[shaylismom]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting and I have lots of questions that I would like to bounce off of you but I will start with this one.
I found Carly 3 weeks ago on myspace. Even though she is only 17 and I still had a year left before Gladney "allowed" me to find her, I went with my gut and sent her a message. She was initailly shocked as were her parents but it is all turning out great. We are taking this very slowly and just using this time to get to know one another.
My question...I have a 6 year old daughter that is trying to understand all of this. I have been teaching her all about adoption (in general) for the last year and then when I confirmed that I had found Carly, I explained everything to her. She seems to understand and asks lots of questions. However, I am afraid that she is expreiencing some inner turmoil that she is not letting me into. I watch her tell people that she has a sister, she always talks a bout Carly, she asks when we can see her, I am afraid the next question is why didn't you keep Carly but you kept me. HELP...I really need some advice with her. I am starting to even question myself about telling her at such a young age.

Thank you for taking time to read this,

Robbi

[SchmennaLeigh]

Why would you question telling her at a young age? Children accept things with more ease when it is always a part of their reality, their story.

That said, answer it honestly and in an age appropriate manner. If you feel she is internalizing some things, discuss it with her school counselor and possibly consider some short term therapy to get her talking about the issue.

[sunshine-ditto]

I'm in a similar situation re: recently telling my young children about a baby I gave up. They seem very accepting of it. I haven't told them "EVERYTHING", but enough for them to grasp it at their age. I have no idea what your circumstances were 17 years ago, but for me, I kept it simple and told them, "I wasn't ready to be a mommy and sometimes other people that want to be mommies and daddies can't have babies in their tummy (which is my daughters "word" for pregnancy) so i gave my baby to a different mom and dad and now they're a family." My dau. has since asked again, "why didn't you keep her" and i again told her the same thing. I was too young to be a good mom and she has a different mom and dad who love her very much.

I think it's wise to keep alert re: her not letting you in, tho. YOu know your dau. better than anyone and if you think she needs more than what you can get her (re: counseling), you may need to pursue it.

[Katamra]

I found my daughter on this website three years ago. I shot an email off quickly when I discovered she had registered. When I heard nothing I more thoughtfully wrote and sent an email telling her about me and what i knew about her and her adoptive parents. She did email back. She told me a little about herself, thanked me! and said she wasn't ready to tell her mom or family yet and that she would contact me again sometime in the future when she was ready.

We have exchanged a few emails every now and again. I send her birthday emails.

Anyway, my daughters, 8 and 9, know all about her. I brought them up knowing - even as toddlers. Time went by and they "forgot" i guess. At 6 and 7 they saw her hospital photo in a album and asked who the baby was, so I broke it to them again! Now they tell everyone that they have a big sister in another state that doesn't live with us. They ask questions sometimes and I was worried that they would think since I couldn't take care of their sister, maybe if times got tough I might give them up. That only happens in my head though - that thought has never occurred to them. They do not understand why they cannot meet her or why she does not want to meet them.

I wait in limbo. I'd love to meet her, but am reconciled to the fact that I gave her up and continue to do so again, and again, and again. She is 21 now and loving life. It is what I wanted in the first place.
I let go again and again, because I don't want to feel as though I am waiting.

It is a burden I don't expect will lift any time soon.

Glad I told them, glad it was never a secret. They are resilient.