[ModernDayBradyBunch]

I responded to a post about relinquishing rights, counseling that was (or wasn't) offered prior to signing TPR, etc. After submitting it, I started to really think about my own adoption experience. I've read tons of posts and have yet to come across anyone having a situation even remotely similar to mine.

It's really bothering me. Now that I'm looking back, so many things are throwing up red flags, and I just need to know: Have other bmoms gone through what I did?
Here's the questions I want to know:

Did you go through an agency? What was your process like before you were able to view profiles? Did they show you certain profiles because it "would make for an easier adoption"?

Did your agency mislead you about your own state laws? Did they make you turn your life upside down (I'm talking drastic here) to make the adoption "work"?

Did they pressure you into signing? (Regardless of whether you were having second thoughts or not)

I truly believe that if I told my experience, many of you wouldn't believe that it even happened. I'm sitting here thinking, "How could I have believed that? Why didn't I get another opinion? What if I had questioned them more or stood my ground more?" I was confident in my decision, and still am, but maybe I should have at least talked to another agency or attorney to make sure the info was accurate...

I know it's a lot to answer. I'd appreciate anything you're willing to share.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

It's really bothering me. Now that I'm looking back, so many things are throwing up red flags, and I just need to know: Have other bmoms gone through what I did?

What exactly was your experience(s). I have to admit I do not feel like I have the whole story.

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

Did you go through an agency? What was your process like before you were able to view profiles? Did they show you certain profiles because it "would make for an easier adoption"?

I went through a lot of real options counseling, as well as a lot of exploration on my values and what was/is important for me, both in life and in child rearing.

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

IDid your agency mislead you about your own state laws? Did they make you turn your life upside down (I'm talking drastic here) to make the adoption "work"?

They did not. They were respectful and honest.

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

IDid they pressure you into signing? (Regardless of whether you were having second thoughts or not)

Absolutely not. But I have to tell you I went through one of the most ethical agencies in the country. As someone who has worked with birthparents all over the country I have to say that your questions reflect more of what I see birthparent experiences to be.

[quantum]

I was fairly determined that relinquishing was the right decision but...
I first went to an agency, I think what they were offering was semi-open adoption which appealed to me.
They spoke to my mom in another room separate from me, my dad felt like they were manipulating her. I don't know.

I was then encouraged to go with a doctor and the state's social services agency. I was offered nothing. No information on my rights. It was my bson who told me that I had had three months to change my mind!
I don't know who was supposed to inform me of anything or when.
Even though it was 1985 it seems like my experiance was that of someone who relinquished in the 70's or 60's or before.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

What exactly was your experience(s). I have to admit I do not feel like I have the whole story.

Ok...here goes. This is probably going to take a while.

Let me start from the beginning. (This is something I'm not quite comfortable talking about yet, but I'm really trying here)

When I first contacted my agency, I wanted to talk to a family they had here in my home state. They told me I could. I was really excited. A day or two later, they told me I couldn't. They said that my state doesn't allow me to match with a couple that is also in my state. They said that that's the law, bottom line, no way to do it. So I was really disappointed. So they sent me profiles. (All of which were couples that had had a recent failed match because it would make the adoption "cheaper" on the acouple) I picked out my son's aparents. Once I did that, they asked me to go to another state to deliver. They said that the laws here would make it too hard to adopt and my consents had to be given in court and it "took too long" (they said they couldn't get a court date for six weeks or so). Keep in mind this is all a month before my due date. So they wanted to uproot my ENTIRE FAMILY into some apartment in a MAJOR city. This city was about 12 hours away, I think. I told them that I was afraid to travel that far so close to my due date. They said they would "research other options". The next day, they had come up with ANOTHER city in another state that I just had to go to. This city was six hours away. I told them that I really wanted to deliver here, where I live. I have a home and children and a husband. They said absolutely not, that I HAD to go there if I wanted to place, and if I didn't, then they "weren't sure they could work with me". Needless to say, this was a LOT of pressure and a LOT of chaos in just a couple of days. By this time, my husband and I were ready to pull our hair out. They said that there was no way they were going to match me with one of their couples if we couldn't get a court date for six weeks, that it wasn't fair to THEM to have to wait and it would be stressful for THEM. So we went. Six hours to a state and city I had never been before. We all had to live in a hotel there until I delivered. I met my son's aparents in person when we got there. I really really like them a lot. Despite everything else, they were GREAT. Well, when I met them, and we were discussing these CRAZY arrangements, they (my son's aparents) told me that they would have been MORE than happy to wait in my home state. I was floored. Here I am, in a state I'd never even been, ready to deliver, and I hear this. Well, come to find out, they had me go there because instead of waiting six weeks for consents, I was able to sign in 72 hours and in that state, my son's aparents were able to finalize in only two days after TPR. (Which I guess is basically unheard of) And since we were in a state that neither I nor my son's aparents lived, they had to enlist the help of another agency there. And at 72 hours, I told them that I was talking to my husband and that I would go sign when we were done. (We weren't wavering, we were just having a heart-to-heart to make sure we were both okay) She (the agency worker at the state I delivered in) told me, "You aren't going to change your mind, are you? Just remember why you want to place. Everyone goes through this, it's easier once they're signed." I told her that I wasn't changing my mind, I was just talking to my husband, and she said, "Well, I have appointments and errands, so you really need to come right now." And all I got was phone calls, wanting to know what time we were going to be there, how far away we were, etc. And then, the morning after I signed TPR, we jumped back in the car and drove home.

And if that story isn't bad enough...I just talked to my worker not too long ago and do you wanna know what she said??? She said, "We just worked with a bmom from your state, and guess what? We were able to handle her adoption after all!" If that isn't the icing on the cake, I don't know what is. So there...that's my story...

I should say, though, that I DO like the original agency worker. She is a very nice person and is almost like a friend to me. I don't blame her. I know (I heard it firsthand) that those crazy plans and crazy decisions came from someone higher than her. But it doesn't make it any less aggravating.

[bromanchik]

All I can say is YUCK, YUCK, YUCK! I hope you are not working with them again.

[quantum]

ARGH! what a horrible thing to go through!!!

[leakaye]

Sounds like you really never got a chance to say goodbye to your baby. Sounds like there was just too much going on. You never mention your baby once in that whole story. What did you have?
I too do not agree with how my agency treated me. I was misled and misdirected. I was never told about support groups, nor how hard my future relationships, friendships or how hard just plain living would actually be. I did however choose my bsons aparents and I was allowed to give birth where I wanted to. The agency did arrange the court appointment, 14 days later. I did sign those papers, and it hurt.
I certainly did not have as rough of a time as you. Thank goodness you had the support of your husband. I don't think you would have made it without him. YOu sound very positive after all of this. Moms have to be though, don't they?, for the sake of our kids
What I found that has helped is going to a bmom support group. I talk about my experiences once a month with a group of bmoms who know. It gets easier.
I will never lose that feeling of deceat though. I feel I was tricked into my decision. Manipulated and takin advantage of when I was weak and vulnerable. You however wanted to adoption, I did not. I don't think you will ever find someone who has the same situation than you. We are all on the same river, just riding different boats. If I were you, I would write a letter to your govener, or someone high up there. Something should stop that horrible agency from doing that to another vulneralbe pregnant woman or girl.
Good Luck with your healing. xx Lea

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

I responded to a post about relinquishing rights, counseling that was (or wasn't) offered prior to signing TPR, etc. After submitting it, I started to really think about my own adoption experience. I've read tons of posts and have yet to come across anyone having a situation even remotely similar to mine.

It's really bothering me. Now that I'm looking back, so many things are throwing up red flags, and I just need to know: Have other bmoms gone through what I did?
Here's the questions I want to know:

Did you go through an agency? What was your process like before you were able to view profiles? Did they show you certain profiles because it "would make for an easier adoption"?

Did your agency misleads you about your own state laws? Did they make you turn your life upside down (I'm talking drastic here) to make the adoption "work"?

Did they pressure you into signing? (Regardless of whether you were having second thoughts or not)

I truly believe that if I told my experience, many of you wouldn't believe that it even happened. I'm sitting here thinking, "How could I have believed that? Why didn't I get another opinion? What if I had questioned them more or stood my ground more?" I was confident in my decision, and still am, but maybe I should have at least talked to another agency or attorney to make sure the info was accurate...

I know it's a lot to answer. I'd appreciate anything you're willing to share.

That had you at a very emotional time. They knew your time limit to do this was short. They knew you were confused. They didn't care (that isn't entirely true of course, some don't, others care a lot about you)

Some have a god complex, solve your problem. Make a family happy that can't other wise,(in most cases) can't have a family any other way. That euphoria that they feel in accomplishing this can lead to untruths, by not telling you, by withholding information. "For your own good, and supposedly in the "best interest of the baby".

Mine was a closed adoption, 43 years ago.
There was so much they didn't tell me you would wonder how they got away with it.

But unless you had done it before you wouldn't know.

You can't know how you will feel, or for how long until your baby is gone. Then it is too late.

So yes, in some cases your are used, abused and thrown away.