[tkojle]

12 years ago I gave birth to a little girl. The adoptive parents and I agreed on a open adoption. I only requested pictures every year....after 5 years the pictures became less and less.

Just last month after 6 years of no photos I contacted them through our post office box. After sending my letter enclosed with my home address, cell number and email address ( Not sure what it would bring ) Since there hasn't been any contact for some time. I recieved a phone call one week after delivery from the adoptive mom. She sounded so excited to hear from me. And explained that her and the adoptive father were no longer together. And my daughter was doing well. And also explained that she has been asking about me. This amazed me.....she also stated that my daughter would like to send me an email. to my surprise! I was shocked and overwhelmed. The adoptive mom said she would wait to tell her after their vacation on labor day weekend.

I waited and friday I recieved an email:


Sorry it has taken me so long to send you an email. With this you now have my email. We haven't told her yet, but she just asked about you again last weekend. She is settling into middle school right now. It's a lot of work and a lot of changes to get used to! Given the added homework, new middle school, new friends, she is doing quite well.

I want to let her know that we now know where you are and that you are well. She was concerned that maybe something had happened to you, but I assured her that if you were not, we would know.

I will ask her dad to forward some pictures of her when he is in the office next week. I'm still in the stone ages when it comes to digital cameras!

Well I have to run. I'll email you soon and as soon as we speak with her and she will write you a letter.



this was great.... but then I recieved this email:

To adoptive mom:



As we talked about this subject before I think you may be making a big mistake here; it may be way too early to start this continuous line of communication with birth mom. She is only 12 and has some very tough years physically, and more importantly, emotionally, ahead of her. She’ll be confused at times and feel unloved at other times, the bond between parent and child will be stressed. Through these teen years, she’ll feel insecure, have emotional problems disagree with our rules and fight with us, and then she’s going to reach out to someone; who better than her biological birth mother, who lives miles away and has no clue what’s happening here in N.Y. (the birth mom) natural mother instincts may be to take her side. I’m sure the birth mom is a very lovely young women and a wonderful mother. I’m just trying to do what I believe is right at this time to protect her. I’m not trying to be mean, but I believe contact with birth mom at this time, should be on a minimal basis. As she gets older and becomes more secure with her emotions and feelings, I welcome, and will encourage more communication with the birth mom, and then it could be very beneficial to all of us.


( please note this above letter was sent to his ex wife) ( my daughters adoptive mom)






To birth mom

Please understand I’m not trying to hurt your feelings and I know you have only good intentions that come from your heart. We discuss everything that happens in her life and don’t think for any minute you’ve caused any problem, because you haven’t. I just had to get this off my chest before the adoptive mom talks me out of sending this. I just have to express my feelings. I’ll send pictures.

Truly,
the adoptive dad




I agree with both of them. All is needed to assure myself in my choices. The photos of her ....helps me realize thar she is happy and healthy. I never want to disrupt any part of their lives. Being an open adoption what are my choices. And how would you respond to this?
My family has never been supporting in this issue. Kinda sweep it under the rug. My spouse knows what happened many years ago but thinks i should leave it alone.

The sad and most hurtful thing now.... We are trying to concieve our first child for the past year now. No luck...sometimes it feels like a punishment. But I know thats not the case.

What would you do? how would you handle it?

I appreciate any insight!

[Jackiejdajda]

I would just keep being friendly and treat all the individuals involved with respect..

I am so sorry you are not able to get pregnant again..
Life is so darn strange..

I gave my son up in /65 and had a daughter ten years later.. and a son two years after that..

What I am dealing with is I have three birthgrandbabies that I will probably never know.. other then sending gifts etc.. (we live far apart and money is an issue)

My second and third born show no signs of getting married and having babies.. or heck just having babies..

Again life is strange..

Welcome to the forums..

Jackie

[zxczxcasdasd]

It sounds to me like what was agreed on at the beginning was regular pictures and the adad is not comfortable with the amom agreeing to actual communication more than that, looking ahead to the teen years when there will inevitably be times she will wish she could turn them in for another pair, or no pair, of parents. It's a major fear of some aparents regarding open adoption. I'm not saying that it's legitimate or not, just that it's a common fear. At least it sounds like they have good communication between them and talk and work together for her benefit.

Maybe you could ask that at least regular pictures and updates be restarted and continued, and that at least communication between you and the parents continue until and unless they both are comfortable and agree to direct communication with the girl, and that your contact information be given directly to your daughter when she's 18? Then you at least have a chance to build a relationship of trust with the aparents and get updates and photos. It would be a good start.

I hope you can work out an agreement between you. God Bless.

I just realized that I said "at least" a lot in this post.
P.S. Did you get the pictures...at least?

[browneyes0707]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and had a lapse in contact with my daughter's a-family after an adoption that was originally open. Just a few months ago, I decided to contact her a-parents in hopes to reopen the adoption. (She is 14, and just started high school), and her a-mom seemed very happy to hear from me. She also said that she would tell her "soon", probably because of everything going on in her life as well. I haven't heard anything from them in a couple of months, but I did send a letter a few days ago for my daughter, which the a-mom thought was a good idea. I would assume that she would tell me if she told her about my letter , so I don't know if she knows. But I feel the same way you do, I don't want to disrupt anyone's life. I told the a-mom in the letter that I wanted to reconnect with her, and eventually bring DD in to it when she is ready. I told her that I trust her judgement as to when she feels the time is right to tell her. It is going slowly, but I think that is a good thing, because at least from my end some wounds left over from the past resurfaced unexpectedly, so it's given me time to adjust to that and the possibility that I may someday have contact with my daughter.

I would definitely try to keep in contact with both of them, maybe letters and pics with the a-parents, while they try to sort out what's best between the two of them. I'm sure once they get reaquainted with you, they'll so much appreciate your patience and the respect of letting them handle the situation the way they feel appropriate. I would also be honest with them, and let them know that you'll respect whatever decision they come to, so that the lines of communication are always open for everyone to share honestly. At least now you know that when your daughter is ready, her family knows where you are, and will be supportive in your reunion!

For me, the day I got pics, I was SOOO happy!! Cherish eveything you get! Good luck!!

[InBlindFaith]

Keep the communication open. Build on the relationship with the a-parents. In time they will realize you do respect them and you are not wanting to disrupt their lives.

[kakuehl]

I have to admit that I'd like some clarification from adad! I'm assuming he's referrnig to allowing your daughter to have contact with you, but I can also read it that he doesn't want amom to have much contact with you either. (Is he afraid of two mothers against one father? I know, I'm reading between the lines here and being very cynical!)

It seems to me that if you and the aparents build a relationship and are on the same page, his fears would be groundless.

Sometimes I think that adoption is a minefield - it's hard to know where one can safely step!

In the meantime, I hope the pictures have arrived and you can enjoy getting reacquainted with her.