[valleysally]

Hi, I tried to get some support from a different group and 99% of the site is people talking about anything but adoption, I had registered here a couple of years ago, when I had access to the internet for awhile, and only found this again when I googled my name, et voila!

The first time I found this site, I didn't know anything at all about the internet and how the diffferent sites worked, but this time I have a little more savy, and finally found one of the things I was looking for, people who are going through similar situations to what I am going through.

I found my son, sorta, I mean I know where he is and what he is doing. I have exchanged emails with his amom, (who I always got along with) oh shoot, maybe I better start at the beginning.

24 years ago, I was 32, and deep in trouble with my life. I was a struggling artist(photographer) and my father had died the year before, leaving no insurance, and it was his support that had enabled me to continue to try to make it as a professional... I was close, did some album covers and such, but when he died I was not able to figure out how to make a living without that support...... I hadn't had a period for more than a year (probably due to stress) and I finally decided to go to the free clinic in Oakland and it was there my to my suprise I found out I was pregnant. great, I had kicked out the father months before, he was a good guy, but I found out when we started to live together, he was an alcholic. I figured it was better to cut it off early.

My mom and I were estranged at the time and I was floored by the diagnosis. (oh Here's a hoot, my father had been an ob/gyn!) I was 6 months along when I got the news, and that day in the clinic, I talked to a counselor and she told me about open adoption. I knew I had found the right option for me. As I have so often said over the years, I don't trust the state to use my taxes correctly, no way was I going to turn my child over to them! So the counselor sent me a couple of letters and photos of couple looking to adopt.

I have 2 adopted cousins, one on each side of the family, and I know how doted on and loved and treasured they both are so I knew it would be the same for my child. Having failed at my life as an artist, I picked the engineer and his wife, rather than the art teacher, hoping my child wouldn't find art to be the pain it has been to me.

The couple were (and still are) so very nice, and they have a large extended family in the area, and I had the same and loved it when I was a child. So Jason was born (early, 3 1/2 lbs., but apgars of 8 and 10) and I knew he would be OK with these nice people.

The parents were so nice, we stayed in touch by phone, and they sent lots of photos, and when he was 11 months, they brought him up to my town for a visit and to get the quilt I had made for him.

SHirley told me a couple of cute questions that Jason had asked, he wanted to know the name of the "lady whose tummy I came out of" and when he heard it was Sally, he thought for a minute and then said he thought it was a nice name. The the next year, he expressed concern about whether or not I was a homeless person. And we had all agreed way back in the beginning to let Jason decide for himself whether or not he wanted to get in touch with me.

I also thought that it would be better for Jason not to have his loyalties divided and that I would pretty much stay out of his life, except for the phone calls with his amom. I regret that dececion with every fiber of my being. I don't regret the adoption, I couldn't even support myself, I was in no condition, emotionally, financially or spiritually ( my spirirt had been crushed when I couldn't figure out how to make a living as an artist, the thing I had trained for all my life)

When he was about a year old or so I moved back down to LA, and subsequently lived with, then married. It lasted 13 years, and at the end of it, it was a weird feeling to know that after living with me for 13 years, my ex didn't have a clue as to who I was.......we had no children. Jason is the only child I have ever had.

fast forward to the present, this last January. I had lost all my family by now, and was waiting for a tax refund so that I could move back to my beloved northern california. I was nearly broke, but had a nice laptop and I spent day after day in the library, hooked on the internet. I google Jasons name and it kept telling me "Deviant Art" I was looking for him in rock climbing sites cause I knew he was a world class competitive rock climber..... so finally I said to myself, fine I'll check it out .....and there he was.....he had become a photographer, also photographing bands....It is amazing how genes act! he was doing what I was doing 20something years ago.... He is good too!


Well, I promptly joined the site so that I could comment on his work, and leave him a note. I was high as a kite... there were a couple of self portraits and I printed out those and carry those around with me to this day, and I put my favorite on my computer screen so that he's there everytime I turn the computer on. I wrote him a couple of notes and commented on his photos, (said nice things about it but I was specific about what was good about his stuff, not just generic..."nice shot" kind of remarks)


Then I sat back and waited....and waited....and waited....and waited... nothing. The site tells you when your notes have been picked up, so I know that he picked up the first 3 ( they were pretty short ) and then he left the other 3 alone, they're still sitting there, unopened.

From dancing around happy to depths of unhappiness...... I kept asking myself and everyone I ran into ....why, how come he isn't answering????

Earlier this month, I finally found David and Shirleys' email site, and wrote them, (I had no street address) Shirley, bless her heart, didn't leave me hanging, I heard from fer the very next morning.

It was as I suspected, Jason wants nothing to do with me. Shirleys' sister found my name here, and that I was looking for them.....Shirley asked Jason if she could email me and let me know where they were, and he made it very clear that he did not want her to do that.

She told me that the only person that Jason might hate was Bush, he wasn't the kind of person who hated. BUt I have a sneaking suspicion that he said a lot more about what or why he didn't want to be in touch with me, but Shirley is trying to spare my feelings on the subject. It would be the kind of well-bred, gentle and considerant action that she would take.


So that's the story, the basic facts....but there is so much more going on than that, I shall write another time , this story is long enough for now.

I will close with this. I have waited for 24 years to be able to meet him and I have always hoped that we could be friends when he grew up.....And then to find out we shared a love of, and a profession even the same thing in that profession, well I thought that I had hit the jackpot..... we would have so much to talk about. not just the past, but what is going on in his life right now, and in a subject I actually had a fair amount of knowledge about. and then.......to find out that he, in essence, doesn't even want to know where I am and wants to hide from me.......my heart is breaking, I am close to tears, if not actually crying most of the time.

I am having a rough time finding the desire to continue....I have no one left in my family....and you can only talk about your son, the one who doesn't want anything to do with you, for so long with your friends...

The last 5 years of my life have been, well, grim would just about sum it up accurately, this last blow, well, I can be knocked to my knees only so many times before I lose the will to get up anymore. everytime I do, I just get knocked down again as soon as I start to recover a little bit. I'm getting punch drunk.

Anybody got any ideas how I can get through this?

It hurts just as bad as when I lost my sister, then a year and a half later my mother. and I have no more left in me to fight .

[KarynB]

Hi Sally, I am going to bump this up for those who may have better advice or words of wisdom for you than I do. I am an adoptive mom and my heart aches for you. Although I can't know the pain you are in, I can empathize with what you are feeling.

The only thing I can say is that maybe he needs more time to come around - you getting in touch with him may have been a shock. He may have some feelings of anger that he needs to work through first, before he can contemplate a relationship with you. Please don't feel like this is the end of line - it may only be the beginning.

Thoughts are with you...

[bromanchik]

One of the things to remember here is that while you feel like you had an open adoption, he did not. While you had information on him, knew him, he does not consciously know you. It may have well been a closed adoption in his mind. Given all that, I think he might need some time.

You said:
" And we had all agreed way back in the beginning to let Jason decide for himself whether or not he wanted to get in touch with me."

This is a huge decision to place on a child. When did he decide not to have contact with you?

[MaryannsMiracle]

When i searched, my abrother (6 yrs younger than I) had the chance to locate and communicate with his birthmom and he declined. I do know that men really have a tendancy to wait longer than women to search and reunite. It is quite common for men to become interested when they become parents themselves. I wish I could guarentee your son's feelings would be favorable, but all I can say is people's feeling do change as they mature so maybe down the road where your son knows how to get in touch with you,he may just decide to contact you and get to know you. I hope so and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and God Bless,
Maryann

[valleysally]

Hi and thank for reading my letter, I don't know when he decided not to contact me, I put my name up on this site about 2 years ago, so it has been since then that he said he didn't want his a mom to get in contact with me. The reason that I was extra freaked out was that when Shirley and I had talked over the years, when he was young he didn't seem to have any animosity toward me, and frankly, I made a mistake in that I assumed that they would be talking about it as he grew up and that any problems he had with me, Shirley would call me and we could talk about it and iron out any confusion he might have had. I mean I really didn't want him to go through any feelings of rejection from me, I wanted him to know that it was my shortcomings that caused the adoption, if I had had my act together, I wouldn't have had to find a family for him. I wanted him to know all along that I loved him and thought of myself as a member of the family who couldn't for some reason, be around, but loved them all dearly from a distance. And that if he or his parents needed me I would always be there for them. questions, a kidney, whatever he needed. I always intended for us to be friends when he grew up, just didn't want to divide his loyalties as he grew up. I thought it could get hard for David anhd Shirley to be effective parents if I was in the picture too much.

Now I think I made a mistake in that. I should have been sending him birthday cards and christmas cards (and presents whenever I could!) but I didn't know that then, and I didn't have anyone to ask about it and he was born 24 years ago, and "open" adoption was a very new thing at the time and there were no guide lines that I knew about. And I am moderately media savy and paid attention whenever I found something about open adoption, and nothing led me to know what to do. I was just trying to do the right thing , first for Jason, then for his parents, and I came last.

What I didn't know either, was how bad it was gonna hurt, and that, that hurt would grow instead of diminish over the years. and that his rejection now would tear me apart the way it's doing!

I once read that "Birthmother never forget" and OMG it is so true.

[valleysally]

Oh and something else, this is my child, he is a boy, I guess you'd have to say he's a young man now, but we are both artists, and as artists soon find out, we are often more sensitive than most people (OH I don't want to seem insulting to people who are not artists, but I have found over the years that it is true, at least for me and the other artists I have met. it seems to be part of the make-up of an artist, one of the things that drives us to BE artists is that sensitivity, along with the need to create) And I know that right now he is seeing a therapist to help him find his identity, and it's just killing me that I could help with that, I am part of that identity, and the reason I wanted to have an open adoption is that when things are out in the open, when all the truths are known and taken into the situation, it's better. It's better because you're basing who and what you are on the truth and reality, if you deny you're adopted, you are burying a vital truth, denying it doesn't make it not real! Healing can, in my opinion, only take place in the air of complete truth.

If you cheat at school, you might get good grades, but you don't know the material, and boy don't you hope your doctor didn't cheat! it's the reality of the material that is important, thusly when you deny your adoption and figure out who you are, I think that you may very well have some severe trouble down the line, cause you haven't found yourself truely, you have found what you want to find, not what is.

this is why I want to talk to Jason, I think he can put a more solid and true base for his life if he takes me into his account. Genes really do have an effect on your life, and I am the only one who can tell him about his maternal genes. I would love it if we could be friends, but this is more than wanting us to have a relationship; this is the time he is looking for himself and that's where I think it is important for him to know me, then his conclusions are taking all the factors of himself.

Does this make any sense to anyone else?? or am I completely of the mark here???? It is so nice to be able to talk to people who actually are involved in the same kind of situations that I am, I don't know anyone else to talk to. So I really do appreciate the input.

[MaryannsMiracle]

VS,
It makes alot of sense, but you have to realize that in this time of him finding his identity is exactly what it is, and that is, in HIS time, when HE comes to that realization. You are already at a place where you have this recognition, he however may not be there yet. In other words, you have the answers, where he may not have even figured out what the questions are Does that make sense to you. I know for me that looking back even though I grew up knowing my birthmom, I had no idea she was my birthmom. Frankly, I am glad I didn't know because I think I would have been torn as far as knowing where my loyalty was. I know it is easy to say "just be patient", but what other choice do you really have? You say that he is in therapy and that is a good thing, hopefully he will come to realize that you are key in helping him in his quest for identity. I have been around the adoption search/unite arena or quite some time and I can tell you first hand that aside from it being a rollercoaster of emotion, one of the worst things is to push a relationship when one side is not ready. The only PUSH there can be is Pray Until Something Happens, anything else might blow up in your fae nd cuse reentment. Many times I have seen one side say "well they hate or they don't want to know me so I ll take a chance in prematurly pushing to pursue a relationship". More freuent than not, this causes far more damage and pain than if they had waited things out. Again, I will tell you that you will be in my prayers.

Maryann

[tlmerrie]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself? Even if you don't have insurance, I've found that if you look hard enough you can always get some help at a church or free clinic. And I hope that posting at this site will help you too.

I think the advice about finding a way to wait is good. I hope that you can get some help while you wait through this time and realize that what you did is honorable, it sounds like you gave him extraordinary and loving parents. I have a niece that we are adopting. The mother is having her rights terminated involuntarily. I have come to have enormous and deep respect for those people that have made hard decisions to put their children first. You should be very pround of yourself. It doesn't sound to me like you made a mistake in any way. When he has children, he'll begin to see that. And, sadly, being a mother of any kind involves hurt and pain.

Amy

[valleysally]

Thanks for all the support, I know that pushing it at the wrong time could permanently damage any chance of a relationship that we MIGHT have in the future. I have no intention of ruining what might be. It's the "might be" that is tearing me apart. If I KNEW he was going to want to know me in the future, I could wait easily, I have always thought of myself as a patient person. But it's harder to be patient when you don't know what the out come will be.

But as I was reading around here, another very scary question came to mind. Shirley and I have always kept in touch, oh sometimes a long time would lapse, ususally because I was going through a rough time and didn't want to burden her with that, but Jason has since that last time we communicated, (Shirley and I) made it clear that he doesn't want her to.

Now SHirley thinks I have a right to know what's going on with him and we are communicating via email. I told her I don't want her to do anything disloyal to him, but now I wonder, what if he finds out?

I mean I won't push at HIM, but I have always relied on SHirley to let me know how he's doing. Am I going to risk that possible further contact with him by staying in touch with her? and what if he never wants to know me, at least then I know how and what he's doing through Shirley. How on earth can I make that decision????

BUt don't worry about my trying to push yet. It is frustrating to know how much I could help him if he were just open to it. But the thing about helping someone is that he (or she) must want that help! Otherwise, it is just a waste of time.


I am, at present looking for a psychiatrist, mostly because I am in a new area, and was diagnosed with ADD several years ago, and need to have my meds prescribed and I am having other difficulties as well. So I imagine that Jason will be a significant part of the therapy part of my treatment.


I am putting this at the bottom in case it's not allowed....but if it is.....I am looking for a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADD in the San Fransisco Bay area. I'll drive any amount to find such a specialist!

Once again, thank you for your ideas and support. This site has already been a big help for me

[tlmerrie]

I don't live in that area. But I'm glad you're looking for help. I'm sure you'll pose this very same question to your doctor once you locate someone.

Just a thought, but maybe it would be better for you if you and Shirley limited your contact to say, maybe Christmas, Mother's day, or Jason's birthday. Maybe it would be better for you as well as eliminate the difficult situation for Shirley. Knowing too much might be one of the things that is hurting you.

Amy

[txrnr]

I see nothing wrong with continuing your friendship with Shirley. She's an adult, and allowed to have whatever friends she chooses. Shirely obviously feels that your friendship is special enough, and she knows her son well enough to have weighed whatever risks. Don't take on someone elses problems, especially where there may not be any.

Twenty-four is young for a man. He's still trying to find out who he is. He may be discovering who he is outside his parents for the first time, adding another parent may be too much at this point.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I truly hope thinigs will work out for you!

[portlowski]

I just want you to know how much your story has helped me as an amom. I am even more committed to our open adoption after hearing of your heartbreak. I hope and pray your son comes around and that you find peace and healing no matter what happens. but please know that posting your story is very enlightening to adoptive moms like me. It is so important to me that my son always knows and loves his birthmom, and that he recognizes what an important an honored person she is in our family.

As a fellow artist, I would also say don't forget the power of art. Express yourself through your art, reach out to others in your position, and you will find a community of understanding and support.

[JPDakota]

Hi Sally. I read your story with great interest. As an adoptee, there's one thing I'd like to point out. Jason's not wanting contact with you is not necessarily because he holds any animosity toward you. I am completely disinterested in any kind of relationship with any birth family. I don't hate anyone, or blame them or anything like that. I'm just simply not interested. I've had people here on the forums say, "Give it time" to me. I'm 47 and a Mother myself. I just have no desire to walk that path. So maybe Jason sees his life like I see mine. I don't know if that's better or worse for you. I just didn't want you to feel like he blames you for something or hates you when he very well may not. I also doubt he's denying the truth of his adoption. I'm certainly not.
So, this is just a perspective from one and only one adoptee.
I hope you find some peace in this life. St. Paul wrote a lot about contentment being from within. I hope you can find it.

[amyshaw]

Sally, I agree with txrnr. Keep in contact with Shirley. If your son decides later on that he does want to get to know you, I think it will help him to know that you always kept up with him, and his life, even if it was through a third party. It shows how much you care, and that you've never forgotten.

[valleysally]

JPDakota,
What if you found out your birthmom wanted to find you, would you still turn away?