[stillrecovering99]

2 yrs ago i became preg and bc of several factors decided that i would place my baby. after connecting w/an agency and not feeling very supported w/them i chose to look on my own. i found adoptive parents that i fell in love w/ and we develoepd a relationship better than any i couldve imagined. before my due date i went into labor and gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. it was the hardest thing in my life. i was extremely unsupported by friends and family. this was mostly due to me keeping my pregnancy low key and even hidden from some for a variety of reasons.
the adoptive parents was supportive and helped me emotionally but turned later after the stillbirth and chose to believe that i was never really pregnant at all which hurts me still more than anything.
they had good reason to have doubts bc my ex-bf i later found out had been manipulative and i can only assume all along never wanted me to place. long story and a lot that i didn't know about until it was to late but i was blinded by him for months and he got in the middle of a lot of stuff making me look like someone i was not. the adoptive parents questioning my preg and not believing me has hurt me not only personally bc i have been so unsupported but also bc my daughter has gone unrecognized.
the one year anniversary of my daughter has recently come and gone and i went through it completely alone. i no longer have any contact with the adoptive parents (their choice) and my own family and i do not even talk anymore, a lot of which is bc of this situation. i mourned completely alone and am living in a new area where it was easy on the outside to look fine when i was not at all but am hurting still.
i still consider myself a birth mom and still struggle not only with not having my daughter, but knowing that no one else does. i am grieving several things at once and i feel so alone and have been struggling a lot and am just looking for support. is there anyone out there who has struggled similarly? i thought time would help but it hasnt. dont know what to do with alot of my feelings bc at times they are just to much.
i know my situation is complicated but does anyone out there have any thoughts of advice? it would hekp to hear from other birth parents and how they have dealt with losing their sons/daughters to adoption and the healing too. thanks.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I encourage you to seek out a professional counselor/therapist to help you sort through your grief issues. Grief can be overwhelming and "messy" at times and it can help to have someone to sort through the ins and outs and help you see what you're missing and what you could focus on instead.

One thing I want to make note of: you were never a birth mother. You never signed the Termination of Parental Rights. While you intended to place your child, that never happened. You are that beautiful little angel's mother, forever. I think that perhaps if you allow yourself to feel that, despite the plans you were making for placement, you could move towards a new kind of healing. Instead, I think you're focusing on both the guilt that would have come from placement and the grief that comes from the loss of a stillborn child. Allowing yourself to be your daughter's forever mother, even though she is in heaven, may help you focus your grief in the appropriate areas.

Hang in there.

[josh1788smom]

I agree with Schmenna - you are a mother to an angel. It does not matter that you were going to place her. She was your daughter, and you are her mother. You need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your child. The child my husband and I had, after my first was adopted (not by my choice - by my parents), was born at 22 weeks of pregnancy and she did not survive. We went from planning a baby shower to picking out a coffin. It was awful. There were days I thought I was doing fine, and I'd just burst into tears and have to leave work.

It is incredibly sad and emotional. I would suggest talking to a therapist that can help you work through your dealing with your loss. There are a lot of groups that support parents that have lost an infant. Hopefully, one is near to you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[stillrecovering99]

Thanks for the responses. b
c I was so sure about the adoptive parents/placement I have never once stopped to think about me as the mother vs. the birth parent. Its a different thing to think about and feel.
I am so sorry for your loss josh1788smom. Reading your post made me think that maybe I have not grieved this at all like I need to. I didnt have a funeral for her and instead let the hospital take care of everything for a variety of reasons. mainly bc for me my preg was a shameful thing bc of my age and situation. I honestly felt at the time more grief for the adoptive parents and their loss than my own.
I enjoy being on this board and welcome anymore responses. Thanks.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by stillrecovering99

Reading your post made me think that maybe I have not grieved this at all like I need to. I didnt have a funeral for her and instead let the hospital take care of everything for a variety of reasons. mainly bc for me my preg was a shameful thing bc of my age and situation. I honestly felt at the time more grief for the adoptive parents and their loss than my own.
I enjoy being on this board and welcome anymore responses. Thanks.

It might be really helpful for you to see a counselor that specializes in grief. There are many agencies that take people on a sliding scale or if you have Medicaid. Please consider this. He/she can help you find a way to say good-bye and to fully grieve the loss of your beautiful daughter. If you are having a hard time finding a place pm me.

You are a mother who lost a daughter at birth. This is a huge loss. My heart goes out to you.