[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by kune

Stephanie - I don't think anyone in reunion should haveto do anything they feel uncomfortable doing. Mom has her own reasons (fear) - and maybe she is not ready to talk about adoption with the younger ones yet. Whatever .......,they are her children and the way she parents should not I believe, be questioned. (I must add here that I'm probably older than your mother and my take is possibly a little old fashioned in today's world.)

I would never force my bmom into anything. Nor would I do something to affect my bsibling that I know my bmother disagrees with. Ultimately, it is her call. I am stating that I am hurt that she makes one that hides the truth. I do not believe it is right (as some have encouraged) to address the problem myself knowing she prefers me to leave the issue alone.

I am only trying to understand what would motivate or drive a bmom to hesitate to tell the truth at this stage of th relationship...

[plaintruth]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

No. They deserve the truth. If she is not willing to tell them, you do it. Family secrets are lethal. They can kill a relationship.

One has to wonder why she is not willing to deal with the truth.

When you are ready to tell them, it will happen.

I had to tell my two sons that I had a choice forced upon me. I was told to give their brother up, or I would not be able to keep them. What kind of choice is that? I did what I could only think of to do at the time. I gave their brother up for adoption. Had I been as mature and unafraid then, as I am now, that would have never happened, and I would not have had to tell my sons anything.
I told my 2 sons, whom I had prior to having the son I "relingushed". They have known about their brother for a very, very long time. They had questions then, and as they got older. So did I for that matter (smile). We became even closer because we talked about their brother. They even had good ideas on how to deal with the separation, for them and for me. It was a good idea for us, but may not be for all.

I am glad that they know. Secrets are hard to keep and honesty in a family is much better for me.


God go with you in your time of need and answers.

[kune]

Stephanie
I may not have made my intent clear on the prior post. I can see that you are baffled by your bmom's resistence to telling the younger ones, but I also saw that she explained it to you by intimating she was afraid of what they would think of her. That speaks volumes of how she views herself. I read it as her saying she is still ashamed of giving her child to strangers because she was unable to parent. I too feel/felt that same shame.

In reunion it is not so poignant but traces still remain despite having my bson in my "now" life. It shaped me (in how I lived my life for 33 years) and so it's now that small vulnerable part of me that re-surfaces every now and again. It's just really hard to put yourself on the line and explain what you did and why.

My bson was a secret until he found me. My 26 & 28 yr old were appalled that I had kept him a secret from them. I knew it was wrong, but for years just couldn't bring myself to share my shame with them. So...I can understand your Mom's reluctance. I don't think it's right but I can see her reasoning.

I feel for you because I also saw how much hurt I inflicted on my own children/adults. And their anger with my secret created a temporary barrier for them to really connect with their brother.

Like Plaintruth said.....it will happen someday. The day I "outed" myself was so scary but so healing. To finally tell them allowed me to live in my own reality and start to forgive myself.

I hope your bmom finds it in herself to do the same.

Ann

[SuddenlySusan]

... your words touched me...

Thanks,
Susan

[PastorStephanie]

Kune, thanks so much for clarifying! Your thoughts really aided me in interputing what my bmom might be thinking and feeling. I appreciate you being so honest.

I think I want so desperately trying to be fully accepted FOR ALL THAT I AM, secert and reliquished and seperated is a part of me... a broken, sad part, but a part of my history and thus my present. It feels unfair to pretend that the adoption and seperation never happened because it did and it dramaticly shapes the person I am and the way I feel and respond... Everyone's responses have helped me to at least understand where she is coming from and that is healing.

[PastorStephanie]

I have another question for first mom's. My bmom often says that she would reliquish me all over again if she were faced with the same choice. She says she is confident she made the right decision and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. She states, "You are a well adjusted, relatively happy human being, who is making a difference in the world... why would I change that?!"

I don't want to be "unadopted" either. I had an amazing childhood and great afamily but being reliquished was the most painful part of my life history. Hearing a person who loves me explain that they would do something all over again that they know created so much anxiety and hurt seems confusing. Can anyone shed any light on the thoughts and motivations of such a statement?

[Mil]

That's really a tough question. My son is wonderful. And he is what he is because of his aparents and how he was raised. But to say I'd still make that choice.......I don't know.

That's food for thought.

[quantum]

Originally Posted by PastorStephanie

I have another question for first mom's. My bmom often says that she would reliquish me all over again if she were faced with the same choice. She says she is confident she made the right decision and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. She states, "You are a well adjusted, relatively happy human being, who is making a difference in the world... why would I change that?!"

Please don't take that statement too harshly! I think it's more about verifying the decision she made.
I think it's something that I've thought, but I don't think I should share that with bson.
I also must admit that making contact with him HAS made me rethink that decision and wonder and wish...it's hard. So it's like I HAVE to believe I did right, because that can't be changed.

Hope that made sense!

((((((HUGS))))))

[kune]

Stephanie
We all need to stand in our own reality. Your birthmother (and I) for whatever reasons, did something that goes against all mothering instincts - we gave our child away.

The era was strict and unaccepting - as were parents, church and society. Family errors reflected on the whole family. Sex before marriage was sin. And those who sinned needed to be punished. The authorities told your bmom (and 1,000's of others) that they could make amends for their bad decisions by making a good decision for their child- adoption. And that they could place the child, move on with their lives, and never look back.

Some Moms pushed the boundaries and kept their child, but they didn't continue with their education - schools didn't want "bad girls" returning to school and mixing with the good girls, and there was no welfare to pay for accommodation or baby necessities - most remained in the family home and were ostracised by the community and their family members. Chances are they were also exposing their child to the same dogmatic influences inherent in that era. (I know I would never have wanted my mother to instill in my child the same values that I was expected to adhere to).
That was my first reason for placement

I was only 2 years out of boarding school and knew that I needed to finish my studies and make a good career choice. And grow up.
I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again. The father had offered to marry me (that would have been acceptable to my parents!!) but I had no idea of what sort of a father or husband he would make. I'd known him for 4 months prior to the pregnancy, and wasn't prepared to marry a man I hardly knew. By choosing adoption I didn't need to marry a stranger. (No ability to provide for the child, and not wanting to continue relationship with the father).
Second and third reason

Originally the father had asked me to have an abortion. I made the appointment and turned up at the back-street clinic (abortions were not legal then) but couldn't go through with it as they could detect a heartbeat and I heard it through the stethescope.

Final reason - I was out of options.

I too believe it was the best decision at the time and in the circumstances. Would I like to go back to that time and change my mind? Yes ..but that's a wish...something in Never, Never Land....not possible 36 years later.

I had a plan - to finish my studies - to find a husband, and to have a baby. I vowed that I would be the best mother to my children and would protect them from ever being in that vulnerable place. Within 2 years of his birth, I married my husband, and 2 years later I was a mother. I had joined the workforce, had a family of my own complete with mortgage, a 2nd job in the evenings for extra income, and a head/heart that was still mourning his loss but believing that he would be with a loving family who cherished him and allowed him to be his own person.

Had I not placed my son, I would not be the person I am today. To not place would negate what I needed to do to grow up and find who I was. I'd need to erase the fantastic man I married, and the two preceeding children.... Good men did not marry sole mothers - they didn't meet them.... unless at church maybe. Single mothers were at home - their parents wouldn't baby-sit while they went out and socialised!!!! Good heavens - they coud get pregnant again!!!

I once told my bson after reunion that I relinquished him for selfish reasons. I did it for me. I also thought he needed the two parent family and the loving, financially secure home, but I never once considered the negative aspect adoption would have on his life. Until I read a few reunion books and these threads, I never knew many felt abandoned and worthless. I have known three adoptees and the impression I had was they felt chosen, but not intimately connected. I never attributed that to feelings of abandonment - until reunion. While I was ingrained in my own loss, I had not at any time given thought to him going through the same. Now that's selfish

Stephanie - I went on to have a good life. I have everything today that I need. Bson was thought of every day and being in reunion with him has been one of my most defining moments. Throughout the 33 years I integrated his spirit (for want of a better word) into my everyday life. I lost my father and Nana as a teenager, and somehow I put bson in the same place - not with me in body but very present in spirit. When I cried at the birth of my No 2 son, the tears were bitter-sweet. I was crying for what I lost as much as I was crying for joy because I held another child in my arms. When No 2 son walked, I wanted to tell him he had a brother that could run. I silently celebrated his birthdays and ticked off the years until he was 21.

I expected him to search around that age, and when nothing happened I told myself he had a life that was whole and fulfilling and he didn't need to know me..... that adoption had given him everything as promised by the Social Worker. 12 years later I found that he had the best of families, but they were different. He loves them wholeheartedly, but has always felt the differences.

He thought that finding his birthfamily would let him know who he really is. And it has to a certain extent. But it has also complicated his sense of self too. I keep telling him he's unique - he tends to look for commonalities. He loves his siblings, but is guilty about how his a/sister feels. I have met his parents and have ongoing contact. I think we have something very special in common and we can both make G****'s life richer by being in contact. Collectively we are family. My 2nd son and daughter have added spouses to the family mix, and 2 grandchildren so I tell everyone to bunch up and make room for all - it hasn't finished yet.

Has any of this helped? Can you understand your bmom's comment about doing it all again - in the same circumstances? In a nutshell, like me, I assume she did the best she could do with the life skills she possessed at the time, and bought into the rhetoric of the Social Worker that her decision was in her child's best interests.
Its possible she didn't want you brought up in a family mired in shame and guilt, and that now she can offer you her open arms and unconditional love, where before, she felt she had nothing to offer except a life that was bereft of pleasure and opportunity.

This is longwinded - I've got carried away. I want for you to take all the best that is on offer and to rationalise there are parts of your birthmother you will never understand because you haven't shared the same life experiences. It's like taking a spouse and finding that there are things that annoy or sting your sensibilities, but you learn to overlook the small hurts and work on the heartfelt stuff. Reunions are IMHO a work in progress. You are never going to complete it but you have a lifetime to try and work it out.

Ann

[PastorStephanie]

Mil and Quantum, thanks for pointing out that while it may be true that it is not personal!

Ann, thank you so much for taking the time to explain everything in such detail! Your thoughts really impacted me. I cannot even explain how deeply I welcomed your explaination and advice! You are right, my reunion is a beautiful thing and I need to learn to overlook things. I take everything to heart and that is not neccessary. Even your tagline, "Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for..." really drives home your point. I appreciate your perspective very much.

Your point concerning "never wanting to feel that vulnerable again" hit me between the eyes. I never considered the relquishment of her child as a possible rallying point that drove my bmom forward to be the amazing woman she is today... but I bet it is as you explained. Another poing that you made that really reasonated was your vow to be the best mother for the other children you would have... I see that in my bmom and I never thought that my adoption may have played a positive impact on that- I only thought, "See, she was a good mom!" Amazing.

I was also shocked to hear that many bmoms of that era were unaware of the emotional impact of adoption on their child. Since I have lived with those feelings it seemed obvious to me. I assumed she knew and understand those feelings would be the after affects of her decision. It is strangely comforting to hear that it is entirely possible that she had no idea. It makes the whole thing less personal.

I am blown away by how helpful talking to people from other perspectives can truly be! It is incredible and healing to just express the thoughts and feeling and invalueable to gain insight from one another. Thanks everyone!

[kune]

Stephanie
Almost every bmom I know has told me they too have tried to do everything possible to be the "best parent they could be". Maybe we needed to show otherd (or in my case myself) that we had learned from our errors and we were capable of a lot more than other's believed we were.

Ann

[leakaye]

PastorStephanie,
I think that the little kids will soon find out from their older siblings. Unless your Bmom has told them not to tell the little ones.
I think making a big deal about this may disrupt your relationship and you should just let things go.
It's not the end of the world that they don't know. They will soon find out, and sure, they will, but you are right, it is not your place to tell them. They are your bmom kids, not yours.
They are only children, and children ask questions. Don't lie to them, but when they ask questions about their past and if you lived with them, simply say your honost answer. And leave it at that. If they begin to ask more questions, then their mother will know it's time for them to find out.
I would leave things for now. Don't upset your bmom. You are lucky to have her back! She is lucky to have to you back! Don't upset that beautiful relationship!
Hope this helps.

[SuddenlySusan]

Stephanie, there is only one person who can answer your question about your bmom's statement, and that is your bmom. We can make suppositions, and that is all. I'd guess that perhaps she is very proud of you and who you have become. Maybe she has doubts about her parenting skills, and feels that if she had raised you that you would not be "who you are." So, could it be that is her way of telling you that she accepts who you are and that she wouldn't want to change that because she loves who you are? Maybe if you are able to talk to her about this a bit more, you will understand where she is coming from.

There are some of us who would make the same choice, and some of us who would not, and our circumstances vary greatly. I feel comfortable saying that in the year 2007, at age 19 and with the same variables -- unwed, etc. -- I would choose to parent my child. If, in 1971, I had known the effects of relinquishment on myself and the effects of adoption on adoptees, I might have had the courage to stand up to societal expectations and judgment and made the decision to parent my first born son. But, we cannot travel back in time with the hindsight we have gained, we can only move forward in knowledge.

Knowing what I know at this point in time, I have fully supported my daughter's pregnancy and parenting of her first child, and my first grandchild, even though she is without a partner. She has plenty of "significant others" in her extended family, including her father's family. It takes a village to raise a child, and she has a whole village behind her.

(((HugsForStephanie)))
Peace,
Susan

[Mandie moo]

Hi stephnie, Sorry I've been away and am only now catching up.
After reading all the post, I realised to, that your bmother no doubt is more afraid than she even realises about telling the boys about placing you for adoption. I also believe that many mothers hang on to " they would do it again" because I think they have to believe it themselves in order to live with that decision made, that's my opinion and a few other moms I've talked to.

Your bmother may have years of healing ahead of her. Have you both taken any time to spend together, maybe a night or two just the both of you, it may be time to talk and I agree the book the girl's who went away is a book that she really should read.

Thank you for responding to my questions. By the way, my grand children don't know completely that my daughter was adopted by other parents, they do know that I didn't raise her. I myself don't feel ready to say anything to them either. I agree the shame of allowing or not fighting hard enough for my child, will cause shame to surface at times.
Take care
mm

[PastorStephanie]

Hey Everyone! Just wanted to add my heartfelt thanks for all your advice and insight into my situation. It is so meaningful to talk through issues like these with others who can understand.

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

If, in 1971, I had known the effects of relinquishment on myself and the effects of adoption on adoptees, I might have had the courage to stand up to societal expectations and judgment and made the decision to parent my first born son. But, we cannot travel back in time with the hindsight we have gained, we can only move forward in knowledge.

This is such a great truth! Nothing can be undone and everything we figure out is just an assumption made with the advantage of hindsight. One thing I am learning is the importance of understanding my bmother's decisions and actions in the context of history and the culture of the times... rather than through the lens of the way things are now!

The disappointment of my bmom's decision to not tell my bsibilings the whole truth at this time has relaxed over the last week. Truth will come out some enough. I am confident that she loves me and her current actions are based on her fear and her insecurities but are not a reflection of her feelings for me.