[JennyOJenny]

Hello. My name is Jennifer I am 24 years old. I had a baby 6 days ago that I gave up for adoption.

I am not sure if I attached the picture right or not, so here is a link to his picture.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...roo/nugget.jpg

I came really close to making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I didnt find out that I was pregnant until I was almost 5 months along. ( I still had my menstral cycle the whole time). Anyways, I had originally planned to have an abortion (a late-term abortion), because I did not want anybody to know that I was unwed and pregnant. So I made the appointment and was due to go in for the procedure in one week.

My mother was scared for me to have the procedure (I was also scared), so she kept asking me if I would just want to give it up for adoption. My thoughts at first were "no way". But I also REALLY didnt want to have an abortion. So I told her if she could find someone to adopt the child within that week before I was scheduled to go, then I would do it.

She called one adoption agency, gave our information, and they never called us back. Weird huh? And then the very next day she found an ad in our local newspaper from a very nice couple in New York ( I live in Texas). We spoke to them, and I canceled my appointment to get an abortion.

I had great support from my parents. I was able to quit my job and sort of "went into hiding" this whole time. I never left my house except to go to doctors appointments in another city. All of my friends and the rest of my family all thought I moved away for a while for a job. It has been VERY hard staying at home alone every day for 4 months. And having to lie to everyone about my whereabouts. But I finally got through it! Having to stay at home day in and out sort of was just like being on bed rest. So I gained like 45 pounds!

The whole time I was pregnant I didnt think it would be hard to give the baby up for adoption. What made it easier for me to cope with it was the fact that I didnt ever really feel like the baby was mine. I just pictured the whole situation as me being a surrogate mother for the couple. That might not make sense to some people but thats how i made it ok for myself.

Anyways I had the baby 2 1/2 weeks early and ALL of those feelings changed the minute I heard him cry for the first time when I was giving birth and his head came out. He looks just like me. The adoptive parents weren't able to fly in until the day after he was born, so me and my mother got to hold him and take care of him exclusively the whole first day after he was born.

It is an open adoption, and the adoptive parents are really nice. They have emailed me a lot of pictures already. And they did let me and my mother visit them in their hotel room one last time before they fly out.

Now I am in a lot of pain. Both physically and emotionally. Especially when I look at the pictures. But I dont want them to stop sending them. I love to look at him. So now I have joined this forum because I feel very very sad and I'm hoping to find some other people who might be going through the same thing.

Sorry if this post is too long. I look forward to getting to know some of you and reading about your experiences. Maybe it will make things a little easier for me and hopefully help me pass time so I dont drive myself crazy

[quantum]

Welcome Jenny, I hope these forums can help you as much as they've helped me!
I relinquished my son 22 years ago and it was a closed adoption unfortunately. I have found him and am in reunion now which has helped me a lot.

I read another post of yours where you said you got to hold your son a lot and you feel it made it harder, actually, it's hard for most people. I think later you'll be glad you did that!

Just remember that you are grieving right now (most likely) and it is hard! And it's ok to feel how you feel, however that is (if that makes sense!).

I am truly sorry that you had to go through this, I wouldn't wish the decisions on anyone!

Hang in there, talk a lot! I'm happy to help you however I can.

[StacyKelly2]

What a beautiful little angel!!! Your posting has just brought tears to my eyes. As an adoptive mom I know the true blessing we have because of a birth mom. Our beautiful son is now 2, and we have had him since birth. We still communicate with the birth mom and send updates and pictures. Words cannot even express how much our little miracle means to us. We will always hold such a special place in our hearts for our son's birth mom. We know emotionally this has to be the hardest choice, but made of much courage and love. I am so sorry for your pain and cannot imagine what this must feel like to go through. I was worried all along about how our son's birth mom would feel, and I tried my best to always try my best to understand how she must feel. She told me at first it was hard, but she knew it was the right choice for her baby. Now, she says she is at peace and she knows she could not have picked more loving parents. For us, that means the world. Our son will grow up knowing the love his birth mom has for him always...she gave him life, and in that delivery room we will never, ever forget just the heartfelt emotions and pure love we witnessed that day. I wish you only peace -if you need someone to listen you can pm me. God Bless

[JennyOJenny]

Originally Posted by StacyKelly2

Our beautiful son is now 2,.... Now, she says she is at peace....

So it took her about 2 years to be ok with it?

Just wondering cause that seems like a long time

[kakuehl]

Darling Jenny,
There's okay and there's ok! Your life will never be the same. Period. In some ways, I was "ok" with it very quickly, and in some ways it will never be okay. (I'm not trying to scare you, that's just fact or at least it's been that way for me. My pregnancy was never really a secret and I didn't hide away, so I could talk about what I was feeling. Like Quantom. my adoption was a closed one. I held D once (because I refused to sign the papers unless I did!) when he was almost 3 weeks old and didn't see him again until he was 33. I didn't even have a picture of him.

Recognize that while the experiences are similar for many of us, each of us is unique and so no two of us have identical experiences. That said, we do help each other through! This is a safe place to vent. To ask questions. God be with you.

[stevenstwin]

Hi Jenny -I'm not in the same situation as you, so I can't possibly pretend to know how you feel or offer you any real comfort. But I just felt that I had to respond because of one line - where you said that you pretended you were like a surrogate mother for this couple, to make it okay for yourself. I thought maybe I have just a "tiny" bit in common with you because I WAS a surrogate mother (and yes with my own egg). I obviously chose to do that on purpose so it was all "planned" and such, but it is true that you really can't plan how you will feel. 99% of the time I'm okay with it - and I never really felt she was "mine" -but there is the occasional little pang. I'll look at a picture they've sent and go "Wow - she really does have my eyes!!" or I'll think about her on her birthday (she just had one - she's 11 now) and feel like it's kind of strange that I'm not there, when she wouldn't even be having one without me, you know? Anyway, I know I did the "right" thing, so taht comforts me a lot. Oddly, I sometimes feel guilty wondering how she's going to feel about it all someday since she's the only one that had no choice in it. I don't know if my pointless ramblings help at all - just wanted to let you know that I can relate to some of your feelings and assure you that I DON'T live in terrible pain with it everyday. More like a twinge every now and then. Six days is a very short time - let yourself grieve and trust that it will get better!

[lahdh4]

It comes in waves and in cycles. There are good days, bad days and bearable days. It has been 3 years and it still continues.
I couldn't see Supergirl for almost a year after her placement because I was having such a bad time of it. I am still in therapy but that is for other things that adoption has brought up.

[loveccl]

Wow...to be in your shoes...

I am very OLD to the forums and I have my own thinking most of the time its against the crowd...

I Found the Forums 5 yrs ago my son had just turned 8 yrs old and I was still feeling CRAZY...Never before I found the forums did I think it was ok to feel. You see I was told to pick up the boot staps and move on with my life. I had done everything I could think of to self destruct in that 8 yrs. Yes I look back and I know its how I lived my life running and running just to keep from feeling. I will ALWAYS say that the Pain never gets better that you Never stop hurting aching or wanting. What you do is find ways to distract yourself from it all.

I hit what I call "dark periods" half the time I didn't even realize I was in them tell I was almost out of them and then I would realize why things had been so blah and literally dark for a week or two. Like the other poster said it came in waves. I can now say the the dark periods are not as frequent. There are days that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I always asked am I the vilian or the hero...its natural to feel angry at your self or the situation. Just PLEASE NEVER express the chaos you feel to your aparents. I saw a shrink for the first 1.5 yrs and still never ever did I find it safe to be a bmom.

This place these forums where you can get online with a cup of tea and ask for hugs or give them...this is my therapy...I am not a regular anymore. I had my own issues with the changes the forums took meaning 5 yrs ago you could scream and be hurt and mad and not have the fear that your anger and frustration toward your aparents would offend, because there are plenty of places for aparents but all too often they ended up comenting and it just stopped feeling like a safe place to me. WE YOU ME and OUR Fellow BMOMs are the only people who know what its like to rip your own heart and then look in the mirror empty. This can be a fun safe place. These B-moms especially the Old ones like me (note I'm note 3-0 yet) can be a great comfort. Welcome to the club of AMAZING women.

Personally I try to celebrate being a birthmother. If you need anything feel free to PM me.

Loveccl

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by JennyOJenny

So it took her about 2 years to be ok with it?

Just wondering cause that seems like a long time

Oh honey.

My Munchkin will be four. I'm not okay with it. To get specific, I'm okay with certain aspects. Like her family? They're grade A kind of people and we have an amazing relationship. But gah, I miss my daughter SO MUCH sometimes that it's simply indescribable. There are no words.

It is a myth that adoption loss is something to grieve once and move on from; it's a life long process. There IS peace involved, I do believe. I have peace with certain aspects of our journey. But each new thing is hard.

Hang in. If it wasn't for some of the ladies (and men) on this forum, I wouldn't have made it through my hard times.

[ShannonMitchell]

Originally Posted by loveccl

Wow...to be in your shoes...

I am very OLD to the forums and I have my own thinking most of the time its against the crowd...

I Found the Forums 5 yrs ago my son had just turned 8 yrs old and I was still feeling CRAZY...Never before I found the forums did I think it was ok to feel. You see I was told to pick up the boot staps and move on with my life. I had done everything I could think of to self destruct in that 8 yrs. Yes I look back and I know its how I lived my life running and running just to keep from feeling. I will ALWAYS say that the Pain never gets better that you Never stop hurting aching or wanting. What you do is find ways to distract yourself from it all.

I hit what I call "dark periods" half the time I didn't even realize I was in them tell I was almost out of them and then I would realize why things had been so blah and literally dark for a week or two. Like the other poster said it came in waves. I can now say the the dark periods are not as frequent. There are days that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I always asked am I the vilian or the hero...its natural to feel angry at your self or the situation. Just PLEASE NEVER express the chaos you feel to your aparents. I saw a shrink for the first 1.5 yrs and still never ever did I find it safe to be a bmom.

This place these forums where you can get online with a cup of tea and ask for hugs or give them...this is my therapy...I am not a regular anymore. I had my own issues with the changes the forums took meaning 5 yrs ago you could scream and be hurt and mad and not have the fear that your anger and frustration toward your aparents would offend, because there are plenty of places for aparents but all too often they ended up comenting and it just stopped feeling like a safe place to me. WE YOU ME and OUR Fellow BMOMs are the only people who know what its like to rip your own heart and then look in the mirror empty. This can be a fun safe place. These B-moms especially the Old ones like me (note I'm note 3-0 yet) can be a great comfort. Welcome to the club of AMAZING women.

Personally I try to celebrate being a birthmother. If you need anything feel free to PM me.

Loveccl

Wow.... I'm also new to this site....You just said all of the things that I've put off saying for fear of offending someone. Thank you. I'm a bmom that needs to be angry and sad sometimes, along with feeling proud and happy. I have reunited with my daugher, but I've had some issues with the aparents. I'm tired of biting my tongue, but don't want to loose her again. I hope I've found somewhere that I can open up freely.

[InBlindFaith]

I placed in a closed adoption 19 years ago. I have my moments...good and bad. DD turned 19 last July and at times I still am not okay with my decision, but there are times I am okay. This journey we are on is not always easy. I still turn into a puddle of tears because I would do anything to see her smile, hear her laughter and feel her in my arms again.

Treasure the pictures you receive and cherish every little piece of communication you get.

[JennyOJenny]

Thanks. I already feel like things are getting better now. Its been 3 weeks and I dont think about it as much. I finally allowed myself to take his picture off of my cell phone wallpaper. I just couldnt take seeing his face everytime i flipped my phone open.

I've also been able to stop looking at his pictures every day. That was making me sad

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by JennyOJenny

I've also been able to stop looking at his pictures every day. That was making me sad

Jenny, You need to be sad. You cannot get over a loss so immense as a child in three weeks. Give yourself permission to grieve. It is work that will need to be done, whether you do it now or later.

[josh1788smom]

Jenny - just wanted to send my support your way. Like has been said before me, it is great that you are making your way through your feelings. I am glad that you are not constantly sad now. You do need to grieve because you have suffered a loss. Everyday will not be painful, but a painful day here and there will enter your life. It won't end at 1 month, 1 year, 2 years etc. It is forever. You will be a productive member of society and many will never know of your path unless you tell them about it. But - you are forever changed. For me, having my other children brought back all kinds of grief I should have dealt with earlier. Not the actual having of the other children - or the little newborn babies they were, as my son once was. But - having these wonderful children in my life - and not having my other wonderful child in my life, was a reality I never expected would be so hard. You will be similar to other birthmoms, and you will be unique. Take the best of whatever helps you, and leave the rest.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!