[germangrloh]

I am a birthmother and very happy with my placement with his family. But I have concerns just like every birthparent out there. My concern is the deceit that agencies are giving to birthparents. I have been doing much research and have been speaking to several attorneys and have written several letters to state legislatures. I believe that it is time that changes be made in the adoption process. I believe that the government needs to make Open Adoptions either a legalized adoption situation or they need to not allow agencies to offer this glorified option to birthparents. Although I am completely happy with my sons family, I will always have the worries of will they ever cut my contact off. After reading so many sad stories of this happening to birthmothers everywhere I believe it is time that something needs to be done. There is just way to much with the adoption process that is not in the best interest to the parties involved. Lack of support, lack of counseling or knowledge of alternative options, lack of curtisy from many agencies by not disclosing the entire legalities with Open Adoption. In fact the only adoption there is by law is Closed Adoption. THere is nothing legally enforceable with Open Adoptions as far as the contact etc. So why do agencies offer this? Why is it glorified to birthmothers? I am only one person and in order for changes to be made I believe that there has to be many voices heard. I believe that agencies that have openly mislead birthparents need to be accountable for there actions. I would like to start a petition to help make these changes to be sent to goverment legislation. I believe that we must start somewhere.

I want to note that in no way am I against adoption, or against the amazing families out there that have become parents to our children. But I believe that there needs to be something done to prevent other birthmothers and bparents from experiencing the emotional suffering invovled with open adoptions gone closed and vice versa for adoptive children who's birthparents disapear without being heard from again. I apologize if I have offended anyone but I am just very emotional at the issue that mine or any other birthparent could have contact cut off with our children at any point and there is nothing we can do about it. We placed our children into open adoptions for the reason of contact/ letters/pictures and I feel that we should be able to feel secure that it will never end. If you are interested in signing a petition to try to help reform adoption or have any other issues you would like to have brought forward please email me. Let's work together and bring an end to the sometimes pain and hurt involved with adoption.

[dmca]

LOL You will get LOTS of support here.
Good luck in your endeavor.
dmca

[MissyJ]

As an adoptee, I agree with you. BUT, birth parents are not the only ones who are lied to by agencies.

Adoptees are lied to by agencies as well. If not out right lies, we are given half-truths, un-truth and vague innuendos. Some adoptive parents will NOT tell the children the truth about their adoption, or even if the child is adopted!

I'm about to write a letter to birth parents in this forum. It will list a few nice things for you to do to assist us in finding you, OR what you should do if you don't want to hear from us.

I welcome any comments to my letter.

[msdesi]

I agree with what you're doing and admire that you're ready to take this to the next level and speak out.

My main thing, is I think if open/semi-open adoptions can not be made to be legally enforcable then the agencies need to start making this very clear to the expecting mom who is considering. Because in my experience they don't. In my experience they didn't inform me that in the legal sense, I have no rights to ask for the contact I was promised. I know it makes some upset when I point that out...but it's true. Sure, some adoptive couples are wonderful about it and can be trusted but since some cannot be, I think it's important that it be made very clear to any woman considering open adoption that the adoptive parents can close it anytime they want. That way, at least the mother can decide if she has enough trust to still go through with it.

[germangrloh]

Missy J, I completely agree with you. As I stated in my posting it is affecting everyone involved. It is just as damaging for the adoptee if open agreements stop. As a birthparent I can completely understand your frustration as well. I don't feel that agencies should be allowed to continue deceit towards anyone in adoption. Why are they legally in the right to disclose only the information they see fit and when they see fit? To me it is as if they are playing God in so many lives and I don't find it to be appropriate. I would love to hear more about what you have to say from an adoptee's view.

[germangrloh]

MsDesi,

You are absolutely right in that we are not openly given the information upfront. This is something I find amazing:
If you do a search on the web for Open Adoption will you get back: 1,780,271 results
That is astronomical! The more amazing part or issue is that there is not one agency or site that openly discusses that Open Adoption is a concept and not a legal form of adoption. That it is not legally enforceable! I find this to be absolutely apaulling! How can it be legal for them to decide when and how they tell a birthmother of the legality's? Just as anyone else the way it is presented I never would guess or assume that it is not legally binding in any way. They are not only affecting birthparents but also our children.

[MissyJ]

(Hon, you honestly don't want to hear my rant <GRIN>)

They only give what the State mandates. That's all, nothing else. There is even some talk of making all of that illegal. Like that's going to change our DNA when we are adopted? Yet, the States we were adopted in will not cover us or our children with full health insurance until we die.

When open record legislation comes into a state, very few want to take up the cause to pass it. When closed and more restrictive stances come forth, everyone who supports that bombards the legislators, or in some cases, it is very low key and very few know about it.

I agree with you about full disclosure and completely open adoptions that cannot be closed. Only then will adoption be considered "a perfect solution." Until then, we have birth mothers who feel threatened by the child they gave up. We have birth mothers who have never told their families. We have birth fathers who really don't give a flip nor have they told their families. We have adoptive parents who feel threatened by this biological connection to "their child."

Then comes pay back time. The adoptee needs information in order to stay alive or fight a disease that is hereditary. What happens then? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. "Aw, too bad, the person is sick and/or dying. Sorry, can't give that info out." OR, if the adoptee is really lucky, they'll get something. OR, how about the adoptee who died, they won't tell the birth parents -- because the adoptive parents never notified them. What a shame.

Until attitudes change, we cannot get laws changed. Until the "perfection" of adoptive parents, the "shame" of birth parents and the stigma on the child is changed, well....nothing can happen.

BTW, in my opinion, adoption is not about the birth mother. You see example after example about what a throw away person she really is. No help, no counseling, no nothing. It is not truly about the child either, if it was, they would give the information out. Adoption is about the adoptive parents and their quest for a child.

(my opinion)

[msdesi]

Originally Posted by germangrloh

MsDesi,

You are absolutely right in that we are not openly given the information upfront. This is something I find amazing:
If you do a search on the web for Open Adoption will you get back: 1,780,271 results
That is astronomical! The more amazing part or issue is that there is not one agency or site that openly discusses that Open Adoption is a concept and not a legal form of adoption. That it is not legally enforceable! I find this to be absolutely apaulling! How can it be legal for them to decide when and how they tell a birthmother of the legality's? Just as anyone else the way it is presented I never would guess or assume that it is not legally binding in any way. They are not only affecting birthparents but also our children.

You got it exactly right. I've wondered also what would be so wrong with having legally enforcable open/semi-open adoption contracts? Oh I've heard the usual argument about how "sometimes birthparents overstep boundries and that's bad for the child so we need to close" but surely there would be a provision in said contract that would protect the adoptive parents in the event of such a circumstance. I wonder why if a couple is saying "Yes we want open"...why not put paper to pen? If they want closed, let them say so and wait. Yes, the wait may be longer but honesty is best. Eventually a mom wanting closed would come along most likely, or not and if that's the case there's always international.

[Shellikin]

Originally Posted by germangrloh

I believe that it is time that changes be made in the adoption process. I believe that the government needs to make Open Adoptions either a legalized adoption situation or they need to not allow agencies to offer this glorified option to birthparents. Although I am completely happy with my sons family, I will always have the worries of will they ever cut my contact off.

Before I signed my rights over, the birth parents and I talked with my lawyer and agreed on the minimum amount of contact we were comfortable having, everything was signed in front of a judge. Basically, it means that they have to offer me that agreed upon minimum amount of contact... kinda like a child custody thing. Anything starts going wrong on either end, both sides can start up contact with our lawyers. It'd be a pain in the butt, but it prevents them from cutting off contact with me and me from cutting off contact with them. I also got my lawyer to change the relinquishment of parental rights so that if for some reason the adoption didn't go through with this couple, I get my son and my rights back.

Originally Posted by germangrloh

Lack of support, lack of counseling or knowledge of alternative options, lack of curtisy from many agencies by not disclosing the entire legalities with Open Adoption. In fact the only adoption there is by law is Closed Adoption. THere is nothing legally enforceable with Open Adoptions as far as the contact etc.

The counselor I saw with my local agency did counsel me on alternative methods. She even brought up two that I didn't even know about. None of them appealed to me. She asked me why they didn't appeal, why adoption was the appealing choice. She sent me home with optional homework -- weighing different options, making lists. I'm not sure about most agencies, but I dealt with two in the placement of my son and I don't feel that they mislead me or agve me incorrect information at any point in time. Granted, the counselor didn't even know I could alter the generic court documents. That was the only way I felt comfortable giving up my rights and the adoptive parents were very supportive.

I honestly agree with you... if I hadn't grown up with a father with a law degree, I probably wouldn't have known that I could make changes with the documents they were having me sign -- that I didn't have to sign them until I felt completely comfortable doing so. And truth be told, the judge could have easily not been comfortable with the changes I made and told me "no, you need to change this before I can agree to it." But he didn't. I'm now on as a resource for potential birth mothers with both of the agencies that I dealt with.

[germangrloh]

MissyJ,
I'm sorry to hear that it sounds you have had such an awful experience. I can completely understand your frustration.
Open adoptions however have been a major part of many birthmother or parents choice for adoption because they desire that connection or contact. They want the information to be available, and they want their child to never have questions unanswered. This is my quest towards adoption in protecting my rights as a birthparent to make sure my child and others do have that information and contact that they agreed upon. I agree also that adoption as a whole has to many ins and outs and not enough unity to consider the child. As a birthparent they/we do have a right to decide if we want to be known or not, and it's sad to hear that some wish to hide the issue.

[germangrloh]

Shellikin, You are one of the rare that have this enforceable. Unfortunatley the fact still remains it depends on the state in which you live etc. I was told that because my adoption went intrastate it wouldn't of mattered the laws in my state anyways because their state didn't have it legalized to enforce these agreements. It's always great to hear that there are some adoptions that are the way they are ment to be. As I have said prior I love and respect my son's family immensley and wouldnt change anything for the world. But it will always play in the back of my mind what if? I think that birthmothers and parents have that right of security in knowing the adoption will continue as intended. If you don't mind me asking what sort of agency did you go through, and what state do you live in?

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by MissyJ

(Hon, you honestly don't want to hear my rant <GRIN>)

They only give what the State mandates. That's all, nothing else. There is even some talk of making all of that illegal. Like that's going to change our DNA when we are adopted? Yet, the States we were adopted in will not cover us or our children with full health insurance until we die.

When open record legislation comes into a state, very few want to take up the cause to pass it. When closed and more restrictive stances come forth, everyone who supports that bombards the legislators, or in some cases, it is very low key and very few know about it.

I agree with you about full disclosure and completely open adoptions that cannot be closed. Only then will adoption be considered "a perfect solution." Until then, we have birth mothers who feel threatened by the child they gave up. We have birth mothers who have never told their families. We have birth fathers who really don't give a flip nor have they told their families. We have adoptive parents who feel threatened by this biological connection to "their child."

Then comes pay back time. The adoptee needs information in order to stay alive or fight a disease that is hereditary. What happens then? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. "Aw, too bad, the person is sick and/or dying. Sorry, can't give that info out." OR, if the adoptee is really lucky, they'll get something. OR, how about the adoptee who died, they won't tell the birth parents -- because the adoptive parents never notified them. What a shame.

Until attitudes change, we cannot get laws changed. Until the "perfection" of adoptive parents, the "shame" of birth parents and the stigma on the child is changed, well....nothing can happen.

BTW, in my opinion, adoption is not about the birth mother. You see example after example about what a throw away person she really is. No help, no counseling, no nothing. It is not truly about the child either, if it was, they would give the information out. Adoption is about the adoptive parents and their quest for a child.

(my opinion)

MissyJ,

I agree.

And your post wasn't a rant, its just real... and articulately spoken.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by MissyJ

As an adoptee, I agree with you. BUT, birth parents are not the only ones who are lied to by agencies.

Adoptees are lied to by agencies as well. If not out right lies, we are given half-truths, un-truth and vague innuendos. Some adoptive parents will NOT tell the children the truth about their adoption, or even if the child is adopted!

Yes, my son was lied to... and he was deeply hurt through all of it. This in turn has hurt me. Grief upon grief.

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by germangrloh

MissyJ,
I'm sorry to hear that it sounds you have had such an awful experience. I can completely understand your frustration.
Open adoptions however have been a major part of many birthmother or parents choice for adoption because they desire that connection or contact. They want the information to be available, and they want their child to never have questions unanswered. This is my quest towards adoption in protecting my rights as a birthparent to make sure my child and others do have that information and contact that they agreed upon. I agree also that adoption as a whole has to many ins and outs and not enough unity to consider the child. As a birthparent they/we do have a right to decide if we want to be known or not, and it's sad to hear that some wish to hide the issue.

Actually, on the whole, I have had a great experience. I had a wonderful father and brother, a good mom and a wonderful birth mother (and her family).

(This is my rant: only 5 States are open.)

In the State I was born and adopted in, I am not allowed information. If not for a search angel and a clarification of one thing, I never would have found my birth mom.

I would love for open adoptions to be the norm. Unfortunately, I was born during the time period of extreme closed adoptions. My birth mother was not allowed to choose the family, know if I was a boy or girl, and was told not to contact the agency after the relinquishment.

There are adoptees "out there" who have been searching for their birth parents for years. Why? Because we are not allowed information. There are adoptees "out there" like me, who were not told about their adoption until after the death of both a/parents.

If open adoptions do become closed. What to do then? What happens when your child turns 18? Will they be allowed info? Good question. I just hope more States have open records legislation passed by that time.

Merrill, I know what you mean. When I showed my NID to my b/mom, she was floored. She then took a pencil and proceeded to correct over 70% of the information I received. (and there was just 1 page on her, triple spaced, most lines had less than 4 words.) Oh well... The worst part? She actually thought that I would be given her name and date of birth.

[germangrloh]

A question to anyone willing to share that is involved with open adoptions:
When was it explained to you that the contact agreements were not legally enforceable? Second: The way open adoption was explained to you by your agency wether through their information or by a adoption specialist that worked with them, was it made clear to you that Open Adoption was really just a concept and still a standard (closed) adoption?