[DavidKed]

Most of the time, I am tough as nails and I am the man you want in your corner in a crisis. Managing crisis is what I do best - I am cool, calm, positive, and I will find a way out of the crisis (because I always believe I can find a way out). Example - 2 weeks ago, I saved a 43 year old company from going under. They were toast before I got involved. I was at my absolute best with the management team - pushing them to act in the right direction, keeping them positive, and find answers to impossible problems. One member of the management team said about me - I have never seen anyone that good or that brilliant before. And, I do it every day in a ton of different crisis situations and I never ever lose an ounce of control. I used to post here a bit but I stopped and got "back in the game". Everything has just been so awesome for me.

Well, today I got an email from my son's adoptive father. It was the first time I heard from him since 1987. I am sitting in my room and I am a complete wreck and I cant move. I feel gone and I am twitching - the only thing on this planet that makes me twitch.

I don't understand why the adoption has such an effect on me but I hate. It turns me into something I am not. It turns me into a scared shaking little child. This will pass but the thing I hate is that there is a part of me that always knows it is lurking and that knows it is hiding in the shadows waiting to attack me.

I have such a wonderful life. Why wont it leave me alone?

[Benedicta]

Quote by David Ked
I have such a wonderful life. Why wont it leave me alone?[/quote]

You ask a very important question David . One I asked myself for many years (as a bmom).

It was finally answered for me when I heard a Catholic priest say that God intends certain relationships to have permanency in our lives. For example children & parents.
So even though children & parents may be separated , for whatever reason, they continue to impact each others lives down thru the years.

Now, this explanation may easily be discarded by non-believers , but truth is truth, it stands on its own merit.

BTW: I empathize w/ your pain and am sorry that you are suffering , but I am so uplifted to see that a male, a birth-father actually can experience & acknowledge this pain - especially a mover & shaker like yourself . I am not being sarcastic here; you give me great hope for the male of our species!

To speak to this issue in another way: I've heard it said that although in the physical realm things can be separated , in the spiritual realm there is no separation . Think matrix, or interconnectedness.
Consider that you are still connecterd to your son;that he continues to impact your life & you his, even though you are physically separated.

I hope for a bright & healing future for you & your son.

I thank you for your honesty; it speaks of courage to me. I hope you continue to post here on the forum, as you have much to offer all of us. We so need to hear more from birth fathers.

victoria

[bmomliz16]

I agree with Victoria. I now have some faith restored in the male race.

I got my bdaughter a bracelet with the Chinese legend - that might not be the right word - but it says ---- "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread my stretch or tangle, but will never break." I know it's been more or less referring to adoptive parents, but I think it fits us all.

We are all connected, always will be. IMO - it won't let YOU go until you face it head on.

Good luck to you.

[Montraviatommyg]

David,

You are proving to yourself that you are human and with normal feelings with regards to adoption. Thank you for being honest and sharing with us...you're an asset on these forums as you are showing that men do care.

Pip

[Lucy_Mom]

Originally Posted by DavidKed

Well, today I got an email from my son's adoptive father. It was the first time I heard from him since 1987. I am sitting in my room and I am a complete wreck and I cant move. I feel gone and I am twitching - the only thing on this planet that makes me twitch.

I don't understand why the adoption has such an effect on me but I hate. It turns me into something I am not. It turns me into a scared shaking little child. This will pass but the thing I hate is that there is a part of me that always knows it is lurking and that knows it is hiding in the shadows waiting to attack me.

I have such a wonderful life. Why wont it leave me alone?

i don't have the answer but you are not alone ... it's been hitting me in waves recently that this won't leave me alone. And sometimes I have a very hard time accepting that.

When it comes to me contacting my bson's amother, the physiological changes that come over me are UNBELIEVABLE -- my heart thumps so loudly I'm sure every one else must hear it, my blood pressure goes through the roof, and I feel like a scared, shaking child. If my husband is talking to amom on the phone, I can't bear to be in the same room.

I really don't know why it has the effect on me that it does, but it does. Like you, I consider myself successful in life, but oh, this has the power to bring me undone.

Lucy

[sspete]

You are CERTAINLY NOT ALONE....I have always considered myself strong and totally in charge of my surroundings.

When it comes to my bdaughter or any of my children for that matter....I am a BIG MUSH!!!!

Hang in there....WE UNDERSTAND!!!!

Staci

[vera19]

David,

I am a birthmom that chose adoption 2 years ago. And it has never left me alone since. people around me see me as a strong independant person..but i know on the inside that i am not as strong as people see me. its a horrible feeling. But what ive told myself is that it will never go away for as long as i live..so there must be another way then to feel guilty, weak, or whatever the unique situation may be. I konw that overtime i will learn to adapt to my situation..and understand and accept it more. Just realizing that "it will never leave you alone" is enough.. finding and accepting ways to deal with the hard times is the hardest. and im sure everyone whether birthmother, or birthfather finds their way over time..so i know one day you will find your way as well.

[Pinakitha]

Originally Posted by vera19

im sure everyone whether birthmother, or birthfather finds their way over time..so i know one day you will find your way as well.

How I wish that were true! Wait another 20 or 30 years love, and see if you have "gotten over it". Sadly, I don't think any of us ever can do that completely.

[vera19]

sorry but i didnt mean that he will have "gotten over it"!!! im a birthmother myself and i know i will never get over with... i simply believe that i will one day find a way thats right for me to deal with the hard times..other then just being depressed... one day i know i will accept it...and i know it will still be hard!

[bromanchik]

You know, I have one of the best open adoptions I know of. My son's parents and I love and respect each other and consider each other family. 21 years later I still worry about being rejected. I still get butterflies (or bats sometimes) asking for contact. Why? I think it's shame based. That somehow I am not worthy. Intellectually I know this is nuts, emotionally, it still exists. I have learned not to let it affect my actions though, so that's some progress.

[DavidKed]

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I replied to my son's adoptive father and he responded with a really insulting email. He gave me the whole "he calls me dad and not you" routine and a lot of the other typical crap. He also knew exactly nothing about me or the birthmother. It is funny that the bmom and me suffered terribly for almost 20 years and this guy couldnt have cared less. He just wanted our baby and couldnt be bothered with anything else. He said that he heard I skipped town the second I heard (hmmm..I wonder what the agency told him) and he thought very little of the bmom and was very dismissive of her with comments like, "I understand she wasnt on drugs" (because of course most bmoms are right) and she had a crappy life (implying our son was so lucky be with him).

Well, I about snapped and wanted to say every cruel thing in the world to him. I really wanted to say some really nasty things about his divorce. instead, I responded respectfully but very forcefully. I certainly wasnt going to let him insult me or the bmom and I made it crystal clear that if he was to have any relationship with me then he was going to treat me with decency and respect and that nothing less will be tolerated. I set the record straight and told him the story of the pregnacy and that I was there every second. I told him that I have never been a better man and I have never been a better dad as I was in 1987. I told him that I have accomplished so many things in my life but there is nothing that I am more proud of then my actions during those dark days. He wasn't going to play the shame game or the "you need my permission to see my son" game with me. I told him that I accept my decisions and that means that if I never see my son then so be it. Oddly, I would rather never see my son then to be treated disrespectfully or to feel inferior. Even seeing my son is not worth my pride and I made that clear.

I also told him how wonderful the birthmom is and that he simply doesnt get to judge her ever. I told him that I have never seen another person with the strength and character she has. I finished my comments about he by telling him about the stunning young girl with the dancing wildfire eyes who didnt have a care in the world and I let him know what took that away.

It was a very hard letter to write with the correct nuance - forceful but completely respectful with no subtle little shots (which are incredibly easy to inject). I needed to focus on how the letter would affect my son, the bmom, and the aparents. The hardest comment to address was the "he calls me dad" crap. I thought a long time about that and I didnt want to get into a fight about "who is dad" but I didn't want to let it go unaddressed either as it had to be put to bed - so, I simply said, "We did what we did for him. To me, who he now calls dad is only a minor detail".

The letter (email) was only 2 pages but it took a full 8 hours to get right. I had my wife review it many times to help remove even the smallest hints of anger. When I sent it I knew the response would tell me if I wrote it correctly. If he didnt respond or if he responded angrily then I failed in my letter. If he apologized, struck a different tone with me, and started acting respectfully then I did a good job. Well, it took him less then 24 hours to respond and the letter was a success - he apologized many times and thanked me for sharing details he didnt know. He also said he didnt want his other letter to hinder our relationship and he wants to meet me.

As I always believe - treat people with respect and demand it back and they will treat you in kind. Let people disrespect you, shame you, and act superior to you and they will do so. So, it appears we have a better basis to start a relationship. (However, he will now have to work hard to truly earn my respect and I will work hard to earn his). This basis can only help my relationship with my son.

When I started this thread I was a mess. There were a couple of nights I woke up in the middle of the night and lost it completely. However, I feel so much better now as I took such strength in writing the correct response. It is easy to act nice and respectful when you are happy and treated well. It is a MUCH harder thing to do when you are upset and when you have been treated badly. I always find such strength in doing the right thing when the chips are down and I take great strength in living with a code of honor. I have failed this code, but very rarely.

[kakuehl]

Congratulations!

Blessings,
Kathy

[mamacrina]

David--Bravo on a great letter! You have my admiration and respect in how you dealt with this situation.