[valleysally]

To PortLowinski
The sad thing for me is that what you're talking about in your relationship with the birthmother of your son, well that's what I thought I had going with the adoptive parents of my son. Maybe they themselves honor me, but it sure looks as if they didn't try to pass that attitude on to Jason.

[JPDakota]

Yes I would.

[JPDakota]

And for the record, my parents never once disouraged me from searching. In fact, they offered to fund a search. They did that for my brother. I just wasn't interested.

[JPDakota]

But Sally, I didn't write that to say that Jason feels how I do. I was just trying to point out that you shouldn't assume that he is angry with you or harbors any animosity. He may very well change his mind. I don't even know him.

[MaryannsMiracle]

JP

I was exactly where you are at when I was 47. Then at almost 49 I needed medical history and I dreaded having to serch. I mean I was really at the point of just doing nothing until a very good doctor friend of mine convinced me that I only needed medical history not a relationship. Well I search, I found and I was shocked. My Nmom was desease by time I searched, but she was someone I knew all my life. All I can say is NEVER say NEVER. I also want to add that even though the possibility of a relationship wasn't there, I realized that I DID have question that I was afraid to ask.


Maryann

[valleysally]

FOr all of you that have taken the trouble to answer me, or to offer solace, or insight, or just to add your 2 cents worth: I thank you. As I have said earliter, it really is a relief to be able to "converse" with people in simialr circumstance to mine, how we react to that situation, now that's what makes it interesting, and oh so human, given any particular situation, the reaction to said situation, well, that will be absolutley different for each person. There's no such thing as being able to "group" people, I think I'm not saying this well, but let me try to put it this way, I sure am getting a kick out of all the differnt reactions my questions are stirring up!

And I am astonished at I think it was Amy who said being a mother always involves pain (I'm assuming there are other things, good things too!) but I hadn't ever thought of it that way, but I think she states an obvious, but oft forgot truth.

The weird thing for me was that when Jason was born, my concern for him and desire for a better future for him than I could provide, well, it was almost entirely cerebral. It was only after he was born and grew as he did, that I discovered a maternal instinct in me. It has caused me a fair amount of unspoken, and until right this minute, un admitted guilt.

That's another reason his current refusal to have anything to do with me hurts so much, I can't help but feel that it's all I deserve somehow. Has anyone out there only discovered a maternal instinct, AFTER their child was born, and the adoption has already been in effect for some months or even years?

When I discover a TV show the last episode it has, or pick up on the latest craze just on its' last legs, it strikes me a funny, but this delay, well it's not so funny, even if, for me, is entirely in character.

Thaat

[tlmerrie]

You do not deserve what you are going through! What you did was very loving. I hope someone who has been through this too can answer your question.

Amy

[kakuehl]

Sally, I reunited with my birthson at when he was 33. He has said that had I found him when he was 18 or even 25, he would not have been open to a relationship. When his parents told him I had contacted them, his dad says he expressed more emotion (negative) to them about his adoption than he ever had. He has not said anything to me, and I often wonder what he really thinks (feels).

Try to look at some of the positives:

First, no doesn't mean never (it may, but it may not!)

Second, you that he is alive and well and you can find him (and view his work... and marvel at the nature/nuture combination).

Third, he can find you if he changes his mind.

Fourth, you can/do have a relationship with his amom. Like the others, I think she has the right to choose to continue to talk with you.

When we place our children for adoption, there is no way we can be prepared for how it will effect the rest of our lives. I used to liken it to a wound that healed over and developed scar tissue. Sometimes the scar is more sensitive than others. (Sometimes the wound is reopened!)

I would suggest that you write him a letter and tell him what you've shared with us. You don't have to send it, but write down everything you want him to know. You may find the act of writing helpful. You could give it to his amom to share with him when she thinks he's ready.

Hang in there: we talk about reunion as a rollercoaster - life after adoption can be that way too.

[valleysally]

I started having trouble w/ my computer on that last posting.....and of course have long since forgotten where I was going...... but this site and talking to all of you kind enough to write me, and then reading lots of old posts.....well, I have been doing quite a lot of thinking.......it's embarrassing to admit, but boy, do I now know what I SHOULD have done for the years since Jason was born......

Not to mention, the interesting idea that bmoms shouldn't be put in the position of having to relinquish their child due to poverty. WHen Jason was born, I was falling deeper and deeper into debt, and despaired of ever being able to find a way to support myself, and I wasn't a kid, I was 32. lots of folks have got that figured out by then! So, when I read about firstmoms who were 16 or 17 I can REALLY understand how they didn't have any choice in the matter. BUt I will always feel bad that I hadn't figured out how to take care of me and Jason. (oh a fast forward footnote, I still haven't figured out how to support myself, it doesn't seem to be a talent I have)


BUt the biggest thing that I have trouble with is how cerebrally I approached the "fact" of Jason back then. I mean, I wasn't exactly cold, but because of my completely horrible situation, (there wasn't anything at all going right in my life before I even knew I was pregnant) I really was teetering on the thin edge of a nervous breakdown at the time. but I found out I was pregnant, and without even taking a breath, I knew that I was going to have to go the adoption route.....so right from the start, I guess I distanced myself from the whole situation.........and being the daughter of an OB/GYN doctor, I had developed a long time held fear, close to a phobia about being afraid of being pregnant and labor and delivery. It terrified me!

BUt I was absolutely serene in my conviction that adoption was the right thing for me, and my as yet unborn child. ANd that serenity stayed with me for many years.......but it was all in my head, that's where I had put it, I never let my heart in on it. It was easy....Jason had so much better a chance at life with the parents I picked out for him.........and so thought I for years.......Oh I still think they are wonderful people who deeply love and care for him, but with what I have been reading lately, I wish I had been bolder in being a bigger part of his life............I am not usually the kind of person who has regrets, I figure that I know I try to do the right thing the best I know how at the time I am in any situation.....but maybe if I had thought it out a little more .......or researched it a little more.........or maybe even if I had tried to think of him more effectively. (I often lost contact with the a parents because I was embarrassed about how badly MY life was going, and I should have remembered that it's not about me, it's about Jason) He's going through therapy right now searching for himself, I can't help but feel, if I had done this better, that he wouldn't be in that position..........I guess my mom taught me the ole "head in the sand" method of dealing with things a little too well........


The thing that keeps suprising me day in and day out for the last 6 months (dating from when I saw him and his work on the deviant art site) is how strong my feelings are. Maybe, it's because he's grown now, and I am taking for granted that he had been bonded with his aparents for many years now, so I couldn't accuse myself of dividing his loyalties. .............I don't know what it is, but I am almost blindsided by these feelings of love and loss, and despair (the fear that he'll never want to meet me or know me at all) ..............I suspect that perhaps they were there all along, but I stifled the bejabbers out of them, until they could no longer be denied.........OOH denial!!! ya think?


I don't know what I am asking here, maybe I just need to say the things that I have been saying in this thread. knowing me, I'll prolly have a few more thoughts on the subject and the uncontrollable urge to write them down.........and they'll prolly be on this thread in the not too distant future....................so thank you all for reading this and bearing with me one this unexpected journey of discovery about a subject that I thought I had under control a long time ago.


Oh here's a thought, my mom didn't ever want to hear about Jason, not once, right up until the year before she died, then she listened when I told her about him..........I was alone and 400 miles away from my family when he was born. and when things go bad for me I tend to, like the crab, whose sign I was born under, retreat deep into my shell, and no amount of poking will cause me to stir from my protective cover. and I had been hiding for more than a year in that shell, so I had effectively cut myself off from my friends too.

It was a dark and lonely time for me that winter in my little cabin on the winter creek, in that little town I lived in...............................

[valleysally]

HI Kathy,

your points are well taken and well spoken (well, written!) and I thank you for reminding me that it could be worse! I just wanted you to know that I have written Jason a letter, no make that 10 maybe 14 letters, he's probably deleted them (have to use email, have no street address) and probably before he read them. He MAY have read the first three short and sort of shell shocked ones I wrote to him on the deviant art site. they were not particularly stellar examples of my unique and I like to think, moderately humourous, and sometimes, dare I say it? evokotive style of writing, no, I saved that for the ones he prolly deleted! those first 3 were giddy and kind of lame sounding, coulda had something to do with my complete and total suprise and stuptification at finding out he was a photographer. BUt if he ever wants to, I do have all those letters......ready to send them any old time he wants them, he has but to crook his little finger and off they go!

and thanks again for your input, it really helped.......

Sally

[Valkyri]

I can't even begin to tell you how much your story moved me. I don't have any advice. Just God Bless You. I hope that one day your heart will dance, your lips will smile, and you will find love again. -Valeri