[browneyes0707]

A brief history, when I relinquished my DD 15 years ago, I was away at college, and very few people at home knew of my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant most of my friends were more concerned with the fact that b-dad was not being that supportive than offering ME support. My friends at college were awesome, and without them I could not have made it through!

I finally broke down and told one of my best friends about a year later, and the other best friend a year after that. Both of them were floored, and shocked. The second one seemed particualrly surprised that it took me two years to confess to her. She said she would have been supportive.

Fast foward to now. Over the years I had not been particularly outspoken about DD as I had felt it wasn't something I "should talk about" that it was "in the past" and I should "get over it" (perception, no one really told me that, it was just a thing that was in my head) I have now reestablished contact with her a -mom and enjoy getting updates and learning new things about her. Since I haven't really talked about her, it feels REALLY good to get it out in the open. I like to talk to my 2 close friends about her, so that they know it is an OK topic with me (it never was taboo before, just never discussed) and like any other mother, I enjoy sharing things with them that I learn.

However, my friends arent that eager to discuss DD with me. When I first found her and made contact with her family, they were interested a bit, but I think it was more about the "soap opera" value to it. Not many of my friends ask about her, and if I do bring her up, there is an awkward silence, and then a quick subject change. I try not to talk about her with them because not only it hurts, it DRIVES ME INSANE that I'm saying it's OK to talk about it, that I WANT to talk about it, and they don't feel comfortable with my discussing her. But then there are times when I'm so eager to share that I go ahead with it, only to get a very indifferent response. (and HEAVEN FORBID if I tried to do that when they share their children's stories!!) It's starting to irk me. A LOT

I'm curious to know if anyone else has had a similar experience, if it ever got better (I thought after a year they would be better with it, but no, not so much!)
and if you have any advice to handle it (and no, finding new "best" friends after 20 years is not an option, LOL!!)
And thanks to all my cyber friends for letting me share!!! Without you, hmm, I'd have no one to brag to

[Tigger27]

I'm sorry that your friends aren't more comfortable, open and understanding with you about your DD and your desire to discuss and share with them about her.

I can't say that I've had any experience with it...I myself don't have many friends I share with about my two girls. It's been mostly family that has been there for me and that ask me about them and that I share with, although I have a few friends that are closer than others that I try to stay in contact with who ask about them and want to see their recent pics and everything.

It's just been recently that I've started to become a little more comfortable with sharing with my boyfriend like I do with my family and these few friends. Well and it's also just been recently that my boyfriend's started to become more comfortable with it and started asking me about them at times.

And the few friends that I do talk with about my girls are older than me...I don't really have any friends IRL that are very close to my age that I share with. I did have a couple best friends I use to be in close contact with that were my best friends from high school, but things have changed and actually one of them was accepting and talked to me about it and we have just lost contact because she moved once and I lost track of her. I've thought about talking to her again, but then haven't ever done it yet, but on the other hand my other best friend or I should say ex-best friend from high school was not supportive at all when she found out about me with my first girl so I never have talked to her since then. I have reconnected with a couple other friends from high school near my age but haven't gotten the nerve to tell them about my girls yet so I don't know how they would react.

Okay I'm rambling lol...anyway I don't know what to tell you other than maybe they still need more time or maybe they need some help with being more educated about things. A lot of times people don't ask or talk with others about it because they don't know what to say or what they should say and also simply because a lot of times they don't understand our world as birthparents.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If they aren't personally touched by adoption, they may not know how to react. Even if you say you're open to talking about, they may honestly NOT be okay with it. I have a few friends with whom we do not discuss the adoption or the Munchkin. Adoption, even for those untouched, illicits strong opinions. They are entitled to feel how they do.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Perhaps it's time to seek out some more emotionally available friends? Or tell your current friends to wise up or move on.

[browneyes0707]

You are both giving me food for thought, LOL!
I have only a handful of friends who I've told about DD, Two of them are OK, we've talked about it before, they've both told me they respect my decision and how hard it is for me and they feel it is something I should be proud of. But we don't talk on that frequent of a basis. I do understand that people have opinions that are strong, which is why I'm not really looking to open up to too many others right now. Especially after those I hold close have reacted.

I guess as far as the others, they were there with me in the bathroom of one of their houses when I took the test as a teenager. Maybe I expected more from them given our history? But now that I think about it, I think at the very least my oldest friend may have a fundamental problem with the fact that I gave up DD. She has a habit of "changing the subject" when topics come up that she feeels strongly about, and there are some very unsupportive comments she made earlier on last year that now lead me to believe that she may not condone what I did, now that she is a mother herself. Ironically, she is close with her neighbors, who are a-parents that have an OA relationship with the b-mom who lives in another state. She has met the kids' b-mom, and likes her, so I had always thought she was more understanding of adoption, especially given that she has known me most of her life. She is entitled to her feelings, but at the same time her indifference is contibuting to a wedge between us that I think I may have to address. (not looking forward to that as she does not like confrontation and tends not to be very honest about her feelings, even in a non threatening environment)

It's comforting to know that it's not just an issue I deal with!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

A brief history, when I relinquished my DD 15 years ago, I was away at college, and very few people at home knew of my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant most of my friends were more concerned with the fact that b-dad was not being that supportive than offering ME support. My friends at college were awesome, and without them I could not have made it through!

I finally broke down and told one of my best friends about a year later, and the other best friend a year after that. Both of them were floored, and shocked. The second one seemed particualrly surprised that it took me two years to confess to her. She said she would have been supportive.

Fast foward to now. Over the years I had not been particularly outspoken about DD as I had felt it wasn't something I "should talk about" that it was "in the past" and I should "get over it" (perception, no one really told me that, it was just a thing that was in my head) I have now reestablished contact with her a -mom and enjoy getting updates and learning new things about her. Since I haven't really talked about her, it feels REALLY good to get it out in the open. I like to talk to my 2 close friends about her, so that they know it is an OK topic with me (it never was taboo before, just never discussed) and like any other mother, I enjoy sharing things with them that I learn.

However, my friends arent that eager to discuss DD with me. When I first found her and made contact with her family, they were interested a bit, but I think it was more about the "soap opera" value to it. Not many of my friends ask about her, and if I do bring her up, there is an awkward silence, and then a quick subject change. I try not to talk about her with them because not only it hurts, it DRIVES ME INSANE that I'm saying it's OK to talk about it, that I WANT to talk about it, and they don't feel comfortable with my discussing her. But then there are times when I'm so eager to share that I go ahead with it, only to get a very indifferent response. (and HEAVEN FORBID if I tried to do that when they share their children's stories!!) It's starting to irk me. A LOT

I'm curious to know if anyone else has had a similar experience, if it ever got better (I thought after a year they would be better with it, but no, not so much!)
and if you have any advice to handle it (and no, finding new "best" friends after 20 years is not an option, LOL!!)
And thanks to all my cyber friends for letting me share!!! Without you, hmm, I'd have no one to brag to

my dad told me he never asked about my son becasue I didn't talk about it. He thought, I had forgotten.

They may feel if they ask at the wrong time they will hurt you.

what I told my dad, I had never forgotten. with a closed adoption there was nothing for me to talk about. It wasn't like I could call or go see him. What little I had was all that I had and I didn't want to share. I put it away and didn't talk to anyone about it.

[lahdh4]

I have two good friends IRL who were there for me while I pregnant and they are the ones that I can turn to when something comes up. I am becoming more open to others at work and right now I am guarded in what I tell them.
I really cannot offer any ideas but I just speak up and talk about her.

[quantum]

Now that bson has entered my life I really do want to talk about him, but boy, I struggle too! And some of the people that I've tried to talk about it (including my dear sister-in-law) does the same thing of changing the subject as soon as possible. The irony is a lot of the discussions have been about 'can you believe my parents won't talk about it?' she says 'they're so weird' and then changes the subject herself! Good grief.

My longtime best friend knows, and has been ok with talking about it which is great. Mostly I have new friends though and am so scared to bring it up. I HATE HATE HATE how this makes me feel.

[InBlindFaith]

Brown - My girlfriend I have known since I was 12 gets extrememly uncomfortable when I mention DD. She changes the subject constantly. My other girlfriend who I have also known since I was 12 tries to pressure me into making contact. So both of them are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

My girlfriends here in the town I live in are very supportive of me. They are my shoulder to cry on and they get excited too when I find tidbits of info. One of them has helped me set the MySpace for DD to see, to help her get to know me as the person I am today. When I read "The Girls Who Went Away" two of my girlfriends told me to highlight the feelings I had and then they read the book to help understand better.

Maybe it's age...I don't know. I wish your friends could be a little more understanding. Until that little magic fairy comes and dings them you will always have us.