[quantum]

I'm a bmom who gave up her bson in a closed adoption 22 years ago.
With making contact and reading these pages I just have to ask the questions, why can't this be easier?
The choice of adoption.
I KNOW that I did the right thing, I was 18, freshman in college, what kind of life could I have offered my son? Fortunately, it WAS the right choice. He has a fantastic family and has had a great life. He holds nothing against me and I am so grateful for that.
Finally! I have some piece of mind.
But why did it have to be such hell when it happened?
Why have I felt like it's socially unacceptable for me to talk about the choice I made?

It's weird. It's certainly ok to be adoptive parents, it's certainly ok to be an adopted child, but whenever in my life I've mentioned that I'm a birth mother, people look uncomfortable, change the subject, never mention it again.

Just my thoughts for the day!

[InBlindFaith]

(((quantum)))

I wish I had the answers for you. Sometimes it seems easy, sometimes it doesn't. I'm trying to patiently wait for the time to be right with DD...it's not easy. While I am waiting I started coming out of that closet I was thrown into. To my surprise the times have started changing. First I would get uncomfortable looks, but when I didn't hang my head in shame, those looks turned into looks of comfort. When they tried to change the subject I would tell them I needed to talk about it. What I started finding were other Birthmoms who were told they should never speak of it. Or I would find women who chose the other option and they regetted the descision.

Being selective with the people I came out of the closet to became my therapy. I was letting go of a secret and I was finding other women who walk in my shoes too. It finally got to a point I would casually throw it out in conversation. I have gained strength, built a wonderful Support System and found some great friends. I have also learned to understand and have compassion for all sides of the triad.

For me, the hardest part is trying to remain patient. I wish there was a magic wand we could wave and make everything wonderful, but maybe it's the hard parts that teaches us.

oh dear....did I go completely off of your topic? Sorry!!

More big (((HUGS)))

[browneyes0707]

Quantum:

You are not alone. I placed at the same age, I feel the same way about my adoption experience. I was also treated the same way when I first placed my those who knew, including the birthfather. I look back on it now, and it bothers the heck out of me too, why if I chose to talk about it why it would make those around me uncomfortable. As a result, it became my deep dark secret, and it also contrubuted to my closing what was an open adoption.

Now I'm trying and struggling to get it out in the open. And it does bother me why it has to be so hard. Because it really didn't have to be this way. But you can't go back, KWIM??

JustFeel free to vent and share here. We'll listen !!!

[katlyn]

((quantum))...I understand your pain. I had to hide my pregnancy and my adoption from my mom's aunts and uncles. However, I didn't hide it from anyone else, I felt like I had no reason to be ashamed or to feel like I was a "bad" person for what I did. In my mind like you, I did what I knew I had to do, what I felt was the right thing to do. I was a little younger than you, and I must say that without the support of my mom, my younger sister and my brother...I don't know how things might have been. I'm sure two and a half years of therapy also helped me to deal with and to not feel as if I had to hide my pregnancy and the relinquishment of my DD. I actually feel as though I am daring someone to question my decision, just so I can let them have it.... Yes, that's probably not the best way to be, but I don't feel anyone who has never been in my shoes should have the right to judge me. I am currently in the process of a reunion with my DD, we are talking via mail messages, and it's a rollercoaster ride, but it's going smooth and I'm happy with what I have. She's a happy, smart, and wonderfully talented young woman, which just makes me even more certain that the decision I made was the right one. I wish you the best and hope that you find peace, PM me if you ever need to vent .

[cravalynn]

You have no need to be ashamed, as you said you did what was in the best intrest of your child..! I am very proud of what choice i made for molly..The other options were not looking promising...Keep your head up! The more you talk about it, the better off you are! It took me years to learn this. Hang in there we are all here for you..
Cravalynn

[quantum]

Wow! Thanks everyone!
:-)
I am doing pretty ok with things right now. It's helped me so much to find my bson, to see how happy he is in his life! To see that he has the life I wanted him to have!
I just want to tell people.
I'm not ready to tell my parents though (because of the whole proceedings).
I moved to where I live now 4 years ago, no one I've met here knows. I'm having problems getting close enough to anyone to know if i can talk about it! Plus there are cultural differences (I live in Sweden) so I don't know if it's an 'acceptable' topic.
Thank goodness for you all!

((((((everyone))))))

[angellabernett]

i too placed my child up for adoption, but i have never hidden the fact that i gave my daughter up, actually people were okay and i really didnt care if they didnt like me for what i did but i never felt that i had to keep it a secret, im sorry that you have felt this way ansd shame on the people who made you feel this way. i send you lots of love and hugs and support.....

[keds]

hi everyone, best wishes to everyone as we all have wounds to heal. Since I placed my son, I haven't spoken to anyone, it was "something that was best "unsaid", even to his bdad who I married and have 2 children. I realized in the last 5 years that the decision I made was best for everyone but me. I spent the last 26 years doing everything I can to ruin my life as I didn't feel I was entitled to be happy. Only since my bson contacted me last year and told me that he has had a "happy life" and realized his dreams have I started to become who I was meant to be, I am completing my degree, I don't care what anyone says about me (well I try to think that way) and, most important of all, I found this website where I receive and, hopefully can give, support. All the best, and remember you are truly a good person, no matter what anyone else tells you.

[quantum]

Thanks keds!
I really understand where you're coming from.
Good for you for being able to pick yourself up!

Best wishes for continued happiness!!

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by quantum

Wow! Thanks everyone!
:-)
I am doing pretty ok with things right now. It's helped me so much to find my bson, to see how happy he is in his life! To see that he has the life I wanted him to have!
I just want to tell people.
I'm not ready to tell my parents though (because of the whole proceedings).
I moved to where I live now 4 years ago, no one I've met here knows. I'm having problems getting close enough to anyone to know if i can talk about it! Plus there are cultural differences (I live in Sweden) so I don't know if it's an 'acceptable' topic.
Thank goodness for you all!

((((((everyone))))))

Hey quantum! My sister lives in Sweden - near Lund and Malmo. Are you anywhere near there?? And I believe it IS an acceptable topic in Sweden! They ARE a very open society. Are you Swedish? Or American living in Sweden?
And I understand how you feel, as I gave up my daughter for adoption 38 years ago - now back THEN - it was a BIG no-no... )o: to be pregnant and UNmarried... I have only come to terms with speaking out about my relinquishment when I started to search for her 2 years ago. And would you believe - I found out my best friend of some 20 plus years ALSO gave up a daughter for adoption!!?? The things you find out!!
Good Luck in reunion with your son!

[Gracie86]

This thread just caught my eye. I too had to hide my "condition" from my entire family except for my parents and my brother. That was almost 21 years ago. Well let me tell you....this winter I could hold it in no more. I sent out an email to every family memeber I had an address for and told the story. My parents were horrified. My mother actually said to me, SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID. My mother the one that is so sticky sweet to my bdaughter when she comes over. I am so angry!!! If my parents had their way NONE of the family would ever have found out about Amy. I have never told Amy this. Our reunion has been full of pullbacks. She will be 21 in July and I have been in reunion with her for the past almost 9 years. If you lump it all together I would say maybe 6 months total of good reunion...but any reunion is a treasure. I have learned many things in this reunion. I have finally realized that in order for me to be any good to anyone I have to be able to forgive myself. I too married birh dad and we have two boys. I spent many years blaming others for the choices that were forced down my throat at the age of 16. In the end I can't change the past I can old make positive choices in today and look towards tomorrow with a positive attitude and forgive myself. I have to love me first in order to love anyone else. I think my husband sees the changes I have made. When Amy doesn't call, I don't worry anymore...she will call again and if not I am thankful for knowing her the time I was given to know her.
Anyways, hold your head up high bmoms! We have suffered long enough with the guilt!!!!!! We deserve to be happy and be loved!
Sorry for rambling!
Hugs to all!

[quantum]

I don't mind rambling at all.
I am terrified of that response from my parents, well even if I tell them I searched for bson at all! So I'm waiting on that.

I want to talk to some friends here about it, I'm sure I will, I just need to feel right about it I guess.

And to L@@king2, I'm an American living in Sweden and I actually live between Helsingborg and Landskrona- not far from Lund and Malmö at all!
What a funny small world it is.

The absolute coolest thing about living in Sweden is that bson thinks it's so cool he wants to come visit! whoo hoo
We'll see though.

[L@@king2]

hey quantum - received your pm - and answered!!

Yes - Sweden WOULD be a nice place to visit, eh?! I've visited with my sister & her husband when I make trips over to Riga, Latvia... Yes - I was born in Sweden, ya! LOL!

Gracie - thank you for your story - and yes, we need to forgive ourselves - for what society forced upon us way back then... and I have.