[SchmennaLeigh]

Looking past what we prefer to be called (birthparents, firstparents, biological parents, natural parents... whatever)... what are your OTHER language pet peeves in response to either adoption in general or your place in the adoption triad?

I will share my example to get discussion going. I just wrote about how I don't like, as a firstmother, being called an angel. It makes me feel like more of a failure because I am not, in fact, anything remotely angelic.

I am smart enough to know that some of the comments that annoy the bejeebus out of me/us come with the best of intentions. How do you either ignore them, accept them or educate the unknowing offender? Is there a proper way to do this?

Discuss.

[tyiakoum]

Jenna, I don't have a pet peeve per se, but it bugs me when people say they are "matched" with an expectant mom. It sounds like dating to me. I guess I'd prefer "chosen" over "matched". Because you truly are "chosen".

I agree w/the angel stuff. I'd like to think that I'm perfect but guess what? I'm human. Now my MIL, SHE'S a saint!

All I can say is, from your posts I have learned (and we are in a triad group, and this has NEVER been discussed in the group!) that it is never ok to call an expectant mom "birthmom". It is so true. I never even thought about the ramifications of that term until you pointed it out in one of your posts. I guess because this forum, and all the adoption verbiage, uses Birthparent/mom as a catch-all term.

It has made me really aware of adoption language.

What I would say to you is this, tactfully and sensitively addressing hotbutton issues is never a bad thing. It gets people thinking, even if initially they are confused or angry about the discourse.

[BrandyHagz]

I don’t quite know how to word it…

I dislike, very much, the whole ‘selfless act’ attitude regarding adoption as a whole.

I didn’t place because I was ‘selfless’ as I’m sure a number of others didn’t place for ‘selfless’ reasons either.

M’s parents didn’t adopt for ‘selfless’ reasons – they wanted a baby, they wanted to be parents, they couldn’t give birth, so they adopted – nothing selfless about that…its not like they’ve donated their entire paycheck every month to refugees in Uganda or something…to me, that’s selfless!

I could go on and on…

Poor
Drug addicted
Easy (seen this one recently)
Uneducated
Lower social class
Different

These are all stereotypes that bother me personally – because none of them apply to me personally (well, except the different one, I am different) and I hate seeing the stereotype of the young, poor birthmother who has a drug problem, spends a lot of time in jail when she isn’t having sex with her various boyfriends in her government apartment, used to define who I am, because I am a birthmom.

I basically hate ALL stereotypes in adoption. Adoption is NOT a one size fits all institution…each and every person and situation is as unique as a snowflake…you can’t put it in a box and tie a label on it and make them all look the same.

Oh, one last thing – recently a woman told me she knew what it was like to be a birthmother because she’d sent her grown child off to college and that gave her great insight…ya, ok.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Uh, kids growing up and moving on isn't anything like being a birthmother. LOL.

Thanks for those. More interesting tidbits.

[BrandyHagz]

Ya Jenna, I know. This actually turned into a very long drawn out discussion where he walked away still thinking that she knew what it was like to be a birthmother...it's very sad.

Really, I'm not sure someone would want to *try* to relate...but thats ok.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Okay, since we know that getting others to "relate" is basically impossible... can we at least help them understand?

Or is it a losing battle no matter what way you fight it?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I hate...as an adoptive foster parent being called a "saint" or told what a blessing I am to my boys. HELLO!!! They are a blessing to ME!! As far as saint-hood goes, with some of the things I have done things in my life it will take a WHOLE lot more than adopting 2 beautiful baby boys before I can even come close to redemption let alone saint-hood!

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm not a birthmom, so I really hope you don't mind me chiming in, but I hate hate HATE with a passion being told how "lucky" my children are that we adopted them. We are blessed to be a family, it's that simple.

[msdesi]

It annoys me when people take the condesending voice and say something to the effect of:

"You made the best decision for your child and that's what being a good parent is all about."

Ok. I know they mean well. But right there it's being implied that I am somehow naturally flawed and unfit but oh don't worry I'm being forgiven by them because I was smart enough to know it. Perhaps I'm being too cynical, but that's what I'm hearing and I don't like it.

I usually reply along the lines of: "It's hard to know looking back if I did make the best decision, but I can say that I did what I felt I had to at that time, given the circumstances."

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I could go on and on…

Poor
Drug addicted
Easy (seen this one recently)
Uneducated
Lower social class
Different

Yup - what Brandy said.

When my daughter was considering adoption and was labeled a "birthmother", all of the above were assumed about her (and us). None are true.

And guess what!!??? She decided to raise her son, and all of the above is still assumed because she is a single mom.

We ignore them. Some are self correcting. My daughter recently bought a new "wagon" version of her favorite VW Passat (German car girl all the way). On the way out of the grocery store the other day, she got some nasty comments (she looks young for her age) from a "lady" who assumed she was on WIC (not true again). My daughter hopped into her fully loaded gem with her baby, buzzed past Ms. Nasty who was loading her crappy old van, and gave her a friendly "beep-beep". She's learned to be a spunky gal - had to - KWIM!?

Happy G'Ma

[msdesi]

I've been thinking more about this post since I replied first time, and thought of a couple more statements that annoy me. Forgive me, but people seem to think they are being incredibly wise and comforting when they say these things, but hearing this type of thing sounds to me very much canned, generic, and somewhat offensive.

"Well I'm sure your child is SO well loved and taken care of!"

Yes, as opposed to my unloving and unfit home. (sarcasm)

"What a wonderful gift you gave!"

My daughter was not a gift.

"Oh! Such an act of love...but I could NEVER do THAT if it was one of MY kids!"

That feels like a cleverly disguised guilt trip and disapproval.

I've also heard well-meaning comments that I disliked after my miscarriages, but that's a whole another subject.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I tend to understand well meant comments after miscarriage more than adoption related ones. Though, frankly, even when people talked to me after my recent miscarriage, I just blocked out everything that they were saying. I know that a pregancy at that point could have been detrimental to my health and my kidney... but it's not what I wanted to hear at the time.

I think we've clarified that most people do mean well... they just aren't educated.

I'm just torn on when is the appropriate time to educate these people and how to go about it. Very interesting!

[Lilacsandroses]

Lately, the term "reunion" has been bothering me.....I was found, I got letters, now I get e-mails, for the last 1 1/2 years. We aren't in reunion, we are merely trying to connect, and all the wires aren't matched up yet ....so I tend to say that we are trying to re-connect.

I think that once we feel that we've matched as many of those wires again that we possible can, then we'll figure out if we can re-unite!

Right now, we're just twisted wires looking for a familiar spark...

(wow, that sounded cool... )

[cnb1099]

OK an adoptee chiming in here..These are just a few of the "terms" that irk me.

Oh, so you are not your parents "natural" child?
So does that make me unnatural????

"Real" mom....who's definition of real are we using????

I generally dislike terms that try to make any member of the triad uncomfortable..like you can label it and put it in a nice neat little box and make it look pretty.

[dmca]

I like the term reconnect too. I just thought of that in the last few days.
dmca