[josh1788smom]

I have this posted on a couple forums but am going totally crazy and appreciate any thoughts anyone has on this mess.

OK - here is the skinny. Anyone who has read my threads knows I have a son I am anxious to be reunited with once he is of age. He turns 18 soon. What you don't know is my husband was married before we got married and has an evil, vicious ex-wife. They were married 3 years and have been apart 15 - although the legalities make it like 12 or 13 years divorced. They had a son (14 - born after they separated) who was adopted by her husband 8 years ago. We love him dearly but could not bear to have him tangled in this mess of hatred between her and my husband. We have, at her request, had no contact with him in 4 years. Although, he has come to our house a couple times without her knowing it, and we would never turn him away, but even that has been 2 years or so.

The other day I was on myspace, and I noticed she had a myspace site. It said something mean about my husband and I thought - how sad she still thinks of him like that. I was trying to tell a friend about it and pulled her site up yesterday - to my surprise - my birthson, the one I am hoping to reunite with - is in her list of friends. He lives in a different town, and I have no clue how or why she would make contact with him except to hurt me. I am so confused, and to be honest, freaking that she gets on here and reads the posts I come to for support.

OK - so I call my dad's cousin - the adoptive father of my son. Have not talked to him in 17 years. We are family though, and the parent instinct kicked in. I would not want a 45 year old soliciting my children online. He was sort of unmoved by it. He said he would talk to my son about it but did not view her as a threat. My dad's cousin also said a couple things I felt were a little hurtful to me about how my son doesn't even want to know me - etc, but the point of my call was to protect my son, so I put that aside. It still hurt.

Since I had him on the phone, and the birthday is nearing, I even asked the adad if we could approach him together rather than me contact him around the aparents. Adad said he did not think amom would have that as she has known I wanted contact with him all along, and she knows the day is coming. I still think & I have read so many posts where going at reunion together (aparents and bparents - and for Godsake - we are relatives - although I don't think that matters much to them) is a positive. They don't feel the same way - they think maybe if I call him in a few years it will be ok - but they seem to revel in telling me he doesn't want anything to do with his b-father, which I don't think is true but even if it is, why would you want that for your child?

Couple this with the fact my son's bio-father called him this summer, I just don't understand why I can't have peace and quiet until he and I are able and ready to reunite.

I was never in favor of his adoption, but I have respected his family and the court order, why does this crap keep happening when we are so close to being able to know each other? I don't want him to know the whole nasty story yet, and trust me, it's not because it produces an unfavorable light on me, it's the other way around.

Words of wisdom are appreciated - I am just beyond knowing what to think .

[lilifelover]

I don't think I completely understand the situation, but I sure hope that someone out there will help you. I know you aren't the only one going through complicated messes like this one, and there will be hope in all this! Best wishes to you, I wish I could help...but my only advice is to not give up, never stoop to their mean level and always keep your son's best interests at heart. You'll see him someday...the hard part of finding him is already behind you! Some spend 30 years trying to do that! There's hardships ahead too, but you can get through them! Good luck, God bless!

[healingfeeling]

okay,

Could your husband or you call this woman and confront her. Clearly she is trying to hurt you. How old is your husband's son?

[whitsunday15]

Okay, this is one of the craziest stories I've heard in a long time.
I am so sorry that you are going through this mess. Do you think that your son knows that the woman that he is "friends" with on myspace is your husband's ex-wife? It's possible that he doesn't know how she is related to your family.
It is still weird that she contacted him. Hopefully your son will see how bizarre that is for himself and not take anything she says to heart.

[Sniffles]

I agree with whit. Are you really sure they are friends. I keep a tight control on who my son has as friends on myspace. I would never let him have someone he does not know on there.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sending you cyber hugs.

Angela

[InBlindFaith]

There is the possiblity your bson could of accepted her as a friend because some people like to "collect" them in their friends box. He could of accepted her without asking any questions.

I would have your husband speak with her. It sounds like she has some very serious issues she needs to deal with.

The a-dad possibly played it off as no biggie to you on the phone, then when he hung up he might of checked into it. You never know. You can only do so much to protect your bson...the a-parents will need to do what they can to protect him from this woman.

[josh1788smom]

My husband's son is 14. I think her only intention is to hurt me. In the story in her head, my son was "taken away from me" and she has translated that to mean the state or CPS or something, which is not true. I think my son did just add her because she requested it - and I don't really think she's dropped any bombs yet, although it is not out of the possibilities for her. I think she wants a reaction out of me seeing him on her myspace - so far I've gone on like I never saw it. But I have to admit, I was scared to post anything here because I was afraid she looks at this too. I was completely freaking though and needed some kind words. Thanks.

[InBlindFaith]

It will be okay. Hopefully she will lose interest and decide to harrass someone else.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I applaud you for having the courage to call the adad to speak parent to parent out of concern for your son, in spite of your history and all the awkwardness. That was a truly adult thing to do. And then to offer/request that they be present and involved for a reunion with your bson was also generous, mature and respectful. I know it wasn't because you respect them (I've read your story) but because you want to do the best thing and make a healthier situation for the boy. That's positively parental!

I've heard your anger and your hurt in your other posts, I know that this is something that you have been deeply wounded by and that you have been counting the days to his 18th bday. So I really respect that you have the maturity to set the past aside and still make the offer to his parents to work together with you, rather than just going straight for the boy. Taking the higher road. Doing not you feel "justified" in doing, but doing what will be best for your kid. Please accept my encouragement and support to stay that course, even when it feels like it sucks!

As for what he said about the boy not being interested in his bfamily. How could that not hurt? Deeply. But let me encourage you that it may not bepersonal as far as the boy is concerned. I know your history with the parents is VERY personal. But the kid is probably clueless about most if not all of it, at this point and just knows he's adopted- so it's probably just a developmental thing for the boy. It's not unusual for a high school senior boy to be interested in just his own little world as he knows it (girls, friends, girls, cars, girls, dating, girls, guitars, girls, sports, girls etc. ) and not have any desire to go outside of their little personal sphere. I have one. I'm the amom. And I would never prevent the bmom from reunion- when my son is ready and wants it. And he just doesn't. No anger or prejudice. Just lack of interest. I've seen many other posts that affirm that it's pretty rare for an 18-yr-old (boy, especially) to be ready and willing to reunite.

You have 2 major challenges:

1. the parents know that the adoption was against your will and have probably lived in dread for the day when that will be brought home for reckoning. Even if you don't intend to bring it up to the boy, I imagine they think you are probably dying to tell him. And they fear that. They have good reason to fear it. They will likely not be supportive of a reunion any time soon.

2. Number 1 makes it a hard situation for the boy, especially since, in spite of legal adulthood, he's still a kid living with his parents, just moving along the long road to independence and adulthood- which is when really caring about things outside of his own amusement and his own world will kick in.

So I hope for you, that you have a really good support system for the likelihood that he won't be ready at 18, even though that is when the legal "wall" falls for you. I hope you have someone to hug you all the way through to when he is ready and willing to meet and get to know you. And when you feel like just acting out in anger or frustration- just whip out a post or call a friend or picture little me hugging you saying "Keep taking the high road honey- it WILL pay off. The truth will out. The truth will set you free."

You have been a CHAMP so far. Keep hanging in honey. Keep hanging in.

[josh1788smom]

Thank you for all your kind and supportive words, and zxczxcasdasd, I can't thank you enough. You provided more encouragement than you could ever know. It's funny, if I read through this post it sounds like a bad Jerry Springer episode, and that is not my life. I think I am pretty average all the way around, except I am taller than most women, so I guess I am tall and average (haha) . Getting as close to his birthday as it is, I am now entering the fear stage of what if he tells me to pound salt. I don't know what I would do. I do know that he has not logged into myspace since I called the adad. I don't know if he is hiding from me, crazy ex, or just taking a breather from this side of life. When I talked to his adad I mentioned about bdad calling him this summer, and adad said, "yeah and he basically told him never to call him again, haha", which I have gone over in my head a dozen times since he said it. First, the bdad told me he called and told me son said call back after his birthday. Second, why would adad be happy about that. Bdad was an 18 year old when he became his father, doesn't he deserve a chance at knowing him now? Adad has benefited from bdad's youth and lack of courage. I cannot imagine being so self-centered to not want to share these wonderful beings we call our children with the world (minus all the crazies).

[katlyn]

Wow, that sounds like a show for Oprah or Montel or something....I just don't understand how adults can be so spiteful to one another without any consideration for the innocent children involved. I truly believe that ppl like this should never have been allowed to have children. I myself don't know what good would come out of your husband confronting her on the myspace issue, if she's as malicious as you say she is, then she might just try to do something more evil and hurtful just to spite him AND YOU. I will keep you in my prayers and I am so dreadfully sorry that your own family seems to devalue your feelings and concerns toward YOUR son's welfare. I wish you all the best towards a speedy and wonderful reunion with your son.

[tyiakoum]

one thing i learned when my mom was dying and she was being released from the nursing home to my stepdad... i was freaked out and went to the social worker at the rehab place. i said to her what the real deal was w/my stepdad... and that i didn't think he would be able to handle my mom's disabilities as she died. i told her i thought our family was dysfunctional.

she said to me, honey... EVERY family is dysfunctional. my parents lived in Litchfield county, CT one of the wealthiest places on the planet. Old, old $$$. And, this lady was basically saying, it doesn't matter how much money or how classy you think you are. Everyone is a Jerry Springer episode if you truly deconstruct your family and stuff that happens in your life!

That made me feel better... but my worries were for nothing as mom died two days later of a massive bleed out from her brain tumor. stepdad found a look-alike, act-alike girlfriend about 4 mos later and they got engaged a year later. appalling! now i know how paul mccartney's family felt when linda died and he glommed onto that young woman he's now divorcing!