[quantum]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

[I ordered it from my local library, but if you still have problems with it, use the ISBN No which is: 1-57224-228-0

The first few months of reunion I felt that I was drowning and this book really made a difference to me. It not only showed me what was going on, but it was very gentle on my feelings. I wish I'd have found it before I did. As for blubbering.... oodles of that throughout reunion. Funnily enough, when I met him... neither one of us cried.. and that surprised both of us...we'd both emailed each other saying we thought we would! but plenty before and after! oh what fickle things emotions are!!!

Unfortunately I live in Sweden so my local library isn't really an option! Not that we don't have them, they just are very weak on English books (and books about adoption! I looked for some in Swedish!)
But thanks!

[shash]

Jannyroo~
I don't know for sure that he won't cry. He is still young and his aparents will be there so I'm not sure if it will be the same as if it was just he and I. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[InBlindFaith]

Hmmm...waterproof mascara, a box of kleenex and really cute shoes!! That's what y'all need!!

I am so excited for y'all and I can't wait to hear how everything went!!!!

((((HUGS))))

[cls2445]

SHASH and KEDS I am calling my broker tomorrow to invest in kleenex!
The butterflies are flocking in my stomach already....I know you two also have them also. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you both a fantastic reunion. Please let us all know how it goes. I will too. Sending good thoughts your way.........

[Mil]

A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labor and birth.

Wow - all the reunions coming up! How neat!

Jannyroo is right with her above statement. When I heard my bson was looking for me, I was thrown back in time for quite a while. I cried constantly and relived everything that went on. What really surfaced was my anger with my parents for not doing anything to help me keep my son. And after I met him, I just felt so cheated out of seeing him grow up. Here he was, 27 yrs. old and while I felt really blessed with the reunion, it hit me right between the eyes what I'd missed. It took quite some time to realize I just needed to enjoy the additions to my family (I had a daughter-in-law and twin grandsons!) and to not be constantly thinking of what I had missed. And that took quite a while! There are a lot of emotions to work through and reunion is not always easy. But well worth all the pain and tears. We've been in reunion now for 6 yrs. and it's been wonderful. Lots of adjustments along the way, but well worth the effort on both of our parts.

My son and I neither one cried the day we met. I think we were both just so nervous and wired that the tears couldn't come. The tears came at other meetings, but not the first. Good luck to all!

[longingtomeetyou]

im so excited for you all having reunions......wow i look forward to hearing about them

[shash]

Cls & Keds~
I've been lucky because it has been an incredibly busy week at work so I've had very little time to think about my anxiety although the butterflies have kept me up late a couple of nights.

Although I've known for several months that our reunion would occur, my thoughts have totally changed. I'm not sure if my thoughts are getting "deeper" or what but I've been thinking more about the fact that this young man I am going to see, is a part of me, that he is actually that little baby I held in the hospital. I know that may seem "a little obvious" but I guess it is a more realistic view of who he really is vs. the surreal young man that I think about so often. The pregnancy seems like so long ago and almost feels like I was a different person then, so now it's merging that surreal past with my life today. Weird

Keds and Cls I'm so excited for both of you too! I can't wait to hear how everything goes. I can't believe it is just a couple more days.

[keds]

Shash & CLS, in some respects meeting my bson on Monday is going to be easier knowing that you are in reunion this weekend! I get what you're saying about the surreal becoming real. My bson is 27 in 2 weeks and I'm hoping to finally wish him a Happy Birthday! I do so hope that all goes well - and yes, do buy stock in Kleenex! I was thinking about everything the other day and realized that before every great event in my life I've felt like throwing up, this tops everything! I've tried to keep busy but my mind keeps wandering back to what I'm going to say/do. I only wish I had someone here with me to pick me up when it's all over. Although, I may just stay overnight in the hotel (it's only 25 minutes from home) and order room service - tequila and hot fudge sundaes! 4 days left! I can't wait to hear about your reunions. LOL

[shash]

Keds
I too keep wondering what I will say/do. I honestly really can't comprehend what it will be like. When I get really nervous I feel like I have to pee. My friends and I actually refer to it as the "nervous pee". Hopefully that won't be the case this weekend. It is comforting to know that you and cls will be having reunions in the next few days also. I agree with you although it woul be nice to have someone there for you, room service, adult beverages and ice cream can be very helpful also.

[shash]

I found out last night that after our meeting this weekend the aparents don't want me to have any further contact with bson (who is 18) until his graduates from high school, which will be another year. I'm feeling pretty devastated and wish I had heard this information earlier. I have never assumed that he would want further contact but at the same time I would have liked to have heard this information months ago so I could decide if waiting another year would be more appropriate. Aghhhh!!!!!!!! Honestly the first thing it reminded me of was seeing him in the hospital and then leaving him there...

I'm sure they think this is in his best interest but it really hurts and it is making it really hard for me to be excited about this weekend. It just seems like a premature stipulation. Why not just wait and see how it goes, and then if he is even interested in further contact we could discuss what is appropriate contact that won't interfere with the things he needs to do.

[Mil]

Maybe you could discuss with your son and see if it was totally the aparents idea. Maybe you could get an email address from your son and keep in contact that way. I can't see your son being satisfied with this either. I hope you can work something out, even if it's just limited contact. I'm sure they feel they're protecting him at this busy and important time of his life, but I would think it would be even more emotionally upsetting for him to just meet you and then nothing.

Good luck to you!

[quantum]

I am so sorry Shash! But you know, Mil is right, talk to your bson about it. I know it's a bit sensitive, not wanting to step on a-parents toes BUT he is 18! And maybe you could work out some compromise like contact during holidays. It makes me wonder if they are worried about him being able to focus his senior year.

My tricky thing was that first contact was made via amom who decided that birthson was too busy with college to have contact! She didn't pass on that I was looking. He found out when I attempted again a few months later and was shall we say a bit annoyed with his mom. She knows we're in contact, doesn't know we had a ftf.
Anyway, I think she did feel a little threatened BUT she was also justifying that by feeling like he's got so much going on in his life, it's too much.

Hang in there, try not to let it take away from your ftf!!!

*HUGS*

[keds]

Shash, I agree with Quantum - he's 18 and if he wants to continue contact it will be his decision - maybe you can agree on a "schedule" that would fit. Are his aparents going to be at the F2F? If so, it might be difficult to figure out what HE wants. I'm hopeful that there will be on-going contact but no expectations - that's up to my bson as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by shash

I found out last night that after our meeting this weekend the aparents don't want me to have any further contact with bson (who is 18) until his graduates from high school, which will be another year. ...... I have never assumed that he would want further contact.

can I just check what you have said - did you say that you didn't assume he would want further contact in any case? because by my answer below, I'm assuming that you do want it to continue and are hoping it will? If so, my answer is as follows;

Its very crushing to have this news and I'm not sure how you heard it from what you've said above, but you know what? I would wait to hear it from your son. Also aparents cannot control how your son is going to feel upon meeting you. Even my own son was taken aback by the feelings that meeting me engendered. What he thought he would feel was so different to how he actually felt when meeting me for the first time in reunion (4weeks after 1st contact).

To a certain extent, nothing can really prepare either the bmom or son as to how they will feel upon meeting each other for the first time in x amount of years, we are all different.

What I'm trying to say, is that I think your son is going to find it nigh impossible to just say hi! and walk away for a year. He will feel the impact of meeting you as much as yourself. Nobody, but nobody can plan the emotions and reactions that follow reunion, not even aparents. If it is a successful reunion then he will want to keep in touch, but bear in mind that so much has to pass under the bridge. From reunion onwards its really hard work.

I would encourage you to try to steady your heart by not taking it as a given, and see how it goes. Take courage that this is your son and he wants to see you.

Even if he concurs that he wants time out for a year to finish his studies, perhaps you wouldn't feel quite so daunted if you could use that time to prepare yourself more (sorry, I don't know how much you know about reunion, have read, have counselling, that kind of thing) maybe you won't feel so daunted if you take that one year as a time for personal adjustment and insight, to be well prepared for anything that may come.

I'll mention it again, Julie Baileys & Lynn N Giddens book "The Adoption Reunion - a survival guide (preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond) is essential reading to prepare anyone for reunion. Its kind, its helpful and gentle.

Please do brace yourself for quite a ride and tumult, the "roller coaster" as we well know, as up to the first reunion its the honeymoon stage, but it gets quite difficult afterwards when all kinds of emotions are involved and I don't think there's a birthmom on this site that has said its easy. So enjoy your reunion, read up, keep posting, and if he says contact will be delayed for a year, then it give you chance to prepare and prepare well for continuation and success. I hope this helps, as I can well imagine how gutted you feel.

I hope you are able to post soon and say, you know what? I have his email address....... we're all here for you to support you, whatever the outcome.

[shash]

Jannyroo~

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

can I just check what you have said - did you say that you didn't assume he would want further contact in any case? because by my answer below, I'm assuming that you do want it to continue and are hoping it will?

Its very crushing to have this news and I'm not sure how you heard it from what you've said above, but you know what? I would wait to hear it from your son. Also aparents cannot control how your son is going to feel upon meeting you. Even my own son was taken aback by the feelings that meeting me engendered. What he thought he would feel was so different to how he actually felt when meeting me for the first time in reunion (4weeks after 1st contact).

For clarification, the pastor I am working with was told by the aparents that after our meeting this weekend, they don't want me to have any further contact with bson until after he graduates next year. What I meant in my post, was that I've never just assumed that he would want further contact but I don't think it is right that "if" he does that they say he can't for another year. And of course I would love to have further contact I agree I don't think any of us know what it will be like nor the impact it will have on us individually. Just saying "you can't have contact for a year" may be a little easier said than done if he really does want further contact. I understand they are trying to protect him, but reunion and further contact may help him more than distract him.

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

I would encourage you to try to steady your heart by not taking it as a given, and see how it goes. Take courage that this is your son and he wants to see you.

I am going to just wait and see and believe whatever is meant to be will happen. My heart tells me that it will all work out and I would be a little surprised if he really did not wanting any more contact but if that is the case then I'm prepared to respect his request.

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

Even if he concurs that he wants time out for a year to finish his studies, perhaps you wouldn't feel quite so daunted if you could use that time to prepare yourself more (sorry, I don't know how much you know about reunion, have read, have counselling, that kind of thing) maybe you won't feel so daunted if you take that one year as a time for personal adjustment and insight, to be well prepared for anything that may come.

I'll mention it again, Julie Baileys & Lynn N Giddens book "The Adoption Reunion - a survival guide (preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond) is essential reading to prepare anyone for reunion. Its kind, its helpful and gentle.

I have read that book and several others, I'm kind of a dork that way, the overprepared type. I will go in with the information I know which will hopefully help.

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

I hope you are able to post soon and say, you know what? I have his email address....... we're all here for you to support you, whatever the outcome.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support. The past couple months even setting this up has been up and down so I don't doubt there will be more to come. I will definitely let you know how it goes and yes hopefully I will have good news.