[Karen1977]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I could be a help, but I'm still pregnant, so I haven't been through what you're going through. I was afraid of the name becoming an issue though, so I asked the amom to pick it so I could start calling him that. Well, she picked Torbin which i am not even a little bit crazy about, but I need to know what his name is going to be.
Anyway, I hope everything works out for you and you find some peace.

[lellis]

Unfortunately my birth mom has passed away before I was able to meet her. I was able to learn about her and later my birth dad found me and shared more personal information with me. My birth grandma gave me a picture of her which I keep in a special frame on display to honor her and the choice she made. I wish I had been able to say thank you. I guess I feel a little like if I say thank you to you it is close to the same. Thank you for your response.

[browneyes0707]

My DD's a mom asked me if I wanted to name her something, or if I wanted to help pick out a name. As far as naming her myself, I thought it would be strange for DD to be known as one name to me and another name in her world, KWIM? I guess I felt she was one girl who had two parts to her story, and if I named her something else that it would make her "identities" seperate. If that makes sense. Plus I was a teenager, I couldn't make up my mind about anything, I always said if I named her she'd be something like Tiffany with three "i"'s or something obnoxious like that, LOL (no offense )

As far as helping pick a name, I remember she had two choices and she asked my opinion. I again didn't really feel I should have an opinion for reasons similar to Texas Puppy's, naming a child is such a HUGE thing, I felt it should be something that her parents worked throught themselves.

I adore DD's name, I am actually wished I could have come up with it myself, because I had always liked the name as a kid. I'd use it for one of my future children, but I think it doesn't work to use as a middle name

[Found at last]

So empty,

I never had the option to name my daughter, but if I had had that option I would have named her "Patti" or "Trisha". The one of the first thoughts that came to mind when I saw her for the first time in 25 years was "There's my Patti".

Found

[joelynn]

Hi...I hope I don't get kicked off here...I'm an amom. Anyway...our first son we adopted..his bmom asked me before he was born what we were planning on naming him. I told her and she liked it. When he was born she put that on his bcertificate. So his last name was the only name changed when his adoption was finalized. We asked her if she had a particuliar name she wanted and we would either use it as his first or middle name. She didn't...she liked our names. We didn't get our daughter until she was almost 4 months. We didn't get to meet the bmom because she didn't want anything to do with the process. The agency asked her to choose a name for paperwork and welfare payment reasons until she was placed. She chose Amanda Kay...we had chosen the name Abby Caroline...so similiar in sound. I started to change the spelling on Caroline to Karoline but didn't think about it until after everything was already in ink and printed on stuff. Anyway...just a point of view from another side of the the triangle. We hope her bmom comes to terms and wants some contact. We have this 2 inch thick scrapbook of pictures for our son (including pictures with his bmom and her other children and bgrandmother as well as letters from his bmom) but not much for our daughter. We don't even have much in the way of heritage info for her. She is mixed race and we're not sure which ones...agency says mostly hispanic. She is the one who will have questions.
My thought and prayers are with both bmoms. Their gift to us is unmeasurable. I know the pain of loss...we buried our firstborn bio son and after 21 years the pain is still there around his birthday but as they say time lessens the hurt.

[quantum]

I know I always like reading opinions and thoughts from all members of the triad joelynn!

I also think it's just wonderful to hear from amoms who are as thoughtful as you are. I wish I'd had the option of an open adoption and I wish that my bson's amom didn't feel threatened by me, especially since he's 22!

[joelynn]

Quantum,
Thank you. I always try to put myself in others' shoes...of course in this case I really can't other than the loss issue. We met our son's bmom 3 weeks before he was born. I must admit I was nervous and so forth but after meeting her I relaxed. She wanted us to be in the delivery room. My husband didn't feel comfortable with that so he stood outside the door until it was all over then he came in and met our son. I stayed with her in her room and we had the baby room in too. It is a special bond she and I now have...we shared him for 24 hours. It wasn't easy when her mother showed up with bmom's 2 young children and half sisters. No one knew she was pregnant until she gave birth let alone was placing him for adoption. It was a little tense at first but my husband and I left the room and stayed in the background to let them work it out. We have pictures of all of them including the bgrandmother holding him. My son calls them his "Texas Family". Again when it was time for her to leave I gave her time alone with him to say her goodbyes. Her mother hugged me for dear life and whispered in my ear to please take good care of him. I don't know who was crying hardest. It was truly a bittersweet experience. We sent pictures and updates monthly for the first year and then a couple times a year there after until he started school as the agreement at placement. I still send updates and pictures about once a year unfortunately it is done through the agency and I have no guarentee that she is getting them all but at least I send them. I feel she deserves and should have any contact she wants. He is old enough not to be confused by it all. Everytime I see his grin it reminds me of her. I'm sure when the time comes if he wants to find her I will be the first one online and so forth helping him look. I think in different circumstances had we met we would have been great friends. I guess this great experience with her is why I felt cheated when we got our daughter. I don't even have a first name or picture of her bmom. Just bare black and white non-descript facts on paper. She had 4 children already, partner in jail, working full time, and this pregnancy the result of a date rape. She didn't receive any prenatal care...walked into the hospital and walked out 6 hours after delivery. It took the agency several months to get her to meet with them to get the bare facts. I'm not judging her so please don't think that. She could have had an abortion but she didn't. I would have just liked to have a picture of her and a first name. Possibly a picture of her 4 other children. I'm sure she was so overwhelmed and just didn't know what to do. On top of that the agency said her mother was chronically ill and living in another state. She moved back near her mother the day she was last seen by the agency. I just feel one day...if she hasn't already...regret not knowing what happened with her daughter. I say a prayer for her all of the time. I'm sending pictures and updates to the agency to put in my daughter's file incase bmom decides she wants them.
Sorry this is so long...thanks for letting me share.

[kakuehl]

Quantum, when I think back to how I was at age 22 - newly married and trying desperately to be independent (especially of my mother!) - it seems to me that the age alone can be difficult for an amom, without the addition of a bmom into the equation.

Joelynn, welcome to the discussion!

[quantum]

My poor birthson also has a stepmom in the equation as well! Which makes me wonder if she's got some issues there as well.

One of the things that made me a bit sad was when my birthson was telling me how terrified his mom was the first few months of his life, terrified that I was going to show up and demand him back! I wish that I'd had an open adoption if only so that I could have reassured her in those times.

Nevermind! His stepmom and dad have been very enthusiastic about him getting to know me. His mom will come around someday.

[fairydust159]

I was really blessed in my placement experience with the naming. I picked the couple about 6 months before the birth so we had a lot of time to get to know each other and talk everything out. The name was extreemely important to me, but i didnt want to pick something the aparents hated and have them change it... so we picked a name together! They chose the adad's middle name for his first name, and i picked my little brother's first name for his middle name... so now he has a little part of me with him everyday, as well as a little part of his aparents. I'm in a semi-open adoption and love getting pictures and emails about how he's doing... in fact he was 4 months old 2 days ago, and is so chubby! Lol.. neways, i would recommend to anyone considering placing their baby for adoption to co-name them with the aparents.. its been wonderful for me.

[JennyOJenny]

I had my baby 6 days ago. The adoptive parents let me choose his middle name and they chose his first name. I'm glad they did that because I feel at least he has something from me that will stay with him forever.

The only thing I dont know is his last name, I'm not sure if they aren't allowed to give it to me or what.

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello Jenny.. and welcome to the forums..

I am a birthmom and I am a birthgrandmother.. and I want to send you a cyber hug..
You are not alone in any of this..


Jackie