[germangrloh]

When I found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed... I had just given birth to my daughter only 9 months prior and was so careful. I wasn't ready to raise another child. I was already working so hard at doing everything I could to ensure a promising future for my daughter. How would I be able to provide them both with that future? The story is to long to explain how God sent my son's parents to me. But I couldn't ask for a more amazing, loving family. The agency set us up in only the 3rd month of pregnancy as it was so important for me to get to know this family the best that I could. They lived so far away, but we emailed daily, had phone confrences weekly, we had built this special relationship. We met several times before my son was born... I was so honored that they took the time to fly from the west coast all the way to the east coast to meet me and to get to know me. They had so much respect and admiration for the sacrafice I was making and the gift I was giving them. I thought that if I kept my distance from enjoying my pregnancy it would be easier when it was time to deliver. But as that time grew closer it was hard not to love and bond with that little person growing inside of you. My delivery was everything I wanted it to be... the family in the room, to welcome their son, and them being able to experience every part of his birth.
The three days in the hospital was the hardest as it went by so quickly. It seemed like there just wasn't enough time. I'll never forget the last hour I spent with my son before signing.... Rocking him as he rested on my chest, the warmth of his heart and his little smiles as he held my finger. That perfect little baby smell and the feel of his soft skin. And then you sign, and you watch your son get in the car in front of you as you drive away. Although I did an open adoption, and I have hundreds of pictures and videos, and continue to receive them... How do you get over loosing that piece of you? Sleepless nights of images replaying in your mind over and over? Feeling so guilty for giving one child everything you could hope and dream, while raising another feeling they should have the same but they don't? How do you find support from loved ones who dont' understand what you are going through? Making you feel like you are a terrible persona and that you are responsible for feeling this way for making that decision? How do you just get someone to understand that all you need is a long warm hug and a shoulder to cry on? It's been three weeks since my son Lucas's surrender and I don't think I've ever felt this emotional and alone in my life. How do you begin to move on and enjoy your life again and your other child without feeling guilty as if you are forgeting the other?

[Leigh131313]

I have no words of wisdom for you, however I have many warm thoughts and cyber-hugs.

Take care of yourself, your son and daughter need you.

[mikiment]

I too have no real words of wisdom. Just wanted to say I saw your post and will keep you in my prayers for comfort and peace. Best wishes and God bless.

[baby1995]

i dont think you ever get over losing a piece of you. it's something that you deal with. i feel guilty also about placing my daughter and now having another daughter. especially seeming them interact. it's going to be a long hard road. that is something that is guaranteed. but you are giving your child a chance at a life that you couldn't give to her at the time. it's very courageous to let your child go and know that there is a better life for your child with her parents. she is starting her own life now with her family and you'll always love her and she'll always love you. i hope that you can see the bright side of adoption sometimes the sadness is overwhelming but just think of all the positve things that you did for your baby.

[whitmar]

As well, I'm not sure what to say but that you've made an amazing sacrifice for your son......You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[julien3]

I just gave birth to my daughter a week ago. Same situation as you, except I have 3 little ones at home. The aparents are amazing people. I know in my heart that she is loved and always will be. But that guilt your feeling is also there for me. I keep wandering around the house as if I have lost something that I can't find. My daughter was premature.(31 weeks). I am not even able to hold her. I held her for a brief moment after she was born, but that was not enough.When I go to the hospital to see her, I feel like an outsider. That I don't belong there. You seem to have as much support as I do. The birthfather, whom I have beem with for 11 years, won't even talk about it. He acts as if I were never pregnant and that our daughter doesn't exist. And my sister has tried to be supportive, but she also, just doesn't want to talk about it. Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to letyou know that all those feelings you are having, there is someone going through the exact same thing. My prayers are with you and if you want to talk I am here. Julie

[germangrloh]

Hi Julie, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your posting sooner. I have been unable to log online. As like you I would love to be an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on and a computer hug when needed. I'm sorry to hear the things you are going through. I've been going to counseling to help with the guilt that I've been feeling for my decision. It's so hard dealing with the grief and loss when you don't have the support that's needed. I hope your daughter and you are doing well, and I am hear if you ever want to chat more one on one

[Mandy4President]

Dropping in from the Guat board...

Your posts break my heart. I have absolutely no advice for you besides I'm sure you did the best thing for these babies by finding them loving homes. I hope you are able to find peace with your decision.

Extra hugs coming your way...

[josh1788smom]

My heart hurts for you. I cannot offer any wise words except - it sounds like you and the family grew a wonderful relationship - and although they are far away - I pray they will keep it open always and your children will always know each other and you will always be a special person in your son's life. Time is all that can help ease your painful feelings. There are many on here that will pray that as time goes on, your pain will subside. God Bless You and your children.

Erikka

[icare4you]

I can tell that you are strong and will get thru this very hard time. I choose not to hold my daughter when she was born because I was afraid I wouldn't have been able to let her go. But you were able to visit with your son even though you knew you would have to say goodbye. That takes strength! I had two children at home when I placed my daughter up for adoption so I had others to worry about, too. When I feel guilty I push myself to give the two I have with me even more love. I know I am missing out on so much but I feel if I would have kept her with us I would have been taking something away from the two I have now. As for people around you not understanding...they won't ever really get it. That is why you come here. We feel the same things you feel as a birthmother. This is one of those things that you have to personally experience to understand all of the layers involved.

I hope I helped even if it was just a little.

[germangrloh]

Thank you for all the kind words. Every response is just as precious as the other. I am so happy that I have this forum for a shoulder to lean on. It has been a blessing having support when it's needed most! God Bless everyone and all of their kind words Hugs to All!
Wendy

[logan05]

Hey, I know how you feel, my family pretends to this day that Logan still doesnt exist. It drives them nuts that there are pictures of him in my house. I wish I could tell you that it will get better on your own but it wont. Are you seeing a counsler or anyone for support? I am more then willing to chat with you. Know that I am sending you and email hug. Im here if you need me.

[justme92844]

i do understand, i've been there. you never forget, but just know in your heart you did the right thing as a mother for you child. Big huggs

[germangrloh]

Thank you for your hugs. Yes I am seeing a counselor and it has been helping alot. But no matter what it always has it's painful moments. I guess it's so frustrating when people judge that aren't in your shoes. My father always told me you must deal with the consequences of your actions. He has pretty much disowned me since the pregnancy and adoption. I guess he doesn't realize I deal with it every day and will the rest of my life. I thought having the most loving family and best relationship with them would make things so much simpilar and easier. But it's just as hard! Again, thank you for your hugs, and some back at you

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by germangrloh

My father always told me you must deal with the consequences of your actions. He has pretty much disowned me since the pregnancy and adoption. I guess he doesn't realize I deal with it every day and will the rest of my life.

It is so hard when our parents cannot love us the way we need to be loved. Especially at a time like this the shelter of our parents arms can feel like a safe haven. I am so sorry he cannot give that to you. He might be dealing with his own issues of grief or feeling like he somehow failed as a parent. Whether rational or not even parents sometimes have a hard time rising above their emotions.