[KateyKat]

In 2000 I was pregnant and had an eating disorder. Those two don't mix. I went to (edited for ADG violation - please see this link for more information). They are a Christian center that take girls ages 13-28 who have eating disorders, drug abuse, sexuality issues, and unplanned pregnancy. Awesome place. I decided on an open adoption and I thought I found the perfect family. We had open adoption. I had a few visits and got pictures fairly often. Now there hasn't been contact for a few years. The agency said it isn't the right time. I need to get back into recovery and I need to be able to emotionally handle being in contact. It is not having contact that is making me so upset. They are going against what was agreed upon. I can understand not having a visit. All I want now is a picture. But that is too much to ask for. She doesn't even have to know I have it. I know I made the best choice for my daughter but it still hurts. I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I am starting to cope in harmful ways. I don't see a way out.

[mom2GRLC]

My advice would be to take your health and your life into your hands first. If not only for yourself to prove to them that you are stable healthy and able to maintain an open adoption. Seek whatever medical help you need as well as go to a therapist to help you work through some of your feelings about your life,and the circumetances around your daughter and her adoption.

Don't wait for things to hit rock bottom before you make those changes in your life. Choose to make them NOW for yourself and for your child. Even if you don't have contact with her now, I'm sure you will at one point at least when she is older....and you and she will be better off because of the choices you make today...of getting the help you need.

It's hard to make those first steps, but I'm sure you'll be so happy when your back on track and feeling better about yourself and your life and your daughter.

They're probably not going to offer contact to you again hoping it will make you feel better and seek help. Most likely it will take you making that effort and proving to yourself and them that you can handle(life in gernal) and on top of that an open relationship with them.

I'm sorry your going through such a rough time.

[SchmennaLeigh]

While I don't agree with how the previous poster stated her advice, some of it is spot on.

You can't rely on the adoptive family at this point. They've made that clear. Unfortunately, they can't or won't follow through with their agreement. You can either let that destroy you, which seems like the only option some days, or you can build yourself up so that when your child does find you, you can show her that you made something of yourself. More over: Don't do it to prove it to the adoptive family or to get them to open the adoption. Don't do it to even rub it in their faces when your daughter discovers that you are an amazingly strong and wonderful mother and human being. Instead, do it for yourself so that you CAN be around when your daughter finds you. So you can be healthy and able to live those years of reunion with your child. So you can watch her grow from that point, into womanhood. So you can experience those days.

Hang in. Hang on.

[mom2GRLC]

Schmenna I'm only speaking from my experience.

In my experience I've had to slow down contact or put contact on hold for my children/family. Based on problems we were having that affected our open adoption. That didn't mean I wasn't reliable...or couldn't be trusted. What it meant was that I wasn't able to open the relationship like I had hoped to without seeing improvment on the birthmothers side first, in order to make the contact we hoped for beneficial.

I have no clue WHY the adoptive parents in this situation choose to disctoninue contact at this time, but it's obvious by the response she got...that their is concern about her health and mental status and her ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

So I agree that first and foremost she should make whatever changes she needs for herself.....but also the situation is UNLIKELY to change if they don't see her making those first steps in helping herself.

I guess part of my attitude also comes from being a fosterparent. Too often I see parents refusing to make thsoe changes in their life....and blaming those problems they have on the fact that their children aren't with them....when infact the problems existed before the child was taken away. And the ONLY way these parents ever had a chance of getting back what they had lost was by takign those steps they needed to in their life....and fixing themselves before they could fix the relationhsip that they lost with their child.

If the OP does make those changes in her life and seeks counceling. Even if they never open up contact again at least she can say to her child someday that she did make those changes in her life not only to better herself but also for her child and seh was still denied the relationship she had planned to have with her.

But you can't put all that on the adoptive parents(as saying they can't be trusted) when the choice they made probably wasn't done out of spite or to hurt the birthmother....but to protect the child and hopefully to improve the relationship(when that relationship could be re-established).

[taramayrn]

Katey (I think I know you from elsewhere) - I'm sorry the adoptive parents have closed the adoption. I am really sorry. I would also encourage you to get your health and life in order. I know you have struggled for a long time with your health, maybe this is a sign that this is the time you need to focus on your recovery. I hope the adoptive parents will see that you are no harm to your daughter or them and that you are working towards a healthy life for yourself. I hope once they see that they will reconsider reopening the adoption.
(((HUGS)))

[Mommy24]

Katey(((hugs))) I can relate to some of what you are going through. My bson's parents closed our adoption back 10 yrs ago without any notice and no reason given to me. He is now 16, I have located them and his dad has passed away, I have sent a letter to his mom and I am now awaiting a reply. I still don't know why they cut off contact I am now assuming that it may have had something to do with his dad's illness.

With all of that said, I decided many years ago that I could continue to grieve the loss of contact and let it eat me up and tear my family apart OR I could pick myself up and be the best person I could be for him, my other children and myself. I knew that if I stayed on the same path that I was on it would only lead to destruction of myself and thats not "who" I wanted him to find someday (God Willing that he does want to know me). I wanted to be someone he could be proud of, someone he could get to know and realize that when life handed me lemons I made lemonade (I know, I am lame LOL) it isn't an easy road, there are lots of bumps along the way, but you have found an incredible group of supportive women here, lean on us, cry with us, rejoice.

God Bless you and if you ever need a shoulder feel free to contact me