[PastorStephanie]

I am a 29 year old adoptee in relationship with my firstmom. We have a great relationship, a figuring things out stage (that lasted 8 years) and a very consistant stage for almost two years... several phone call/week and multiple trips to visit back and forth each year, despite the 800 mile distance. We have established a very family oriented flavor to our relationship. (I call her mom, she calls me her daughter, my siblings each call me sister). We do tons of family things together.

My first mom has 4 other children all of whom she raised herself (Ages 32, 26, 11 & 10). She is an amazing mom. The oldest two obviously know that I was reliquished for adoption and that we were not raised together. The youngest two do not understand this. They simply think that I was grown when they were born and off away at college or something!!?? They have drawn their own conclusions based on non-information from my firstmom. I often mention my other family, in casual converstation-which the kids assume is like my stepfamily. The two youngest make comments like, "Don't you remember from when you were going up that _____" or "Did you ever live in this house or were we living somewhere else when you were a kid?"

I have discussed this with my firstmom who admits that she has not explained what adoption really means to them although they may have heard the word "adopted". She does not think it necessary to explain it to the kids as I am "back now". I feel that this is unfair because it makes me look like I abandoned my brother and sister for the first 8-10 years of their lives, with no explaination. Not telling makes me the bad guy. I would NEVER say anything to them that my firstmom does not want said but I do feel cheated and forced to shoulder the burden of my unexplained absense in their lives. I feel like my previous absence is an issue for the kids because they do bring it up- randomly when frustrated with me. I feel like my first mom should have to take responsiblity for this.

Am I being overly sensitive? Should I accpet that I have been welcome back by the family and not worry about the details? What are your fears or hesitations when talking to your children about the child you reliquished?

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by PastorStephanie

Am I being overly sensitive? Should I accpet that I have been welcome back by the family and not worry about the details? What are your fears or hesitations when talking to your children about the child you reliquished?

No. They deserve the truth. If she is not willing to tell them, you do it. Family secrets are lethal. They can kill a relationship.

One has to wonder why she is not willing to deal with the truth.

[quantum]

Hiya Stephanie,

This is a future concern for me, I'm glad you're bringing it up, it helps me to figure out how I'm going to handle this.
Bson is soon 22, and we've been in contact for a couple of months. My daughters are 2 and 4.
I've introduced the concept of Andy. That he's their brother and he lives in America. They don't really get it yet, but I want it to be normal for them.
I also feel that as they get older and start to understand a bit more, I will definately talk about the adoption and how he didn't grow up with me as his mamma.

I guess my biggest fear is that they'll be afraid that I'll relinquish them as well.

What I really want though, is that our whole situation feels normal to them! I wish it was something that could feel normal in general. But that's just me who's feeling frustrated that I don't know who and when I can talk about the whole thing with.

It's hard, I'm sure your firstmom doesn't mean things to be hard for you, it's probably just easier in some ways for her not to say anything.

I don't think you're being overly sensitive! It's hard because maybe in protecting herself and her feelings that she 'abandoned' you (or that her children might interpret it that way), it ends up laying that on you.

I do think that especially since you're 'back now' she needs to explain the adoption thing to the younger ones. Have you told her that you've been feeling the pressure that they feel you've abandoned them? Maybe she hasn't thought about that aspect.

Good luck!

[SadMother]

No I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I didn't have other children but if I had I would have wanted them to know the truth. Children can ask awkward questions so in a situation like this I feel it is best to be honest - in a way it's almost like living a lie.

[Mandie moo]

Stephanie,
I believe it is best for your first mom to tell the children her story from the beginning, the years in between, living without her daughter and then how building a new relatioinshiip has been with you has been. Children eventually learn the truth and usually know when something is hidden from them, trust can be broken if children are not told, it could cause them to withhold important situations from their mom, when they may need her advice the most.

I think a good talk to your mom about how you feel is the best way to start. Also you could share your life experience with your siblings as well. I think adoption seperation education to the younger ones will be of great importance.

Have you talked with your older siblings, have they feelings to share with you. I imagine that they must have lived their whole lives wondering about you as well, I imagine that they have suppressed feelings that might need letting out. As we all know, adoption involves all members, not just mother's and their placed child. Its good to hear that your relationships are strong ones. May I ask you, did you and your first mom, go through many pull backs. Are there things that you feel could have made your relationship closer, stronger in the first years of reunion. Are there things that you feel that your first mom did you cause a drift between you both. thanks in advance for any response to these questions.

Good luck
mm

[SuddenlySusan]

...to have your first mom tell the story from beginning to end, for everybody. That sure makes sense, and allows everyone to get their questions answered. Maybe a round or two of joint counseling with you and your first mom might be beneficial.

There is only a 3 and 6 year difference between my bson and my other children I raised, who also knew about bson. So, my personal experience doesn't include this particular issue.

I understand that there are some good children's books available that discuss adoption, although I'm not personally familiar with them. Would your first mom object to your reading these books with your sibs? I still like the idea of your mom gathering everyone together for a story time...

Peace,
Susan

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by quantum

I guess my biggest fear is that they'll be afraid that I'll relinquish them as well.

It's hard, I'm sure your firstmom doesn't mean things to be hard for you, it's probably just easier in some ways for her not to say anything.

Have you told her that you've been feeling the pressure that they feel you've abandoned them? Maybe she hasn't thought about that aspect.

Yes, we have had the discussion about how this all makes me feel. She is totally aware of the pressure that it is putting on me but feels helpless to address it! It is definately a situation where it is MUCH easier for her to do nothing. She says exactly what you said, that her greatest fear is that the youngest ones will feel that they could be abandoned as well. I get that. I don't know how to "fix" it and I certianly do not want my little brother and sister feeling vulnerable... even if it means making things harder on me. I told her that if she truly feels that the children would be harmed by filling in the gaps of the adoption story, at this time, I don't want her to do it.

But I guess, I don't think it would be as bad as she thinks it would be... and dark secerts have a way of coming to light! I sorta want her to take up for me on this one instead of "abandoning" me to solve it myself! Plus I am concerned that my little brother and sister will be angry AT ME when the whole story finally does come out! That they will blame me for not filling in the gaps rather than feel like it was mom's job to explain the whole truth. Again, I think that the responsiblity of making things right is going to fall on me!

If it were up to me, I'd sit them down and start from the beginning with as much of the story as is age appropraite but my firstmom has made it clear that she does not want me to fill things in for them. I feel trapped between my loyalty to her and knowing that they will likely hold me responsible later on...

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by Mandie moo

Have you talked with your older siblings, have they feelings to share with you. I imagine that they must have lived their whole lives wondering about you as well, I imagine that they have suppressed feelings that might need letting out.

May I ask you, did you and your first mom, go through many pull backs. Are there things that you feel could have made your relationship closer, stronger in the first years of reunion. Are there things that you feel that your first mom did you cause a drift between you both. thanks in advance for any response to these questions.

MM, I have had VERY honest conversations with my older siblings on these issues MANY times! We do not hold much back when it comes to the discussion of growing up apart. Much healing has come from these heartfelt talks. We all expereinced a profound loss because of our seperation and are quick to share stories and fears and longings. Just today, I was talking with my bsister and she said, "There are three days of my life before you came home that I would give anything to have had you there... They are the day I graduated from high school, the day I found it I was pregnant with my son and the day he was born!" We say everything to each other about this kind of stuff.

As for your other questions, yes my bmom and I went through MANY pullbacks. Things were very up and down for those first 8 years. I was 18 when we were first reuniting... graduating from high school, moving off to college, figuring out so many things. She was married and my youngest siblings were just babies. Both of us were terrified... I was afraid she'd leave me again (and would run away whenever I thought she was about to do that). She was afraid she was totally unworthy and had no right to be involved in my life (and she would pull away and hide whenever she left herself getting attached).

It was very difficult. We would talk for a few months and then disappear... then a year later talk again... may be visit and then not speak for a year (even though the visit went well). This pattern continued for years. What finally changed things for us was I called her and said, "I want you in my life. I need you in my life. I am only going to do this one more time... if you leave me again, I am never coming back. I need you to promise me now that you are in this! That you want this." We promised each other, no running away and we haven't!

You ask what my firstmom could have done early on to stablize things... without a doubt, for me: Stake a claim. Tell me that she wants me. Tell me that she needs me. Tell me that she missed me. I always wondered how she felt and if I had known how deeply she loved me I would not have "run" to protect myself. What caused the drifts between us? When I was afraid, I needed her to be the adult and chase me down and reassure me. She was afraid to and instead she just let me ago each time. For me that was the worst thing. I didn't need space... I needed her to find me. She was always giving me time and space because she felt she didn't have the right.

[quantum]

I have to say though, even though I'm afraid they'll fear that I'll give them up as well, it IS important to have them understand what happened!

That's a GREAT idea for story time! If anyone knows of any children's books available, please let me know! I live in Sweden so it's difficult for me to check out English children's books, and since I haven't told my parents yet about my search and contact with 'the child I was to forget ever happened' I can't exactly ask them.

Even better idea, if there are no books, I'll write one!

[kune]

Stephanie
While I can definitely appreciate your concern regarding your two younger siblings, reunion between bmom and child/adult is, IMHO, all about the two parties finding a way to integrate their now past with their now family.

I have discussed this with my firstmom who admits that she has not explained what adoption really means to them although they may have heard the word "adopted". She does not think it necessary to explain it to the kids as I am "back now". I feel that this is unfair because it makes me look like I abandoned my brother and sister for the first 8-10 years of their lives, with no explaination. Not telling makes me the bad guy.

If it has an impact on the younger ones, I am surprised the older siblings have not either explained it to them, or urged Mom to do so.

I feel like my first mom should have to take responsiblity for this.

Stephanie - I don't think anyone in reunion should haveto do anything they feel uncomfortable doing. Mom has her own reasons (fear) - and maybe she is not ready to talk about adoption with the younger ones yet. Whatever .......,they are her children and the way she parents should not I believe, be questioned. (I must add here that I'm probably older than your mother and my take is possibly a little old fashioned in today's world.)

I have read many of your postings and think your reunion is beautiful - close and sincere, especially with your older siblings. It's what most adoptees searching dream of and most firstmoms hope for. I hope you count your many blessings and accept that no two adults agree all the time. The different personalities and wills of each always cause tensions. It's how well you manage these little bumps that show the measure of your love for each other.

Regards
Ann

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by kune

Stephanie - I don't think anyone in reunion should haveto do anything they feel uncomfortable doing. Mom has her own reasons (fear) - and maybe she is not ready to talk about adoption with the younger ones yet.

I do not agree with this at all. This is about a mother keeping secrets from her children. It is about creating, albeit by default, a false story about Stephanie's history in the family. It is a lie. It is not the truth.

As parents we do uncomfortable things for our children's benefit all the time. We get over our discomfort or fear to do the right thing. Her sisters deserve the truth. Stephanie deserves to have her truth be part of the real family history.

[lonni]

EEEW, this is not good. It is time for someone to explain.Tell Mom she has 2 weeks or you will explain gently yourself. Secrets are "LIES" all grown up.

[mommadscience]

Kids take things in. . . good, bad, and indifferent. I believe it's all in the way you as the adult approach it. You aren't comfortable, you're mom's not comfortable, and until everyone can be truthful life won't be comfortable.

Talk to her again. Tell her how important this it to you and keep telling her until you get her to understand how much this means to you.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[SuddenlySusan]

...I have found much healing and great advice in several books. The first book I read, more by accident rather than any planned reading list, was "The Girls Who Went Away." It helped me to understand my own situation and allowed me to grieve my loss. The second book I read, after seeing it mentioned on this web site so often, was "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide." I wish I had read this book BEFORE my reunion, but thankfully I haven't messed things up too much so far. Glad to have read it at this point, however.

The third book I've been reading is "The Primal Wound." I noted all the warnings in various threads here about how painful this book is to read for bmoms. Well, I'd have to say that understanding possible situations for adoptees hasn't been as hard to deal with as it was dealing with my own pain and secret past. What I have had to do is to heal myself, first and foremost, and I have had to learn to do that without inflicting my pain upon my son. This is *my* stuff -- he has his own.

One of the things that "The Primal Wound" talks about, in the chapters regarding reunion, is that it is up to the parent to be the adult, no matter how old the adoptee is. My son is an adult at age 36. However, I am the "mom" and therefore the adult in this situation. It is my responsibility to "straighten up and fly right" so to speak. That I still have a few lingering issues and fears is secondary to the comfort of my son. That I needed to reassure the son I raised that he would not be replaced by his new brother is my responsibility to deal with, not my bson's. I acknowledge that this is a different issue than the one you are dealing with, Stephanie, but the point is that the adult/mom needs to step up to the plate and do the difficult work of parenting.

I have asked all of my closest friends and family members to read these books, and have begun providing copies for them. That way, we can all go through this unique process together, and the fact that we do this brings us closer to each other. Stephanie, have you and your older sibs done any reading on the reunion process? How about your mom? I know that books aren't the panacea for all things, but short of group counseling, they can be quite effective. Consider it to be a family book group of sorts...

Just my thoughts...for what they're worth...
Peace,
Susan

[SadMother]

I've read The Girls Who Went Away as well which made me cry but I'm glad I read it and Coming Home To Self is good too.