you have already prepared yourself this way, so I hope it goes well, but please consider it more than just being curious? If my son had found me and then backed off because of being curious, but no thanks, I would be devastated.

I have to chime in here to agree with Jannyroo.

If you are just curious, go hang out and take a peek at the person, but do not make contact and open the emotional floodgates if you are not prepared to stick it out and stick around.

I am an adoptee almost 6 weeks in reunion and at 39 years old the emotions that come with this can still knock me off kilter.

Even so it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made, but it comes with work and should come with commitment.

A big commitment.

[keds]

Hi there, as Jannyroo said there are a lot of emotions that come to the surface so I would recommend a letter or e-mail first. The initial shock of first contact, no matter how much it has been wanted over the years, can cause any number of emotions/reactions. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows (most had to do with feelings of regret, inadequacy and fear of disappointing him). I should warn you as well that any hesitation or delay in responding shouldn't be interpreted as rejection. I know that I have been guilty of jumping to conclusions that he didn't care or wasn't interested just because I hadn't heard anything for a few weeks (when in reality everyone's lives are so busy). Open and honest communication is best. Be prepared for anything and you'll do just fine but I would suggest that you spend some serious time thinking ahead of time of what it is you truly want and how much time you have available to spend exploring it (my mistake trying to get it done as quickly as possible) and what you will do should your bmom not be ready. I find that the waiting between contact is the most difficult so I have had to make adjustments in my expectations on the pace of reunion. In the long run slow and steady is the way to go. As long as you are honest with yourself you can deal with any situation. The forums are a great place for advice and support as well. We're all here to help each other. All the best.

[SuddenlySusan]

When I found my son's profile posted on this web site, I called my daughter and she acted as intermediary by sending the initial contact via email. She continued acting as intermediary until we had established our identities and relationship. It felt comfortable to do it that way. Even though we have been in email contact since January, and just had our first face-to-face a couple weeks ago, we still have not spoken on the phone.

I wish you and your first parents the best,
Susan

[Patty-cake]

Definately a letter. If a third party is available as described above that would be a plus. I think many want to be found but not all for various reasons. I do think any b.mom would at least like to know that you are alive and well. If you were born in the era of closed adoption era- be aware that she may have have a lot of painful issues to deal with in regard to your adoption. Don't let that scare you off. Just keep it in mind. A lot of us would have preferred to keep our babies but vertually had no other choice. I was glad to be found. I did not enjoy revisiting the worst event of my life- the relinquishment but I did it because my daughter asked. All those years I never stopped loving her and I think that freaked her out more than anything else. She retreated for three years and we are just now getting to know each other as people. Does this help?

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Patty-cake

All those years I never stopped loving her and I think that freaked her out more than anything else. She retreated for three years and we are just now getting to know each other as people. Does this help?

Wow, three YEARS? You did well to hang in there (as if we have any choice, but you know what I mean). That gives hope to so many out there Patty-cake that are wondering what on earth has happened and why. I hope your reunion is going well now, I would love to hear how things are going?

Jannyroo

[keds]

Patty-cake, 3 years! Kudos to you, I'm on my fourth week and it's driving me crazy! Of course, I was the one that said I would wait for him to write/call me as I knew he had a lot going on. Big mistake, I regret it now and I'm wondering if I should send him a quick message as I will be back in his hometown in 2 weeks and I usually let him know when I'm in town. All the best!

[InBlindFaith]

I wanted to be found!! So much so I created a MySpace profile under my maiden name so she can view it!! I have also stayed in touch with the Agency through the years, so when she is ready she can get all of my contact info.

Before you make an initial contact with your birthmom make sure you are ready for it. It will open a floodgate of emotions for her...good and bad in some cases. If DD chooses to make contact with me outside of the Agency I prefer it was a letter. Sent certified so she knew I received it. The letter would give me some time to process. I would probably be a puddle of tears, but I would be able to respond to any questions she may ask.

If she were to call me on the phone initially I don't think I would be able to answer any of her questions completely because I would be overwhelmed with emotions I had bottled up for the last 19 years. I don't think that would be fair to DD, I think she deserves my undivided attention when contact is made.

Just my two cents...

[TexasPuppy]

Originally Posted by DISCGOLFER30991

All of that being said, would you prefer a phone call or letter?

I am a bmom from the closed era and was just "found" in April 07. We have been exchanging letters through the agency where she was placed. The slow pace of letters, being able to read her thoughts and questions, taking time to write and rewrite my thoughts and answers, have made it easier for me and hopefully her.

See, when you meet someone for the first time, face to face, and you both have all these questions. I want to answer all her questions but if I blurt out an answer and don't say it quite like I meant it, then I could hurt her and that's the last thing I want to do. Once you say something, you can't take it back, no matter how hard you try to. No matter of explaining or restating it can change what you said first. In a letter, you can answer a question or write a thought and if it doesn't sound like what you meant to say, then you can change it.

I have sent several letters to my child but I have written at least 20 or 30. With each letter I write to her, type it, I read it, I retype it, I reread it, and this goes on for about a week until I finally have the letter saying what I mean for it to say. Then I hand write the letter and deliver it to the agency for it to be sent to her.

I believe that every bmom and bchild wants to be "found". They may not say it, they may not know it, but I believe they want it. If someone finds you, that means they cared enough to go looking. They CARED!! They CARE!! And that means so much.

I was told I couldn't look, that I didn't have the right to know anything about the child I relinquished so many years ago. Even though I was told this, when she turned 18 I went to the agency, I went to some group meetings, talked with a counselor, and wrote her a letter to be placed in her file just in case she ever came looking for me or just for information. I never expected to get a letter from the agency saying someone was looking for me but when it happened I was thrilled (after the initial shock of it all).

I was waiting on the agency steps the next business day waiting to get more information. I wanted to meet her right away. I wanted to know everything about her now!! But the counselor suggested the letter writing and even helped by reading my letters via email before I wrote them out. Her input was great. She would let me know if something sounded "not quite right" or if I wrote something and it might be taken differently by her then she explained how it might be taken differently. This helped me so much. Input from another side.

So we have written letters (with non-identifying information) only since April of this year. As of yesterday afternoon, we are scheduled to meet face to face at the agency at the end of September. We both have a specific time to be there on that specific day. And then we will meet in a controlled environment. Not her turf, not my turf, but somewhere where we can both feel safe, with a post adoption counselor there to help if we need it. I am anxious, scared, nervous, happy, excited, terrified, and so many other feelings that I have to work not to think about it all the time.

I feel blessed that we have been "found". That we are having this chance to meet. That we are being helped and taking it slow. I have listened, read about, and talked to other bmoms that have not taking it so slow and many of them seem to have had problems with their reunions (although many have had things work out fine). Each person involved is different. Each person needs to go at their own pace. Unfortunately, if your pace if faster than your bmoms, you may have to slow down for things to work.

Sorry such a long post. Basically I believe we all want to be "found" and that slow and easy is the way to go.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

This has always been a little difficult for me to answer. I do not pray that my birthsons find me some day, nor do I wish to remain in hiding forever. I have thoroughly thought out both, and truly believe that it is a decision to be made by them. If either of them (or the one I'm currently pregnant with, planning to place) eventually decide to find me, I would be completely okay with that. I believe that part of my decision to place them for adoption was also understanding that eventually, they had certain rights, too, such as finding the answers to questions pertaining to that decision. If my birthchildren decide to not "find" me, I will also be okay. That is their right, either way, and I completely respect it and have come to accept either possibility.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

This has always been a little difficult for me to answer. I do not pray that my birthsons find me some day, nor do I wish to remain in hiding forever. I have thoroughly thought out both, and truly believe that it is a decision to be made by them. If either of them (or the one I'm currently pregnant with, planning to place) eventually decide to find me, I would be completely okay with that. I believe that part of my decision to place them for adoption was also understanding that eventually, they had certain rights, too, such as finding the answers to questions pertaining to that decision. If my birthchildren decide to not "find" me, I will also be okay. That is their right, either way, and I completely respect it and have come to accept either possibility.

I have sat in on triad group support meetings.
I have listen to adult adoptees, girls want to find,
boys want to be found, but will look if they think "mom" is taking too long.

Many searchers find that men want to be found, more then women. Where women will search, men feel that "if the birthmom" really loved them, she will search.

Or, I heard it said, "she is the mother, she should look".

So at this time, don't make any decision about searching or not searching and don't set them in stone. Let time pass, lots can happen between now and then.

Not all adoptees know that it is ok to search. Why not put a letter in your file saying you are open to reunion if they want to find you. Then over the years make sure you send in new information so that they can.

Good luck, sorry you have to do this at all.

I know, I didn't want to give up son. But the time was different in 1964.

[nativewoman]

Life is so short for some of us...I am a birth mother that had a son back in 1976. I got to see him one time, got to feed him, than he was gone. I appeared in front of a judge who threatened to lock me away if i didn't sign him over to some agency. What choice did i have, i was worn out from fighting.
To make this very long life story short, I never stopped searching for him. He was the only child I would ever have. I could never bring myself to ever even think of having another baby, for two reasons. One, even though I was only 17 when my son was born, it did something to me that put a fear in me. I never wanted to chance again, that a child would be ripped from me such as my son was. And secondly, He could never be replaced by another. He was and IS my one and only.
About 7 yrs ago, I had a devistating head injury. The neurologists I saw, said due to silent brain seizures, I may only live another 10 yrs. So the search kicked in yet again, trying to find my son in this world of computerization. I stumble upon this site, and adoption.com, register with both and find a young man that *could* be or at least fits the birth date of my son. I write him. No response. So now I wait. But how long? How long do i have to wait. I can only hope and pray that he wishes to see him, or at least allow me the opportunity to explain all to him and tell him I never stopped loving nor stopped searching for him. My life has been a restless one, only really settling down in the past few years.
So to all the adoptee's out there, who may ponder "do i really wish to meet my birthmother?" Please do and know that *your* birthmother may have been given the same death sentence I've been given, and never have that golden opportunity to actually see and touch her one and only child.
I pray to you all, if I can help even just one of you, my prayers are answered. If it may not be to much to ask, could i have your prayers?
God Bless,
Sue a waiting birthmom.

[loveccl]

Well I say send a letter as a birthmom who found her brother who was given up for adoption when I was 2yrs old I have to say send a letter. My lil brother got his letter in Aug 6yrs ago and contacted me Dec 31st that same year. He had alot going on in his life and needed to digest it all. We have a great relationship now. I guess its my thought that there are so many people involved in adoption that a letter or email would give the birhtparents a chance to catch thier breath. My fear as a bmom is saying the wrong thing and loosing contact for ever. I personally contacted my birthfather at 16 yrs old with just a phone call and I was crying and sounded half crazy on the phone. I think you should go with your heart and do it soon...ask that they call or email back...IM is also a great tool when getting to know someone. Maybe send a childhood pic and a pic now so they have a piece of you. Let us know how it goes.

Big Hugs,

Loveccl

[DISCGOLFER30991]

Thank you to all. I will write a letter. Then I will follow up with all of you and let you know how it went.

[SuddenlySusan]

It's a big step. We'll be here for you.

Peace,
Susan