[emilyangel]

god, that sounds so weird. but i just feel like i don't.

i feel so alone with this whole thing. i just, i miss her is all. i don't regret it, nothing bad, just i miss her.

i don't know how. i need to live my life like she doesn't exist, i need to move on. i live 3000 miles away from any family or friends, and from her.

everyone here is part of my 'new' life. my SO, his family, and even now, some new friends (took me a while to make, but i have and it's wonderful).

but it all seems like just a completely seperate life, and i'm a completely seperate person.

it's the same problem over and over. the ONE thing i can't seem to work through and the ONE reason (regarding the adoption) that lets me know i NEED counseling.

i can't get over this feeling of having to live two lives, and being sad over the fact that she's part of my old life, and 'can't' be part of the new one

i don't think i'm asking for advice. i don't think there is any, other than get counseling..lol which, i just cannot afford right now, and am getting the run-around from medi-cal (long story)

i just wanna know it'll be okay someday, and i'll find a way to deal with this someday.

[wilted rose]

Jen, Is it your bmother you're speaking about? I hear the pain in your post. For me, when I was first reunited and now, still I struggle, between my anger, grief and but my oh so intense feelings. The anger I can identify, the grief now, I can identify, loving her as I do... now that terrifies me. Stay with us, keep sharing it, has helped me immensly. Much like emotional processing.
Hugs
Rose

[emilyangel]

Nope, my bdaughter. She's 2 years old.

[Tigger27]

Jen,

While I can't guarantee it will definitely be okay for you one day, I can tell you that for me, it got okay as time went on and I went through counseling.

It still is hard to deal with at times especially at this time of year with Mother's Day. It's an ongoing process dealing with everything and making things okay for myself from day to day and since I learned some things from counseling, I've been better able to cope and deal with things as time goes on.

So, I can tell you that there's hope for it to be okay one day in the future.

Hugs. Hang in there, I know it's harder sometimes more than others.

Anne

[wilted rose]

Jen, there are many bmoms here that can relate, so my advice is the same, just being heard by someone that understands, we all have fears. Sharing with others about it, it does help. Anne, special hugs to you as well
Rose

[Montraviatommyg]

Emily,

Your daughter will always be part of you so how you deal with it makes a difference. For 23 years my son wasn't talked about and I didn't get any help, support or counselling so buried my feelings. My son's adoption was closed and I was told to forget about my son and I would have more (I didn't ). I was also told that I would never be allowed to search but he could when he was 18 but that would be extremely unlikely as he would have a happy life with his parents.

I found my son in Aug 2004 although I wasn't searching and I am glad I did despite what's happened since then. However I do regret not getting support pre-reunion as finding him opened the proverbial can of worms. I am thankful I was told about the forums as I have had a tremedous amount of support here from people who do understand what it's like.

Pip