[Jaeme424]

It's been a very long time since I have posted on the board, things were going so welll.... let me give a little history first-

I gave my son up for adoption in July, 1999 into an open adoption. The APs were so great about sending pictures and whatnot- then when I told them I was engaged they started to weird out a little bit and after my son was born they have essentially been non-existant. It started out as them saying that the arrangement was only supposed to be once a year (which it is suppose to be 2) but they sent so much that I didn't mind- they sent pictures as well as some of his schoolwork- which I cherished sooo much!!! Now I haven't heard from them in over a year and a half!! I'm heartbroken- I have all these questions going on in my head- is he okay, are they ok- what's going on. And worst of all I feel as if I have done something wrong and they are punishing me!! I fully plan on raising my son to know that he has an older brother and eventually (when he can understand) my story, I am extremely open about my situation.

One of the things that confuses me soo much is how "private" they are and have been about things- but he publishes articles about how greatful they are to the BPs of their children and in the articles he sounds so genuine but he cannot keep an agreement. I have NEVER given any kind on inkling that I want my son back- He is soo happy with them and them with him and it would be so wrong to even think about- I can't help but wonder if they are punishing me for having another child but not sending pictures of ours. I've tried looking at this from both sides- but I just don't see any reason why you would break someones heart like this on purpose- and it is on purpose now- if the pics were a few months late- yeah I can see that but A YEAR AND A HALF!! Part of me just wants to grieve and move on but that's not what I want to do- I just want to see what was promised to me- I would have chosen another family if I had known that they didn't really want an open adoption.

I'm sorry- I'm just venting- my poor husband has to hear me when I do this and he doesn't know what to do to fix it other than email him ( I came across his email address from one of the articles he published).

Has anyone had this happen to them so late in the "game" so to speak??

[Mommy24]

Jaeme, I have experienced this as well. I was 7 years into a semi-open adoption with my bson's parents when they just stopped all contact. I have searched for 10 years trying to find out what happened and why they would do such a thing. Finally a few months ago a search angel found them and I have sinced learned that his adad died of cancer and apparently had been fighting it for a long time.

It wasn't right for them to cut off contact like that with no explanation but I can understand that crisis made them come together as a family and take care of themselves and as hard as it was for me they did what they had to do. So maybe there is something going on within their family that has caused things to happen?! Have you tried contacting them again recently?

The fear of the unknown is the worst, I am very sorry you have had to experience this.Feel free to contact me via PM if I can help

[mommy2savanna]

In order for you to open the lines of communication with them, I would say email them and let them know how you feel. I would say something like...I've notice a change/distance in the relationship and I was wondering if we can discuss it, so that any misunderstandings can be resolved. Then express to them what it has meant to you to have them in your life, and how it would hurt to loss that relationship.

I am sure you will find the right words; now just do it. You deserve to know what's going on. Please keep us updated; best of luck to you.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree you should write them. Just be careful to not sound angry or pushy. Just a friendly loving letter asking for more contact.

Also along with it send a couple pictures of you and your family and some updates on how you all are doing.

[Jaeme424]

They do not know that I have their email address- I kinda found it online one day-as well as their address and phone number- which I will never use- I just thought it was funny that I found it- anyways- I sat down with some me time and came up with the following letter- and had my agency send it to them on my birthday 4/24- and I still havent' heard from them- but I have my fingers crossed and if not- then I know one day my son will come looking for me, I'm just getting ready to "grieve" again so to speak... but here's the letter- what do you think?



Dear Jim and Kathy

To start my letter, I hope the New Year and all of last year was very good to you! I have pictured so much going on in your home and hoping that you have simply been to busy to send me anything, not that it makes me feel better, but it is however, better than the alternative thought as to the reason why I have not heard from you. I want you to know that your family is my thoughts and prayers and I pray that everything is okay. I haven't heard from you in so long and I do not understand why. Have I done something wrong? I haven't asked for anything from you… I am trying to understand why I haven't heard from and can't help but feel I have done something wrong why else would you not keep in contact.

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind and I pray that everything in going well in your household. Is Joel okay? Is Zach okay? I hope that everyone is happy and healthy. My heart hurts terribly to think that you would have stopped corresponding on purpose. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that you no longer wish to speak to me and I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts me. I am writing to you today, on my birthday to tell you my birthday wish. I wish that you wouldn't do what my mother predicted you would and stop corresponding. I wish that everything is your household is going well and most of all I wish that you would continue to honor your word. Now my birthday wish being said out loud probably means that it won't come true- but I just really wanted you to know what is going on in my heart.

I have honored your wishes and I have never asked to see Joel except in our agreement. When I chose your family I trusted in you that you honor my wishes. I can't say that I didn't expect this day to come though. Everyone else in my life has let me down or hurt me, why should people that I chose to be a part of my life be any different. I want you to know that I forgive you. I'm sure that whatever reason you have for not honoring me is right in your mind and after speaking with my Pastor about how I've been feeling he suggests that forgiveness be my response, because with forgiveness comes healing. I guess I will just have to mourn over my loss again. The first time was easy because I knew I had things to look forward to in regards to Joel. This time is terrible and heartbreaking and is going to take a long time because I have no idea what the future holds- what you sent me almost a year and half ago will be the only thing left. I forgive you- though I may not understand your actions and reasons- I forgive you.

I pray that God is with you on your journeys through life and that he watches over Joel and teaches him about trust and honor. I would like to again thank you for doing such a wonderful job in raising Joel, I am sure that he turning out to be quite the wonderful child. You may choose not to send me anything anymore, I ask that you don't, please, but you will not be able to ever take him out of my heart and soul.

I guess that I have said everything that I needed to. Please know that there will always be a spot in my heart for your family, you are in my prayers and forgiveness has been given.

Sincerely,
Jaime

[mom2GRLC]

I thought you were going to write them asking to re-connect and develope your relationship again.

Instead what I hear is you placing a lot of guilt on them and then basically saying you forgive them and your going to move on in your life. Like you've already determined they'll never talk to you again. Then you lay the guilt on more implying that they are failing Joel by not teaching him the value of honor and trust. And saying they can take away everythign else from you but they can never take away the love you have in your heart for your son (I don't believe they would ever think thats a possibility.)

I guess I'm just a little dissapointed in your approach. instead of bringing friendship and hope to the table your bringing a lot of guilt and like you've already thrown in the towel.

[InBlindFaith]

I wouldn't send the letter. Rewrite it. Something along the lines of "I hope you are doing well and I'm sure life your life gets pretty busy with the children getting older". Come across as a friend with an understanding of how hectic life can be.

Please don't use guilt in hopes they will respond, you might not get the response you are hoping for.

[timni]

I agree,

As an Amom I think that letter would cause me to pull away not make the effort to comunicate. If you have already sent it. I would call the agency and ask them not to forward it and send a replacement letter.

It is not really necessary for you to express to them how you forgive them even though you think you shouldn't have done so. It is not a good feeling letter IMO

[bajj]

I have to agree. The letter does not need to be sent if at all possible. I think coming across as a friend, as others have suggested, is a much better idea.

[gottahavehope]

I also have to agree as an adoptive mom. The letter comes off as a bit maniuplative in the way in which it seems you are trying to make them feel guilty for not contacting you but claiming all the while to "forgive" them. I also agree that by bringing up honor and trust in regards to your son, you sound very passive agressive. I also didn't like the whole part about how everyone has left you in your life. I don't think playing the victim helps. Still, I know you had the best intentions and I hope you can resolve this and get to learn more about how your son is doing. Is it possible for you to not to send that letter, but to re-send something else?

[j_gruetzner]

Do you still have your final orders? I am having it put in my final orders that I am to have no less than one visit a year and letters at Christmas. More is okay, but anything less and I have legal recourse. So, maybe you could look at your final orders.

[krystabelle]

Darlin', I have to agree... you need to scratch most of the letter. It comes across as accusatory.
I know it's hard and you feel betrayed, but try again.
With love,
Krystal