[QueenofElves]

Please help-
Im due in February and b-dad has just "decided" to exercise parental rights, he has said since I dont "want" the baby girl that I should just "give" her to him...if he cant handle her he will just give her away later (seriously)...I am blown away by how selfish he is being. In the meantime there is an afamily who is perfect and painfully anticipating their new arrival and I have two children who I love and am fully committed to. I have told them I am having a baby for another family.
This man and I were together off and on for several years and he was an abusive self-centered alcoholic who, when I finally got the nerve to leave him forever, tried and nearly succeeded at having my children taken from me by lying and getting other "false witnesses" to file reports with CPS.
I am scared guys...very scared. I am worried that this man will be able to control my children and I for the next 18 years. I am saddened that i have to be the one to break the hearts of so many people-the a-family, my kids, my family and myself. I love children...they are my life...but I was really looking forward to getting to have a fresh start for all of us, to not struggling so much now that my kids were out of daycare...to blessing another family with such a wonderful gift. Now what? I believe fathers who care should have rights, but not at the expense of the children who they have rights too. Any advice? Any ideas about changing his mind? Changing my heart?

[evildishrag]

HI Queen, I'm so sorry that the bdad is being a jackass and stressing you out. I know you must be terrified. I'm don't know the rules or laws in your state concerning adoption but I'm sure my first reaction to your post is that the bdad is just shooting off his mouth, trying to hurt you, trying to control you, trying to get attention, etc. I wouldn't feed into it AT ALL. Just be matter-of-fact and business-like, 'Sorry you've had a change of heart, the plan for this baby has already been made. Buh bye now.' Hopefully your lawyer or agency can give you advice from a legal standpoint, however don't worry too much in the meantime.

[spitzlvr]

I agree with evildishrag that I hope the bDad is doing this just to bother you. However, I disagree that you can tell him bye bye. No matter what kind of person you think he is, he is the father of this child. If he doesn't want his baby to be adopted, that is his right. If he wants to raise his daughter, that is also his right.

[InBlindFaith]

When I reliquinshed 18 years ago through an Agency I was told the Agency has a way to make sure the father's rights were terminated by the time I signed. I do not know what was meant by that, but it was never an issue.

Are you going through an Agency or Attorney? Does the potential adoptive parents have an Attorney? I would discuss this with them. The "if he can't handle her he will just give her away later" is disturbing.

Also, when I delivered I had the hospital list my name on their board and such using an Alias because the paternal grandmother was threatening to kidnap DD. This might be something you would want to check on.

[evildishrag]

When I reliquinshed 18 years ago through an Agency I was told the Agency has a way to make sure the father's rights were terminated by the time I signed. I do not know what was meant by that, but it was never an issue

Yeah, that reminds me, my child's birthfather was 'disqualified' as a parent prior to me signing and it wasn't an issue either. Where I live there were certain conditions which would disqualify him. From what I recall:

Did he support you in the 12 months preceding pregnancy?
Were in you in a committed relationship?
Living together?
Has he acknowledged his paternity to the agency?

Stuff like that. I don't know how they do it elsewhere but there's got to be something to it.

However, I disagree that you can tell him bye bye.

Well assuming the guy is just doing this to cause trouble, if she doesn't react (i.e. says buh bye instead) he'll more likely move along. If she gets all upset and afraid and let's him know, it'll turn into a much bigger problem.

[spitzlvr]

Evildishrag,
yea, I agree - if she ignores him, and he is only doing this to annoy her, then yep, he will move along - he will not be getting the reaction he wants.