[nelbel]

I first joined this site when I was pregnant and planning an open adoption. It has been a little over two years since then, and yet, I feel as if no time has passed.

I still feel as empty and lost as I did the day I said goodbye to her. Everyone said that it would get better over time, and if it's possible, I feel it has gotten worse.

Is this unusual? If anybody has experienced a similar sensation or has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[InBlindFaith]

You are no alone. It hasn't gone away for me, I have learned how to manage day to day life with it. I do have good days and of course I have some bad days.

Do you have someone close to you that can help you work through this?

[nelbel]

Thank you for your speedy response. I do have a few close friends that know, but none that understand. Whenever I've talked about it, they're pretty much speechless. It's hard for others to understand unless they have experienced it.

[julz12-13]

its been 20yrs for me. it doesnt really get easier just coping w/ each day to day feelings. i talk to everyone around me. not as much as i did when it all first happened. i was 20yo when i placed my bd. so i was married by 22 and had my 1st child by 24, a dd. it helped the missing link some. but i now have 3 children, and still a void is there. i never feel i am done w/ having children...i always want ONE more. now i'm 41 yo...thats old to have another baby.
try to hold on to the times, i'm figuring you got to spend w/ her. talk here about how you are feeling..it helps to release that. especially w/ someone who understands. no one did in my situation. but my friends listened, my parents were the ones who didnt want to talk about it. i think guilt was too much for them. if its an open adoption, do you have any contact? does it help? a girl i have conversed w/ says it makes it worse. her parents go to see her bd, but she does not go. mine was a closed adoption. i really dont know what would be better. i now have info on her...and i am scared to make contact. i thought i'd be elated..but i am horrified..LOL! does that make any sense?
i dont know how you feel...but praying helped me alot. and writing my feelings down in a journal. then you have those to save for her when you meet later.
i hope it gets lighter for you...the wound still needs time to sort of heal over.

[browneyes0707]

I really don't think it gets better per se. LIke everyone else, it just becomes part of my day to day, of who I am, like my identity. It's been 15 years, and I have my moments still. For a while I had no outlet and I pushed everything down, not the best move, because feelings are like buoys, they always come back up.

I understand that you feel you have no one to talk to, that was part of my problem too the first few years. That was pre-internet, before places like this existed.

We are here to listen if you need someone to talk to

[kakuehl]

In the early years it was much more acute! If I got close to someone, I always had to tell them about it... to give them the opportunity to pull away from me I think. Over the years, for me anyway, the wound formed scar tissue, so I thought about it less and less. (It was still there, and sometimes painful, especially around our birthday, etc.) Since being in reunion with him, the wound has been reopened so that I find myself revisiting a lot of old "stuff." That has been maybe (for me) the most surprising part of the whole reunion (which is going well).

[mommadscience]

It's been over 29 years for me. I was just contacted in April 07 that she was looking for me.

I was very young when I gave birth and I had NO ONE to talk to. My family sent me to a home because they thought that was best for me. Everyone told me to go home and forget it ever happened IMPOSSIBLE!!!

IT did get easier to deal with, with time. I did not talk to anyone about it for over 5 years after it happened but when I met my husband I told him and we talked. And whenever I needed to talk he was there.

I had two sons after getting married and that helped some moe but there was still a void.

I tried to talk to my older sister once about it but 5 minutes after talking to her my mom called "to see how I was doing" so that was the end of that.

After contact in Aoril I did talk to one of my 4 older brothers. Told him what was going on just to see what his response would be. It took him a few minutes to remember it at all. My daughter is only 5 months younger than daughter so you think it would be easier to remember. Guess if it doesn't happen to you it doesn't stick in your memory as much. Or maybe just a guy thing.

I just wanted someone to talk to. To tell me it was okay to have ALL those fellings. Good, bad, indifferent. I will listen to you. To anyone who needs someone to listen, I WILL LISTEN.

[quantum]

It never goes away.
Time helps you learn to cope, but not everyday!
It helps to talk. Especially to people like us who've been there, who are there!

It helped me immensely to find my bson, but that's brought a lot of hard things to the forefront, especially the 22 years of silence with my parents.

I guess an important thing to know is that despite all this, you will survive and you can be happy!

I hope this make sense?

[SchmennaLeigh]

My pain has changed. Sometimes it has gotten much worse. There are times when I have found it tolerable. But for me it has never magically disappeared.

[cls2445]

No honey the pain never goes away. There are days when its not so bad then bam!!! it hits hard again. It has been over 40 years for me. Years of lies, denial, guilt...there was no one to talk to then, you see, it never happened as far as anyone I was close to was concerned. We have just started our reunion and there are days I still feel like its 1963 all over again.
Is there an adoption/birthparent support group close to you? Check on that and by all means keep with us here, we all understand and you are NOT alone!

[papaeck]

i gave birth to a daughter at 15, i have been reunited after many years. time doesnt heal, even with reunion , i missed all those years. never had another daughter but i do love my 4 sons. sorry, only God can help

[krystabelle]

It's been two months, and I'm beginning to think there is nothing that will heal the hurt. It lessens at times...but it's always there. I think the key is to learn how to deal with it and not let it overwhelm you. I think the word that needs to be used after an adoption is "cope", not "heal".
I could be wrong. But it's easier to quit looking for healing and start coping.

[froggy1032000]

Originally Posted by krystabelle

It's been two months, and I'm beginning to think there is nothing that will heal the hurt. It lessens at times...but it's always there. I think the key is to learn how to deal with it and not let it overwhelm you. I think the word that needs to be used after an adoption is "cope", not "heal".
I could be wrong. But it's easier to quit looking for healing and start coping.

Krystal, I gave up my son 27yrs ago and time didn't heal that wound for me. You are right I just learned to cope. Even having other children couldn't make that hurt go away. Time will ease the pain and you will have moments that it doesn't hurt so bad I promise. It is too soon for you though. I will pray that you find peace and comfort in knowing that God will walk this road with you. My favorite poem is Footprints in the sand. When the man looked back and saw one set of footprints he asked God "Why is it that in my darkest moments I only saw one set of footprints?" God replied, "My child that is when I carried you".

God Bless,
Alba

[cali-girl07]

Reading what all of you have said takes me back to the first couple of years after I gave up my birthson.

Those two years were the hardest. Not a moment passed that I didn't beat myself up for being stupid and trusting. The father turned out to be married. I was 17 and very naive.

Have I gotten over it? Not really. But like was mentioned, I did have to tell anyone that got close all about it. I was cold and emotionless. I guess I enjoyed the shock on thier faces. As yes, one or two ran for their lives. Can't say I blame them. I was a mess for a long time.

I have recently begun seriously thinking about finding my birthson. I am 40 and a far cry from the 17 year old girl I was then. Am I really ready?/ Don't know. But I am certain that no matter what I decide to do or not do, the Lord will see me thru. I've been praying for guidance and I am not doing anything until I feel pretty sure of His answer.

[taramayrn]

Certainly the pain has not gone away 7 years latter. The pain has changed and isn't always so raw, however, I have also learned to incorporate the pain and my grief into my every day life.