[Mommy24]

This is a random thought from another thread, just thought it would be interesting to see your thoughts

If you chose the adoptive parents of your bchild before you had given birth, do you think it put more pressure on you to place with them? At any point did you think that if you hadnt met them and they were so "kind" to you that you would have parented?

Just curious

[BrandyHagz]

Nope, if anything, I think they were my ONLY advocates...of course, by the time it came time for me to place, we'd cultivated quite a relationship and friendship.

They went to bat for me with the agency more than once...actually demanding that they back off me and let me take the lead.

I am so fortunate, because I know not everyone has had this experience, sadly.

[browneyes0707]

Hmm, that's an interesting question

I agree with Brandy, my a-parents really were my advocates during the adoption process, they basically guided me through the whole thing, and I felt comfortable with that. I felt comfortable with them. (I did a private adoption) But given my age and my emotional state a the time, it could have very easily crossed a line where I could have been taken advantage of by a set of a-parents. And that's a scary truth, because my only support was a bunch of freshman girls in a dorm and my RA.

If I wasn't lucky enough to find people like my dd's a-parents, and I had felt uncomfortable or pressured, I really have no idea how I would have handled that. I don't think it would have been good. I really was lucky.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I did not in any way feel pressured by J & D. I felt pressured by the ding-dang agency and my family but not by them.

[opalwench]

I didn't feel pressured by the adoptive parents, but being as they're members of Jeff's family I'd met them totally out of the context of my pregnancy originally. Honestly I believe that if we'd made the decision to parent, they would have been there to support us as well.

Let me correct that... They never pressured... but yes I know that at a few points how hopeful they were was a non-direct pressure on me. I don't resent them for it, it's an aspect of my personality and nature that comes out in lots of areas of my life and just compounded a bit here. I don't think it really influenced my decision as much as it could have.

There was some pressure from other sources, and a whole bunch of emotional turmoil with my family, but I know that throughout it our discussions with Sally were never based on pressure. To be honest because of the short time we knew about my pregnancy, Sally and her husband were considering if they wanted parent her at the same time Jeff and I were working through deciding to place her. Time schedules probably put the most pressure on everyone involved.

[Gracie86]

That is an interesting question. I guess I didn't feel pressure from them exactly, more from myself because I had given my 'word'. I had promised that I wouldn't change my mind. They wanted to hear me say the words that I promised...I wouldn't change my mind. Amom would call me every day my last two days and ask if I was having contractions yet. That got to me. I got angry....this was my time with my child and I needed it. I stopped taking her calls....then they came to me in full force. My adoption worker, my mother, the counselor (POS) with you 'promised'. You have to keep your word. I was 16 years old!!!!!
So in a way I feel like I was pressured...I couldn't have an abortion like my mother wanted. So this was the only other choice..she could make...even though it was me. I hope that makes sense.

[taramayrn]

For me yes I did feel a sense of obligation to place with them, but I feel that way more so because they were at the hospital with us rather than because of prebirth matching. I honestly think that if I would have had some alone time with my son I would have felt more at peace with my decision to place with them. I was worried about hurting their feelings if I changed my mind.

[ATDx2006]

I never once felt pressured by my son's adoptive parents. They were so supportive of me and reassured me that if I ever changed my mind and if I ever felt as if I couldn't do it, they didn't want to push me. They were absolutely amazing people and I couldn't ask for more.

[lahdh4]

I wasn't pressured by bdad, aparents (hadn't met them yet) but I think I was more pressured by myself. I continued to run the thoughts over in my head that I couldn't be a mother to her over and over and I pressured myself to carry forward with the adoption. KWIM?

[taramayrn]

Ah Leigh, I think that what you wrote about pressuring yourself was how I felt too.

[MrsHoot]

I think I didn't feel pressure it was more of an obligation. I knew at least 2, if not 3, girls had previously backed out on them - one went all the way to delivery then changed her mind. So knowing that I felt the sense of having to keep my word. I'm not sure I would have decided to parent but trying to have my word mean something did keep me with the couple "I chose"

[susiesgirl]

I understamd where you are coming from. IT must have been soooo hard for you. I try to imagine what my bmomma went thru. SHe told me that my gramma took her hand and forced her to sign the papers. i was really angry with my bgramma at one time but have made up with her and forgiven her and i am glad that i did because we lost her in april. I at least had 5 good years with her.
i am just SOOOO thankful that i found my bmomma...that hole in my heart has been filled. Good luck all you Bmommas. I hope that you can find some peace. HUGS

[msdesi]

I don't know. At the time it felt like the whole world was turning on the pressure.

I only meet the adoptive couple that one time while I was pregnant, but they did keep talking to me as though this was a done deal and they were already parents to my baby. So I suppose, a little pressure from them too in a way. Subtle pressure.