[Tigger27]

Well, I just realized something today about how things have been somewhat harder for me with my second daughter's birthday coming up here. She turns 2 years old tomorrow and I've been having a pretty hard time these past couple weeks or so.

I've been trying to figure out why I've been having a harder time with her birthday coming up tomorrow than I did with her birthday last year. And well, so far I came up with the fact that I'm living away from home and my usual support system and having to build up a new support system and do things a little different with that, but I still felt like there was more to the reason behind why it's been so much harder for me this year and I finally found a reason why.

I just realized earlier today that this other reason why is because I'm having some repressed grief surfacing and I didn't realize it until now.

It has to do with my psycho ex that was involved with this daughter and how I was so focused and worried about him and keeping myself and the knowledge about my daughter etc. from him.

For the longest time I've been focusing on him and the fear and worry about keeping her and myself safe from him that I apparently repressed some grief and emotions that's manifesting itself now because now I'm in a new place and he doesn't know anything about me or my daughter who I placed or where either of us are now.

So, just now that I'm feeling that I no longer have to worry about him since I've moved here on my own, this repressed grief has been overwhelming me with this birthday because of that.

I just was thinking about this and wondering how many others have experienced something like this or repressed grief. I would think a lot of us have experienced it, but just wondered about it the same.

I'm also really mad now because I realized how much I let my psycho ex affect me and my grief/emotions and how I've processed things. I let him delay some of my healing and so I have new anger that's surfaced toward him again now too.

Anyway, I was just wondering and thinking about all of this and thought I'd share and see what others thought or had to say if they wanted to share anything.

Thanks for reading this if you made it through - I know it was a long post. What can I say - I had a lot to say here, ya know .

[browneyes0707]

((((Tigger)))

Hang in there!

I'm still going through repressed grief 14 years later. It comes out in drips and drabs, a flood of it just came out recently when I reconnected with DD's family. I've come to the conclusion that it will always be there.

Directly after I placed I was so concerned with keeping everything a secret and moving on with my 18 year old life like nothing happened. I liked playing brave to those few who knew. Brave girls soldiered through with their heads held high knowing they did the right thing. What do I know, I was young!

Any feelings of grief or attachment I directed towards her b-dad. We rarely talked about the adoption, but we were both hurting and it made "sense" to pretend we were hurting because we were meant to be together and we were apart. DD's first birthday was hard, but I remember I didn't think it was hard because of the meaning of the day, but because b-dad and I had broken up again, and I was convinced my sadness was due to that. Her second birthday, I actually got dumped, by somone who knew the sigificance of the day. I screamed at him that he had nerve to dump me "on this day", so again, I had an excuse for the emotion

You get the idea. I had convinced myself that "bad things" happened on that day coincidentally. Took me a long time to realize that I was FINDING bad things to use as excuses for the fact that I missed my DD.

My repressed grief actually closed my adoption. By repressing my feelings in order to survive, I bailed when things got rough. Once my daughter was old enough to talk to me on the phone, the emotion was so overwhelming and there was nothing going on to cover that. I never allowed myself to feel it before. and it terrified me. So I shut down and lost touch. The one mistake I made that I truly regret. But I can't dwell, I can only move on.

But I did learn that I am a brave girl, and part of being brave is allowing myself to feel what I feel, whether it's easy or rough. I don't hide how I feel and I don't repress it, for fear that I will shut down again. It's actually quite cathartic. I recommend it highly

You may have allowed circumstances to distract and repress you before, just try and consciously allow yourself to feel. And do someting nice for yourself tomorrow, after all you gave birth, it's your "birthday" too!!!

We are here for you!

[Tigger27]

Thanks, Browneyes .

[bromanchik]

I know so many birthmoms who say the second birthday is harder than the first. I think it is because the first year is so intense and we expect that first one to be hard. However, things in the second year are as not as intense so we are taken by suprise when the second year rolls around. It has been 22 years for me and his birthday week is still hard for me......

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Tigger27]

Thanks, Brenda.

[msdesi]

I have repressed grief, 13 years later.

I have been able to talk about my feelings of grief and loss to my husband and on here, but there is one thing I've never allowed myself. I've never allowed myself to cry about it. Not once in 13 years. I'm so afraid that if I start, it will never stop because all that emotions and need to cry is there and I feel it...but when it comes I quickly breath deep and try to think of anything else. I'm just scared to even start. I'm afraid of the intensity. I've never actually told anyone this...I think my husband assumes I must have cried at some point, but I never have.

[browneyes0707]

mdesi:

I never cried either until this summer.
And even that was the tip of the iceberg.

I called my best friend at 11PM one night and I couldn't talk (the words wouldn't come!!) I was so scared because I had just allowed myself to start dealing with my grief, I suddenly burst into tears, saying over and over that I never should have dredged all this pain back up, that I couldn't handle what was to come and I should have left well enough alone.

Poor girl, she didn't know what to do!!

But it felt real good!

[zzetta]

I have been going through counceling to work on all the feelings that I have kept bottled up for 19 years. My repressed grief has manifested itself in physical pain, a string of bad relationships and a deep depression. Now that my ason is over 18, it has gotten worse because I can actually look for him now. So now those emotions are building on top of the emotions of giving him up and I think I am going to explode. The counceling really helps but I have a long way to go.

[lahdh4]

I have been thinking about this and for me I am thinking it is unprocessed grief. The grief has always been there and I have been dealing with bits and pieces of it but lately it is the other sides of it that have reared their heads and are butting into my life. I sat the other night at work in tears. I had tears streaming down my face for most of the night and nothing was working to help put me in a better mood. I was trying but nothing was working.

[Tigger27]

Yeah, I think I've had some of my own unprocessed grief as well as repressed grief too myself.

(((Hugs))) to you Leigh.