[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm going to be starting another series on the blog next week about what birth parents find to be the hardest things to deal with in the post-placement years. So, I come here first, asking for your personal stories. What has been the hardest thing for you to deal with post-placement? It could be something that happened immediately after, four years afterwards or not until thirty years had passed. No limits on time. It can be something involving your child, involving adoption itself, involving your own family or something totally random. Maybe it's birthdays in general. Maybe it's a specific emotional trigger. Maybe it's something else entirely.

I ask you to share with us what the thing/issue is, why you find it/found it to be so difficult to deal with and what you DO/DID to be able to handle the issue/thing.

Thank you in advance!

[lahdh4]

Overall for me it has been the emotions. Just wave after wave hit me and makes it hard for me to function.

[Marmy_4]

when i decided to place O for adoption i didnt think i would be a good mother because most of my life i though i didnt want kids....but after seh was born i couldnt help but have that overwelming sense of love for her as only a mother could..... its been hard to hide that love for her. and hard to admit and accept that love as i welcome a new little boy in my life.

[BrandyHagz]

Oh Jenna, we should talk

[Mommy24]

It continues to amaze me at how much harder it seems as the years go by, I guess I had this silly way of thinking in the beginning that as time went on it would get easier....hmmmmm..It hasnt. I have thought about whether or not had our adoption continue to be semi open it would have gotten easier and all that I have learned about how hard open adoption is, even with all of its benefits, I dont really think it gets easier KWIM?!
I have found peace, but that doesnt make it easier

[SchmennaLeigh]

I dont really think it gets easier KWIM?!
I have found peace, but that doesnt make it easier

Very well put. I'm making my way towards peace. I mean, obviously, I know things can't be changed. But somedays... it's just not easy.

Thanks for sharing things, guys. I can relate to everything that's been stated thus far.

[Mommy24]

Jenna, another thing is the Loss, I know obvious, but I have found now after having children that I parent, the things I missed slapped me in the face. Some things are obvious, their first smile, first words, first steps, etc...
But things like missing their Christmas recitals, the excitement of getting their first real bike, for me this year as my bson turned 16 the thought of his first car, I missed that, I have missed so much, I have lost so much, Things even in an awesome reunion I simply wont get back

[MrsHoot]

Jenna - I understand where you are coming from but, for me, I never really thought that those things were mine to have or to miss - she had parents, I chose them for her and all though I have very mixed emotions now about the choice I made for both of us 22 years ago - those childhood things were theirs to have not mine...I guess it was easier for me to detached than deal with it, maybe I still am.

As for what's the hardest - her birthday. Strange though, 2 years ago - on her birthday - I was overwhelmingly sad, I just had the feeling something was very wrong with her - it was one of thoses that makes you ask - is she dead or alive. The reason I said strange is; in one recent email to me she revealed that on her 20th birthday she totalled her car by rolling in a ditch, in the middle of nowhere, in a snow storm...it still takes my breath away just thinking of it now!

[SchmennaLeigh]

That's great that you were able to think that was, MrsHoot. However, I haven't been able to make that difference in my head or my heart. Every single milestone that my Nicholas hits is a reminder of what I missed out on as Munchkin's Mom.

[taramayrn]

For me over almost 7 years it has consistently been the "What If's"...what if I would have parented? What if I found out earlier in the pregnancy? I, at times have found them really almost debilitating. I am finally starting to be able to put these What if's out of my head. They aren't productive.

[SchmennaLeigh]

It's hard, isn't it Tara? To put them out of your mind? Blah.

[taramayrn]

It is. It really is. I sometimes feel that in order to get those thoughts out of my mind that I have to shut myself down emotionally about the adoption you know? Just don't let myself think about it at all. But I find that these thoughts come and go over the years and as certain events take place they get worse - like when I graduated from university, when Chad and I got married and I'm sure when we have another baby. I guess it's unrealistic for the What if's to go away completely, but I wish they would.

[InBlindFaith]

I never grieved over the relinquishment of my DD, 18 years I secretly longed for her. I would spend her birthdays in tears, I would spend the holidays wishing she was with me. There was a something missing in my life, I've searched and searched for something that would fill up that hole. Well, last summer it finally caught up to me. I started grieving, started feeling guilty and I finally realized what I have been searching for all of these years, she is the piece of me that is missing.

She doesn't want contact with me right now, I have to accept that. So now, I spend my days longing for her, hoping she will change her mind. With the Holidays coming up it will be tough. I think this will be the hardest time because I have just started grieving over the relinquishment...18 years later.

[longingtomeetyou]

for me, i can honestly say that having a closed adoption in and of itself was the hardest thing......not knowing anything .....no picture no letters.....not knowing anything about the adoptive family.....you always wonder if you made the right choice .....is she ok ....is she happy? all those things.....





day 1 basically the day i gave birth to Rebekah and after i let her go i felt the loss immediately ....feeling my tummy and i remember crying and crying afterwards holding onto my Bible hoping that would help......o man it really hurts to think about that time .....

ive tried to not think about that because the pain is so great.....

ive regretted giving her away from day 1....

i didnt realize there was a time frame i could of taken her back.....i was so nieve....

ok so getting back to the topic.....

the hardest part .....was she was ok .....not knowing anything really really hurt emotionally.....no picture ...not being able to ask if she was ok......

[opalwench]

I'm a month and a half in, and I think whats worst is when I'm upset about something else (work/supervisors being dumb mainly) and I remember holding her and how looking at her sleep or look at me just made problems like that and tension seemed to melt out of the picture. (Watching Jeff hold her accomplished the same thing too...)