[thanksgivingmom]

I haven’t told anyone about the birth of my daughter and want to get it out so I don’t have to hold it just inside anymore. I never even told anyone that I was pregnant. I knew that people would want me to make decisions that were not theirs to make. The bdad would have wanted me to have an abortion, we had already discussed the “what ifs.” My family would have demanded that we keep the baby. These weren’t the decisions I wanted to make. Now I have made my decision and am ready to say what it was and how it happened.

I knew that just like the pregnancy, the birth would have to be a secret. I started to have faint contractions on Wednesday November 22nd, two weeks ago tonight. I live at home with my parents and so I pretended like nothing was happening. I envisioned having the baby for months, but when I realized it was actually going to happen I didn’t know what to do. The next morning, the contractions were about 8 minutes apart, I had tracked them all through the night. I continued the next day helping my mom with preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Feigning illness, I sent my family along to Thanksgiving dinner without me. Everyone left to go to my brothers house and I was alone. I continued to follow the contractions until it was time. It was 6:00 when I finally completely gave in to the realization that I would be giving birth any moment. I was terrified, and thought about calling 911 so that I would have someone there when my child came into this world, but I knew that wasn't an option. As I lay in my bed, on a pile of towels, I fully realized what was happening. I was giving birth to my first child, alone, and frightened.

Then I wasn’t alone anymore. There she was laying on my bed. She had a sac over her face which I gently pulled back. She began to cry. I cleaned her off and cut her umbilical cord. I wrapped her in a towel and held her. After cleaning up, I drove us the ten blocks or so to the hospital. I walked into the emergency room and handed my baby to a nurse. They wanted to admit me immediately and I had to say the words that I had imagined saying a million times but had never actually formed. “I’m not keeping her.” “I’m giving her up.” “Safe surrender.” The staff at the hospital was amazingly supportive, and the baby was perfect. I stayed for about an hour making sure she was okay and getting some strength back. I was given a hospital bracelet identical to the one she wore that night so that I could know her hospital ID in case I needed any more information. I was taken to my car and drove home. Soon after, my parents came home from Thanksgiving dinner. I kissed them goodnight and went into my room. I still couldn’t believe that I had given birth. Sometimes I still can’t.

The next day I continued like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. That weekend I went to work as a waitress. I suppressed the emotional reminders and only had the physical manifestations of the birth. Then on Monday I held the tiny hospital bracelet that I had held so often since her birth. I drove to the hospital and realized I didn’t know what I would do when I got there. I had realized that I had held my baby, had kissed her forehead, had made sure she was safe, but I hadn’t told her that I loved her. I know that she was only an hour old, and would not remember those words, but I was devastated that I had neglected to let her know how I felt about her.

In order to get up to the Labor and Delivery floor I would have to check in. I couldn’t check in without a patient name, and of course my baby didn’t have one. Just “Baby Jane Doe”. The woman at the desk said she couldn’t check me in. I didn’t know what to do, but realized at that moment I HAD to see her again. I sat on a patio and cried. The woman at the desk came up to me and said I could go upstairs. I paced past the neonatal ICU doors until a social worker came up to me and introduced herself. I got to go in, see my baby, and feed her. I took a Polaroid with her that I look at constantly. As I held her in my arms, I told her the story of her birth. Before I left, I took her close and told her how much I loved her. I gave her back to the nurse, watched her fall back to sleep, took what I feared may be my last look at her, at left her…again.

That night, the adoptive mother wrote me a letter. I was being invited to be a part of my baby’s life. I visited her once more in the hospital and again fed her. This time when I left, I knew I would someday see her again, and I left at peace.

I have since learned the baby has been named Eva, and was discharged from the hospital on Friday. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since Eva’s birth and I now wait in anticipation of meeting the amom and seeing my baby again. I thank God for her safe birth, and for placing her with a family that is willing to include me.

So that’s the brief story so far…I am excited and terrified to see how the rest of our story will unfold. Thanks for listening to this first sharing of my story.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you were all alone while in labor. That must have been so frightening. I'm glad to hear that Eva is healthy and that you will be able to have a relationship with her and her adoptive mom.

God bless you!

[evildishrag]

Feels good getting it all out, doesn't it! Thanks for sharing your story. I can't help but think how well timed it seemed to be, having the family out of the house and not worrying too much about mom walking in or Eva crying too loudly. What a relief! I can totally relate to going back to the hospital, I did that too although he was born there. I just HAD to see him again and say goodbye when I wanted to, not when the hospital decided it was time for me to be discharged. Please let us know when you hear back about meeting with the amom. I have a really good feeling that the two of you will hit it off and develop an amazing friendship. Best of luck.

[Leigh131313]

I just wanted to tell you again...how courageous and loving it was of you to ensure your child was safe and cared for.

I know you will have a wonderful relationship with her as she grows up.

[tyiakoum]

Thanksgivingmom,

What an amazing and heroic experience you just had. Blessings to you, the baby and the adoptive family.

[JuiciJ]

WOW,

I have never posted on this board but your story was so compelling it really made me cry....I commend you for being so strong! No one in my life knows that I am pregnant either and I am going through this completely alone as you did. You lived through my worst case scenario and I am glad it turned out for you without major incident!

The only thing I would add is that I know what you are going through and even if you never tell anyone in your life about your experience, you should seek counseling of some kind.....even though not telling anyone was the best option for you, this is a huge burden to bare all alone for the rest of your life! I know I will be seeking therapy of some kind to help me move on after the birth and adoption of my child....I may be able to conceal this from the rest of the world, but I cannot deny that it happened to myself....dont run from your experience, run towards it and right through it

Many blessings to you

[scared21]

Wow! I can't believe you went through all that alone. Only a small handful of people know about my pregnancy and I'm petrified.. I can't even imagine what you went through! How did you manage to hide the pregnancy from your family?

I hope things work out with the adoptive mum and you can have a great relationship with your daughter xxxxx

[longingtomeetyou]

wow hon
your story brought tears to my eyes.....
i feel so much for you as that was how i felt when i went into labor.....
i didnt have family or close friends by me it is amazing how we get the strength when we are faced with something so difficult as that......

i trully see how open adoption is a good thing when i read stories about how you were able to go back and hold her, get a picture etc etc...
.....if i only knew that back then......


you will find this site helpful......hugs

[poullafouca]

Sometimes, when we look back at things we go through in life, it's just astonishing that that was actually us, that we somehow got through something that insurmountable, that extreme.
You are an extraordinary person, I really hope that your open adoption helps you, and allows your child to know how special you are.
Bless you for your courage.

Poulla