[cls2445]

1963...age 16 boyfriend 17....pregant. We had plans to marry. My parents threatned him with rape charges if he tried to see me. I was sent away and gave up our little girl. It was never mentioned again and when I returned home, I went back to school. We had no contact with each other. I have 3 children with my husband we have been married 40 years.
Several months ago, my dd made contact with me. We have corresponded by phone and email. We will be meeting this weekend. I should be walking on cloud nine...Yes, I am very happy about our reunion. It is something I never thought would happen. I am so weepy, I keep reliving 1963 all over, I can't shut off the what ifs. And no one seems to understand how I feel. Oh yes I want to meet/touch/hold her. That is not my concern. Why do I keep having these flash backs????????How can I deal with this. At anytime I expect to see the men in white coats at my door.

[Free_to_be_me]

I am in no way in your situation, but it sounds totally normal to me. I have been in an open adoption for twelve years and I get weepy and emotional right before and after visits sometimes. I have never gone more than a year without a visit. I imagine a first visit after over 40 years apart would magnify the emotions so much more. I don't really have any advice on how to handle it, but I know someone on this board has had a similar experience...Can anyone else help?

[InBlindFaith]

I think what you are feeling is normal (((HUGS))) Sounds like you have many years of emotions bottled up and it's just now bubbling over.

Take it slow, enjoy every moment and don't forget to breath.

[keds]

Hi there, I'm meeting my bson this weekend as well and you are more than NORMAL. I'm having the same feelings and find myself crying at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure why either but I did speak with a friend of mine who is a professional (I just can't seem to open up to anyone - years of being told only "crazy" people do that). Anyway, she said that I never dealt with my emotions at the time so now they have come to the surface and have to be recognized, accepted before the crying will stop. Easy to say, not so much to do. Best of luck this weekend. Trying not to go

[InBlindFaith]

My best advice for the both of you...wear waterproof mascara and stuff lots of kleenexes in your purses (and keep an extra box in the car).

I hope y'all have WONDERFUL reunions this weekend!!! More hugs coming your way.

(((((HUGS)))))

[keds]

Thanks for the advice Roni. Since I got the call earlier tonight I'm feeling oddly calm. I saved his message and have listened to it a few times (not too weird is it?)

I'm sure the cold water in the veins will return tomorrow when I realize I have to lose 25 lbs by Monday! All the best and ((((HUGS))) back to all of you!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi there, I'm meeting my bson this weekend as well and you are more than NORMAL. I'm having the same feelings and find myself crying at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure why either but I did speak with a friend of mine who is a professional (I just can't seem to open up to anyone - years of being told only "crazy" people do that). Anyway, she said that I never dealt with my emotions at the time so now they have come to the surface and have to be recognized, accepted before the crying will stop. Easy to say, not so much to do. Best of luck this weekend. Trying not to go

My goodness you guys, after ALL you have been through and you still question why you are going through all these emotions? It is ENTIRELY natural! I hate to dampen things by saying read a book, but the Julie Jarrell/Lynn N Giddens book "The adoption reunion survival guide - preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond" is essential reading! perhaps you will forgive me if I quote from p138 which is about bmothers:
Birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that "time heals all wounds" which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birthmothers. Instead, it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labor and birth. And finally she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

Hope that helps,
love and hugs in anticipation of your reunion KEDS and to CLS225 and to all of you that need all the encouragement in the world - its here on this forum from those of us that know what you are going through......

[cls2445]

I knew all that emotional stuff would come out but there are flood warnings posted here......I have read just about every book out there re. adoption/reunion. I was emotional when she first called but nothing like its been this week. My husband has been wearing his life jacket! Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

[shash]

cls2445 and Keds~
Hi,
I am also meeting my bson this weekend Depending on the day, I'm also very excited, to freaked out, to worrying about what we'll talk about, or at times teary when I'm just trying to talk about what I might say... I'm not sure that anyone can ever deal with all of the emotions in a situation like this as it can be a traumatic event. You definitely don't need to be committed, it sounds like your having a flashback like individuals who have experience post traumatic stress (ptsd). I had a counselor once tell me that I was also exhibiting some ptsd like responses.

I am just hoping that the tears don't start flowing when I see him and then just keep coming and coming and coming. I'm sure he doesn't want to see me blubbering.

Good luck this weekend, I'll be thinking of both of you!

[quantum]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

Birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that "time heals all wounds" which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birthmothers. Instead, it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labor and birth. And finally she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

Thanks Jannyroo! of course that statement made me start blubbering all over again! You know I looked everywhere for the book when I was visiting the USA and none of the stores had it in stock. ´:-( I was also being naive and thinking 'my reunion won't be run of the mill, so this book can't help me'. Maybe I should continue trying to find it.

[keds]

Hi everyone, I had to get the book from the local library by request and it took forever to come in (a sign that there are lots of us out there). I read it some time ago and should probably see if I can get it again. I go from an odd sense of calm/serenity at knowing he wants to meet me and then sheer terror at the thought of it with a little bit flashback thrown in for good measure. I am extremely emotional and always have been but when put in a situation with someone who is more upset than me I usually can pull it together. I think if I put his feelings first I may be able to get through it without turning into a puddle. Of course, as soon as he leaves, well that's another story! All the best to everyone and this is going to be a very memorable weekend for me knowing that I'm sharing it with you.

[SuddenlySusan]

Greetings, cls2445...

I understand what you're talking about. The friend of keds who is a professional had it right: we have to deal with the pain of the past that we buried so deeply. It seems that once the floodgates are open, well, they're open!

When I found my bson through this website this past January, I cried for three months, day and night. I cried so much that I had "watermarks" from the salty tears under my eyes. It took another month or two for those to go away. If I try not to cry, the watermarks still show up. You are not crazy, honey... you are healing.

Jannyroo, the book you mentioned (Adoption Reunion Survival Guide) is a good one. Quantum - if you can't find the book, try online (I found mine at Amazon).

Shash, Keds and cls2445... I wish all of you the very best that life has to offer this weekend. My thoughts will be with you. PS: Remember to breathe!

Peace,
Susan

(bmom in reunion)

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by shash

cls2445 and Keds~
Hi,
I am also meeting my bson this weekend

I am just hoping that the tears don't start flowing when I see him and then just keep coming and coming and coming. I'm sure he doesn't want to see me blubbering.

What makes you think he won't cry?

[Jannyroo]

[quote=quantum]Thanks Jannyroo! of course that statement made me start blubbering all over again! You know I looked everywhere for the book when I was visiting the USA and none of the stores had it in stock. ´:-( I was also being naive and thinking 'my reunion won't be run of the mill, so this book can't help me'. Maybe I should continue trying to find it./quote]

I ordered it from my local library, but if you still have problems with it, use the ISBN No which is: 1-57224-228-0

The first few months of reunion I felt that I was drowning and this book really made a difference to me. It not only showed me what was going on, but it was very gentle on my feelings. I wish I'd have found it before I did. As for blubbering.... oodles of that throughout reunion. Funnily enough, when I met him... neither one of us cried.. and that surprised both of us...we'd both emailed each other saying we thought we would! but plenty before and after! oh what fickle things emotions are!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi everyone, I had to get the book from the local library by request and it took forever to come in (a sign that there are lots of us out there). I read it some time ago and should probably see if I can get it again. I go from an odd sense of calm/serenity at knowing he wants to meet me and then sheer terror at the thought of it with a little bit flashback thrown in for good measure. I am extremely emotional and always have been but when put in a situation with someone who is more upset than me I usually can pull it together. I think if I put his feelings first I may be able to get through it without turning into a puddle. Of course, as soon as he leaves, well that's another story! All the best to everyone and this is going to be a very memorable weekend for me knowing that I'm sharing it with you.

SHASH, KEDS and CLS225 - have a WONDERFUL reunion. We await with bated breath for news next week!!!