[VikingPirate]

My girlfriend gave birth to our daughter just about two months ago. A few days afterwards, she was adopted in a kinship adoption. At the time, Angela seemed mostly okay with it, but she's since changed her mind; she's now convinced she did the wrong thing placing. In Indiana, the law doesn't include the thirty-day grace period that other states have: as soon as we signed the tpr, we lost any claim to her, so we couldn't just change our minds.

For the first month or so after the adoption Angela'd have some good days and some bad days, but for the past few weeks she's been miserable nearly constantly. There have only been a few occasions where she's threatened to kill herself unless someone gives our daughter back, but I'm worried about the possibility, anyway.

On top of her dislike of counseling from a previous experience, I've not heard good things about adoption counselors so I haven't made her go talk to one. She has read a number of adoption support books, but all the ones we've found argue that the reader has made the right decision; none seem to offer any assistance with moving on from the wrong decision.

At the moment, I don't know where else to look, hence my request from the "experts." If anyone can provide us with any advice, it'd be greatly appreciated.

[lonni]

Depending on how she decided upon adoption to the relatives (was it of her own free will with no pressure or undo influence)

States that allow the court to permit revocation of consent up to time of final adoption decree (usually upon showing best interest of child or that consent was achieved through fraud, duress, or undue influence):

Alabama

Alaska
Requires court approval if more than 10 days have elapsed since consent given

Connecticut
If court finds extreme circumstances, such as fraud, duress, or coercion

Florida

Illinois
Up to 12 months from time of consent



Has she talked to the relatives and told them how she feels she made a mistake?I gave my infant nephew back to the Mother who felt it was a mistake after all.Not everyone refuses to bring the baby back,if all agree it is best.

[kakuehl]

I know you have had a bad experience with counseling, but in my opinion she needs to talk to someone. She could be experiencing post-partum depression in addition to the stress of the adoption. Can she talk to her doctor? You should always threats of suicide seriously. Please get her some help. She is really and truly grieving the loss of her child in addition to second guessing her decision.

Again, please take the threats of suicide seriously.

[opalwench]

I'm going to chime in here, because I am Angela. (literally) I've been reluctant to post, so Jeff took some intiative and asked for the help I've been afraid to ask for myself. Thank you both for responding.

Lonni - We actually placed her with Jeff's (VikingPirate) sister. Not a member of my family, so I have very little confidence in talking to them. Placing was complex... I was begging to try to parent but Jeff was scared and I was scared and didn't believe I could do it without him. (We live together and I don't drive and my family wasn't in the picture at that moment so I've got a very real and true dependence on him.) So I doubt we could get it to stand up in court as coercion. And there's also a 4 year old (bio-daughter of the afamily) who I'm a afraid to hurt very much, she's so proud of being a big sister.

Kakuehl - Actually I'm the one who has had bad experiences with counselling/therapy. About 5 years ago I had a therapist (and subsiquently my family) brush off a nervous breakdown I had from watching a close friend get hit by a car. I don't doubt that I need to see one, just I doubt my ability to trust one again. Which I feel needs to happen if its going to do me some good. For the record I've been suffering some sort of depressiveness for most of those 5 years.

To tell everyone the truth, I scare myself. Quite often when I'm really upset and I'm making threats there's a part of me that's looking at whats going on and thinking that I'm really and truly crazy.

I'm rather at a loss where to get help from ... because I really don't think that we have resources in our area that address this very well or they aren't very easy to find. We live right next to a big ten University so they may be there, I just don't know how or where to look. My father (after berating me some for placing) suggested I speak to a pastor, but I haven't attended church in over 2 or 3 years because of some complex feelings about religion. Sigh... maybe I'm just making excuses, but I really feel powerless anymore.

[bromanchik]

Angela, please pm me so we can talk. I might know of someone in your area. At the very least I can help you with what to look for in a professional. I might also have some books that may address the regret and trauma (from seeing your close friend get hit by a car).

[kakuehl]

Angela (and Pirate!)
Brenda is a good resource for you.
Also, the university should have a counseling department. Call and ask.

Feeling powerless and being powerless are two different things!

We can't change the past, we can choose our next action, even if it's how we're going to get through the next 10 minutes.

Please hang in there. Read my PM.

[ermiller]

Angela,

I just wanted to chime in on the therapy thing. I've been a very reluctant therapy attendee throughout the last four years. We haven't had a very positive experience with my mother and her therapist for the last 8 years. But this past summer, I finally found a therapist I "clicked" with (he's the 5th one I've tried). Please don't let that one bad experience keep you from getting some help. I would say more than anything you need someone experienced in grief for the adoption loss as well as trauma from your experience with your friend.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I'm not a birthmom but I have been in that deep dark place.

(((hugs)))
Erin

[Marmy_4]

let me just say that i empathise with what u r going threw. i was also fearful to parent alone since the bfather and i wernt married, so i placed with my sister. it has been an interesting road so far, but hey i gurss thats just adoption. i definatly would suggest u talk to jeffs family, maybe even though u cant go back you can still have alot of contact and be able to move forward amicably (sp?) best of luck to you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by VikingPirate

My girlfriend gave birth to our daughter just about two months ago. A few days afterwards, she was adopted in a kinship adoption. At the time, Angela seemed mostly okay with it, but she's since changed her mind; she's now convinced she did the wrong thing placing. In Indiana, the law doesn't include the thirty-day grace period that other states have: as soon as we signed the tpr, we lost any claim to her, so we couldn't just change our minds.

For the first month or so after the adoption Angela'd have some good days and some bad days, but for the past few weeks she's been miserable nearly constantly. There have only been a few occasions where she's threatened to kill herself unless someone gives our daughter back, but I'm worried about the possibility, anyway.

On top of her dislike of counseling from a previous experience, I've not heard good things about adoption counselors so I haven't made her go talk to one. She has read a number of adoption support books, but all the ones we've found argue that the reader has made the right decision; none seem to offer any assistance with moving on from the wrong decision.

At the moment, I don't know where else to look, hence my request from the "experts." If anyone can provide us with any advice, it'd be greatly appreciated.

Have you spoken to the adoptive parents?

Is it an open adoption?

if not, maybe it would help the bmom if the adoption was opened up.

If she kills herself, it will color the whole family's relationship.

If it is a private adoption speak to the lawyer.

[lonni]

Our bio child was 5.She is now grown and we did adopt a special needs child soon after.We did not want to keep a baby away from a Mother who wanted to raise her and my child understood that simple concept, as she wanted to be with her Mommy.(me-lol)
You were under mental and physical duress(IMO) and hormones were raging.
I am an adoptee and feel strongly about this.In my family,we helpeach other,and we did what what best for our family.It all worked out,I am happy to say!((((HUGS))))) Counseling can work with the right therapist.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Opal; contact Brenda. She has the ability to find resources for you. PM her and she can give you her toll free number. She has helped me many a time.

[opalwench]

I'd thought I'd post an update here... I work nights and work has been kinda knocking me out this week so that's why I haven't responded to all the PMs and stuff. Thank you all for your support though. (I also am in the midst of a sinus infection type deally... happens when the weather does a dramatic change. So I currently sound like I'm talking through a hippo over the phone.)

Despite all of that, I'm actually doing better than I have been in a long while. We finally got an updated email address for the a-family and an actual update from the a-mom a few days ago. Up until then most everything had been conveyed through at least a third party, if not a fourth or fifth party. I still wish we had parented, but I'm beginning to see why that may not be the most practical option currently. (It does hurt a little bit to say that.)

I'm looking into my therapy options through work (I'm employed by our local big ten university). The information is a bit confusing now, though the good news it that my coverage for stuff like that is increased after New Year's.

I was finally feeling up enough that we even put up our Christmas tree. (It's the 1st Christmas tree I've ever had on my own and the first one I've had in about 3 years, so thats cheering as well.) And its really looking like the afamily will be in the same place as us for Christmas Day (or a few days after, or maybe even both). I can't think of anything that I'd really want more for Christmas...

Thank you all very much for ... everything.

[kakuehl]

Opal, thanks so much for the update. I'm so glad you're doing better (despite the sinus thing). Seeing Elyse may be bitter sweet but still a great Christmas present.

When you find a counselor, don't forget to talk about your friend's death as well. You've got a lot of "stuff" to deal with in addition to the adoption!

May your truly experience God's peace this Christmas!