[keds]

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I had a rough night in that I keep thinking that was "it", I blew it and I'll never see him again. I went for a long walk (instead of tequila and ice cream) and was standing on the bridge over the river and thinking why does it have to hurt so much?! I have to believe that he will contact his sisters and I've spent the better part of an hour writing a note to him about what I wanted to say. I will send his birthday card/gift under seperate cover. I guess for me I'd rather have my heart stomped on now then wait for later but I am taking your advice - it could be years so I have to be patient. I just wish he would say one way or the other. I only hope I can get out of this funk and concentrate on work and the rest of my family but this occupies my every waking moment. I guess part of me is asking why I've put my family through all this if he isn't interested in getting to know them. All the old emotions are rearing their ugly heads so I am going to have to finally work through it and come to the realization that I can only control a small part of my life and let the rest go. It just hurts so much! Thanks again and if any adoptees can provide their words of wisdom, please do. I don't want to push but at the same time I don't want him to think I don't care. I just don't know what to do!

Quantum - he's tall, thin and reminds me of my dad. He is gifted, like my brother so very intelligent, well-spoken and every time he smiled I almost died. I didn't let any emotions show through as I was afraid once the tears started they wouldn't stop. He wasn't receptive to touching even though all I wanted to do was hold his hand. I hope if we meet again he'll be more comfortable but my gut tells me that it is unlikely. Maybe its a defence mechanism, maybe not. I just hope I get a chance to see him again.

Shash - we were on the street corner and he started to walk away and I asked that he call and he said that he would write the girls. I just don't know.

Kune - thanks for your advice, I've trimmed down the letter I wrote to him today and will re-read before I send it. I'm actually in his hometown the end of this week and it will take all the willpower I have not to call/stop by. No invite, no visit.

Love to all.

[quantum]

((((keds))))

I think that a lot of what you're doing is a defense mechanism. But maybe I'm wishful thinking in a way?
I know that my ftf was a last minute feeling thing and I felt myself shutting down emotionally so that if it hadn't happened it wouldn't have gotten to me too badly. But it would have.

I think it's a great sign that he wants to email his sisters! Maybe he's more comfortable with the idea of siblings than another mother. I know that I've read a lot of adoptees saying that they found it easier to get closer to siblings at first. So grasp on to that straw!!! Maybe he's just not ready to deal with all the emotions that have to do with you. It doesn't sound like he's shutting to door completely...

Keep us updated!!!

[quantum]

Originally Posted by cls2445

Do have to share this comment from her...I had my bare feet propped on the end table and she looked at me and said...its so wierd to see my feet on someone else~

My bson has the same weird thumbs (really short and fat) my mom has...I know that they will definately relate on issues around them when they meet! When I told my mom that she started to cry, I don't know if she was just hoping they got lost in the genetic soup or what!

[keds]

quantum, thanks I think I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I wrote him a letter and let's hope he replies. At least to his siblings. I think I'm a lost cause at this point.

Fingers and toes, I only noticed his mannerisms were the same as mine and my brother/father. Not that I told him that - God where was my mind at!

I look forward to hearing more about everyone else's reunion.

[shash]

I love that you noticed the similarities and mannerisms, those are things that I look forward to looking for. I guess it is one more thing that reflects the connection to your child. When I think of future conversation I know I will be eagerly waiting to hear things that are like me or my family. I think bmoms always want to feel connected to their child.

[shash]

Keds and Cls~
I've been thinking about you this week and wondering how you are doing post meeting?

[quantum]

And shash, have you heard anything more??

[keds]

Hi everyone, quantum you must have ESP. I was feeling so down after the initial meeting with my bson - we had a great time but skirted all the serious stuff and talked mainly about hockey, interests etc. He was just as nervous as I and we were so busy trying not to lose it that I went away feeling he was indifferent. I took the wonderful advice from you and kune and wrote him a letter, spilling my guts so to speak, and told him we'd always be here for him, we were hoping he could find a place in his heart/life for us and that there were no expectations just us. The social worker that I've been dealing with called me last night to see how I was doing and I told her I was hopeful but not certain. Every time she's called, my bson has called/written the very next day. Well, he jumped the gun, he called about 30 minutes later and told me he had written me the night following our reunion and that he got my letter and read it 3 or 4 times as he was so pleased I opened up to him. We talked for some time and I think I'm very lucky in he IS just like me. He doesn't want to hurt us or get hurt but now he feels that I would never do that (and I won't). He wants to be part of our lives (YEAH!) and the analogy he used was that he was trying to find a spot in our boat without tipping it over. I told him we're so excited about everything it's a wonder the boat is even still tied to the dock! Anyway, I'm meeting him again next week (driving down the 300 miles for the day) and I will do so as long as he wants to see me. I also cautioned him that I would like to take our time and spend as much time as we need to get to know each other and that it could be years before he's really comfortable. I know the best friendships I have, that have endured all my trials and tribulations, are the ones where we went slowly. He did write back to my daughters as well so I really hope they forge a strong relationship. It's amazing the difference a day can make and I'm somewhat at peace as no matter what else happens, I laid all my cards on the table and I'm still standing! I do hope that you get your call soon shash - keep us posted. If it weren't for you guys I'd be LOL.

[cls2445]

Shash, I was prepared to be really down on Monday. Instead I feel like I am walking on a cloud. I feel entirely happy and keep having these warm fuzzies! I think during our visit this weekend I forgave myself. DD is a wonderful woman, happy, healthy, and loved. Those are the things I had wished for her. I know and accept the fact that the 44 years are lost to us forever. My baby is a grown woman. I can only hope to become a close friend, I don't wish to replace her mother. I finally feel complete. Since the day of her birth I only wanted to know she was alive, happy, loved, healthy, etc. I never expected any more, so this has all been a huge bonus to me. Putting my arms around her, holding her for the first time ever was undescribable. Yes, I do miss her (she is 300miles away), but we have made plans for another visit and there are phone calls and emails. All the anxiety has been removed from our relationship since our f2f. It feels so right and comfortable.

Keds, just have some patience....hard I know, he just needs a bit of space and time to digest everything. It will all work out.
Having raised 2 girls and a boy...there is a huge difference. Boys and men have to show a macho image to everyone. They sure don't want many knowing how they really feel and take much longer to "warm-up" to someone. Hang tight!

[quantum]

Here I was sitting and feeling sorry for myself and I've read the past two posts and I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO!!!

And keds, it sounds like you are really getting somewhere, of course there will be ups and downs but HANG ON TO THIS FEELING!!!




What a FANTASTIC way to start the weekend...

[shash]

Originally Posted by keds

He doesn't want to hurt us or get hurt but now he feels that I would never do that (and I won't). He wants to be part of our lives (YEAH!) and the analogy he used was that he was trying to find a spot in our boat without tipping it over. I told him we're so excited about everything it's a wonder the boat is even still tied to the dock!

That is so exciting! I'm glad that you were both able to discuss what you want from each other. I bet you are so excited to know that he wants to be part of your life. I think those are the words we all hope to hear. How amazing that after all that worrying and stress you are going to see him again next week. I'm glad it is all working out.


As far as things at my end, we are waiting to hear what the aparents want to do as we've made a couple of suggestions as to how to proceed. We've been having some difficulties coordinating days and times. In the movie Evan Almighty, Morgan Freeman who plays God says when you pray for patience do you think I just make you more patient or do I give you an opportunity to work on being patient... I can tell you from my personal experience it is the latter and I'm getting very,very good at being patient from all the practice. I figure our reunion will be that much more wonderful and special when it finally happens. I'll let you guys know as soon as I hear something. Thanks for asking.

[keds]

Shash - I have yet to see the movie - maybe this weekend but that line is great. It is true, patience is not a reward but something that you develop over time and mostly due to challenges that you face and overcome. I am glad to hear that you are working on nailing down a date and time. Sounds like everyone is moving through at their own pace and yes, I don't have any experience with boys - I have 2 girls and we are very close and always speak what is on our minds. He is very sensitive as well and I'm going to be very careful not to try and interpret his actions/words but listen carefully and ask questions. We've settled on next Thursday which is exactly one week before his 27th birthday. Yikes! Thanks for being there!

[cls2445]

Keds....you will have us all with you in spirit on Thursday. This will turn out alright!!!!!!! Just follow your heart................

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

I don't have any experience with boys - .....He is very sensitive as well and I'm going to be very careful not to try and interpret his actions/words but listen carefully and ask questions. We've settled on next Thursday which is exactly one week before his 27th birthday. Yikes! Thanks for being there!

Keds, my son pulled back pretty soon after the first F2F. I was gutted because I didn't realise what was going on. I think it was a few days after reunion and I emailed him and said, Have you hit a brickwall because thats what it feels like to me, and he got back pretty promptly and said YES thats exactly how it felt. Later when we emailed again, he said he was totally unprepared for the feelings and emotions that meeting me brought up in him. Before that, you would have thought it was plain sailing, we were both high and excited and thinking fantastic! but after the reunion (which was great by the way), its as if it walloped him hard. He said it was like having a jigsaw puzzle with the piece missing (me) and when he meet me, the piece went in, and then the whole jigsaw picture came tumbling down and he's been trying to put it back together ever since. I could get an answer from him as to what he wanted from the relationship one minute and then he was behaving another. I don't honestly think its time to ask "what do you want" after 1 meeting, its almost like going on a first date and asking the guy how serious he is, does he want to get married and when's the commitment coming! Can't do it, it takes time! and nurturing!

So whilst I have had a particularly rough ride with my son, its always been the great communication, sharing how we genuinely felt or asking each other how we felt, that has kept us going and built up our relationship and warmth and love between each other. But I've had to hold back how I've felt so as not to be too intense and share the intensity of my emotions in other directions (counsellor, friends, this website). My counsellor says that despite the ups and downs, its a good reunion. So I hope that gives you a little encouragement. Don't be put off by his initial reaction, its pull back, its classic and it can be overcome. He needs time and no heavyweight stuff. I hope all goes well........ and I'm sure it will, "listen carefully and ask questions" is great advice, you will have a head start.

love and (((hugs))))

[keds]

Jannyroo, thanks. I think my immediate response was my fear that my daughters had their hopes up and what no contact would mean to them plus I never really dealt with all the emotions 27 years ago and, as others have said, they all come flooding back. I'm glad to have you all available to guide me through and this week will be interesting. He did say he was grateful that I was so open but now that it's been said once I doubt if i will speak as openly without being asked first. I'm going to sit on my hands as well to keep me from reaching out! I'll let you know how it goes but we both seem confident that baby steps are the way to go and are cognizant of the other's feelings and to keep talking so as not to misunderstand each other again. I think that things are going well as I'm spending more time worrying about everyone else than focusing on me! That's how it should be! LOL