[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm working on a series for the birthparent blog. I e-mailed with a few birthparents regarding this survey but I'd like a wider range of adoption situations. If you have gone on to parent a child after placing, please take a moment to fill out this survey. The series will be focusing on the emotional issues facing birth parents as they begin to grow their family. It will launch on the blog on February 1st and run through the entire first week. (It's like I'm doing Sweeps on the blog! HA! I'm a broadcaster through and through.)

If you feel better/safer/etc sharing these answers via PM, please do so. If you know another birth parent that would like to participate in this survey, please PM me with the e-mail address.

This survey is open to all types of adoptions; closed, open, decades ago, recent. The only condition is that you have gone on to parent another child.

Thanks in advance for all help and participation!
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First initial:

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed?

How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented?

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard?

How was your delivery with your first parented child? How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child?

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? When? Why? How did you deal with those feelings?

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? Why? How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings?

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption?

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation?

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them?

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions?

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family?

Feel free to add anything you wish here:

[sweston66]

First initial: S

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed? Closed

How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented? 5 yrs

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? I was emotionally stable. I was excited about having another child. I never regretted giving my first son up for adoption.

Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard? I was only 15 when I was pregnant with my 1st son. My mother was dead. It was a very difficult time in my life, but emotionally I was stable and knew that this child would be better off with adult parents. With my first parented child I was 21 yrs old and married.

How was your delivery with your first parented child? I knew that I would have to have a C-section. The delivery went fine.

How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child? With my parented children I had the babies in the room with me. My hospital stay with my placed child was much different. No one wanted me to see my baby. I refused to sign the adoption papers until I was allowed to hold my baby and take pictures of him. Also due to my age they originally wanted to place me on the pediatric wing of the hospital. I spoke to my doctor and they agreed to place me in a semi private room. The hospital stay was scary and emotional. Everytime I requested to go to the nursery to see my baby, a nurse would come in and give me a pain shot so I would fall asleep. I had to have a C-section.

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? Yes
When? All the time
Why? I loved my son. I knew I made the right decision, but I worried the adoptive parents wouldn't tell him when he was older he was adopted and the reason I gave him up, like they had promised through the attorney.

How did you deal with those feelings? I spoke with a counselor and my friends. I did alot of writing.

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? I don't feel that the placement of my first child had any influence on my parenting skills.

Why? I was an adult when I had my second child and married.

How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings? There was nothing to deal with. Parenting is difficult and you do the best that you can.

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? No and I have never regretted giving my first son up for adoption.

Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption? No

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation? Yes, I knew at the age of barely 16, I was not capable of raising a child. I wanted a better life for him than a teen mother with no support could give.

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? Yes, I wondered about my first son often and still do.

How did you deal with them? I prayed, and hoped that my first childs parents loved him and was excited about his milestones as I was for my first parented child's.

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? Yes, I have always been open about the fact I gave a child up for adoption. I encourage pregnant teens to consider adoption as one of their options.

During your pregnancy? Yes, I went to a school for pregnant teens when my high school no longer wanted me to attend classes due to my pregnancy. We had to be home schooled and attend classes at the unwed mothers school. I also spoke with a counselor.

As you continue to parent? Yes I have friends and family to talk to about parenting. If not, what do you do with these emotions?

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family? There is life after adoption. Depending on the circumstances involved with why you gave a child up, there is no reason not to have other children. Unless of course your child was taken away because you are an unfit parent. In that case do us all a favor and be sterilized.

Feel free to add anything you wish here: Since I gave my son up for adoption I have had 2 more sons. They have known about their older brother since they were old enough to understand what adoption is. I divorced when my children were 8 & 5 and have remained a single mother since then. They are now 19 & 16. We all look forward to the day we are reunited with my first son.

[bromanchik]

First initial: BR (You can use my whole name if you like)

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed?
Fully open


How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented?
8 years (It would have been 7 years, but I lost my "second-first" baby in my 5th month of pregnancy.)

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard?
Actually, I think I did all the emotional work before I got pregnant. I had about 6 months of therapy getting to the place where I felt "worthy" to parent. I then did a couple more preparing for parenting after adoption.)

How was your delivery with your first parented child?
Long. But really nice and different than my first.

How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child?
I was in a birthing center. My husband was with me the whole time and everyone was fantastic. I did let them know I had placed my first.

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child?
Absolutely. He was the first person I called after Kat was born.
When?
I also thought of him a lot when Kat was an infant. All the "this is what I missed stuff.
How did you deal with those feelings?
Mostly it made me realize how right the decision was for me. for me, infants and toddlers are a lot of work, fun as it is. I know I was not ready for that when I placed. Still, it was a double edged sword. I also saw all the wonderful stuff I missed.

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child?
I was/am a really good parent. I think for me, placing made me cherish the parenting time I have had with my kids even more. Even now that they are 11 and 14.

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption?
No. I worked that stuff out before I even got pregnant.

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation?
Yes.

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them?
Not so often any more.

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions?
I have a big mouth. I talked about it with everybody.

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family?
I would say that preparation, even professionally, is a great idea.

[InBlindFaith]

First initial: R

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed? Closed, went through an Agency

How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented? 10 years, 8 months, 2 days

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? I still felt ashamed and guilty

Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard? Baby Showers, Family and Friends Excitement, Carrying a baby out of the hospital

How was your delivery with your first parented child? The second had to be induced, but I had her the same way as the first.

How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child? I had people come and visit...and bring flowers!!

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? When? Why? How did you deal with those feelings? I was terrified when I left the hospital, I kept thinking someone was going to knock on the door and take her away from me. I found myself not trusting anyone, I was afraid someone would take her and I would never see her again. I constantly thought about my first daughter...I was reminded daily of the things I missed. Discussion of my feelings regarding my first daughter were to never be discussed, I was told to forget she ever existed. I never forgot...so I found myself surpressing again.

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? Why? How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings? I amaze myself sometimes and realize I could have parented my first daughter. I also find myself doubting my parenting abilities, I catch myself saying I wasn't good enough for the first one what makes me think I'm good enough for the second. I do distance myself emotionally from my second daughter at times...I don't mean to. I also will fight to the bitter end to keep my second daughter protected from anyone who would take her from me or cause harm to her. I have kept these feelings to myself until I found my "Sistas"

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption? I was very angry with myself and the people involved in life at the time of the adoption. I could of parented my first child!!

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation? At times I know I did the right thing, my first daughter appears to have a wonderful life I couldn't provide. Other times I wish I would of parented. A piece of me is gone.

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them? I would find myself tearing up because I missed this or I missed that. It did get to a point to where I had to distance myself from everyone...hiding behind a wall seemed to be the best coping mechanism I had, until it all came to a head last July.

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions? I had no one to discuss these things with until I finally stepped out of the "Birthmother Closet". I tried to discuss it through the years, but I would always be told I'm supposed to forget. I even had therapist that tried to label me with illnesses so they could keep me medicated so I couldn't feel anymore.

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family? Have a suuport group. Make sure you have someone who will be a shoulder to cry on and be your cheerleader when you need it. Whatever you do, don't bury yourself behind a wall or a mask. Just because you chose not to parent doesn't mean you are not worthy of parenting later. You are not alone and don't let anyone make you feel like there is something wrong with you.

Feel free to add anything you wish here: I hope one DD will decide to reunite.

[younmom12096]

First initial: M

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed? semi-open

How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented?4

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard? No, both were very similar, although i was glad I was more prepared to be a parent

How was your delivery with your first parented child? How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child? All 3 were c-sections, although placed child was an emergency one. Hospital experience I didn't really bond with my placed child(my choice---didn't want to get attached). Got to feed and change all 3 children about the same

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? When? Why? How did you deal with those feelings? yes, I still think about him all the time. Even now(11 years later) I wonder if he is anything like my parented children

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? Why? How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings?
No

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption?
Questioned why i didn't try to parent my placed child

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation?
No, made me regret it even more

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them? yes, made me wish I had seen my placed childs milestones

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions?
No , repress them, talk about them in chat sometimes

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family?
Go for it if/when you feel you are ready
Feel free to add anything you wish here:[/b][/quote]

[josh1788smom]

First initial: E

Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed? closed (although in family - so similar to open except aparents never wanted acknowledge situation)

How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented? 7 1/2

How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard? It was great to know what was going on with my body.

How was your delivery with your first parented child? How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child?
Delivery was great. Not quite as quick as the first, which is kind of weird. The hospital was very similar. Both times the dads were present. I think that had something to do with it. Of course, the second time I did not have the father's mother coming it proclaiming how we needed to "give him up".

During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? When? Why? How did you deal with those feelings? I don't remember back then. I think I did a good job at repressing all this until my son was nearing his 18th birthday.

Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? Why? How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings? I think I am overindulgent to my children. They have TONS of STUFF. I think the need for me to give them stuff comes from always hearing how these aparents could better care for my child's needs than I could. My kids have totally benefited from this line of Bull.

Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption? Oh yeah. I have posted that I am mad at God. I have been mad at my parents, the aparents, myself for not being strong as I am today, the father, his &^%*) mother. Heck, I have even been mad at my son for having more loyalty to not hurt his amom than desire to just get to know me.

Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation? I think this adoption was the worst that occurred. Having other children solidified that feeling. Not only have I been deprived a child, my kids have been deprived a sibling.

As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them? I think I repressed a lot until my son turned 17. Then the flood gates just gushed from there on out. I have a 1 year old now (in addition to my 9 and 7 year olds) and I equate her milestones to his, but I did not with the other two.

Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions? My husband is the best. He is the only support in all this. I am so blessed to have him. I wish I could have had him then too; I would not have had the placement occur.

What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family? I'm bad in the advice dept, but I would add, I did not have any of the things I read in the "Girls that went away". Most of my feelings came up post 18 year old child. I want to talk to someone about it, but now I am smart enough to know I don't want to talk to any counselor that is not trained and experienced with adoption issues.

Feel free to add anything you wish here: I'm interested in reading the various responses.